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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH has left. it's my birthday and I really fucking sad

44 replies

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:03

Really that's all there is to it. He left a few days ago after a series of rows about how much he was going out. We have a 16 month DS who wakes twice at night and only wants me so I'm kind of 'stuck' in at night so I can settle him. Thsi situatiob arose through a lot of circumstances.

Anyway, he booked loads of over night boozy nights out then arranged to go to his dad's this weekend, leaving tonight, which is my birthday.

I snapped and we had a big row and he left a cpuple pf days ago because he 'needed time to think'. Only text has been to tell me he doesn't miss me, which I'm not surprised about as he's out with his fucking mates and staying with single friends playing Xbox all evening.

I'm a SAHM but now looking for a part time job so me and the wee one have money.

Where do I go from here? We haven't taked about the legal side/contact/finances etc. We don't have any 'stuff' to argue over really, have a bit of savings. I'm fine with housing, thankfully that's not a problem but contact is a worry. As DS only wants me at night and I'm still BF I presume he can't have him over night (which is fucking brilliant for him).

Where do I go from here? No birthday text yet although I know he'll have started work so would've been up for hours.

FUCKING COCK.

OP posts:

Report

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:03

God, typos.

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GiraffeYoga · 17/12/2010 09:05

Hello
Im sorry you are in this situation.
I've no real advice but wanted to say
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

All the best

PigeonStreet · 17/12/2010 09:07

Oh mazfah, no serious advice really other than you need to prioritise yourself and your ds.
Oh and happy birthday maybe use the start of a new year in your life to have a fresh start?

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:09

Is it possible to sort out contact and maintenance informally without involving solicitors? Or is it best to go down the legal routwe? Can th CAB help?

Thank you for birthday wishes!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2010 09:16

He may well go back on any informal agreement that is drawn up.

I would therefore use legal means for both subsequent contact arrangements and maintenance.

GrimmaTheNome · 17/12/2010 09:25

I don't have any words of wisdom, but TBH he sounds terribly immature, you may be better off without him.

Have you got any friends who can come round to celebrate your birthday with you?

TheGrumpalo · 17/12/2010 09:26

Firstly Happy Birthday! Sorry it's such a shit time for you and that your ex is such a knob.

I too would advise you to go down the formal route when it comes to visitation and maintenance because i've been there and tried informal and it just didn't work. I was constantly having to tell the kids that Daddy had changed his plans so couldn't see them and the heartache was just horrible.

The CAB were a great help to me as ex left me with a load of debt etc and they helped me with everything I had to sort out financially. I went to the CSA because now it is set up I know he can't go back on it and that's until the girls are 18 so worth it for the security. (Well unless he gives up his job!)

I suppose it depends on what your ex is like but it doesn't sound like he's the type to be committed without a formal arrangement being in place.

Keep your chin up, things will get easier.

I actually ended up with more time out/support when we split because even though he only had them for a couple of hours at a time that was time I didn't have a hope in hells chance of having before.

Good luck and enjoy the rest of your birthday with your wee one.

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:29

Should I contact him or leave it until he picks up his stuff? Send him a text telling him I want to involve solicitors? I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm waiting for him to make a decision on whether he wants to stay with us or not. He just left, no talk of councilling or anything. Me and DS both had gastric flu on the morning he left and asked if one of my parents could get the day off work to look after us!

He really feels like we're not his responsibility.

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allgonebellyup · 17/12/2010 09:30

Aw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
so sorry it all sounds so shitty for you at the moment- and with xmas so close too..

IF ifs any consolation i feel miserable too, splitting with my boyf this week cos he is a miserable selfish sod and serious money problems too.

Nice of your dh to text you just to say he doesnt miss you .

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:33

I'm taking Ds to see Father Christmas this afternoon with friends and going out tomorrow evening for dinner with them but can't really have any time out to think. That's what pisses me off most, that he needs 'time to think' so has upped and left, leaving me with a waking baby on my own. I have lots of friends with babies and have quite an active 'mother and baby' social life, but it's not the same as being able to drink a bottle of wine with the girls and cry my eyes out!

He's just fine with his lie ins and support from his family. His friends take the piss out of him for being under the thumb as I asked him not to go out on ANOTHER work nigh out. He went anyway.

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PigeonStreet · 17/12/2010 09:35

I think you should start things off, you don't want him to think that you are 'waiting for him to make a decision on whether he wants to stay with us or not' I really think you should show him that you a not prepared for him to act like a twunt and then come waltzing back in if he feels like it.

I would involve solicitors if I were you, or certainly get advice etc so you know where to start.

allgonebellyup, hope your week gets better too

TheGrumpalo · 17/12/2010 09:36

I wouldn't bother sending a text to tell him about solicitors. I would just go to one and find out my rights and get them to make initial contact. That is unless you have hope of reconcilliation? Do you think this is it? Do you think he's expecting to come back when it suits him?

My ex was a complete shit to me, left me in a right mess, hardly made any contact but I have since found out that he always assumed we would get back together. Thankfully I realised I was much better off without him and it was the best thing I ever did to have a fresh start.

PaxoIsEvil · 17/12/2010 09:37

I know that this is shit, but I'm going to say something now you won't believe. He has done you a favour. It doesn't feel like it, and of course right now you feel lousy. But I can guarantee that in a year's time you will look back and realise how much happier you are not being treated like shit. Let the wanker carry on pretending he's 18. Get the legal stuff sorted. Heal your heart and know that there is better out there. You can't change him, so stop trying and look forward to your life being a thousand times better. Good luck (and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! )

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:45

Thanks all.

I think I am hoping for a reconcilliation, he is a really nice guy when he suits him but 'wants us to have our own lives'. He doesn't understand that one of us has to look after DS. I think he thought once DS turned one that things would be 'back to normal'. That we could go out, have weekends away etc. It's just not realistic. I'm just a babysitter to him.

Up until DS was 11 months and in his own room DH slept downstairs so the night wakings wouldn't wake him too

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DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 17/12/2010 09:45

do you want him?

I think he needs to know that you are not waiting for him to get his jollies out of his system, laugh about you with his mates and have them tell him what a fine jock he is for flexing his muscles at you, think about things and decide whether it suits him to come back.

He should be aware that you are thinking about whether to let him come back. Definitely I think go the legal route, he is not kind, he is not considerate, he is not loving, he is not reliable, he is not serious, so an informal agreement is going to be a waste of time. My gut feeling is right now, he thinks you are dependent on him so you will just bide your time and wait and play by his rules.

I would be strongly tempted to adjust those ideas of his.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 17/12/2010 09:48

His glee will be short lived as the novelty will wear off and he will start to miss his family. He will have a fun time for a while, but when Christmas comes around, and his mates are off with their families, he will wonder what he is doing.

Of course, you should use this time to think about what you want rather than waiting around for him to make up his mind. Do you want him back? I know you are upset and hurt now, but how is your relationship with him? Do you want to work it out? I would recommend making a decision. If you don't want to work it out, then move on. Get on without him and feel confident enough to say "piss off" when he comes crawling back, because he probably expects you to be waiting around, keeping the house ready for him so he can waltz back in when he's had his fun.

Happy birthday.

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:51

DanZZZen you're right. He knows I have a lot of friends and a busy life but also that I lack confidence at the moment and I can be clingy when he comes back from his nights out/weekends away because I know he's having more fun than being at home changing nappies and makes porridge. He's never taken DS out for more than an hour on his own. NEVER. In 16 months.

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DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 17/12/2010 09:51

yes I think he will want to come back in time but then you must be ready for him and not take him back on his terms. A lot of things would have to change.

I would seriously consider not taking him back tbh but it is your life and your marriage not mine.

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:51

making porridge.

That's not all I feed DS BTW!

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DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 17/12/2010 09:52

is he jealous of ds or just doesn't want the responsiblity?

mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:54

I am seriously considering not taking him back. We were meant to go to his mum's for Christmas and he's told her we're not so that tells me in his mind it is over. I need to start making plans that don't include him and get on with my life as if he is now not a part of it.

If we can work it out at a later date then so be it, but I can't wait for him.

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GrimmaTheNome · 17/12/2010 09:56

'wants us to have our own lives'

It all depends what he means by that. Members of a family don't wholly 'have their own lives' - you have to work together. Sure, there should be room within the relationships for each member to have some time and space of their own BUT when push comes to shove you have to be able to work together.

Does he actually want to be a husband and father, or does he just want to have a wife?

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mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:57

I think he may be a bit jealous. DS has had a lot of health problems which is why I never went back to work but they are managable now. He does want to go out with me in the evenings but doesn't understand that while he gets 8 hours of cosy sleep it's me getting up twice in the night and I just can't face going out a lot because I'm knackered. I don't make the effort he wants.

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mazfah · 17/12/2010 09:58

Grimma, I don't think he even wants a wife. I think he wants a showroom family and all the fun stuff, but then pack it all away in a box so he can 'have space'.

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GrimmaTheNome · 17/12/2010 09:58

I don't make the effort he wants.

and he doesn't make the effort you and your DS need

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