Don't know what to do about my brother... he has 'ishoos' but ...

[Normasnorks]

Have older brother, 4 years older than me (he's aged 49 next year)

I've never really got on with him/seen eye to eye with him. We are very different. Had different experiences of school etc (I did well, he didn't...)
His relationship with my parents was also difficult at times (especially my Dad).
He always seemed to resent me & say that my parents treated him unfairly and favoured me (I don't beleive that's true - they seemed to give us both the same opportunities, it's just that I seemed to make more of mine/ was luckier etc).

I'm now married with two kids, nice house etc. DH & I work hard to make it all happen.

My mum died about 5 years ago, and my Dad moved nearer to me, and I have taken on the role of looking after/ watching out for Dad (who now has a long-term health condition and needs more and more help).

Meanwhile my brother is single (never married/ no kids - had one long term 7 yr relationship which ended). He lives about 250 miles away.
He rarely contacts me, except the occasional e-mail. He hasn't been to see my Dad for the last 4 years here, nor has he seen my kids (his only nephews) for the last 6 years. Doesn't send birthday cards to anyone. Didn't send Xmas cards this year.

He has never had much money. He has had a few 'good' jobs over the years, but always seems to fall out rapidly with his bosses. On the odd occasions that he has contacted me he has always ended up ranting and complaining about something.

I have invited him to stay with us many times (to see us and Dad) but he has always made excuses. We have even offered to pay for him to come down, but he always has an excuse.

This Christmas (as usual) I had my Dad at ours, with some of DH's family to stay. It was a busy day - I was up at 6.15 with the kids, and I don't think I sat down to relax until after 8 p.m.
On Xmas morning I got a text from my brother saying he was hoping to speak to us later. I replied, saying yes, we were eating at 1.30 pm, so maybe after that.

I was so busy with everything at home I didn't call him. At about 5 pm (while I was making sandwiches) I asked my Dad if he wanted to give him a call, and Dad said no, he's call him after 6 pm (when Dad got back to his flat).

On Boxing Day I discovered my Brother had sent an e-mail saying
"Is everything OK? This is the first year ever where I have not talked
with a member of the family."

I just replied saying 'Didn't Dad call you? He said he would. Things were really busy here and I'm afraid I didn't get a minute. Why didn't you give us a call?'

He then sent a snotty reply:
"This year I emailed you on Christmas morning and said I hoped to talk with you all. I'm not sure what more I can do?

I came back from XXX's early at 8pm because I thought you would want to call but no one did. According to 1471 no one had called since XXXX at 3pm.

Dad didn't call and obviously I had no idea what time he would be back at home.

But if none of you want to call me on Christmas Day there is nothing I can do about it."

I just replied saying sorry, but things had been very hectic, and why didn't he call us, and we would have happily spoken to him.

Then yesterday I received a HUGE, LONG e-mail from him, which can only be described as a vitriolic out-pouring of loads of stuff about how the family has always been 'against him' and citing lots of 'proof' which includes an occasion 20 years ago when he had to sleep on an inflatable mattress at home when visiting my parents, while I got bed (WTF? )

It really is just a really nasty, bitter and twisted e-mail, accusing me of all sorts of ridiculous things which are just blatantly not true.
He's also vitriolic about my Dad, accusing him of lying about not having any money when my brother wanted to buy a house. The fact is my Dad had previously lent my brother £'ooos for a flat in previous years which my brother had then lost when he wasn't able to keep up the mortgage payments. My brother also currently lives rent-free in a house owned by Dad, for which my Dad pays the council tax & water bills.

Anyway, I could go on.... but this e-mail really shocked and upset me. I just don't understand what has triggered it, and I don't know how to deal with it (I simply haven't replied at the moment)

I just keep thinking my brother must have some mental health issues? Perhaps is having a breakdown ? Or has some sort of paranoia etc?
He lives many miles away, has pretty much always been horrible to me. I feel like we have all tried to help him over the years (I have given him money which of course I never got back)

I think he needs help, but I don't know where to start. I am already swamped with caring for my own family and elderly father. I admit I feel slightly angry at the prospect of having to help someone who has always been distant and unpleasant to me.

I feel like replying with an angry retort, outlining how misguided and wrong he is about his allegations etc, but that seems childish and petty, and I suspect will just spark yet another long e-mail.

I really don't know how to deal with this.

Help.

[MummieHunnie]

Is your db living in the former family home now that your Dad has moved close to you? How come he is not paying your Dad rent? What is your db accusing you of that is lies? Why have you never been to see your db and only expect him to visit you? Why did your Dad not phone your db when he said he would? I don't really understand what you mean by 1471, do you mean on your phone the last number called did not match the time he said he would call? or was your db trying to phone your father at his house and the times did not match? When you said in your text to your db who I assume was spending the day alone, that you would speak later and didn't speak to him, did you phone another time to apologise to him for breaking your promise?(I understand you were busy, I think knowing he was waiting for you and he is alone you would remember to phone him as you had promised him you would)

It's really hard to tell from your post if he has mental health problems or not. The anger at a family of origin issues are not always an indication of mental health issues.

The falling out with boss's doesn't sound good. Have you got any more information about your db's life?

[Tortington]

id say this and only this

"sorry you feel that way, i;m here if you need me"

that gives him nothing and makes you the good guy

it will make him absolutley seethe - i promise

[Normasnorks]

Sorry about the first post, it was way too long (I'm amazed anyone replied - thank you!)

MummieHunnie - We haven't visited him because

a) he has never suggested it or invited us, and
b) he lives either in a one-bed council flat about 200 miles away, or my Dad's former holiday home which is about 350 miles away(not the old family house, which was sold when Dad moved).

There simply wouldn't be room for my family of 4 and my Dad.

But I have invited him to ours on numerous occasions and said he is most welcome whenever he wants to visit.
He always finds excuses - too busy (although he then complains he has no work) or no money (even if we offer to pay fares) or just that it's 'too complicated' or that he 'can't leave his pet rats' ( I have offered to have them to stay too )

My Dad has quite advanced Parkinsons and mild dementia. I can never be quite sure whether he does what he says he will. He now has a very bad memory and can't even remember if he's been out for a paper in a day!

There have always been issues over the years. When my Dad sold the family home, we suggested that he also sell the holiday home (which was about 50 miles further away) since it would never be used again. My brother had a fit, and accused us all of trying to make him 'homeless' as he claims he spends half the year there. In reality he spends maximum 6-8 weeks there, (the rest in his city-based council flat) and meanwhile my Dad foots all the regular bills.
No one else in the family can use the property as my brother has filled it up with stuff in the bedrooms. A few years ago I stried to suggest we could renovate it, and rent it out but also got a tirade of abuse for that!

I didn't call him on Christmas day, no. The thing is, I don't consider us to have a close relationship. I can e-mail him or call him and he won't reply for days (even a week once). On one occasion Dad and I were genuinely worried about him as he seemed to have 'disappeared'. There was no reply to any calls or e-mails. I don't know anything of his life or friends. Finally I tracked down his mobile phone and called him at about 12 noon. He shouted at me and said What the F*ck was I calling him for - I'd just woken him up .

When he texted that he hoped to speak to me, I assumed he would call us. I knew he was spending Xmas day with a neighbour. The 1471 thing is him checking the phone to 'check up' whether I'd phoned - and then using as angry 'proof' that I hadn't! (Why didn't he just pick up the phone and call us???)

In the past I have lent his money - £500 last time. Last year I sent him an Amazon voucher and he replied that a Tesco one would have been better.
Dad sent his £100 this Christmas. In his e-mail he acknowledged it, but said it was 'a drop in the ocean' !

He keeps ranting on about how Dad said he would give him half his money when he died, but now he thinks I am manipulating him (Dad) and that it won't happen.

I have never tried to influence Dad on this. But I DO know that my father changed his will to include my kids when they were born.

Besides it's academic - it's likely that any savings my father has will be used up in caring for him as his condition deteriorates.

I really don't know what my brother wants or expects from me. He gives nothing and expects everything.

I don't really feel that I owe him anything to be honest...

[MummieHunnie]

I don't know what to say.

[Pantofino]

I personally wouldn't bother with him. If he wants to remain in contact with the family put the onus on him to do so. Sounds like a spoilt child.

[Pantofino]

And I would insist on the holiday cottage being sold, to provide some extra cash for your dad. It sounds like he could well be in need of more care than you can single handedly provide in the future. You brother is a grown man - he needs to start taking responsibility for his own life.

[unavailable]

From some the things you mention it sounds as if he may have some underlying mental health issues and may be currently more unwell than usual (hoarding, paranoia, inability to sustain relationships).

Does he drink? Could his email have been written in a maudlin post binge mood?

[Normasnorks]

Thank you for your replies.
I have written more here than I intended, but I was just so upset, and this e-mail attack was just so unjustified and unexpected.

I feel so caught in the middle, as my Dad has avoided getting drawn into any discussions in the past, always opting for the 'easy' option i.e. ignore or not confront any issues with my brother.

Dad is now unable to make any rational decisions for himself and he recognises this and has asked me to help him put financial and health power of attorney documents in place.

My brother just seems in complete denial about my dad's condition (and hasn't seen him for over 4 years so hasn't witnessed the decline). After I take Dad to his appointments at the hospital I always send my brother an e-mail updating him of any developments and he replies with things like "Dad sounded fine when I spoke to him on the phone last time..."

Unavailable - yes - you have hit it on the head - the hoarding, paranoia, inability to sustain relationships are all things which make me wonder if my brother has mental health problems.
One of the things he accused me of is 'colluding with my Dad' to 'throw out' all my brother's stuff that was left in the family home when Dad moved. The fact is that it had been about 15 years since he had last lived there and there were still old schoolbooks and comics etc. We told him we needed to clear things out before the move months in advance and asked him if he wanted it/ could he come to help, but he didn't reply or come.
About 2 years after the move he started asking where his 'box of comics' or 'old camera' was. Of course most of it had been given to house clearance or charity by then, and he started accusing Dad & I of 'stealing his stuff and selling it'


I don't know if he drinks particularly, and I did wonder if he was feeling particularly maudlin when he sent the e-mail, but even so...

DH says I should just completely ignore him, but I worry that he'll top himself or something and write a suicide note blaming me .... just to spite me....

[earwicga]

He's having a shitty Christmas and poured out all of the stuff he is holding onto in one big binge to you. It's horrible for you, but I guess you can deal with it. You owe him nothing and I hope in the cold light of day you aren't really upset at this email. Family are strange buggers really! I wouldn't blank him as he obviously needs you - perhaps an email back with a few platitudes and wishing him a happy new year?

[earwicga]

And, he probably does have mental health issues. Sounds a bit like one of my brothers. But there is nothing you can realistically do for him, except send an email, and you have enough on with the family you do have on your doorstep.

[MummieHunnie]

I think you have enough going on with your own family, and your dad having difficulties right now. As you say your father will need some care at some point, so the issue of the extra house needs to be dealt with. If it was me, I would tell your brother the time limits and if he does not adhere, then remove his stuff and have it put into storage or posted to his flat, and put the extra house on the market, once you have all had a holiday this year, best get rid of all the extra hastle and then you have money for carers for your father. If you are worried about your brother, I am sure they would take the information on their records, you can write to his gp detailing your concern, I very much doubt that they would get back to you re confidentiality.

[hairyfairylights]

He sounds very much like he has mental health issues.
Is there anything you can do practically to help him find some support/diagnosis/treatment?

[Normasnorks]

Thanks again for the replies - it's really helpful to 'talk this over' with people.

I wish I could help him get a diagnosis or support etc, but I have no idea who is GP is, and I also don't believe he would go to see him/her. It's a classic case of paranoia etc - he doesn't see that HE has any problems - it's everyone else who is at fault in his mind.

I really haven't been involved in his life over the last 20 years or so - our lives have really gone in different directions (I also lived abroad for a few years).

I suppose I am slightly resentful that he isn't helping with Dad at all, and that on top of that he is actively hindering things by being so possessive of the holiday house.
He says that Dad once told him that he 'could have it' (I don't believe this) and therefore he will fight any attempt to sell it.

I know money is tight for him, and I do sympathise, but he can't expect his 80-year old father to keep subsidising him.

I think you're all right about not sending a retaliatort e-mail - it would just add fuel to the fire....

I feel so torn... wanting to help him on one hand, and then frustrated and angry that I seem to be the one the 'buck stops with' here (we have no other family to speak of).

[winsome]

Wow! Have just stumbled across this - so familiar to myself...older brother with issues, blames everyone, helps no-one - even laid into me Xmas before last (police called etc) after I'd tried to bring the family together ..blah, blah, blah ......short of it is - nothing you can do til he wants to help himself. He has to recognise he is the one with issues and just be there for when/if he decides its time. Hate to say I don't think that time will come for us - he's bitter, drinks, pushes most people away - very, very sad & brings tears each time I think on it...but unless I want to feel even worse/make him even worse we have to keep the distance. Hate it more as family health issues also - hurts me knowing he's not part of the rest of the family's lives. I feel for you, really do.

[Underachieving]

"I just keep thinking my brother must have some mental health issues? Perhaps is having a breakdown ? Or has some sort of paranoia etc?"

Or perhaps he's just really upset and has been going through his whole life feeling like the outsider in the family for so long it's really getting to him.

Clearly he's got different values to you, you compare your lifestyle to his quite unfavourably. No one stopped to call him on Christmas Day, if he was deeply loved they would have, no matter what.

I'm not sayin he's an angel, but I am saying that to trash his sanity because he got the arse about not being called on Christmas Day is a little bit harsh don't you think? So what if he doesn't own a house, or have a wife?

Yes, he might be paranoid, but who are you to set the mental health services on him. If he can function, wash, get fed, leave the house, then they're not going to do anything meaningful anyhow. Within the NHS mental health is known as the Cinderella Service because it's funding appears and disapears so much it makes glass slippers look stable.

Does it really do any harm if he wants to live in the holiday home? So what if he thinks you sold his camera? Don't get me wrong, I'm not intending to out and out defend this guy, more to make you just consider the other side of the coin.

It might make you feel validated to be able to label him with something and therefore justify to yourself that you're Ok and his behaviour isn't your fault, but you could do that anyway by just making the deicison not to take emotional responsibility for his tantrums. If he's functioning (albeit in a way that irritates you) where is the need to drag him to the Psychiatrist for a diagnosis of something he can manage alongside anyway?

[globex]

Oh dear, this is very sad. He sounds like my brother.

I think you just have to cut him some slack - he probably sees you as the favourite, always getting what you want (family of your own, close to father etc) and himself as the outsider. He'll be bitter but you've got to forgive him. Would he see a therapist? Perhaps privately, not NHS? I'm not sure about serious MH issue but he definitely does have issues..

[BarbaraBar]

I don't think you can necessarily assume mental health issues

He's the outsider and he knows it and perhaps he's lashing out at you because you're the "easy" target iyswim rather thsn your father.

My brother was the favourite in our family. My mother even admitted it. It's soul destroying and can potentially have a massive impact on your life if you don't deal with it. If that's his perception of events there is nothing you can do to change it. He may also be having other problems in his life which have made him particularly volatile/lonely/upset.

Don't send long email back. It won't get you anywhere and will only inflame things. Do as custardo suggests and reply briefly saying "I'm sorry you feel like that. I'm here for you if you want to talk."

You have enough on your plate to get dragged down by this. Reply (briefly) and move on.