Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I date

8 replies

jasminejay · 21/12/2010 08:59

I have been married for a long time and seperated for 1 year. My ex has found happiness with someone and I would like to do the same.My problem is dating , I have met a few really nice men but I have trouble getting past the friends stage. To some extent I have always had this difficulty ,once in a relationship I am fine but I have found now that guys either want just friendship or a full-blown relationship from date 1. Has anyone else found this and do you have any advice? I am 49 and yes in the fullness of time would welcome a relationship , BUT I need the time first to get to know a guy.

OP posts:

Report

BooBooGlass · 21/12/2010 09:04

I don't see the problem with the way you've been approaching things tbh.I too need the time to get to know someone before actually being in a relationship with them. Anyone who wants a full blown relationship after 1 date is to be avoided really.
How many dates have you been on, and where are you meeting them? How long are you giving it before deciding they're just friends? I met my dp about 10 weeks ago, and have only decided in the last 3 or 4 weeks that he is someone I'm happy to be in a relationship with. That initial period should be about getting to know each other, so you enter a relationship as a conscious decision, rather than just falling into a relationship with whoever comes along, which is what so many of my friends have done, with disasterous consequences for many.

Report

deepheat · 21/12/2010 09:07

I have a friend in a very similar situation to you OP, who has had the same problem.

Tbh though, I wouldn't ask the question 'how do I date?' There are a million books out there, a million people waiting with failsafe advice and a million tips online but the bottom line is that everybody is different and what works for one person won't work for another.

So, I have no dating advice. But from chatting to my friend, the one thing I realised was that the bigger issue was her self esteem rather than 'dating' per se. Once she felt really good about herself then it didn't matter if blokes didn't want the same things as her because she recognised that she didn't need a relationship. She was able to be comfortable on 'dates' because she knew that she would feel OK if nothing came of it, simply because she was happy in her own skin. It meant that she could be patient.

The dating advice offered from so many places can give the impression that if you do x, y and z then you'll find your man. Sadly, its just not true. If you make sure you're happy with yourself then you won't worry about how long it takes to find someone and if/when you finally do find someone you want to take things further with then it is far more likely to be a healthy relationship. Always better to get into a relationship because of your feelings for the other person rather than because of your own needs. Good luck.

Report

BooBooGlass · 21/12/2010 09:07

Also, are you sure that you are ready to be dating? It took me more than 2 years before I was ready. Have you started the ball rolling on the divorce? That might be a factor in some men prefering not to get involved yet.

Report

deepheat · 21/12/2010 09:08

P.S. My friend still doesn't have a partner, but is as happy as she has been in years because she knows she doesn't need one. Doesn't stop her looking though.

Report

BooBooGlass · 21/12/2010 09:09

And deepheat is spot on. It's all about self esteem. I got myself to the place where I was actually comfortable with myself. If you think you're fabulous, you don't let others treat you badly, and you don't need other people to validate you. I call it the mojo effect

Report

jasminejay · 22/12/2010 18:30

Thanks for that guys there are elements of truth running through most of what you say and I hear you. Where do I meet guys? pretty much anywhere,the last guy I met was in a restuarant , we were both alone and decided to share a table.He was nice company for the time but I didnt read anything more in to it especially as we didnt have much common ground, but was surprised when he asked to see me again.....and no I didnt flirt with him.As to divorce ,as neither of us wants to marry again or have more children we have decided its not an issue for us . I do explain this if the question arises and my oldmans girlfriend understands this too.We are still friends and dont see the need to be over dramatic, we didnt part because of infidelity so there is no jealousy.

OP posts:

Report

CheerfulV · 22/12/2010 18:35

Personally, speaking from bitter experience, I wouldn't date anyone who was separated but not divorced, because there's always a real possibility otherwise that both parties may decide to reconcile. Perhaps some men feel similarly?

I think deepheat is spot on as well, some excellent advice there.

Report

jasminejay · 23/12/2010 09:06

Thanks for that. I am wife no.3 for my ex and I can understand your concerns.For myself I like my ex but no longer love him, there will be no reconciliation.
I understand that for a number of partners the love is still there on some level but we are all individuals and all have different reasons for marrying in the first place.