Could someone explain passive aggressive please

[domeafavour]

Thanks.
I know I could look it up but I don't have the energy!
X

[MummieHunnie]

Has somone accused you of being passive agressive ?

[FunnysInTheGarden]

being really really nice and putting loads of 's at the end of a nasty post, or convo in RL

[domeafavour]

No, not me. I've just heard it a lot recently on here and wasn't sure of the exact definition within a relationship.

[domeafavour]

Thanks

[FlightoftheCrimbleTree]

Ok seeing as you have TWO threads and are finding it hard to google

It's basically aggression disguised as passivity. Soooo....someone who never, ever gets angry, but winds everyone else up to the limit by not doing what they say they will, or losng things, or missing important dates.

For example, somene gives you their address on a piece of paper, when you hadn't asked for it, and you lose it immediately. (really you just didn't want it, but you can't confront the issue, you just have a mishap instead)

Or someone asks you where you are going, and you tell them (though really you don't want to tell them/haven't decided yet) and then go somewhere else.

It's kind of always avoiding direct conflict but screwing people over anyway, privately.

Then pretending you have no knowledge that the thing you have messed up was going to affect them.
So you've said you're going to the park with the kids, and they follow you to bring the child's coat which they forgot, but they aren't there.

It's that kind of thing. There are other elements as well.

[FlightoftheCrimbleTree]

Also classically it can manifest in infidelity. Avoiding conflict within the marriage/relationship can turn into an affair - you don't want to have an argument but don't like certain things about your partner, so instead of confronting and resolving (or not resolving) the issues, you just sock it to them in secret - meaning either it's discovered and they chuck YOU out (absolving you of the need to make a decision or upset them, directly - bit paradoxical but there you go) or they never find out but you feel gratified that you're expressing your dissatisfaction privately.

It can often go hand in hand with commitment phobia as well. Having affairs is one way of creating distance so you feel less 'trapped' iyswim.

[Snorbs]

Passive aggression is trying to get your own way and/or make your feelings known by trying to make someone else feel guilty.

Martyrdom - those people who will volunteer to do loads of things then huff and puff and whine about how busy they are and how no-one ever helps out - is classic passive-aggressive behaviour.

Sulking is also passive-aggressive. If someone's annoyed and say "I'm annoyed because of x, y and z" then that's fine. If they're drifting around the house in a snit, sighing dramatically and expecting the other person to read their mind and realise what it is they've "done wrong", then that's passive aggression.

[tallulah]

Outside of a domestic relationship it includes things like making comments about people loud enough for them to hear but not directed to them (ie in shops etc). This is my mother's favourite way of dealing with situations :(

[deludedfool]

Giving a partner ongoing 'silent treatment'/stonewalling them long term. Ignoring them, on a daily basis, knowing the effect you are having on them, and purposely carrying on doing this relentlessly knowing that you are causing them to be hurt. Saying nasty things in a gentle, low, monotone voice - nasty things, but not in a loud, aggressive, angry way. Winding someone up by refusing to speak, and then, when you have a bad reaction from the other person because they have refused to acknowledge you by even saying a simple 'yes' or 'no' they say - "I just don't want arguments. You are so aggressive. You see, arguments are all your fault ......"

[deludedfool]

Sorry - because 'you' have refused to even acknowledge the other person by answering a simple question which requires a 'yes' or a 'no'; just refusing to talk, full stop, like you don't exist.

[deludedfool]

Like, the other person doesn't exist (partner).

[deludedfool]

Sorry. I meant to say - a passive aggressive person will refuse to just answer 'yes' or 'no' to a simple question, refuse to speak, and then when their partner gets wound up by an adult doing this, they are told "You see, you just make arguments"....

Maybe, it's just me.

[Bonsoir]

You need to be careful, because the term "passive aggressive" is used a lot as an insult/defence on MN but often very inaccurately.

Stating unpalatable truths politely is not passive aggressive.

[deludedfool]

Yes. And there is a difference between stating unpalatable truths politely and saying nasty, threatening things in a calm way.

[PunningClan]

The example I'd give would be my friend's mother - going to sit outside on her own to smoke for half an hour during her daughter's child's christening party in an obvious-to-everyone huff. Then when her daughter leaves her guests and all the organising/serving/running about to go to see why her mother is upset, being told "I'm not upset. I just came out for a cigarette."

[MissHellToe]

Passive Aggressive notes - genius

I saw a classic on my friend's fridge (she's flatsharing) it was 3 post-its stuck together with an essay of martyrdom on how she's always the one who washes up/hoovers/cleans bathroom, then ending with 'I'm not being grumpy . They all want to punch the offender.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Absolutely screams out for a fourth post-it saying "Oh yes you are", doesn't it?

[Bonsoir]

"And there is a difference between stating unpalatable truths politely and saying nasty, threatening things in a calm way."

Not necessarily. There is no need to match content and form.

[deludedfool]

No need to match content and form? What do you mean Bonsoir?

Maybe, I am confused, here.

[Bonsoir]

If you are angry and want to express anger, it is not necessary to shout and scream when explaining to the person with whom you are angry why that is.

If you are very hurt, it is not necessary to cry when telling the person who hurt you why.

If you want to defend yourself from your aggressors, you do not have to get your verbal knife out to do so.

Passive-aggressive is unsolicited aggression that has its roots elsewhere than in the behaviour of the recipient.

[Bonsoir]

I know a couple who are both horrifically passive-aggressive to absolutely everyone around them - each other, their children, their families, their colleagues... it's horrendous. Both of them had ghastly childhoods. Their feelings of anger towards the world at large are understandable, if very hard for everyone else to put up with and of course are doing untold damage to their DCs.

[FlightoftheCrimbleTree]

Yes when you actually tell someone you are angry, or upset, or say nasty things, that's either assertive behaviour or it's aggressive (albeit in a quiet tone)

PA behaviour does not openly state the problem or acknowledge there even is one.

The behaviour is very subversive - it gets the person the result they want without them having to say anything.

They never get angry or assertive - they just make everyone else furious.

Lateness is one example.

[FlightoftheCrimbleTree]

and although it often is, it doesn't have to be unsolicited.

It could well be the person is unhappy in the relationship but instead of attempting to sort it out like a mature adult, they just behave in a very annoying way, lie, obfuscate, procrastinate or prevaricate.

[deludedfool]

OK, so what is unsolicited?

[deludedfool]

OK. I've just looked it up on about.com divorce support and explains this behaviour in a partner. (Ticks all the boxes).