husband has spent £25K on "partying" over last 12 months- advice please -

[Arkala]

I will try and keep this short. I would really appreciate advice on how we can try to stay together after this massive betrayal of trust towards me and our dc. And advice on how dh can get help.

We live in the sticks, dh works in london, creative industry, long commute and sometimes long hours. We have two dc 3 and 1.

He admitted two nights ago that he has run up £25k of debt over the last year on basically taking coke and drinking after work. Never at the weekend with the family, and he says no affair etc.

Needless to say we are now up shit creek finacially, but to be honest at this point my main concern is whether there is any way forward for us to stay together as a couple / family.

Dh is currently remorseful, has a gp appt booked, and i have asked him to look into NA. We have sat down re finances, he is calling credit companies today to discuss repayment. He has given me passwords etc to all accounts.

I have lurked a long time on relationships and like others before me can't believe i am now the one asking for help. I think i knew something was amiss but genuinely didn't suspect this.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Please be kind ( but truthful)

[ednurse]

Sorry to hear this. Is he still using? If so how often, is it at home as well or just socially?

[IAmReallyFabNow]

I don't know what to say but want to wish you luck.

[Arkala]

Thank you. He says not since christmas. This would fit in with a very changed pattern of behaviour i.e. Being home on time, with no flakey storey about belinda from account's leaving drinks and so on.

He says he has not used at home except when he has come home from a big night he will finish up what he has left from that night before coming to bed

i know it sounds stupid that i haven't realised but due to commute even a short drink.in london means he doesn't get home til 10 so often i am in bed before he gets in

[maristella]

when i saw your thread title i immediately thought 'coke' :(

your dh could do with some support abstaining, maybe NA or a local drop in centre (they can be grim and scary, but then he has been dipping his toes into the unknown for quite a while)

abstaining from alcohol for a while will really help him to stay away from coke, as the 2 often go hand in hand, he will also be better placed to resist temptation if he is sober

i had a coke addicted partner, which is why i have an understanding of what you both are experiencing. the 2 enemies i had in my battle to have a drug free life and home, was his sense of denial and his ability to deceive me. it was hard work, and he is my ex because he was a nightmare, for a long while after quitting.

the fact that your DH has opened up to you is so importsnt, he needs to remain open to you, and stop keeping his social life so separate from his family life and so intwined with his career.

[tallwivglasses]

First reaction - Your dh is a selfish cunt.
Second reaction - you must be some kind of a saint and he's bloody lucky.

He's an addict and you can't support him alone. Can any family/friends help? This mustn't remain a secret.

My god, he must have a hell of a lot of redeeming features for you to want to stay together.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Yes, I did that when I worked in advertising. Peer pressure can be horribly expensive. I'm thrilled to hear he's getting on top of it so promptly - all the signs are good, I feel!

Good luck to both of you. Oh, if he hasn't already called them, suggest he contacts the consumer credit counselling service - the charity, not the scammers. They carry a lot of clout with finance companies and can arrange manageable (interest-free) repayment schemes for you.

:)

[spidookly]

The first thing I would be looking to do is sever our financial ties so he couldn't fuck us over any more than he already had. I would also seek to disclaim the debt he ran up without your knowledge.

So you need a lawyer. A good one.

only once I had protected myself and my children from any more financial abuse would I even bother to think about his recovery or our relationship.

Right now your children are sharing a home with a man who steals from them to buy drugs. Remorse won't cut it. Make him move out until you have protected your children and let him worry about treatment and 12 step programmes.

[1234ThumbScrew]

Having both worked in a creative industry and with a dh who still does I know how easily this is done. It often goes ott when people get to the mid stage of their careers when they're starting out they don't earn enough. It's almost part of the career path. Most senior people have been there, seen it done it etc or always resisted. The problem is it means that it's not exactly frowned upon unless it effects quality of work.

I've got friends who've completely lost it and the coke has ruined their lives, but most simply grow up and realise you can't function snorting lines for any length of time. Coke isn't necessarily addictive, so if he has frightened himself enough there's a good chance the behaviour will stop. I would suggest that he changes some of his patterns ie. Change jobs or stops hanging out with the same people.

How do you feel about it?

[LemonDifficult]

Spidookly's right. You need to sever financial ties. He's an addict and may fall back into that pattern of spending at any point.

Coke is always there in creative circles/comfortable circles/young circles/virtually all metropolitan circles. He'll be faced with the temptation again soon so as maristella says - stay away from the booze. And come home immediately after work if possible.

How horrendous for you. Tell people thoug, you'll need the support and so will he. Don't let shame keep you isolated.

[LemonDifficult]

A note on the 'addict' label I used. Sorry if this sounds too much, it may be that he's a 'light' user. It just didn't sound that way from the deception, financial jeopardy, using when home and not socialising etc.

[Arkala]

Thanks so much for the input. In some ways it is a relief to hear from those of you have been there or have partners in the same type of industry. It so definitely is normalised.

Re the finances, both our wages go into one account to cover mortgage and bills etc, so i know these are all in order. We used to split the excess as our individual spending money, he has taken out three credit cards which is where the debt is.

I really really hope he will continue to be open and we can get past it. Do you think the gp will be able to refer us to counselling? I know we will both need support but there is no way i feel ready to open up to real life friends or family as yet - everyone thinks he is great. Which he is, at the weekend.

Re splitting his work \ social life - he is job hunting and has been for a while. I have made it clear that if new job is in london he is to make it clear to colleagues that he is not available for drinks after work as he has a family to get home to. Hopefully this will help.

Maristella did your dp manage to stay clean?

[QueenStromba]

That works out at about £100 for every week day. Assuming £30 of that is drinks that's a couple of grams a night (I'm assuming that at that level of usage him and his buddies are buying in bulk so £35/40 would be about right for some good stuff). That is an awful lot of cocaine.

Did he tell you of his own free will or did you find out some other way? Is it possible for him to move to another industry? You need to have the strongest will in the world to give up drugs while you are surrounded by the same people.

[Blu]

No excuses for your DH, but do you think the fact that your living in the sticks might have separated his home life and work life to the extent that he doesn't realy see himself as a family man when he is at work?

I work in a sector where this sot of lifestyle is common, but most people stop it once they have a family.

If his commute is so long that you are in bed most nights, there's not much incentive fo him totry and get home earluer, is there?

NO excuse for the financial irresponsibility and waste, but i wonder about your lives as a whole.

[spidookly]

I work in "creative circles" and am no stranger to cocaine but I do not believe that defrauding your family of £25,000 is "easily done".

Losing the run if yourself, sure. But getting into debt amounting to close to the average year's salary is something you only do if you have a serious problem.

That problem might be something he can recover from and you can forgive, but until you know you must protect yourself and your children before he ruins you (if he hasn't already).

[Blu]

Bloody hell, now QS has done the maths - that's a LOT.
More than the person I know who really did fuck hiself up with coke...are you SURE it's just the coke that is the problem re debt?

[Arkala]

QS half and half, i saw a bank letter and asked him about it (ironically i am very debt adverse ha ha) he told me that he had run up some minor debts, we had a row, then later he came up and told me everything.

Blu i agree re the work / life thing. If he leaves work on time he is home by 830 so we normally have a few hours together in the evening, but i do go to bed earlyish as kids wake up early.

I have suggested we cut our losses, sell house, downsize and he gets a job closer to home. He is adamant that he doesn't want to lose our home and wants to get a new job in london to enable us to pay off the debts quicker.

[1234ThumbScrew]

I don't think your gp can refer you for couples counselling so it may be worth contacting relate or the Bacp for an accredited counsellor. Some will accept a lower fee if you're having financial problems.

Cocaine isn't physically addictive, but can be psychologically addictive which is why he needs to change the habit of going out. It's going to be hard not to be put in the position of nagging wife spoiling his fun so counselling is a good idea.

[ItsGraceAgain]

I managed to average £450 a week on 'work socialising' in the year that finished me off, QS. I don't do coke. A round of drinks came to more than £30! Then there's the taxi home, the let's get something to eat, etc, etc.

Your DH will find out whether he's addicted after he stops, Arkala - hope you've got plans to keep busy this weekend. It totally is possible to suddenly stop 'playing', people do it all the time. Plus, it's quite a relief to let your system get back in balance. You don't realise how much it takes out of you.

[Arkala]

Re the money, i have access to all cc statements now so am going to have a good look through. He has admitted that he has been totally spending outof control, pub lunches each day, he does drink a fair bit, and i know he is generous too.

Must go as he is backnow but will check later.

[1234ThumbScrew]

£100 per night in central London isn't that difficult to get through especially if he's enjoyed being the guy who buys the drinks etc.

[perfumedlife]

More than the problem of taking drugs is the disparity in lifestyles you both have now. He has lied to you for a long, long time and thats what I would never be able to forgive.

It smacks of immaturity and selfishness, and he has taken food from his own kids. I have no sympathy for him and it seems you are more preoccupied with maintaining his good name than facing the enormity of what he did.

[LemonDifficult]

Are you certain that he has told you everything?

I don't want to add paranoia to your life, just wondering if there is anything else lurking.

[perfumedlife]

I don't think he is in any position to be 'adamant' about things staying the same.

For starters, it surely would benefit you and the kids more if he worked closer to home and was home earlier in the evenings. That would help with the kids and for you to rebuild your trust, aswell as less commuting costs. If you need to downsize, it needs to be done, and he has kind of lost the right to be adamant about those issues, in my opinion.

Sorry, am not helping, have terrible hatred of coke. Will leave your thread.

[LemonDifficult]

Harsh, PerfumedLife. But also true, too...

Arkala - the disparity in lifestyle, is there anything you can do to integrate a little bit more. Could he work from home one day a week or something? Creative industries may tend to have drugs issue but they also often have slightly more flexible working patterns.