Husband has decided to leave after Christmas

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

I'm fucking angry more than anything... And no point in namechanging really!
He has been 'off' for a few days, so I pinned him down and asked what was up. Lengthy silence. Not a good one. "I cheated on you earlier this year". Ok, not good, but I wasn't screaming. And more kept coming out, while he sat there with his head hanging like a naughty schoolboy.
He's never felt 'settled'.
He hoped getting married would make him stop looking around (together 6yrs, married a year and a half).
He's only had full sex with that one girl that one time but has 'come close' another time with someone else.
I got the "You deserve better" line.
Then the real fun started when I asked him who he had been confiding in about it. i knew it even before he opened his mouth- "Donna"
The girl he swore up and down he was just mates with, she's one of the lads, nothing going on I swear. It turns out they have been discussing MY FUCKING MARRIAGE for weeks.
"Do you want to be with her?"
"No"
"Do you want to be with her?"
"Um.
Yes."
They had apparently, according to him, revealed to one another that they liked each other but that- how noble of them- they wouldn't do anything about it. Now he has said he wants to stay until after Christmas then leave. He first said he doesn't want to be with anyone, then after the third time I asked him, he admitted he wants to be with her. I don't think she knows this but they have certainly discussed their feelings for each other.
I am currently still in an icy ball of rage and disgust. If he had simply said about the old infidelity and the "I can't stop my roving eye" I'd have stayed friendly and been rational while we split, but as soon as he said the name Donna I wanted to slap him until he bled. How fucking dare he lie to my face about her. I was comforting her at my sister's birthday party a couple of weeks ago because Donna's ex turned up with a new girlfriend. I fucking sat with her as she wept and now she's been my husband's sounding board for his doubts about me. We have two DDs and I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to play this after Christmas, or through Christmas for that matter.
I told him that it was the worst thing he could have done. He has not seen me cry, he has seen me be coldly furious.
To round it all off my dad, sister and her bf are coming over for Christmas day. How can I not tell my sister that her mate has been organising the breakup of my marriage?
How do I not go into the place she works and lamp her?
How do I be the bigger person and not ruin her day to day existence? (she works at my old workplace where the boss and the assistant manager are good friends of mine- I was there for over six years).
How do I keep the family running while not wanting to even look at him? The kids will notice that we're not speaking, but if I'm all smiles he will start to normalise and rationalise his behaviour.
I'm a big girl, but my girls are not.
I could fucking mangle him.

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

Strangely I can deal with him not wanting to be with me. It hurts, but it'll heal. It will stick in my craw a fucking lot more if he gets together with her. They will both lose friends- my sister holds most of the social gatherings at her house and I'm pretty sure she won't want them there playing happy families while my girls are here without their dad. DD1 is 9 and we met just before her third birthday. He is the only dad she has ever known, and she is hard work as it is. When he leaves she will be devastated. DD2 is four and has had her daddy here her whole life.

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

Can I bump for advice on how to stay cool and not go in fists flying please :(

[Doha]

Sorry to hell with being the bigger person. Donna and your DH has screwed you over big time -both equally to blame.
I would have no hesitation of destroying their little set up and let your friends know just what she is done.
Tell your sister that her friend has helped destroy your marriage.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned---l may be totally in the minority but l would seek vengance big time

Don't know how to play xmas tho but l certainly wouldn't be acting normally around him

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

I want to tell EVERYBODY. NOW. But then my dad would want to beat the shit out of him. And I want my DDs to have a good Christmas because this shitball is heading their way after.

[NoNamesNoPackDrill]

Don't let him choose when he leaves. He is a cheat and a liar and he has forfeited the right to enjoy Christmas with you and the DC.

Tell him he has to get out now and you dont want to talk to him until next year. And let him know you will be visiting a solicitor as soon as possible to start the divorce.

That will either shock him back to his senses or give him a rude awakening as to how life with Donna is going to be.

Use the anger to get him out and let him think it over somewhere lonely and cold!

Oh and sorry for what he has done to you. You sound like a nice person who doesnt deserve this.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

I'd for one tell him if he has shagged someone else he can kiss goodbye to Christmas.

I'd be straight on the phone to my sis if that was me, I'd be blowing them sky bloody high out of the water.

Go public, everyone will be on your side and treat him like the shit he is for doing this to you at christmas.

Tell him to sling his hook. Oh and get yourself tested.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

so sorry for your nanny!

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

sorry YOU not your...

[Loshad]

hugs, and loads of sympathy - he's a prizenob.
no idea how you stay relatively calm over christmas if he's around.

[ChippingIn]

This is what I would do:


Tell him to pack a bag and fuck right off now. He may go to Donna's - but the thing is, if he does, he would have anyway.

Tell the girls he has had to go away for work - even if he's never done this before they will believe you if you deliver it with enough conviction.

Have Christmas as planned - just tell him that he is not welcome unless he wants a pasting off of your Dad & Sister. Tell the girls that he has to work but he will be home for the day on boxing day but has to go back to work again that night.

You go out for the day on Boxing Day.

Tell your Dad, Sis & everyone else that they are not to talk about this until you have told the girls after Christmas.

Tell him that he will pretend to be away working and that everything is OK until you are ready to tell the girls - if he likes his kneecaps where they are.

I'm really sorry for you and the girls :( x

[Mypombearisveryold]

I have always told my husband that if there was anybody else he would never see me again. It's the worst thing you can do to him. He will never know. As for Christmas, you could cook his turkey he could eat it and joke around with your dad and sister and then text Donna, or just completely fuck off to be with her. Don't give him the power.

In my very immature childish point of view.

Good luck to you and hoo on your dp and Donna.

Maybe make him be there when you tell the dds.

And then never see him again.

[MeowyChristmasEveryone]

I like everything that Chipping said.

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

Thing is, I would rather have him here for Christmas day for the kids; they will be bewildered if he's not here. I think I'll let him stay till the kids go to bed then tell him to leave.

[ChippingIn]

Well if that's what you want then that's all that matters. However, you have a couple of fall back suggestions if by then you have changed your mind. You must let him know he is being tolerated for the girls sake - not because what he has done is 'ok' and that he will be leaving so best he finds somewhere to go.

I hope he's not in your bed.

[beijingaling]

3rd Chippings post. Right now you owe him absolutely nothing. Pack his bags if he is at work tomorrow and have a taxi drop them off to his workplace.

Your girls will gain nothing from having him there for Christmas this year.

Call your sis and tell your family. You need there support and practical advice/planning skills.

GET THEE TO A SOLICITOR.

Very sorry that you have to go through this. Best of luck and keep your chin up.

[beijingaling]

sorry... xpost. If you can honestly pretend then by all means have him stay for Christmas. If you can't then they will be confused and upset at the tension. They could also be confused thinking that everything was fine then they went to bed and dad left.

I would probably play the "Dad has to work" line.

[browneyesblue]

I wish I had a simple answer for you :( You sound like you've been handling things amazingly well so far. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you - just remember that what you do now/next may be the most important lesson that your DDs learn about how they should expect to be treated in a relationship. You sound like you've managed to maintain your dignity brilliantly, which makes you an excellent role model, so don't let your husband take that from you.

He has behaved in a terrible manner, and is obviously far from being a man. Clearly, he has conned this mug Donna into thinking that she can save him. She sounds just as bad as him, so bad luck to them both, I say. Whatever they have is just words, nothing real. It is sure to collapse when faced with the cold light of real life.

I know you said you're feeling icy now, but do you really think that will last through Christmas day? If you don't think you can keep up the pretense, or if you don't want to (which is just as important), then you should take action sooner rather than later.

The only real advice I can offer is to start doing things on your own terms. He says he wants to leave after Christmas - when would you like him to leave?

I don't see that there is much to be lost by confiding in your sister now though, unless you think she'll tell your dad before you are ready for him to know. You need RL support.

[singingcat]

Hang on... the girls will be completely disoriented if he's not there for Christmas. 'Going away for work' will really not cut it, they will see straight through it. Yes you will hurt him by banning him from Christmas, which may be what you want, but you will hurt them too. Speaking from experience, please don't make xmas shit for them forever. In a week xmas will be over and forgotten. Can it not wait one week?


and I'm a bit confused - is it Donna he had sex with or has he 'just' been talking to her about having had sex with someone else?

Do you know the timescale of everything?

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

I sent my sister a text with the bare bones in it, but she won't get it until morning because she's in bed by now. I want Donna to be ostracised and reviled, I want her to ring a bell while she walks the streets so everyone can jeer and throw fruit. preferably melons.
I want my husband to grow a fucking spine. This is my children's future, for the rest of their lives, not just something they'll forget by January. Fucker.

[beijingaling]

melons

Can you imagine having him in your bed for the next 5 odd days though? Or will you put him on the sofa or spare room?

Remember... it is as much his fault as Donnas. He deserves the bell and melons too!

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

He will be here for Christmas Singingcat. I want him here for them, not for me. It will be too strange for them if daddy is not here for presents and dinner.
He says he has not even kissed Donna- but they have discussed it. they have considered how it would be if he were single. She told him she would be interested if he were single. In my eyes that's a fuckload more of a betrayal than him fucking an old schoolmate because he was in the area (even though that is so sleazy it boggles the mind! Yes that's what he did a few months ago)

[nannynobblystockingnobs]

He has the bed tonight but he will have the sofa until kicking out time. Maybe. The sofa is comfy and theres the laptop and tv.