What to do..?

[WitzEnd1]

I don't think I can stand my situation much longer, but I feel trapped, very trapped. Since being with him Ive developed a problem with alcohol. I still work, look after the kids etc I dont drink during the day ever.
In turns I love my DH and he loves me, as long as I'm a good, compliant girl.
If I try to ask him to say do housework, he gets charmingly avoidant, then gets really stubborn, making me feel like his mother. 99% he wins I guess.
If I ask him about things that he does not want to discuss and I bravely persist, he gets angry. He has this angry display thing, where he shouts, screams, bangs/slams things about, sometimes breaks things. I back off.
As well as the overt physical threat through the violent displays, is the back burner threat that I drink and he can use that against me. Both always leave me cowed, feeling useless and helpless.
Sorry if this is self pitying crap, dont know why I wrote this really, cant see anyway out

[BringOnTheGoat]

Get some help for your drinking - some counselling maybe. Get your self-esteen higher, then address the issues. If he refuses, take your, new more confident, self off somewhere else.

[MyBrilliantCareer]

Why do you feel trapped? Is there any situation that would make it impossible to leave this man?

What do you love about him?

[humanheart]

you are in an abusive/controlling relationship witzend. have a look at the Womens Aid website and/or give them a call - they are very supportive and give excellent advice. do you have kids? in my extensive experience with victims of domestic abuse (one myself once, never hit) the abuser doesn't change, actually the abuse gets worse as you slowly unravel. The screaming/breaking things is classic intimidation, very frightening, and sends the message "if you don't behave, you're next". It is also common for the abused partner to develop an addiction, most often booze or an eating disorder, or both (this is what I have observed myself, not official data). The way he is controlling you is very real though invisible if that makes sense. Controlling abusers are often very charming in public (everyone adores him, thinks he's wonderful - so did you when you met him, couldn't believe your luck, man of your dreams). I have met many, many victims of domestic, most of them never been hit by their abusive/controlling partner - the stories are always basically the same. Yours is classic I'm afraid. I'm sorry

[humanheart]

sorry, just saw you do have kids. that makes things harder ie harder to leave. but leave you must i'm afraid - abusive controllers reduce you to a quivering pulp. do the kids see/hear him kicking off? When you are in the grip of a relationship like this you feel you can't leave but you can and many have who thought they couldn't possibly do it. make sure you look at the Womens Aid website - you will read about your relationship and that in itself is hard, though liberating. btw he probably uses your drink problem to emotionally blackmail you - he knows the guilt and shame you feel about it, which is a perfect hook for someone who wants to control your mind.

[WitzEnd1]

Thanks HH, yep I think your right. I've tried and tried to make it work, but it's drowning me. We've been to counselling and relate. He does this puppy thing and cries, making me feel like shit.
I remember the relate cousellor saying she saw me as quiet and that all our problems were all about him.
The trap is a need to stop drinking to end the relationship but can't stop (or havnt been able to so far) whilst I'm in it. I actually own the place we live in so cant leave easily.
I'm afraid my ending/leaving would cause him to flip and something nasty would happen, Im especially afraid for my DC.
My family know whats been happening as have a few friends. They want me to leave/end it, especially after he injured me over a year ago. That hasnt happened since.
We recently had a rare argument about money (since being in the relationship ive taken on a lot of debt) I asked him what he spent his money on, he shouted it was none of my business.
I own the house, the car, do all the driving, shopping, carrying him about, paid 80-90% nursery fees, buy 90% of DC's clothes etc etc but what he does with his money is none of my biz? He earns about £700 a month more than me.
When we make up he's so charming, tells me how much he loves me, how much I mean to him etc...that's started to wear thin though. These days Im like an automaton saying "I love you too"
I think some things wrong with him...I so fear the ending of this would result in some ones death either ours or his.

[LoveMyGirls]

I would firstly see a solicitor to find out where I stand legally/ finacially.

Then I would ask him to leave but I would do it while the dcs were being looking after by someone else or even pack his bags, arrange for him to have somewhere to go (a friends or a parents) tell him it's just a temporary thing, you just need a few days then extend it until it's been a few weeks and then tell him it's permanent. you could even ask if someone will be there when you tell him, maybe a family member or friend or the police if you think it will get nasty.

I wish you all the best. It is hard to get out especially when you are scared of what will happen. But once he has gone the fog will lift and you will be able to see more clearly.

[humanheart]

I wish I could agree with you LMG! I so wish I could. what you are describing is a disentanglement from a normal guy in normal circumstances; which may be tricky but if you are resolute, respectful and organised you can pull it off. NOT SO with a controlling abuser: the decision to leave and informing him of it is an extremely dangerous time and needs to be very carefully planned.

Your words witzend re: I so fear the ending of this would result in some ones death either ours or his. is telling and extremely worrying: I also instinctively knew that I was on dangerous ground if I tried to leave. Please don't ignore your instincts on this and kid yourself that you're overreacting - you are not!

I've had a look at the Womens Aid website (have't looked for some years) and found it a bit opaque. however, there is a checklist on the site of how to plan leaving (intact!) and an acknowledgement that the leaving point is potentially the most dangerous time. It may seem cruel (in normal circumstances) to leave suddenly, following through a careful plan, but in this instance it is essential: also to not tell him where you live. You know in your heart that he is dangerous and you feel threatened for your life (and your dc's): please stick with that. don't be swayed if he turns on the charm - though I am so glad to hear it is wearing thin for you ie you are beginning to see how empty and manipulative it is.

I would also suggest you look at codependency as the things you describe look like you may have a problem with codependency (as have I - which goes a long way to explaining how we ended up with controlling men).

It is hard to leave a marriage (all that hope! ) but deal with the grief when you and your dc are on safe ground: in the meantime, think of your physical safety first and foremost, the absolute top priority.

sorry to sound so urgent but I know the statistics and know how women in your situation find it hard to believe they could be one of them

[humanheart]

btw I think the drinking is a red herring ie the issues you feel around it. does part of you think the drinking is the central problem between you? ie if you could stop drinking all would be well? I think the drinking is a SYMPTOM of what is going on in your relationship.

you can deal with the drinking, getting your house back (though you may have to sell it and move eventually) and all the loose ends ONCE you are safe and the legal machine is on the road. do your research witzend and gen up on as much info as possible - it is so empowering (though don't, whatever you do, share it with him!!). controllers can paralyse you and make you think you can't do anything to help yourself - it's not true. you feel like the living dead and SO confused a lot of the time - but you're more alive and awake than you think.

[Blu]

Why do you need to stop drinking before leaving him? he undermones your self esteem, and that willmake it harder to stop drinking.

Seriously - it is in his interests that you drink - look how he uses it! And it (supposedly) gives him no end of license to behave badly.

You need to free yourself from hi,and the y guess is you wil feel so much stronger to deal with your drinking, and it may even sort itself out when you are not in the self-defeating misery of an abusive relationship.

[Blu]

I can see that freeing yourself fro him is tricky - can you attend counselling by yourself, for yourself? And I would also seek advice from Women's Aid.

[QueenMercury]

Your post mirrors my life witzend, DP is working away at the moment, back on tuesday, I phoned him earlier tonight and told not to come home, I've had enough, I doubt he will listen to me, he told me "it's because you have had a drink" WTF
I just want a normal life for me and my kids!

[GraceAwayInAManger]

This happened to me, too. Stop worrying about your drinking: it's a symptom of your relationship. However, it robs you of power - keep that in mind, it'll come in handy when you're about to open another bottle and make yourself more vulnerable :)

You will need to give up on your fantasy of a happy life with him - and put an end to the charade. I used wine to keep me 'soft' and deluded. You can navigate a middle path through the confusion and, as you break free, you will stop "needing" alcohol. The drink isn't your problem. Your marriage is. In fact, it's not a marriage, is it really?

PLEASE READ YOUR THREAD in the daytime. And post back :) You will probably feel very sad. That's the first step to safety & sanity - it's worth it, and you can do it. x

[WitzEnd1]

DH thinks everything is my fault, because I drink everything is my responsibility. How can I argue with that??
I feel everything is twisted, everything gets rested with me. It's ALL my fault.
Once I sent him a voice message asking where he was, he disappeared of out with his friends to the early hours. He sent me a foul text, saying things like F... You, stop threatening him etc. Next day I doubted myself thinking Id misjudged, maybe I had been aggressive and threatening, so I asked to hear the voice mail back. Reluctantly he gave me the phone. I listened waiting for my aggressive tirade. Instead I listened to me meekly asking where he was, its very late, when was he coming home.
This stuff really messes with your head...

I'm trapped while I drink anything, it does rob me of power, it gives him carte blanche to grind any esteem I have into the floor.

Thanks for your help x

[GraceAwayInAManger]

What you did there, with the voicemail, was brilliant. Well done: you confirmed 100% that he lies to you about yourself. Of course it messes with your head.

It's not you.
It's not the drink.
It's him.

I'm sorry, I know how horrible it is to face the truth about the man you trusted enough to marry.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

As soon as you are rid of him, you will be rid of your drink problem as well.
You say you own the house you live in - it may be possible that he can be removed from the house by the police and forbidden to return: he is abusive and you are afraid of him. WA will be able to help you here WRT legal advice and having someone with you when you tell him to leave. It may be possible that the police DV unit will send someone round to enforce the man's departure.

[Blu]

"This stuff really messes with your head."..Yup, and that's the stock in trade of emotional abuse.

You have been made to believe that it is you and your drinking that is at fault, and therefore that if you were to stop drinking your relationship would be OK, and your self esteem would come back.

He loves it that you drink, it gives him a platform for which to criticise you. If you stopped drinking (and he won't support you to stop drinking, will he? He wouldn't tell you how well you're doing, what a great person you are and how much fun and what good company you are when sober, keep alcohol out of the house while you stay off? Will he?). And if (when) you do stop drinking, he will find some other fault to lay at your door. WEight, bad housekeeping, spend too much, balh blah.

I'm right, aren't I?

Look - do both. Put in place a plan to cut down your drinking, but do it with a view to LEAVING him - and be planning that at the same time.

Seek professional help, find out about all the ways emotional abuse works so that you can recognise it, go to your GP about the drinking and ask about counselling, see if any women's organisatons in your area run 'Freedom Training' (groups of women learning to find theselves when trapped in abusive relationships.

WELL DONE re challenging him over the voicemail.

And I'm sorry to say it, but he doesn't love you. He might love the relationship, love his life in the relationship, love having a partner he can manipulate and emotionally abuse - but he doesn't love you. If he did it wouldn't be conditional on you being compliant.

[humanheart]

by the time I left my abusive husband my head was in such a mess that if he had said the sky was green and the grass blue I would have conceded that it was (whilst experiencing THE most unbelievable confusion). He twisted everything and so messed with my head I eventually lost my mind. These men (usually men but not always) are seriously sick and, as Blu says, incapable of loving anyone - only love, addicted to, get high from controlling and mentally torturing someone else. I clearly remember the moment I realised my husband didn't love me (and never had) and although it was acutely painful to face the truth, it was at the same time liberating. It was the TRUTH - and the truth has a quality to it that sets you free - and I realised the marriage was a faulty contract and that I didn't owe him anything - didn't have to try any more to fix it (like you, I tried everything). I left him soon after.

Abusers use anything you are sensitive/insecure about to grind shame into your very bones. It's not that difficult to find what someone is sensitive about and should be a healthy part of intimacy which bonds and builds trust, but for an abuser they've hit the jackpot when they find it and will never stop using it ? it is their most valuable tool.

They also often reel you in with heartbreaking stories of childhood abuse/horrific former partner (oh yeah...), blah blah blah and the implication is clear: don't do what they did to me. So you bend over backwards to show them that you really do love them and you won't hurt them like ?the others? did (that's the codependency bit) - even, that your love will save them and heal them of all that hurt. tosh actually - quite alarming tosh tbh but that's work for another day. You may have issues witzend but there is a hierarchy to the issues in your marriage and his are in a whole other league - malicious, dangerous, literally life-threatening. Get free, get safe, then face your stuff when you've thawed a bit (you won't have a choice about that tbh or you'll do it again - hook up with another abuser - which is a bummer but there's no way out except through). The thaw happens surprising quickly - even a week or two out of the abuser?s orbit (spell..) and the ties that bind begin to drop off. The trauma hangs around for a lot longer I'm sorry to say but the feeling of exquisite freedom carries you through a lot of it.

I hope you've taken Grace's advice Witzend and read your thread during the day - excellent advice. btw you said in your OP that what you had written was self-pitying crap - I hope you can see that it wasn't by a long chalk.

sorry about long post

[GraceAwayInAManger]

Wonderful post there, humanheart. I'm sorry you went through it, too.

How are you feeling, WitzEnd?

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Witzend - really hope you feel able to come back to this thread and let us help you.

Let me tell you something - if you cut-down/stop drinking he will do anything to undermine you again. I have been in a situation almost identical to yours. I gave up drinking for 2 months at his request and went on a strict diet - he bought me champagne and chocolates (nothing else) for my birthday.

He used to "use" alcohol as a reward - if I was the "good, compliant girl" he would bring home a bottle of wine for me as a "surprise". Otherwise, one small beer and he'd accuse me of saying things I hadn't said, and make up imaginary conversations that I had "forgotten". Please google "gaslighting".

EVERYTHING you have posted is horribly familiar. I have also listened to secretly recorded conversations where I have been apparently verbally abusive and aggressive. HE was shouting and ranting for 45 minutes, completely out of control, while I very quietly and repeatedly asked him to calm down.

Everytime I tried to raise issues he didn't want to discuss, he would accuse me (in front of my son and my mother) of being drunk, when I was completely sober. He also did the explosive violent anger thing, and actually hit me once, but I called the police and he was cautioned for DV.

He tried to convince me that all my family and friends thought I was a mean, aggressive and uncontrolled alcoholic. He lied all the time about things I was supposed to have said or done when pissed (after 1/2 bottle wine ). Luckily, I had the gumption to check his version of events with other people and told them what was going on. They were, without exception, appalled, and said if I WAS drinking too much too much it was because he was so bloody high maintenance and a complete head-fuck.

Oh, and I also had the "heartbreaking stories of childhood abuse/horrific former partner" stuff to contend with as well. And the puppydog act in counselling. That didn't wash BTW - counsellor recommended URGENT specialist therapy for him, which never materialised, natch.

He has NPD.

[GraceAwayInAManger]

OMG. All this time - ten long years - I have accepted that I ranted uncontrollably at X#2 (and X#1, for that matter). There is one episode I remember clearly - it was in front of a mutual friend. I got in from a night out and he greeted me with "You've been with someone else". I had I cried & he kept on goading me; I screamed a bit. He must have followed me - or, god help me, even set it up.

All the other times, I remember him snarling, shouting, throwing things - while I begged, pled and sobbed. I was usually half-drunk. He told me I was pissed & raving

Thank you so much, mrsF!
I hope you're reading this, WitzEnd ...

[humanheart]

www.womensaid.org.uk/messages.asp?topicid=3404&section=00010001000800210001

link on WA website re malignant narcissism. I think it's american (?) and the language is a bit sensationalist (you don't need to sensationalise this disorder, it's sensational enough). It took me soooooo long to find out what was wrong with him as all the usual lists/books just didn't cut it. No 17 is chillingly familiar re even deceives professionals - we saw a lot of therapists and every one was taken in by him (maybe they have more training about NPD these days?), though his behaviour when we saw them was seamlessly charming - you couldn't meet a lovelier, more fair, more honest chap. The thing about narcissists is that they are master mimics: they mimic being human (which is how they reel you in - they mimic being your soulmate, your perfect match) but there's nothing underneath - only malice.

brrr makes me feel quite wobbly just remembering it all - it was all so frightening .

[humanheart]

that link doesn't seem to have worked, but it's on the site anyway.

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Went to an old friend's wedding with him and DS and had a wonderful time. He accused me the following morning of utterly disgracing myself and totally embarassing everyone. So I texted my ruthlessly honest, best oldest friend who was staying in the same hotel. She was genuinely completely bewildered. I also discreetly asked DS if I had upset him in any way the night before. He said "No mum, it was really great to see you laughing and dancing with your friends!".

BF just said to me that he should learn how to lighten up, and left it at that. But she never spoke to him again.