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Relationships

Practicality of leaving an alcoholic relationship

2 replies

Dummiesarethebiz · 15/12/2010 16:46

My husband is an alcoholic who has relapsed after three and a half months of being sober. He has been drunk at work twice in the last two weeks and has now been signed off with depression.

I think I am approaching the end with him as I can't do anymore. He is already seeing a councellor and has benn for 3 and a half months (who reccommended he get signed off).

What I'm trying to figure out is if I choose to leave him what are the practicalities of doing this? I'm currently on maternity leave and was intending to return in May. I earn a good salary but it wouldn't be enough to pay the mortgage and childcare. The commute is quite long too so it would be always be tight doing the drop offs and pick-ups. I don't want to factor in DH's salary. I think he may be on self-destruct mode so don't want to assume that he will have his job very long. If I leave him he will probably drink more.

I guess the other thing is how can I leave him if I think it will cause him to do something reckless that harms or kills himself.

OP posts:
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citronella · 15/12/2010 17:00

Sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

I think with alcoholism your first step is to accept that you are not responsible for your husband's drinking and you can only help so far. It is difficult not to fall into the trap of facilitating it so as not to feel like you will make life more difficult if you put your foot down. But he is an adult and will have to stand up to his own problems with professional help.
You on the other hand need to really focus on yourself and your new baby and providing a stable and secure home unit. Your child is your priority not him. He is a grown up.
You leaving might be the kick up the backside he needs.
Practically, could you find a 2 bedroom flat to rent nearer to your work?
Find out how you stand with the mortgage.
Ask all the questions re mortgage, renting & deposits, sniff out possible areas to move to, find out what childcare is available and look ahead to 3 years and primary school age to help you decide what area would suit you to live. Make lots of lists and talk to people before you tell your husband. When it comes to telling him you should have everything set up to walk.
Again your child is your priority now not him. You can't carry the responsibility for his drinking or you will make yourself ill and you and your child's lives miserable.

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bairn24 · 15/12/2010 19:50

Feel for you, but if you have a good job to go back to, you can be independent. I'm sure it will also boost your confidence to get back to your job.
The practicalities probably seem daunting - they maybe would even if everything was great at home (I remember going back to work after DD and thinking how would it ever work?). Do you think it might be good to start the ball rolling sooner rather than later so that come May things are less up in the air? You may qualify for financial help with childcare if you are the sole earner.
You can't stay with someone because they are too emotionally unstable to cope without you. You have to think of DC aswell as yourself. (Sorry if that sounds a bit unsympathetic to DH)

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