anyones DH had anger management?

[lumpybumpyme]

I have been here a longtime but changed name, so if you work out who I am, please do not out me.

My husband has always had a bit of a temper, he tended to slam doors and punch stuff when we first where together but hasnt happen for a long time and he appeared to have it under control, with it only happening maybe once a year.
In the last week he has lost it twice infront of our children. Once because he said I was nagging him, and he popped one of the kids balloons and stormed off slaming door and breaking frame. DC1 was in tears she was very scarced.
The other was this morning, I was asleep and he was downstairs with our DC. Clearly he was trying to get ready for work and running late (because he spent an hour sitting drinking his coffee )
He woke me yelling at our youngest for hurting the eldest (a number of times this morning). He had her in his arm and sat on her on the step. He sounded so scarcy, I just ran down the stairs screaming at him to stop it now and calm the hell down.
Both DC were crying and I took them both upstairs with me.

Now he is never physical with me or the children and this rarely happens. Im not scarced of him normally but when he loses it he does scarce me.
I remember very clearly my own father being like this and how scarced I was as a young child.

Now he has said sorry so many times to me and the DC today, is horrified that he lost it this morning and knows its not acceptable and I will not stand for it.

Has anyones DH had anger management or is he likely to be turned away as "its not that bad"?? I have told him to look at his triggers and warning signs.

help please

[Eurostar]

Find out who offers it in your area. It's a postcode lottery as far as charities or NHS go. No one will turn him away privately, you can look up therapists who specialise in anger management on bacp or babcp website.

Sometimes works, nothing to lose in trying - I'm talking about proper anger management here that looks at triggers etc and coping strategies such as relaxation, not a perpetrators' programme which is more controversial as some say it teaches abusers how to abuse more.

[GypsyMoth]

well my ex dh had a few courses and it never worked with him.

[BertieBottlesOfMulledWine]

Is he like this with other people, e.g. in the street, in the supermarket, at work? Or is it just you and the DCs that he loses control with?

I'm only asking because if it's just with you then this isn't a case of anger that needs managing - he wouldn't be turned away because it's "not bad enough" (it sounds horrific to live with :() but that it's not the issue which needs solving TBH.

When you say it was "only" happening once a year or so, do you not think that was bad enough then? Aren't you and your DCs walking on eggshells constantly for fear of the next yearly outburst?

I hope you can find the help and support you need. I think in this case it's a lot bigger than an anger management course would help with. (Also interested to know whether he's suggested it himself or whether it's an idea you've come up with on his behalf...)

[BertieBottlesOfMulledWine]

Argh I completely missed my own point in my second paragraph. What I meant to say was if it's really just a loss of control which he could learn to manage then he would lose control like this in all situations - at work, in supermarkets, with his friends etc. If it's reserved solely for you then he already knows how to control himself and he's just choosing not to when you and your DDs are around. What does that say about how much he values you?

[lumpybumpyme]

no he has lost it at work once, but not as bad, but only because he walked out. He has also lost his temper with a family memember and yelled at them too.
No Im not walking on egg shells, life is normally pretty good. Im not scarced of him losing his temper normally, its just when he slams things.
I know its not acceptable and so does he, but do think he needs to find a better way to manage his anger when his stressed. He was very upset today and told me he remembers his dad chasing him around the house angry, and then catching him and hitting him with slipper, belt ect. He said he doesnt want our children to be scarced of him, and neither do I.

[Tortington]

my dh found one and paid for it.


however i think you might be better with parenting classes tbh

and relate regarding communication techniques

[lumpybumpyme]

parenting classes? Why? The children are well behaved and we use time out and lots of praise. They have bounderies and both of us agree physical punishment is not on.

[Tortington]

i also think that there needs to be perspective. of course there is the kind of 'lost the plot' kind of anger and shouting. shouting is ok in my book

[BertieBottlesOfMulledWine]

Well then it sounds as though it's worth a try. He does need to be prepared for it to be a lot of work and not just a quick fix, though. Has he looked at having counselling or psychotherapy too? Perhaps there are some issues WRT his upbringing which he needs to deal with before he can manage this effectively.

Could he not walk away if he feels the anger welling up at home? Either to another room if he's in sole charge of the DCs or actually out if you are in as well. Just as a short term solution until he learns some better coping techniques.

[lumpybumpyme]

see thats what I think Custardo, shouting happens, we all shout at times, I certainly do. this was a lost the plot kinda anger, but I dont think its end of the world, omg I have to leave stuff.
He is normally so sweet and very kind and calm. Its just this one thing and he is under huge stress (never a reason i know).

[lumpybumpyme]

thanks Bertie, there is huge issues around his childhood which I know about. I have suggested he look at triggers and one thing he said was the amount he has to do in the morning to get to work (he doesnt multitask well at all and HAS to finish one task before able to start another).
So this evening he has done everything that he possibility can to make morning less stressful.

I will also suggest leaving the room too, I tend to use that one :)

[DioneTheDiabolist]

My Ex asked for them and was told he would have to pay as they were mostly geared towards teenagers who have a better chance of benefitting. When we went to Relate, we were told that the course was 26weeks long and the drop out rate was really high, so they were only providing them in conjunction with Probation Services.

Maybe your DH would be better with personal therapy/counselling to help him work out his own issues and not take it out on those around him?

[mathanxiety]

Read Why Does He Do That; Inside The Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft for reasons not to go to anger management classes and for a very good account of why anger is not really the problem, and how he may be using, not losing his temper.

I agree that some sort of therapy for him might be the best course of action.

He needs to communicate better -- if he is under huge stress or whatever, then he needs to tell you about it. However, stress is no reason to go around scaring your children like that. That is the behaviour of a bully. He has to accept that there is no justification whatsoever for treating his children like that. If he doesn't behave like that with other people outside the family then there's an element of doing it because he can.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

lumpy

Sounds like you married a man just like your Dad (did your mother also leave the room with you when your Dad was doing this as well?).

Unless your man wants to properly address the issues surrounding his own awful childhood then an anger management course in itself is not going to help him or anyone.

What were you taught about relationships as a child and what are you both teaching your children about relationships now?. You need to consider that moot point, how do you think your children feel?. Hurt and confused bu their Dad - they feel the same as you did as a child. You are both now teaching them damaging lessons just as both your own parents and his did.

I would also suggest you read the Lundy Bancroft book recommended; this is no way to live your life.

[cestlavielife]

yes read lundy bancroft.
he may be sorry but he is the adult here -

suggest to him he tries taking control of himself when he feels the rage...stopping, counting to 10, moving himself from the situation.

you said you screamed at him - how often do you both end up screaming? it doesnt create nice environment for DC.

parenting course may be more easily accessible. they will also look at parents reactions to stress etc. ie what to do if the kids are playing up.
if he has stresses at work etc then he can ask GP for counselling referral.

eep a log of triggers and what he does - yu might see a pattern. also look closely at how often you or DC manage your behaviour to avoid an outburst. sometimes it ' s only when you look more closely you see more of what is happening.

when you use time out - is it done calmly or do you/he shout at kids to get into time out? when is it used? dont have to answer - just to think about.

yuo have two DC scare of their dad. that isnt good.

[lumpybumpyme]

I have never screamed at him before, we rarely have disagreements and never infront of the children (its one of our rules).
Time out is always calmly done and only normally for physical or dangerous behaviour.

No my mother always told him to leave and calm down when dad did this when I was younger, she wasnt scarced of him at all.

Your right I need to look at what impact this has on our children and I know its not right.
Will sit down and have a frank discussion with him later tonight once children are asleep.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re your comment:-

"I have never screamed at him before, we rarely have disagreements and never infront of the children (its one of our rules)".

Well he broke that particular rule big time last week more than once. There was and is no justification for him kicking off; I would argue that he learnt this behaviour from his parents as you learnt how to react to it from your mother (BTW are your parents still together?).

Your Mr Angry is the sort who would start an argument in an empty room. Your children also see and hear all this and react accordingly. You took them upstairs to a place of safety like your own mother did. Your mother was not scared of her man but you were and it has had effects that continue to this day.

I put it to you again, what are you both teaching these young people about relationships here?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons. You also run the risk of your children repeating these patterns as adults.

BTW as well talking to him about this will be a waste of time and effort on your part as he will give you empty platitudes again along with sincere promises to change. Just remember that actions speak louder than words. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

I would also ask you what you are getting out of this relationship now.

[cestlavielife]

i think attila has picked up on something there - yuo took them upstairs to hide - why didnt you ask him to leave the house?

when you discuss with him, can you suggest he leaves the house til he calmed down? a walk around the block in fresh air will always help calm nerves...

DC need to know the house is a safe place...

[Eurostar]

don't agree with those who say anger management is useless, it depends on the person - and on a good anger management coure, not some endless, slow counselling, you have to confront why you do what you do first. One of the first things a good anger management course does is get you to reflect on the advantages of anger - which might be for example, people do what you want/you feel you get respect for being someone who takes no prisoners/you feel a physical relief after the outburst - whatever the reasons are, first you have to admit to them and find ways to believe that those advantages are no longer advantageous to you. Then you do a lot of work on relaxation etc. Triggers actually come quite a bit later.

For someone with a really damaged background they have to work really really hard to change those thoughts and behaviours and not many can, either through not being able to convince themselves of the advantages of not being so or just through years of conditioning.

However, OP's DH doesn't sound a lost case at all and it might help him. Really worth getting a CBT therapist with an additional schema training who specialises in anger management.