Custody arrangements

[675]

I have 2 dc, a 1yr old and a 3yr old.

Currently they live with the ex DW (separated not divorced).

From reading the internet and off hand conversations with legal people I understand that the law will grant me, at best, every other weekend and potentially a day during the week (I have agreed with my employer to do a 4 day week and have done this since the first DC, except for approximately 6m).

I currently get then a day a week and every other weekend.

However, reading various threads here, there is a suggestion that it is possible to get 50/50 or at least increased access.

For example, I know of two work friends who get their children doing the week and the other parent gets them on the weekend.

What are the current guidelines for children and how can I, if its in the best interests of the DC, which I believe it is, get more access?

In terms of proximity I live approximately 10 miles away from the DC but am happy to move closer if that is going to lead me to have more time with them. My long term plan is to buy a house close to where I expect them to be going to school.

thanks for any help

[perfectstorm]

Your best bet is to try to negotiate reasonably and calmly with their mother, explaining that you want to be as involved as possible and to see as much of them as you can. No court is going to order one parent to do all the weeks (the hard, grunt work of parenting) and not get any of the weekends (the quality time). Some families do get week about, but in most cases I think there is a reason for that; perhaps there was shared care before the split, perhaps the couple agree that's for the best and co-operate well.

I think it's great that you want a lot of contact, and good for you there. But there are considerations on how unsettling it can be for kids to shuffle between two houses. Some, it works well for. Others, and it makes them feel really unsettled. Your children are really very tiny indeed - I have to ask, who did the majority of the care before you split up? And if you were to get week on, week off care, would you be providing care for them, or would a nursery/childminder? Does your ex work the same hours as you, or is she in a position to care for them more in her own capacity?

I suppose what I'm saying is that the instinct to care for and see lots of your kids is great, but you've not really clarified how you plan to care for them more than the 1 weekday and alternate weekends you are free to do so, that would compensate for the extra upheaval for them of managing two home bases. It can be done - I have a friend who went part-time to do it, in fact - but it's something you may need to ponder before raising it with your ex.

I'd advise against court at all costs, though. You are unlikely to be on good terms with your ex after, even if you were before. Try talking to her about it - she loves them, you love them, you may be able to negotiate increased time in a way that suits you both.

[675]

Thanks for the response PS.

I am unlikely to get more time.

I was going to go part-time at work, down to a 3 day week, with one day at home.

I am trying to avoid court as well.

Ah well

[Snorbs]

Have you talked to Families Need Fathers? They're a good bunch and they can really help. I think you're right in trying to avoid court as that makes the whole situation much more confrontational.

The "every other weekend plus a mid-week afternoon/evening" thing is the most common contact arrangement but it's by no means the only one. Shared care - even if it's not a strict 50:50 split - is becoming more common. But a lot of parents who have ended up with that kind of share started off with the kind of contact you have now.

You've got years of your children's lives ahead of you. I know you want to see them lots right now but it can be better to see this as a long game and one that depends on building trust and co-operation. You might not get 50:50 tomorrow, but by being co-operative, flexible, respectful and trustworthy you've got a much greater chance of getting something closer to 50:50 a year or two down the line.

(Or, the other way a fair number of parents get 50:50 is where the parent with the most time is a spiteful and controlling pain in the arse and the court decides that he/she is not acting in the children's best interests. But let's hope it doesn't come to that)

Does your ex work? If so, it might be worth seeing if you can have the children when she works. How close do you two live together?