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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have just broken up with DP and feel so lost and scared.

15 replies

PoesAndFire · 14/01/2011 20:55

DP and I have decided to call it a day.

Things have been awful for quite a while and i am coming out of it feeling very broken and scared.

I don't have anyone in RL to talk to about it, I phoned my mum to tell her but i just couldn't. I feel like i have let everybody down by breaking up our family.

I'm just so sad about it all, it isn't what i imagined for my life. This time last year i was 7 months pregnant and so excited. I was niave to think it would be any different, In 2 years DP has never given me a compliment or told me he loves me. I feel inferior.

We still have 6 months left on our flat lease and the letting agent won't let me take it on by myself so he has to stay living here.

I don't even have any questions, sorry. I just wanted to write it all down so it feels more real. I keep repeating to myself that everything will work out somehow.

OP posts:

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domeafavour · 14/01/2011 21:18

I'm so sorry, it sounds quite amicable though. Are you sure there is no way of fixing it, would you want to fix it?

perfumedlife · 14/01/2011 21:24

If he never told you he loves you, no compliments, although it hurts now, you will feel better again. That's no way to live, with a life partner. Lord knows, life is hard enough, without your partner leaving you feeling unloved.

Please tell your mother, I am sure she will support you and it will make you feel less alone.

Woodsfromthetrees · 14/01/2011 21:25

Oh God, you poor thing. You sound so defeated, my heart goes out to you. This is not your fault. You are not inferior. How could you possibly be inferior to a man who has made you feel so unloved? You're well shot of him, believe me. And also believe me when I say that you will get through this.

I am astounded that you have to share your flat with him for another six months; is there any way round that at all? Maybe he could stay living there and you could go somewhere else. Do you have anywhere else you could go?

You say you were pregnant last year - I'm assuming you have a small child to consider. By getting out of a crap relationship you have done the very best thing for your child and yourself. I know you are feeling as if life has stopped and that you'll never be happy again, but you will, and in time you'll be able to believe that. For now, just get through the days - an hour at a time if necessary, don't stop taking care of yourself, you'll find the strength deep down to carry on. I wish I could give you a big hug.

WannabeaShootingStar · 14/01/2011 21:26

Do you mean you have to stay living there with him for six months as that won't work for either of you. If the agent won't let one of you take it on by yourself can't they end the lease early or at least advertise it with a view to when someone is found?

JaquiChanWillSparkle · 14/01/2011 21:31

Well presumably the rent stays the same on the flat so does it matter who is paying it, you by yourself or with/without partner?

PoesAndFire · 14/01/2011 21:57

Thankyou all so much.

I thought that i would be able to take the lease on by myself but the letting agent said no, we had both entered into the contract so both need to stay until the end. The problem is if his name is not taken of the lease i can't get housing benefit which is the only way i could afford to stay here myself.

The only other place i could go is to my parents but that is 150 miles away and i would feel terrible to take dd so far away. DP would miss her so much.

I don't think i even want to fix it. He doesn't love me, he never will. I don't want my dd growing up thinking it is okay to be with a man who doesn't love you.

OP posts:

sungirltan · 14/01/2011 22:04

'I don't want my dd growing up thinking it is okay to be with a man who doesn't love you.'

you're stronger than you think and you're right, but this is for you as well as for dd. of ocurse it matters how she grows up but YOU are a person who deserves to feel ok too, in the present tense.

does the landlord accept HB? if so i think you need to get some advice on this matter and get a clear answer.

if it all goes wrong and you have to leave the flat you will be band b for housing if you present at the housing office as unintentionally homeless. i can advise more on this if you need me to.

i know it feels like hell now but there is life on the other side of a split. are you a sahm? what were your future plans? going back to work etc or dont know?

PoesAndFire · 14/01/2011 22:18

Thanks suntangirl.

I am a SAHM. My maternity leave has just finished so i have no money coming in at the moment. I was going to take a few more months with dd then get a part time job, i don't know how possible that will be now though.

My landlord does accept HB. I am going to phone the CAB to get some advice on the situation. I meant to do it today but i couldn't face it. I'm normally good at facing up to things and sorting them out but i feel like the last few days have taken all my energy and drive away.

I am very confused about where i want to be. I moved to this city for univercity then stayed because i met DP. It isn't home to me but now i feel stuck here.

OP posts:

Myleetlepony · 14/01/2011 22:37

Try speaking to Shelter, they may be more use in this case than the CAB. Have you made sure that the letting agent has actually asked the landlord if they would change the lease? I have to say, as a landlord, that I probably would allow the current lease to terminate early and set up a new one with you. Better than have you both falling out big time and going off into the sunset just telling me to poke my outstanding 6 months rent.

(No point taking someone with limited finances to court for 6 months outstanding rent is there?).

I hope you can get some good advice tomorrow, let your family know what's going on, maybe they can at least give you some moral support.

sungirltan · 14/01/2011 22:38

make a list of what you need to do and attack things one at a time. sounds like there will be a answer about the flat one way or another. obviously best case scenario you can stay on in the flat alone. you will be able to get hb and IS and tax credits and you can get by ok on your own. get all this sorted as soon as you can then you can have a breather for while.

preparing to go back to work would also be a good way to take your mind off things. update your cv and have a scout around for part time jobs. you dont have to get one just yet but i think you need an accurate picture of what your options are.

meanwhile are you getting out much in the day? do you go to baby groups etc? if you dont think about starting some, best way to get over a relationship is to build up your life again and meet new friends

happiestblonde · 14/01/2011 22:43

I was nearly in this situ before Christmas, thank f*ck dp and I sorted it out. There are no words to make it easier but you will be okay; do you have any lawyers in your family/friends who can look over the contract? For me, living together was awful as it all went down but actually brilliant because we had to sort things out and now (hopefully) are back on track but it is insanely hard to be around the person you love but can't be with. It will get better x

happiestblonde · 14/01/2011 22:44

Didn't see the 'he doesn't love me' bit. You're so much better off out.

PoesAndFire · 14/01/2011 22:47

I have a baby group i go to, and have made a few friends there. I don't know them that well yet but it is something at least.

They haven't asked the landlord pony. It didn't even occour to me to ask them to! I will chase them up about that. I thought it would be quite easy to do seeing as we have lived here two years and never been late with rent or caused them any bother.

I feel like getting the flat sorted out is the key. It would mean i have some time to figure out what i want to do and where i want to be.

OP posts:

Woodsfromthetrees · 14/01/2011 22:49

happiestblonde has said it all. Be strong x

happiestblonde · 14/01/2011 23:01

I'm also a landlord and 2 years ago let a tennant leave because of this - call him and tell him, if he's human he will let you leave earlier.

Seriously I felt like i was suffocating every single day, I couldn't cope and lost 9 lb in 10 days (at 5"4 and 8 stone before it wasn't really healthy) but I learnt that I am okay on my own and as much as I love my beautiful, wonderful DP i do not need him to live. You will be absolutely fine, this may sound like silly advice but go out with friends, drink a bit, go shopping and hit the gym. It's all it takes.

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