very blue

[nutsandtangerines]

feeling very hollow and tragic.
Missing my family, just saw them over xmas but weirdly didnt really "see" them, so shattered and stressed.
Felt horrible premonition when hugged mum goodbye. dont know when i will see her again.

horrible row with P today, he said he hates me and ruin everything. apologised later but doesn't obviously think these are as horrible things to say as I do. I was gutted. really felt like my insides are being pulled out I try so hard to make things nice it isn't good to hear I ruin everything
song came on which reminds me of home and I cried so hard I thought my heart was breaking and have felt desperate and hollow ever since.

feeling very unwell and desperately tired. 2nd baby due in spring don't know how i will cope physically or financially. keep thinking how nice it would be to be dead but i can't because i have a little girl and an unborn baby.

thought everything would be easier when xmas over with travelling and everything but it is all worse and i can't see how to make it better. don't know how I feel about P. or he about me.

don't know why I am posting this really just wanted to talk to someone

[Spero]

You poor love, it sounds overwhelming. Are you living far from your family?

Do you have anyone you can sit down and talk to and just try to get things clear in your head?

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Maybe it would help to try and break it down into different issues and see what you could realistically do about each of them.

But first it sounds as though you are very run down and need some physical rest so that you can think things through. Can your partner look after your little girl while you just spend some time resting?

I know it is trite but try to get some sleep and something to eat; it will help.

[loopylou6]

Oh you poor love. big hugs. How is your relationship normally? X

[msboogie]

what would make things better for you?

[nutsandtangerines]

thankyou for replying
it's ok but we haven't been sleeping together because he snores. did over xmas while staying in other places but i thought the lack of sleep would kill me although the closeness was nice sometimes
mum 250 miles away
haven't seen much of friends for a while. don't get out much while this tired and also don't like to moan and have a very small life and not much to talk about
best thing today was dd eating potatoes, peas and carrots at dinner, i thought she had given up vegetables

[Spero]

You have a daughter and another one on the way - you certainly don't have a 'small life'.

You sound depressed and I think you would benefit from seeing someone, just to try and get you out of the spiral of sadness.

[nutsandtangerines]

msboogie:

1. no asthma, more energy, no spd
   
2. being able to go swimming
   
3. not worrying about money
   
4. tidying up the house
   

4b including DP returning the stupid huge expensive present he bought for dd which doesn't work and he says he will but he won't because he won't bother and it will do my head in for ever

1. seeing my friends
   
2. seeing my mum
   
3. being in a band or choir
   
4. writing every day

[QuickLookBusySanta]

Nuts, it is good to make a list, would you beable to try to plan to do even one thing on it in January, to give you something to look forward to.

I know snoring can drive you mad, my DH does it sometimes and it seriously makes me want to murder him! I make him sleep in the spare room when I need a good nights sleep, I also have earplugs, which do help.

You sound so tired. Try to have a good sleep tonight.

[nutsandtangerines]

can't sleep
can't keep thinking like this about him or we are over. just lying here thinking things about him that make me angry

finally admitted a couple of days ago when he started talking cheerfully about holidays this year that I don't want to go on holiday. hate them. driving for a day to spend 7 solid nights without sleep while he snores all night and thinking of something to do in the rain with dd every day.
won't go to doctor about snoring. went on the internet instead, and ordered some stuff that doesn't work.
hasn't learnt to drive (promised would by end of the year now he has 2 days)
sits on the internet all the time while dd writes on furniture with biros
leaves all the budgeting to me and doesnt understand or believe how little money we have. keeps badgering me about moving because he doesn't like the house. every time he says this I say: please go and look at the spreadsheets I set up in our shared docs and see that we are going to have a deficit of hundreds every month if we move where you want to. see if you can make the numbers work differently by suggesting different things. he won't do this. this house wouldn't be that bad after a clear out anyway, he could always do that and get some better storage, oh no moving is the only solution
generally does my head in by wasting money
won't give me the figures I need to fill in tax credit forms, i keep asking for his p60 and he says ok i will find it then nothing happens for 10 days. then I say ok if you can't find it let's just sit down and work out the figures, he says no I will get it. nothing happens. then I say, you can get a replacement from work that might be easier. then he says ok, then nothing happens. this has been happening for nearly 2 years.
thinks everything is my fault because I can get depressed sometimes. thinks he can say whatever horrible things he likes to me and always be justified because I am difficult.

can't come back from yesterday, it was such an awful row. I was putting things in a bag telling him to leave, he told me he hated me on christmas eve and again yesterday. i am not perfect but I am not hatable, he pushed me aside and shut himself in a room with dd and freaked out at me, I tried to get in and he smashed my hand in the door, it is throbbing. I have our passports and her birth certificate hidden maybe i should just take her and go somewhere. but i don't know where and I don't feel physically able to cope with anything like that and I am not really in the right frame of mind to make decisions. I feel really really sad because I just feel like we can't come back from this, I feel ragged and disgusted with all this

i almost regret having children but i can't regret dd

morning soon and back into it all

[monkey9237]

Would you be able to go to your mums or another family member? Would they pay your train fare etc if you cannot?

Hope that us not a stupid suggestion.

PS REALLY know your pain when it come to snoring!

[nutsandtangerines]

i don't really want to explain why i am going there or tell them how terrible i feel
back to work on 4 jan
this is supposed to be a break, was losing it with tiredness when leaving work for xmas, feel worse now
agh forgot to pay congestion charge 2days ago, how much is that now

[nutsandtangerines]

thanks for replying, monkey
hope you are ok, nothing wrong being up so early

[sakura]

This might sound trite, but don't underestimate tiredness. The overwhelming tiredness of early pregnancy is incredible.
Would it be possible to go and stay with your mum? I reckon that would help a lot.
It's perfectly normal in many cultures for women to go back to their families when pregnant or for childbirth and post-partum

wrt the writing, I feel your pain. I need to write but it's difficult. It was awful when I was pregnant because I knew I'D have to write off an entire year because it's impossible to write when you have a tiny baby. IT's not so much the time, but the head space you can't afford...

[sakura]

I also think your P is rubbish, really unsupportive It would do you good to go and stay somewhere for a while, have someone to look after you for a change. Think seriously about staying with your mum, or even a friend.

[sakura]

oh, I just read your last post. He's not just rubbish, he's abusive. Do you have any savings? You have to take steps to leave safely

[beingsetup]

So you
have spd/tiredness
work
get no love/affection/support
have money problems
feel frustrated and unable to control your situation
miss your family

And probably some other things as well....
Firstly, SORRY and unmumsnetty hugs

Is it possible you have pre natal depression? Would it be worth seeing the doctor?

You will feel better once the baby is here - I remember feeling really really bad during my last pregnancy.

Is there any way you could take maternity leave early and go and stay with your mum? For a few days or weeks?

How about writing your partner rather than confronting him, and telling him that if he doesn't give you support you will leave?

And failing that do you have any friends where you live who could help you?

[monkey9237]

Is there anywhere you can go with your child if you don't want to go to your family and tell them what is happening? Would calling the Samaritans help or is that too wishy washy and not enough real help? (just a suggestion??)

Stupid thing to say, but please try and be kind to yourself. You are pregnant and all this stress is not good. I speak from experience of hypertension and an emergency early c-section. Your H should be treating you SO much better and if he isn't then you need to protect yourself and your child/ren's health and wellbeing any way you can manage.

I am ok thanks for asking, just have a non-sleeping 2year-old, so I was awake as usual in the early hours! I had PND when my child was born and my "D"H was far from kind, so I know how you might be feeling (and I also didn't want to tell my family so I know where you are coming from with that) X

[almostgrownup]

Your P sounds like another child that you have to look after - spending ages on the internet, refusing to confront financial issues, and buying silly unaffordable big presents.

Unlikely that he is going to grow up fast enough to be any help to you.

Could you ask him to leave?

[kayah]

I used to get very upset on idiotic suggestions from my ex. Quite late in my relationship I learned to nod and say, please go and sort that out if you think that's best.
You know - if your dh is unable to find his P60 or look at spreadsheets you've prepared or return Christmas gifts he won't be able to prepare house for sale - puting that responsibility on his shouldets is going to put stop on him moaning.

There are still few days for you to catch up with sleep. Lack of it is killing you.

How old is your dd?
Is she at childminders/nursery whilst you are working?
Maybe sending here for one day tomorrow is possible and you can get a day to catch up with your writing or sleep?

[nutsandtangerines]

well i have just found out that the congestion charge didn't apply the day before yesterday so that is one good thing.

He is not that bad, he does loads with dd and I couldn't cope on my own. but it is bothering me that somehow we aren't communicating, the thing about money isn't hitting home - I think he thinks we both earn good money, he needs to get to grips with the fact that that doesn't mean a thing when you have childcare to factor in.
Don't know why i am so heartbroken about that present for dd. yes I do really there are about 4 different reasons but it is all too upsetting to type

I can't do anything any more. have had a voice in my head for days saying "I can't do any more" and now I actually really just can't. I just can't. DP has got dd up and breakfasted and played with her and put her back to bed for nap and I haven't surfaced. I could hear her saying "where mama?" he probably hates me again. don't care. not getting up till I get bedsores

[nutsandtangerines]

kayah - ha ha idiotic suggestions - yesterday I was upset about not seeing dd enough, among all the millions of things I was crying about, and he said "maybe we should get up earlier and spend more time with her before she goes to the childminder, we could all get up at 6 and do something" I didn't say anything, but I just boggled.I get up at 6.30, which is too late, and I cry nearly every morning because I am so tired. I don't think we are going to have a happy family stroll in the (dark) park at 6 in the morning. Still he means well

[nutsandtangerines]

Thanks to everyone for your replies, chatting online really helps.
Pulling myself together a bit now.
thanks everyone

[curtaincall]

If he hurts you again physically dear nuts, just leave. Your health and that of your dd and unborn child are far too precious to be put at risk. If he can hurt you when you are pregnant, he may do more when you aren't. Don't settle for unkindness. You sound as though you're close to your mother (though not geographically). Would she not rather you were safe in her house - even for a while to sleep, to have a good rest and help with your dd? Take yourself to safety. Good luck and have a happier new year.

[kayah]

"maybe we should get up earlier and spend more time with her before she goes to the childminder, we could all get up at 6 and do something"

that's exactly what I meant - next time calmly say to him, what a good idea, please wake up early and get her read so when I am up I can spend that 30 min playing with her instead of getting her ready...

ball in his court - watch for his reaction (none it will be AFAIK) :-)