Advice Please

[Whyislfesohard]

Hello, my DP and I have split up (so name changed) but he is still living here with no intentions of moving on it seems. We have two DCS which he loves very much and refuses to leave but he treats me like utter crap often swearing and calling me names in front of the DCS and shouting and banging doors.He has also been very controlling and jealous and it took a long time for me to see this. Since I initiated the split before Christmas he has pretty much been ignoring the whole thing and I am pretty scared about bringing it up as it always leads to confrontation and more verbal assault.
I am feeling very anxious the more he ignores it. He is being "nice" and making me tea all the time even asking today did I want anything (ie.tea,snack)
My problem is that it is his birthday tomorrow new years eve and I feel obliged to celebrate it on account of the DCS. It is also new years eve so we have been invited to two parties neither of which I can go to because I feel (guilty) I can't leave him alone on his birthday/NYE with the DCs to go party myself and also if I do decide we should all go I worry that it will 1.be really awkward especially at midnight and 2.what if he kicks off on one.
What if he kicks off on one here at home because he tries it on at nye and i reject him again. I just wish it was all over and done with my head is such a mess.

[HappyHECmanay]

Thing is, as long as you are both under the same roof, things are going to be difficult.

Is the house in joint names?

If he's trying it on, he hasn't accepted it's over. Also, and I hate to say it, are you sure you are safe with him there? physically?sexually? you need professional advice on what to do if he refuses to leave the family home.

Is you leaving with the kids an option? I wonder if you can go to court to get an order allowing you and the children to live in the home until they are 18?

You need a solicitor.

[cabbageroses]

Unless you put some real practical changes in place, then you cannot really be separated.

He needs to sleep in another room and do his own cooking, washing etc. Then you canlegally count this as living apart.

I would have thought his birthday was the least of your worries .

I am sure his behaviour is horrible to live with, but the fact is you have simply told him it is over- and nothing has changed. Now you need to sit down and talk about how this is going to work re. the house, finances and children.

How old are your children? If they are young then why worry what they think- and if they are older- teenagers- they neeed to be told anyway.

You need to start talking to each other- through family mediation if necessary.

why not pop along to the CAB after the hols for free legal advice?

[cabbageroses]

When I said why worry what they think, I was meaning only the birthday- not the other things.

[trulyscrummy]

Just start dropping a BIG hint. Bring a 'boyfriend' home (real or imagined).

[HappyHECmanay]

I would worry that inventing a boyfriend would put the op in danger, considering she says that this man is agressive and is still trying to have sex with her.

She needs to get out of the house / get him out.

[trulyscrummy]

If he's a REAL (emotionally 'connected') man he'll be happy to see his partner happy. If he's a neanderthal dangerous c**t...it doesn't bear thinking about.

[Whyislfesohard]

He approached me this evening to talk to him.
He said he will do anything it takes , I know , a thousand eyes roll this way. I agree. I told him nothing is going to change. I held my ground and spoke how I needed to.Change, with help? Counselling? It didn't the last time why should it now. He said he had been in denial all those times we were at counselling and the counseller pointed out the man he was and he nearly started on her as well. He said he didn't try hard enough.
He said he was sorry. He said he doesn't want the dcs growing up to live with partners like him.

I just don't buy it . It feels like manipulation. I have the hugest of doubt and the crawling feeling that I will be back to square one in no time. I have read Lundy Bancrofts book and everything he does rings true. Classic abuse.
He wants to "try again" (and again and again)
I'm not an idiot, I know he is just sorry because he's been dumped and I am being strong and telling him I cant have this behaviour anymore.
What worries me is that he still thinks that if he goes off to anger management or whatever the f* he plans on doing to help him to address his "issues" that he still thinks that he can live here or be with me.
He said he has no where else to go and he can't leave his children as they are all he has.
My heart nearly bled. But didnt. I just said that he cant expect me to want to be with him if he even does all these anger management counselling courses and what not.

To be honest I feel like one poster said above that the only way forward is through mediation. I feel claustraphobic.
Yes he is already sleeping in other room and has in the last week been nice as pie to me.
As I said to him though, I dont' want to go back into the same vicious cycle again.
I know it will never be right. He is deluded as he thinks I am his soulmate . .

[HappyHECmanay]

yes, he's manipulating you. trying to.

it's up to you whether to fall for it or not.

look, if he cared about you, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did all this time. He's not been caring much about you while he's been behaving like that, has he? so now he feels sorry for himself because you've finally said enough and refuse to take it any more.

first will come the pleadings
then he will turn on you and tell you how it was all your fault
then he'll probably threaten you - he'll take the kids etc

don't fall for any of it. it's a crock of shit.

[Whyislfesohard]

I know Happy - thank you, I am just wondering what I need to do next without it being a huge drama. For a man who has such anger issues and disrespect he can be so "diplomatic" and agreeable when he wants to be.
Total crock of shit. Even when I said I don't want to try anymore. He still said lets start now.....

[HappyHECmanay]

he's not going to listen to you.

what you say and what you want doesn't matter to him.

it's not over because he says it's not over.

I really think you need to get out of there.

[Whyislfesohard]

But my 4yr old little girl goes to school (just started this year) just around the corner and I don't drive which is why I guess this is so hard. She has SN and I need to be close to the school to get her there and back. I can't pay for daily taxis I just don't have he money. I am her full time carer. My other child is only a baby

[Whyislfesohard]

Jesus. He just came in, rubbed my leg and said "would you not be with me for my birthday"



Obviously I've just gotten really angry and said no and told him to gtfo of my face. I said "you havent listend to a word i said to you"

He said "I thought you might want to be with my on my birthday"

YOU I said YOU THOUGHT. FOR YOU. Nothing to do with me.

He left the room.
Came back - guiltily (as one could be after just being rejected for being a tosser)
His response ? "I'm sorry I just still have urges after x amount of years I cant just stop them"

I mean FFS.

[cabbageroses]

I am sorry but you seem to e mixed up too in your thinking.

You are worried about putting on a happy birthday front for your DP- for a 4yr old and a baby?


Who does the house belong to?

Rented? Owned?

If you really want to split you need to sort this out before anything.

If he won't leave then you are going to have to move out, get a job and ask for maintanence.
stsrt by getting legal advice..

[cabbageroses]

What have you decided?

[susiedaisy]

ok, when you have made your mind up that your marriage is over, see a solicitor and they should be able to advise you about getting a non molestation order against your H this will protect you from further harm, intimidation,etc, the 2nd part of this order is an occupation injunction which removes him from the property, and he cant come back for a year, i have just had to do this because of a abusive H who wouldn't leave despite the marriage being over, a judge will not throw you and your kids out on the street just because he is in a strop and doesn't want to leave the house, the courts are always concerned about what children are witnessing even if its not directed at them , a decent solicitor will be able to guide you and help you with this, if you are on a low income you can apply for legal aid for all of the court costs, and if you have 2 kids maintenance for ex H to pay is 20% of his take home pay that's the law doesn't matter what crap they say,you are also entitled to an increased amount of child tax credit and if you work 16 hours a week or more you can claim working tax credit, not saying any of this is easy it took me months to pluck up the courage to do this (about 6 in fact) but i had explored every other avenue and tried so many times to sort things out but in the end i felt i had no other choice, hope this info is of some help to you.