If you are estranged from abusive parents your advice would be appreciated

[TessToo]

Right, just a warning that this might trigger bad memories for some people and I am sorry it is so long. I could really do with some advice as I have been going around in a vicious circle for the last couple of years and I don't really have anyone to buddy me through this process. I was abused by my mother and her (long dead) partner. My much older siblings left home when I was small and though the signs were there, they did nothing to stop what was happening to me and we were always naturally quite distant.

For about 20 years I kept on thinking that one day I would do something about this. Since childhood I had a panicky feeling that I should say something to someone and then, when I left home, that one day I would say something to the family and there would be a Hollywood ending with everyone being repentant and loving. Then after one spectacularly unpleasant attack by my mother two years ago, I just cut contact completely and finally let go of the idea that somehow things would be resolved. I have never said why or held them to account, I just made it difficult for them to contact me and said I needed some space for a while. Of course, my mother didn't respect my boundaries and immediately started to bombard me with letters and even contacted my co-workers to summon them force me to be in contact . But I have not been in touch. I can?t quite believe that I finally took some kind of action.

Since then I had a brief feeling of relief, followed by what I have now: insomnia, agoraphobia, finding it hard to function (guilt, sadness, fear that one of the family would die, missing toddler cousins etc) and a broken relationship (as my exDP couldn't cope with my past: what a charmer). I have become increasingly isolated from friends. Family members have bombarded me with letters and emails at work (they don't have my new home address) but I haven't opened them.

Now, part of me keeps on thinking that I need to write a letter explaining exactly why I have felt the need to leave my mother's orbit, with all the gory details, basically holding them to account. In particular as my mother will probably be putting on the disbelieving victim-mother act ? probably telling people that she has no idea why I am not in contact, and if past experience is anything to go by, that I am ungrateful and/or unhinged and generally continuing her weird truth-bending activities. But on the other hand explaining my actions like a good little girl could just be a sign of my disempowerment: they were there, they did it/witnessed it but seemed to think that was perfectly acceptable, why should I have to enumerate it. I am tired of being scapegoated and a detailed letter might give them an opening to challenge the facts and undermine me. My truth is non-negotiable. Likewise it is hard to put 14 years of daily abuse and the effects of it into a few words: any letter will never be comprehensive enough. It feels as if it is all stuck in my throat.

After years of fantasising about a happy ending (and while I do miss some younger members of the family all the time) I think the best I can hope for is my freedom, to take my power back and also stop their letters. At the moment I don?t feel like I am really living as I am just obsessing about what to do next and am never "at peace". I want to get on with my life, though I wonder if that will ever be possible.

So, those of you who have cut contact, what are my best options? Would you write a long letter enumerating everything which was done to you, which they thought they had silenced you about, or would it be better for me to just say that for reasons they know very well, but probably thought they got away with, I will no longer have contact with them and that they should stop contacting me.

Would be really grateful for advice as I am at my wit's end (and this has been another sleepless night).

[QueenofWhatever]

Just to let you know my situation is very similar. I'll come back later, as will some of the others with similar histories.

You'll find many of us on the Stately Homes threads. It's not you, it's them. I've been awake since 4.30, so you're not alone in your sleepless nights!

[pollyblue]

Have you had any counselling? About 8 years ago I had a bit of a breakdown which i think resulted from the unresolved issues to do with my earlier years spent with an abusive step father and compliant mother. I had insomnia, agoraphobia and panic attacks. Fortuntely I had a very sympathetic doctor who recomended CBT, primarily to help with the agoraphobia and panic attacks, but going right back to my childhood with the therapist and talking about things in detail that I'd never discussed with anyone else was a great relief and really help clear my mind and make me feel stronger. I was then able to decide what to do regards my family.

I'm sure others will be along who are able to give good advice and support, good luck (an un un-mumsnetty ((hug)) )

[RudeEnglishLady]

I finally cut contact forever about 3 years ago.

I can't talk about the emotional side of it because it'll make me sad and mess my day up. Although I can say I gain a lot of strength from non contact and don't feel at all guilty.

On a practical level!

Can you move overseas? This made a huge difference to me.

Speak to HR - you need to get your work email changed and it not to be given out to anyone. Find out if they can offer you furher help with being harrassed at work and also if they have an employee councelling service.

Get a friend to open any hand addressed envelopes i.e. letters from family - check who they are from and bin them. I know I sht myself if i get a hand addressed letter and i don't recognise the writing!

Block everyone horrible from your Facebook. Put it on maximum privacy.

Don't bother telling them what the problem is. No doubt they'll trivialise it or say you remember wrong. It only matters what you think and you don't need to justify yourself.

See your GP. You sound very strong but the not sleeping isn't good. Maybe some therapy would help.

Sorry you are going through this. Its so unfair - why won't they just get the message and f off! Sorry, projecting a little. A big hug x

[RudeEnglishLady]

spelling! sorry - baby on knee

[welshbyrd]

" In particular as my mother will probably be putting on the disbelieving victim-mother act ? probably telling people that she has no idea why I am not in contact, and if past experience is anything to go by, that I am ungrateful and/or unhinged and generally continuing her weird truth-bending activities."

Your mother would never show these people a letter containing the horrific abuse you suffered and her hands. These people would never think any different to what your mum tells them, unless you approached them yourself, which Im not suggesting

Ive never been abused. After reading your post, I did not want to not type anything.

I had a Cot death, almost 10 years ago, refused counselling [was not thinking straight at time]

I do know 2 years after, I was experiencing insomnia, agoraphobia , and finding it hard to function. Ended up phoning an ambulance 3 times, thought I was dying, turned out it was panic attacks.

Started counselling, a few weeks later, noticed a massive improvement within a month, still had insomnia, but my panic attacks stopped, and I was able to do more than I had done in previous months.

Try counselling, do not make any decisions about letters, approaching mother etc, until you have had a few sessions.

I seen a future in my counselling sessions, and started making decision about my life, for the better

I really wish you well for your future, and hope your insomnia and agoraphobia,soon become a thing of the past.

[WillYouDoTheDangFanjo]

Hello! I hope you'll understand that I try and keep my own personal stuff offline as much as possible, but I wanted to offer some support and suggestions for you.

The letter. If you are dealing with people who are fantasists and have no respect for truth, a letter won't move anything forward. However, if you have been on the receiving end of "gaslighting" (that is, having horrible experiences inflicted on you and then being told that you are imagining them or being oversensitive about it) it can be very, very hard to believe your own truths. I would recommend writing a letter "never to be sent." it will help you to reaffirm the truth of what happened to you, but then respecting that truth by not allowing anyone else to see it, twist it and argue with it. You need to build up your trust in yourself to the point where it is unshakeable, and let's face it, your family don't want that for you, so why involve them?

Next, let's think about what you want from your parents. You have two very natural desires; to be loved and nurtured, and to have the abuse acknowledged and apologised for. This is perfectly natural, and even though you know neither will happen, your heart can still long for them painfully. Letting them go can feel like you are somehow letting them get away with it. You want that big showdown where the truth comes out and their cruelty is exposed, then better still, they take you in their arms and promise to heal you.

Writing the letter, perhaps with the help of a therapist, will help you to feel heard and vindicated all by yourself without your family's involvement. As for nurturing, this is something you can do for yourself in lots of ways - will say more if you think it would be helpful.

Are you a parent yourself? For me, a lot of these feelings didn't really crystallise until I became a mother myself and realised that I had no idea how to nurture someone. I could provide good practical care, say all the right things and look great in a family photo, but how to connect with a little child? How to meet its deep need for love, attention and encouragement? It was completely alien to me. I did go through a period of depression while I acknowledged this, it is a very tall order to sort out your own family background whilst figuring out how to create a new family of your own. However I came through it, and although I still have down times (Christmas in particular is a real struggle still) I have a much stronger foundation, which benefits my kids, my partner, and me.

So - write a letter, write 20, but keep them to yourself - your truth is too precious to let your family trample all over it. Find ways to look after yourself and love yourself - you have years of nurturing to fill up. Consider a therapist. Being able to trust one person with your truth and not have it judged or undermined is a wonderful thing.

Hope you sleep better tonight. Try and have a peaceful day - you have a lot going on and it's important to give yourself breaks.

[TheArmadillo]

I'm another one whose had a breakdown as a result of my family and my childhood.

I haven't spoken to my family in over a year now. They occasionally send letters or deliver christmas/birthday presents (leave them in my porch secretly) but apart from that they have been reasonably good at respecting the boundaries. I suppose I am lucky in that respect.

I would be very careful with what you think a letter will achieve. It is unlikely to change anything with your mother. She will still go around claiming to be a victim and it may even give her more ammo to use against you.

I wrote a letter to my parents explaining some (not all) of why I wasn't speaking to them. But I did it for me. I didn't expect them to accept it or agree with it. It was something I had to do to at least give them some answers whether they accepted them or not so I could rest easy in my mind knowing I had done it.

I would say be careful about your reasons why you are writing a letter. It probably won't change anything.

Also look into visiting your gp and seeing about counselling. I'm waiting for CBT at the moment having had a couple of sessions. I'm also still heavily medicated. However in a way it forces you to deal with everything so I try to see the whole breakdown as a positive really. Though hard in the short term.

[HaveAHappyNewJung]

It's a very tricky situation, at not one I envy at all.

My mum's brother abused me sexually as a child, and we stopped seeing him after I told my parents when I was 13. It was too late to prosecute so it was all very quiet. Our family is small and the other few elderly relatives were never told. My paternal grandmother did ask about him but we just made something up, I couldn't bear to tell her and upset her. She's stopped asking now so maybe she guessed anyway. I had a breakdown in mid teens so she may well have put two and two together.

Will post separately about DH's situation in a moment.

[gawkygirl]

I can't help much because, although I cut out my parents, so did all my siblings so I didn't have to face it alone.

The family members are trying to contact you at your mother's behest. Write to them and say that you appreciate that they are trying to help but:
the relationship between you and your mother is between you and your mother, and others should respect that
they have tried helping your mother and now it is time to help you - by backing off and not interfering (although put it more diplomatically than that!)

If you ignore them then they will only continue. If you reply to tell them butt out then they may stop. Don't ask them to choose sides, all you need is for people to respect your decision.

Remind them that there is no law that says that family members have to talk to each other.

[TryLikingClarity]

Don't want to say anything personal here, but I do want to offer my sympathy and empathy to the OP and others who have been hurt.

I was targeted for abuse by a certain family member all through my life. Only now that I am an adult with my own child am I gaining the maturity and strength to see it for what it was, and to be able to cut cords.

The person who emotionally blackmailed and twisted my emotions has perpetrated abuse on other young family members. Mental, neglect and material deprivation was the worst of this persons deeds. But I can't detail that cuz it isn't my story to tell.

OP - as you say in your post, your mum would deny it and act a victim. The person I mention here in my post is just like that :(

All the practical advice the others have said is sound. I'm just posting to vent a bit and to let you know you aren't alone.

[TheArmadillo]

Sorry I missed the bit about writing to other family members.

What you have to consider though is actually they do know and have chosen to minimise or ignore it. Writing a letter outlining all your hurt is not going to change that. As horrible as that seems.

Writing baxk to them at all just shows that you are open for contact and can lead to more. It shows you are reading their letters/emails (whether you cactually are or not). Silence is the best way forard imo. The idea if writing a letter and n ot sending it is a good one.

[HaveAHappyNewJung]

So, my DH's situation. His mother was abusive from the start, for a rough idea think of the book "a child called it". His sisters were mostly treated well.

It continued until she left them when DH was 15 and then DH broke down and told his dad everything (he'd been away with RAF). Nothing was ever proven though, there were various incidents such as his mother burning down the doctors surgery to destroy his medical records. So basically other family members don't know.

DH had occasionally tolerated seeing her because his first wife insisted on letting her see their children (my DSCs), but since DH met me he figured enough was enough. He's not particularly bothered about not seeing other family members although is starting to build bridges with his sisters. His main priority is NOT seeing his mother and not letting her anywhere near our two young children.

However his mother still tries. She's sent the occasional letter and gift and recently tried contacting DH on facebook through my DSD. DH wasnt getting into FBing anyway and just deleted his account. I would actually appreciate any advice on restraining orders just in case - is it at all feasible to get one if there is no proof of what she did to him?

Anyway. DH gets on fine because he's now in a happy family. The only thing that upsets him is the fact his older DCs still see his mother. They don't like her, but the problem is his exW. Despite the fact that he's told her everything, she refuses to acknowledge that it's true. She has lied to their kids about it and told them DH is making a big deal out of nothing. exW was quite abusive in their relationship - a whole other story but basically I think this is her way of keeping a little control over him.

When DH mentioned to my DSD (12) that he'd deleted facebook, she said "why don't you just forgive her? It's not like she did anything wrong" - I know this is because of exW lying. I am so angry. DH looked like he could cry. I just said "some things shouldn't be forgiven" and changed the subject. What I wanted to shout say was "if your mother beat you up and locked you in the dark and told you that you're worthless EVERY DAY for fifteen years, would you forgive her?" but I couldn't bring myself to. It's not DSDs fault exW is lying to her. I don't know what to do :(

Sorry that was quite a rant wasn't it

[thisishowifeel]

I finally cut all contact 14 months ago.

I have been immensely fortunate to have had inner child therapy on the NHS, this has transformed me, and therefore my life.

My family are convinced that I am some kind of insane, evil monster, and there is no point trying to explain to any of them, that it is in fact them that are seriously dysfunctional. They won't/can't/ don't want to hear that.

It hurts that I have no loving family, and it was very bad before christmas, but I am so much better without those people in my life, and more importantly in my children's lives.


Ask your GP if there is something like this available for you maybe?.

[quiddity]

TessToo, well done for taking a very big and important step towards healing.
You may have to give up the hope that your family will ever admit to what they did to you, far less apologise.
Some of what you're going through now may be due to the web of guilt that dysfunctional families spin to hold on to the members they use as scapegoats.
But they caused your problems; they are not going to fix them. And cutting them out of your life is a huge step forward but that alone can't undo the damage.
Have you visited the Stately Homes thread for survivors of dysfunctional families? There are lots of us there.
Abuse and neglect can leave you with complex PTSD. Read this to see if you recognise any of your symptoms, and anything else by Pete Walker.
It can take years to undo this kind of hurt and it will be much easier for you if you get professional support and help.
Good luck on your journey towards healing.

[TessToo]

Thank you everyone, I am really stunned at the response (there was a worry at the back of my mind that someone will say I am just being unreasonable and nasty by cutting contact). After posting I felt really terrible so it has been an odd day. I have been really inspired by the Stately Homes thread: so many brave people on there and the first time I have read of experiences similar to mine. It's taken me about 8 months to pluck up the courage to post at all and sometimes reading Stately Homes has been a little overwhelming for me. I am going to make a cup of tea and respond to the posts in turn.

Just an aside: I have been to my GP and they've offered me sleeping pills to be taken in an emergency (if I have had two nights without any sleep). She has also offered me anti-anxiety medication as my anxiety is so high. My GP knows the gory details but other than giving me a couple of national helpline numbers she has basically said that I am in a dreadful situation but there is little hope of getting therapy on the NHS in my area. It might be that I present too well (she doesn't see me sitting in the same chair for 15 hours weeping/staring into space, she sees me trying to keep it together). Anyway I am going to have to go back and say "come on it has been 2 years now, things are not better, I need help." I lived in another part of the country when I started to actually talk about the abuse for the first time and I was able to get a short course of CBT which helped and I think set me on the course to finally break contact.

The worst thing is that it feels as if the abusers have in some ways won (if I leave things as they are): I never feel safe, hardly leave the house, find it hard to function in work, am becoming more and more isolated from friends and of course was dumped by a partner who couldn't cope with my past (which reinforced the feeling that I am worthless/dirty). The family are all having nice bithdays and christmasses, while I am the one spending them alone who thinks it is an achievement if I can just get through the days at all.

Anyway, back in a moment with tea.

[Megancleo]

Not sure if this will help...I cut off contact 30 years ago, even changed my name and yes, moved abroad. The downside was I lost contact with sisters but importantly, I had time to heal, grow and therapy helped alot. A year ago, as I was finally ready to move on from a lousy marriage (yes, another man who abused, emotionally) I had a desire(mixed with fear) to face-up to parents after so long....I stood there facing a little old man ridden with guilt and wow, I felt strong and yes, unbleievable but I could sort-of forgive. Like I said, 30 years of non-contact did me very good and allowed me to start grownin.Nearly forgot, I also wrote leters but like suggested by WYDTDF, don't send, use for YOUR healing...think only of yourself now and how you can help yourself to heal, do everything to stop contact and give yourself time..its your life, finally and big hugs

[QueenStromba]

I have a very psychologically abusive and controlling father who I cut out of my life 5 years ago. I'm fortunate that my parents are divorced and my mum's side of the family didn't give me too much grief over it. I had a little bit of "but he's your father you have to talk to him" but once I pointed out that if I had a boyfriend who was that bad for me they would all be telling me to leave him. My sister gets on well with him but has given up trying to get me to talk to him.

Time has helped a lot. He sometimes sends me emails which I ignore but this year he sent me an email wishing me a happy christmas. Because I've had time to heal I felt able to write him a long email back explaining exactly why I don't want anything to do with him. The email I got back was a load of delusional crap which would have hurt a lot if I was still angry and still cared enough to hate me - he actually called me a whore at one point. I replied saying something like "and you wonder why I don't want anything to do with a man who can happily call his own daughter a whore?". He replied but I deleted it and emptied my trash can without reading it. I've reached the point where I actually found it funny but a couple of years ago I wouldn't have been able to handle it and since it sounds like you aren't coping well then I recommend that you just ignore any attempts to contact you - maybe in a few years you'll be strong enough to talk to other family members about it.

Definitely try and get some more therapy - nag your GP until they refer you. I've recently managed to get a referral for similar anxiety problems and insomnia. I don't have agoraphobia, I have a fear of being trapped instead which makes public transport difficult for me. It started out as getting really anxious in big shops and really big crowds and then became a problem with the tube (too much time spent sitting in tunnels on the circle line not knowing how long it would be). I managed to convince myself that I just didn't like the tube because I was a cheapskate and that when I got anxious on the bus it was just because I thought I was going to be late because I was stuck in traffic. I now have a free oyster card because my housemate works for TFL so I don't have the cheapskate excuse anymore and had to admit to myself that I didn't like the tube because I was afraid of having a panic attack. Then I broke my toe and so couldn't really get out of the house and went completely mad. Now I'm finding buses a problem if the traffic is bad enough that it takes more than a couple of minutes to get between stops. At this rate my fear of being trapped is going to rather ironically lead to agoraphobia. I've had a telephone screening now and I'll find out during the week what they can do for me - I'm thinking it will be CBT, I just hope I don't have to wait too long.

[WillYouDoTheDangFanjo]

TessToo, it is kind of you to want to respond to messages in turn, and although others may well agree I can only speak for myself...

Please don't feel obligated to reply to us all in turn, unless it's helpful for you. You've had a lot going on in the last 24 hours by the sounds of it. Be easy on yourself, you have all the time you need. :)

[TessToo]

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo that's so sweet, it's taking me many tissues and cups of tea but I am almost there: I want to respond individually as I know what a massive deal it is to write about this kind of thing at all - and it has given me the chance to examine what to do from different viewpoints. More soon ...

[WillYouDoTheDangFanjo]

Do whatever feels best for you in your own time. :)

I fancy a cuppa myself...

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Hi,

Another product of an abusive effed up family here. I agree with the other posters. Fight for counselling, CBT, or if you can stretch to funding some of it, I would recommend.

I also wrote the letter, to my mother, while in uni, 20 years ago. 10 pages long on both sides of a4. I did not post it, but god it felt good to write it, I cried my heart out but it felt good. I got closure from my dad when he died. That may make me sound like a hard faced bitch, but he showed this warm facade of a loving hard working dad to the outside world, while we lived in total fear and gloom of his fucking mood swings and violent temper. When we weren't at his graveside it spoke volumes. When people asked how I could be so callous I told them the truth and walked off without a reply.

From your siblings perspective, they may be carrying guilt, or to them it may still be a completely normal upbringing. I only noticed my family were fucked up when I left for college and started visiting friends houses - children disagreeing with their parents at dinner, and not getting the living shit kicked out of them - a revelation! I had to completely relearn family/ social skills.

I was lucky I had my grandmother, who fell out with my mother when she wouldn't leave my violent father. I have to add - she wasn't afraid of him, in fact she used to positively encourage him, but in turn loved playing the victim to other family members. The mental torture from her was worse that the physical from him. Is there anyone in the family, extended who may have some understanding?

I would return the mail to sender if there is an address on the back, or set up a block on your email if you can.

Your family don't deserve to have you. And if people don't believe your side, they are not worth knowing either. If they start interfering with work speak to a nice HR contact and get them to change your exn or vet the calls through reception.

If it still persists, I would call into the local police station - it is harassment, and they could call round your parents and politely tell them to leave you the fleck alone.

You have the right to a peaceful life now, in your soul and in your day to day, protect and look after yourself please. And take joy in your own family if you have one, whilst feeling proud that you aren't the monsters you own parent/s were.

I remember one night when i was 9, and had insomnia, woke my parents up because I was so exhausted, they told me to get back to bed. I remember my mother wailing that she couldn't take it anymore ( had been going on for a week max) and for my father to sort it out. As he was breaking a stereo over my head in bed, I just kept shouting " I didn't ask to be born to you, I didn't ask to be born"

I still stand by it.

I hope you all find the peace you deserve xxxx

[TessToo]

Right, apologies if none of this makes sense, it's been one of those days.

QueenofWhatever Sorry to hear you?re also insomniac, it does help to know that I am not the only one dealing with these things.

pollyblue I had a very short amount of CBT years ago when I first ?found the words? to talk about some of what I have been through. It was the first time I started to express the details: one thing which I have had a problem with is that I could never quite work out if it was abuse as some of it was horribly inventive (though it ticks many boxes on abuse assessment lists ? but for some reason I kept on thinking ?but is it really abuse??) I think it would really help to have someone to talk to more about it as I need to come to terms with the situation now and all the facts of what went on in the past. Thanks for the ((hug)) I really could do with lots of them!

RudeEnglishLady Thank you for this ? I know how even talking about these issues can mess up your day/week but it really helps to have heard from you.
I do live a long way away from them all, though moving abroad might be the only solution. Interestingly I have generally chosen to be on the other side of the country from them at all times since my early 20s.
At the moment them communicating with me at work is rather a problem: it got to the stage where I am just worried to open my emails at all and worried to open any post. I got a colleague to check my emails for a while (though they don?t know why) and if there was an email from them I deleted it unread, now I am trying to put in filters so that some people?s messages will be deleted automatically, though it won?t be foolproof, but I still have a mountain of unopened post which is a worry. It?s a kind of siege mentality but it means that there could be repercussions in my work and also I am blocking any possibly nice things.
I have left facebook (which is a pity as some of my friends are scattered around the world and are only on facebook) but I just couldn?t cope with the possibility of more nasty surprises.
I agree that I don?t need to justify myself: their ability to rewrite history really messes with my mind and it is as if we are inhabiting two different realities.

welshbyrd Thank you for sending me this message, I know how hard it must be for you to talk about that time in your life: I am sorry to hear of what you went through! I agree that my mother won?t discuss a letter with others. Interestingly I get a massively raised pulse rate at night and if I do get to sleep I wake up with a racing heart ? a bit like a panic attack but asleep. The agoraphobia and insomnia are making me feel pretty wretched so I do need to do something for that. I am going to get back on to my GP, perhaps show her the thread!).

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo Really appreciate this: I have also had trouble knowing how much detail to give online. My family are experts at gaslighting and it has made it really hard to keep strong and keep the facts straight in my head, especially now my mother is playing the loving grandmother. I do need to build up my trust in myself, the family don?t want that so the letter would give them the chance to violate my own truth.

I agree that I am living in a dreamworld if I think that at some point we get the big happy ending where everyone stops being weird and we all get healed. But it does feel as if I am letting them all get away with it. I think you?re right, I need to be loved and nurtured, and to have the abuse acknowledged. It may have to come from sources outside the family though! Would be great to hear more about ways to support myself.

What you say about your experiences of starting a family is really interesting. I was planning to start a family (then my long term partner left): when we were planning to start a family I realised that I would never allow my children anywhere near my family, so I had to take action. Also I realised that I really need to sort myself out before I think of having children (which I long to do if I can find someone with enough patience to take me on!). Also when I had little cousins I loved them so much that I couldn?t understand how my older relatives hadn?t intervened in my situation which I realised must have been bloody obvious to them.

TheArmadillo
Well done for getting this far TA, luckily the family don?t know my new address but that doesn?t stop them going through my work address (and my email address is listed on the company website, not sure whether that can be taken down). I have avoided medication (my mother was addicted to various substances during my childhood so I have an irrational fear of medication, though I may have to change my position on this and I know that the new style medications are nothing like the old). I agree that as the other family members had never given a damn and had actively tried to cover it up, writing a letter is unlikely to have much of an effect. I am beginning to think that silence is a good idea, but at the same time I don?t know how to make them stop hassling me and also after so much ?gaslighting? (a new word for me) I have this urge to get my truth across.

HaveAHappyNewJung
Thank you for sharing this with me: well done for speaking up. I have a similar feeling ? do I want to hurt others with the truth? Eg how would young members of the family take this information or the elderly and infirm.

So sorry to hear what your DH went through: it is interesting that our protective instinct towards children can finally make us stand up for ourselves. It is also interesting that abuse perpetrated by women is considered to be so rare: my mother took a rather gleeful active role but because it was my mother I kept thinking that I must be mad to think it was abuse. I think that you should look into restraining orders (and I might have to do the same thing), though I am afraid I don?t know anything about them. Horrible that your DH?s exW is still managing to perpetuate his abuse really! What a despicable woman.

gawkygirl
Yes, the family members have been drafted in to do my mother?s bidding (that is one of her tactics, so at least I know my enemy) and get me to toe the line. Very good idea to tell them to back off though, perhaps I should also mention that if they keep on pushing they won?t like the facts I have to share. Ignoring them seems to just make them try to contact me more. It does highlight how little my boundaries were ever respected (and how little respect I had for my own boundaries). Very good point that there is no law that families have to speak to each other!

TryLikingClarity
Sorry to hear that you have been through some similar experiences ? well done for cutting cords with them though: I aspire to be that strong! I really really appreciate hearing your story.

thisishowifeel
Well done for cutting contact. Inner child therapy sounds very interesting: I will have to look into this with my GP (I need to summon up the courage to make a long appointment this week). I agree that the dysfunction that brought us to this point won?t necessarily ever be resolved in this lifetime and certainly not unless they participate in that. As it has been simpler for them to consider me expendable I don?t see how things will change. I have found the festive season incredibly hard to handle, but at least it motivated me to post.

quiddity
thank you for this ? in some ways I thought it was an important step towards healing but I am feeling rather a failure considering that I feel significantly worse now than when I was just keeping quiet. I agree that there is a massive web of guilt (especially as my mother frequently scared me with talk of her possibly dying) there was massive emotional blackmail. I have looked at the Stately Homes thread and it has been a revelation though at the moment some of the stories are a little to close to home and it doesn?t take much to trigger me (I have also stopped driving as I can tend to go off line and into flashback mode which I don?t think other road users would appreciate). I do think that I have some of the symptoms of PTSD. I will look at the Pete Walker site too. I do need professional support, this much is certain.

Megancleo this does help: wow, 30 years of no contact, and well done for facing up to them. I think I do need to get my own life on track first and the little energy I have left should be used for my own healing! I do want the rest of my life to start now (finally). And as I am a newbie and hope to be able to get away with it: ((hugs)).

QueenStromba very well done for dealing with your father: I hope I can get to the point where I just find them ridiculous. So silly when family members try to make us reconcile with people we have spent a lifetime trying to get away from. I am going to have to keep on at my GP. I hope you don?t have to wait for CBT too long. My agoraphobia came on little by little so it?s good that you are getting some help early on. Have you thought about getting a restraining order against him? I don?t know about them but I think I might have to find out.

So, in terms of next steps, I am going to go back to my GP (cringe), to pester her for therapy and possibly medication (I have sleeping pills but declined anxiety medication ? I might have to rethink this), write a letter which is not necessarily for sending, find a way to tell them to stop contacting me, try to emphasise in my mind how ridiculous they are and get my own unshakeable truth firmly implanted in my own mind.

Still not really sure what to do about the letter though: will I never get to put my own truth across to them I wonder (and hold my mother to her most outrageous behaviour), though being silent and cutting contact is probably most empowering as it doesn?t bring in the option of being undermined. I suppose I could return all their letters back to them unopened and write to them stipulating exactly why I had to stop contact (and this will be a revelation for some probably oblivious family members who won?t understand the evil they have been drafted in to help out with) or could just write that contact is now stopped for reasons they can probably guess at: don?t contact me. I have to focus my energy more on my own wellbeing and trying to get me living my life and feeling better. Not quite sure how to do that yet. I certainly need to validate my own life story and find ways to feel more empowered. Do you think (in all honesty) it is going to be possible for me to ever have something approximating a positive life? I feel a bit of a failure as I had hoped that stopping contact would have made me feel more empowered, not made me spiral downwards.

Another interesting insight I had while reading all the posts is that knowing their vindictive nature, the fact that I have cut contact for two years will have made them so angry and so many weird versions of events will have been told, that there will be no hope for reconciliation anyway. So in that sense, the decision has already been made.

Anyway, thank you so much for your support and advice, this is really helping and is a really nice surprise. Slightly exhausted now ...

[WillYouDoTheDangFanjo]

TessTube, you have worked really hard at that. My goodness, you are a smart and caring woman.

I will be happy to tell you more about what I know of self-nurture in a little while as you have already had a lot of great advice today. I will say goodnight with the first hug I have ever dished out on MN!

Quiddity, thanks for that link, I got a lot out of it, too.

[TryLikingClarity]

Tess thanks for being so sweet and taking the time to reply to each person, that was a lovely thing to do, and brave :)

It is very hard, but I take a lot of comfort from knowing that other people aren't from perfect-singing-round-the-piano families either. Hopefully you take comfort from reading about our experiences too.

You said earlier in a post that it'd taken you a long time to post and you still hadn't really ventured into the Stately Homes threads. I also have been too bogged down in my own thoughts to read the Stately Homes thread.

Sending you more big hugs! (In real life I'm not a huggy person, prob to do with my upbringing, but I do love hugs!)

T

[quiddity]

Tess, thanks for taking the time to answer everyone. And well done for having the strength to read through everyone else's stories: sometimes it can be a comfort to realise you're not alone, you're not a freak, but sometimes they can trigger you.
But as dangfanjo says, you've got a lot of this sorted already, even if it may not feel that way to you right now.
Just wanted to offer everyone a link to another Pete Walker article which is along the same lines as the other but easier to read. The layout is easier on the eye and he goes into more depth about how emotional neglect can be just as damaging as more obvious abuse and can be a core reason for complex PTSD. And he offers hope for recovery too!