Really struggling

[malinkey]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I normally post in relationships so here goes.

I split up with emotionally abusive H back in July but we are stuck living in the same house until it's sold. A long story but we had to do work on it and it's going on the market in the new year so hopefully it will sell quickly and I can move on with DS.

We are in separate bedrooms thankfully and don't spend too much time together but while superficially I have been coping quite well so far I am beginning to feel like I'm going under. I feel so angry with him I can barely remain civil, I'm not sleeping very well and I just generally feel pretty depressed and close to tears a lot.

I know I've made the right decision but I really wish I could get out of this place and get on with my life.

I imagine what I'm feeling is probably pretty normal after what I've been through and trying to come to terms with everything and with being stuck in this situation for the time being but some days I feel like I'm going bananas and wonder if it's maybe just me.

I don't know what I want really but just wondered if anyone had any advice?

[domeafavour]

oh that doesn't sound good.
I bet you can't wait to get it sorted.
this must be really intolerable
Can you do something just for you? to get out of the house. does he look after DS?

[malinkey]

Yes, I can't wait to get it sorted. I can't really let myself think about how long it might take to sell or I start panicking so am trying to live day by day at the moment.

I do try and get out of the house when I can but have been feeling so low recently that I feel less like seeing friends so it's a bit of a vicious circle. Logically I know my friends could cope with seeing me when I'm not at my best but emotionally I feel like I don't have much to offer so can't believe that they'd want to see me. It's daft because I know if one of my friends felt like this that I'd want to see them but I can't seem to convince myself IYSWIM.

Anyway, we're going away for christmas so maybe that'll help.

[SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets]

Malinky, you sound like you have done a fantastic job of keeping it together so far.

Not sure what to say except can you get away for a few days, have a break, get some sleep?

Have you got anyone in RL you can talk to for support?

I was stuck with a half done up house and my ex, I feel your pain and I wonder if partly your reaction is due to the fact that the house is going on the market in the new year? As in, you know that you now only have to keep going for a finite amount of time and the end is in sight?

Can you come up with some kind of coping strategy for the next few weeks to help you deal with this? How about trying to get in one treat for you a day, be it half an hour in the bath, a new book, going for a walk etc - carving out some time for you to do what you want and need to do to keep you sane until the house is sold? Would that help?

[malinkey]

Thanks Snowy.

I have got people I can talk to but I don't want to bore them with it all the time. Boring myself TBH!

Yes you might be right. If I'd thought back in July that we'd still be living here at christmas and not even on the market I might well have had a breakdown there and then. So yes, maybe the end in sight is making it harder to cope with in a way!

Your coping strategy sounds like a good idea. I'll give it a go. I'd like to try and do some exercise too as I think that might help but I do find it hard in this weather. New year's resolution perhaps!

[SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets]

Maybe allow yourself one night to indulge? Watch a soppy movie, cry, weep, wail, feel sorry for yourself, whinge, just get it all out.

Then draw a line under it, and give yourself a break!

After that, a new day, a new start - plan your treats week by week and ring fence them so noone can take them away from you.

I'm going on an exercise kick in the new year as well - it's too cold at the moment!

Best of luck.

[malinkey]

Thank you.

What happened in your situation by the way? How long were you stuck in a half done up house with your ex?

[SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets]

Oh - my god. Erm. Where to start?

Long story short. We were together 4 years, were engaged, planning wedding, had bought a house and were doing it up. Then various things clicked into place - emotionally, financially, in all senses really - and I realised that I loved him but I wasn't in love with him.

We only had to live together for another 6 weeks in a house that was a building site downstairs.

He trashed the house when he left. And then I discovered he'd nicked over £10k from me (I still have the bailiffs turn up demanding cash) and...

well. It took me over 2 years to recover and finish doing up the house. He left me with a crap credit rating, a lot out of pocket, with major trust issues and a need to be in financial control at all times!

My new DP is lovely though and he's moving in shortly which is a huge step for me and a very positive thing to look forward to.

Sorry, that was probably a longer answer than you were looking for!

[malinkey]

Oh dear, you poor thing. Guess you didn't have to wonder whether you'd made the right decision after he did that! Exciting about your new DP moving in - hope it all goes well.

H has now started muttering about being on his own at christmas because his parents are stuck in the snow and might not be able to get here. I have already changed my plans to take DS away with me because ex wanted to be here. Think he's probably building up to trying to make me change my plans again. But there is no way on earth I am spending christmas with him. Sigh.

[SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets]

No, not at all - I thank my lucky stars I didn't marry him or have children - a close shave.

I just have to figure out how to tell my parents about my new DP moving in, they're so overprotective of me as a result of all that happened it's quite liable to start a barney, even though they really like him!

Stand firm, do your own thing, he's a grown up and if you are breaking up you are not responsible for him - he'll have to get used to it sometime, don't let him manipulate you into it. (Says the woman who's mother very neatly manipulated her and DP into doing what she wants on Boxing Day GRR!)

So easy to dole out the advice, less easy to take it...

So, come on, what's your first week's worth of treats to yourself going to be? I might plan the same!

[malinkey]

I know, I find it so much easier to give advice than to take it!

First week's treats might have to wait until after christmas as we are going to my mothers for a few days and there won't be a lot of options there. But saying that I might be allowed a lie in or two which will be the best treat I could have at the moment. And also I will be cooked for so that's quite a treat. Although saying that, my mother isn't exactly the best cook in the world so sometimes it's Russian roulette with the food poisoning!

When we get back - if ex is around to look after DS I will plan a cinema trip as I love going and don't get the option very often. A trip to see my sister. Hot bath. Maybe a thai takeaway. Is that enough?!

How about you?

[SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets]

Ditto with the after Christmas thing.

Pleased to hear you have a nice sounding break coming up.

I guess, starting swimming again, starting yoga again, making time for a hot bath, going for a walk on the weekends, just chilling out with the paper for half an hour - oooh, taking the time to do my nails! Cinema sounds good too.

Wish I was going out with friends tonight to see Harry Potter. Instead, I'm going for dinner with my ex boss so I can get all the gossip (and have dinner bought for me!)

Have a good evening - let me know how you get on - and don't give in!

[BreakFree]

I feel for you. I am stuck in a pretty intolerable situation with a man i hugely resent for the abusiveness he has shown me over the past few years. Stuck with it until I can basically get him to leave though and slowly feel like I'm cracking up. Today especially finding it hard. A few days from Christmas and still so much to do. Everything he does irritates me and the depression over the situation is taking over. I find myself away in what-if-if-only dreamland half the time.

[malinkey]

Poor you breakfree. Have you told him you want him to leave? What's your situation with your house? Do you own/rent?

The only thing in my favour is that we are both in debt (another long story!) so we have to sell up - which makes my life easier in the long run - if we can sell of course! Can't bear to contemplate what happens if we can't.

Yes, I know what you mean about everything irritating you. I keep getting poor me comments about how awful his life is. Or a pitiful look if I haven't made him dinner. Drives me crackers.

Are you spending christmas together or can you get away for a few days?

[deludedfool]

I am in the same situation. Tried to get him to leave; he won't.

[deludedfool]

And he is divorcing me.

[BreakFree]

No stuck here for Christmas. What annoys me the most is all the little favours he wants me to do. will you ring this person for me, will you do that for me. While I've already been on my feet all day and I'm ill at the same tiem. trying to keep the peace for the kids but I feel like turning around and telling him to F but of course that would start world war 5349 or there about.
I'm not married to him. Thank fully.

[malinkey]

Sorry to hear you're both in the same situation. At least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as my H knows it's over. I hope you can both sort out your situations.

deluded - if he is divorcing you why won't he leave? Have you had any legal advice about it? Could you leave? Or isn't that an option?

Breakfree - have you told him you want to separate?

[deludedfool]

malinkey - no, he refuses, because this time he wants to make sure it's finished for good/house/finances/marriage - and, he pays the bills, so why the hell should he, he says.(He left me a few years ago and came back. Had legal advice. He's not bothered. He's not finding this hard.

[malinkey]

What a nightmare. Could you go and stay somewhere else for a while just so you can get a break from him?

[deludedfool]

As he said, the other day - 'I don't give a f... about you.' (plus much more).

[deludedfool]

As you can see I am very angry this evening and nothing touches him. (OK, it never has)I had a horrible one (man) before this as well!and a first marriage before that (which I took alot of blame for). So, I tried and tried and tried..... this time. Never did know when to give up.!

[BreakFree]

I have heard the same from my D(not)P who refuses to leave.
I have asked him numerous times to leave.He feels its his house as much as mine even though we moved here on the basis it was close to DS school and I pay the rent and household bills.
He calls me names numerous time a day. I get the "I don' t give a f..about you" as well but he still won't go. He has no where to go anyway because everyone dislikes him. He is always likeable at first until someone does something to irritate his perfect idea of how a person should be. Then they soon find out how ignorant and cutting he can be. Try living with that 24/7. The other night I was called an ugly scrawny c--t because i wouldn't allow him to keep ranting on about my family and my friends.

I am really angry too. I've also a previously bad relationship but also a previously fantastic but brief one that ended due to the guy not feeling he was ready for commitmenta at the time but we remained very good friends for 10years on and off on account of DP's jealousy. Funnily enough years of his possessiveness control and abuse has finally driven me to falling for this other man again. I'm not having a physical affair or anything but I most certainly am having some sort of emotional one.I know for a fact how this other man feels for me too and I can't stop thinking about him. Though nothing will happen he has been a lifeline to speak to and he keeps me feeling there is light at the end of the tunnel. I care for this man so well and I miss him so much and am disgusted with how much P has done to detatch me from all of my close friends.I used to have so many.
I hope you don't think I'm awful for contacting this other man.I've opened up to my sister and she understood why I've done that. Its just as the abuse worsened my yearning to be loved and cared about properly increased. If I could I would jump on the next train, not to get into a relationship with this other guy but just to spend some time with someone I know I get on with and enjoy the company of mutually and I can hug and mess about like big kids without him expecting it to be for sex or his entitlement. I so miss not walking on eggshells. I miss fun and laughter with people without worrying about saying the wrong thing or inadvertently making him angry
I am so sick of being used.
Sorry for the absolute crap talk and thread hijack. My head is so messed up right now. I'd give anything for a night out back as the old me and I just can't believe what this has all done to me to my kids and to everyone else I love.Praying for the strength to be able to get him out.

[malinkey]

Breakfree - if you're paying the rent and household bills I don't think he has any right to stay there if you want him out - no matter what he thinks. Have you had advice from CAB or solicitor?

Also have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Really sounds like you're in a stronger position than you believe - or he is telling you.

[BreakFree]

I need to speak to the council i think its a council leased house. I don't know all seems quite complicated. Only this morning I've been berated for askin him to take DS to school as I am ill. You would think I'd asked him to climb everest. then he rants and raves and insults me and belittles and makes me out to be this abusing woman towards him and his sore substitute here whichever bodypart of the week he decides is a good competitor yet he is well able to abandon me while I was in bits yesterday to go off into the city on a leisurely trip to meet friends while I was stuck to the sofa weak as a pup. Just been told this morning *in front of kids I can also "shove the xmas present i bought him" up my ass.
I swear I will end up killing him at this rate.
There's only so much belittling and ranting at I can take. and a few years is a long time to be listening to it daily. hoping it will change but it never does.
Feel sick thinking about it.

[malinkey]

Really, just phone Women's Aid. You don't have to put up with his abuse and nor should your children in your house.