Just a bit fed up and confused.

[pfftpfftpfft]

First post, young/new wife, so really I'm posting bceuase I really lack the life experience to guide me here. Family is all in other areas of the country/out of contact, and friends likewise, or are my DH's. So, here it is.

I really don't fancy my husband. Really. We have been together about 5 years, married for just over one. He has a shit job he always moans about, as if it is really below him (which I agree, it is) yet he has not landed a 'better' job.

He works evenings, and has done for four years, with the promise of getting a day job. He did have one once, but left because he didn't get on with the manager. Since then it's been hurdles such as 'Oh I need to do/revise/apply for x before a job...'.
I am a bit fed up of this, and am very lonely in the evenings. I see him one weeknight and one weekend night/day a week. In contrast, I trained quickly and was very determined to be successful regardless of my relationship (I knew I wanted a career of my own just in case... lots of family divorces have left family women very poor-off.) I now have a permenant full time job that pays well for someone of my age. (24)

Our sex life struggles. I used to be a real go-er, but I find it hard to 'really' enjoy it every time unless I am in quite a mental fantasy, which is hard when your partner finds that frustrating. He can be a bit clumsy, which irks me. I also don't mind men or women, and I think this bothers him. Why I'm not sure - as we are married! It's also hard to 'perform' on one of two set nights in a week. Kills the romance somewhat.

I feel really 'meh' towards him, he wears awful clothes (always has, but now he won't let me buy proper fitting ones anymore - finances) I cut his hair... (ugh), I really think 'yes!' when he's off to work because I'm on my own, and I'm starting to really prefer it to his company.

He's so awkward - wants to be the bread winning man, but realised he isn't to many tears despite him running the budget for the last year. (Significant income differences). I don't know how he hadn't seen it before.

Worst thing - I fancy the pants off of a colleague. Will never go there as I'm quite old fashioned about cheating/affairs, but it highlights how little I feel for DH.

Divorce? I need life experience - is this really the be all and end all? Will he mature with time? He is trying to get a better day job, we can't change the past - wish he had got into action sooner.

Any ideas... just needed to vent. I know I sound like a bitch but it's very lonley here in the evenings with no-one to let steam off with. x

[shinyblackgrape]

Oh gosh - why did you marry him?

Presumably he had some redeeming features?

If not, then divorce?

[hairyfairylights]

Having lived and learned I'd say the relationship is over. Without the sexual spark and with the resentment you need to consider whether or not you feel counselling would help, whether you want to stay with him for the rest of your life, and whether or not you can "setle" for a man you don't fancy . Don't waste too much time investing if you truly believe it can't improve.

[pfftpfftpfft]

Christ I know - I only have myself to blame. He was and still is hilarious, sweet, kind, doting, caring. A bit of a clown, very 'traditional' in relationship beliefs. I am young and stupid it seems. D:

[hairyfairylights]

If sex is a "performance" then there's something very very wrong.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

It sounds like you've outgrown him. Do you have children? If not, I would suggest cutting your losses and getting out now. If there are children, it might be worth considering Relate or somesuch, which may at least enable you to part in the kindest possible way.

[pfftpfftpfft]

These are the kinds of terrible things I need to hear. He would be wonderful as a dad, and a wonderful husband - I don't think I make the best wife for him tbh, don't want to keep him if he could be wonderful elsewhere. He is amazing, just a bit bland for me. Or am I bored and in need of some effort? I should make more effort tbh, he has low confidence in the sack.

[pfftpfftpfft]

No kids, just married early. Since Uni I've been go go go in setting up experience/jobs/training etc for myself, whilst he has always waited to see what developed for me and how that would affect us. It never really affected us - have always been able to commute to oppurtunities I sought out,

[pfftpfftpfft]

Thank you Stuffng by the way... out growing rings true.

[lagrandissima]

WRT what you say about him making a great dad - don't make the mistake of thinking that kids is what you need to improve the relationship. If this is what you really feel, it sounds like counselling or a (hopefully amicable) separation is what you may need.

IMHO you should be saying all this to your OH, not here.

[omaoma]

what you have lost is respect for your husband, and any real point of contact with him - the latter i would say due to the dearth of time you spend together. It's unsurprising you feel like he is a stranger.

you recognise that he is feeling lost and low for not conforming to 'accepted' gender stereotypes as a 'strong man' - might these stereotypes actually mean more to you than you care to admit? altho you are apparently happy to be go-getting and successful, do you really want a man who can be dominant in the relationship? you seem to equate respect with material goods - ie if he dressed better and earned more he would rise in your estimation. which seems a bit harsh. many women would shudder to be subjected to that kind of criticism by a partner, if they were having a hard time with their job and struggling... is part of your criticism of him something to do with him not living up to your 'fantasy' partner? this is not really a realistic way to judge somebody.

it may be that this relationship is over but you owe it to him to attempt to try and restart a connection, even if it's only in order to end it in an ethical way, ie not because 'you're having a hard time, you've let yourself go and frankly i want somebody who can earn more'...

[pfftpfftpfft]

You've probably got it there Omaoma. They do mean a lot to me (these stereotypes), he says they matter to him to in similar conversations we've had in the past, but the job situation was frustrating because there was always a step he designed, a step her had to oversome before taking the plunge into applications. I don't know what my fantasy partner looks like, but I'd want to spend time with them and fool around with them. I don't feel too attracted to my DH even though he's much the same as he ever was physically, in fact he does look better than our earlier years. It's all a bit frustrating. He is very cute, but... I'm not sure.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Funnily enough, your story reminds me of a DP I had at Uni - lovely bloke, we were madly in love for about a year, and then I basically outgrew him and decided I didn;'t want to be his mother/support system. It happens - people change, particularly in their early 20s, and what was once endearing becomes maddening.
Thing is, it's not wicked or awful to realise that a relationship has run its course and to bail out of it. It's much much better to do so before you have DC together.

[pfftpfftpfft]

'he had to overcome' sorry.

[pfftpfftpfft]

yeah... I have 'delayed' DC for a few years! He wanted them within the next three years but I'm happy to wait. There is so much I could do - I could go abroad and work overseas, but that would screw him up job wise. I feel quite restrained. He is wonderful. If I imagine leaving him, I can imagine him being an amazing husband in the future. Just not right now... it's almost like her wanted his dad's life to fall into his lap. Job, wife, kids, house, check check check. Like there is a list he wants, and it frustrates him he can't get all of those things done (despite my help). For instance, he has mentioned how we won't get a house unless a grandparent of his dies... I'm of the mind that we can earn it ourselves - I hate the idea of leeching off of dead relatives! Very odd.