Is my marriage dead?

[DingbatsFur]

Hi Folks,
First post here in this board because I'm really kind of stuck.
DH and I have been married 10 years, and met when I was 19. Lived together a good couple of years before getting married. We now have two DS, 4 & 2.
I guess at the moment I'm not even sure I love DH. He doesn't really talk to me, he doesn't seem to listen to what I say and he doesn't care about what I do in the house or with my job. He spends more time on facebook than he does with me.
The xmas presents I gave him were opened and the set aside and are now in a bag ready to go up into his office. They have been untouched since boxing day.
We haven't had sex in several months and then it was once a year after the birth of DS2. We have been busy and been through a lot over the past year. DH's job has been up and down since last spring and we have been renovating a house (now complete). DH has also sadly suddenly lost his dad at the start of december so is obviously all over the place.
I'm trying to support him the best I can and be there for him, but am also working full time and almost singlehandedly running the house and looking after the kids. DH doesn't really help.
To be honest I'm really finding it hard to care and frankly think my life would be easier without DH.
I then feel guilty for even thinking these things. Here's an example. I have been thinking of doing condensed hours which would give me more time with the kids and alos protect us financially if his company lays them off again. I discussed this with him and I thought we had come to an agreement that he would help with the kids on his day off (today) and get DS1 ready for school and DS2 dressed so I could go to work.
He was late out of bed and seemed to have completely forgotten the conversation. When it came to 8:30 and he was still doing nothing and DS1 was still lacking uniform I reminded him and DH then got quite stroppy with me and began fighting with DS1 and dressing him quite agressively. Big argument on the step with DH claiming he didn't want DS1 to 'win' and that DS1 was smirking at him.
All of course in front of my MIL who is staying the weekend.
gah.
Any suggestions?

[snowpoint]

Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with, but I'd say if you want your marriage to work, it needs some urgent tlc and should be your priority for 2011. You have to start communicating better, spending time together and restoring some kind of intimacy.

I'd give your DH a bit of breathing room as he's probably still grieving, and probably worried about his mother too. I think I'd try having a very honest conversation initially, and if you can't get anywhere, consider going for some counselling. It might just be a case of riding it out for the moment, but I hope you can get it sorted.

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

Maybe not dead but definitely on the Critical list. Although the obvious advice is 'you need to talk', clearly you aren't able to do that on your own (or you wouldn't be where you are). I suggest Relate but on your own, but tell him you are going.

and remember - 'you need to talk' means 'you need to listen to him', not just 'you need to tell him what's what or else'.

[kepler10b]

it's only dead if you are not prepared to put in the effort to make it work. longterm relationships do require investments in time, thought and effort - just think how much effort you both made at the start compared to now. you need to talk to each other, switch off the computer and the tv and communicate.

the row in front of mil doesn't sound that major.

why don't you set yourself a target in time (say three months), put as much effort as you can in then with a view that you will reassess the situation again.

thinking about ending and getting out of a relationship whilst not putting in any attempt to change things is a surefire way to sound the deathknell on any relationship so if you do want it to work you need to act and commit to that.