DH's envy/jealousy problem

[Gettingthere1]

Hello,
I wonder if there is anyone who would give me the benefit of their opinion, tips or advice on how to deal with this little problem?
My DH has a couple of problems dealing with my past sexual partners. Bit of an unusual one this as we have been married for 15 years, Have three great children and no hint it was an issue! We are both reasonably intelligent and DH understands that there is little we can do about the past.
As always it cropped up from an incident. I was recently contacted on Face book by an old partner and I have to admit I did not deal with it too well.
He tracked me down through my friend network as I was logged on in my married name. Within the space of 24 hrs he had sent me 5 messages which I guess was a bit OTT and was beginning to take the ?remember when we? tact which was a bit childish really.
Unfortunately when the last message came in DH was stood behind me and commented ?blimey not another one? In a bit of a panic I deleted it and then went straight into Face book and closed the account. After a week of heart pouring from DH in which he explained that the thought of me being with other chaps sexually ?spoils his day? quite frequently he explained that as far as the Face book incident went he felt threatened by it and was jealous. He would have preferred me to have stayed on the site and told the chap to sod off if he continued to be a pest rather than just disappearing.
After lots of late night /early morning chats DH explained all that troubles him, He would have loved to have been my first (sweet I know) and he has a real problem with the fact that I went on the pill for a chap once (we use condoms) I did eventually start to get a bit upset by it all which DH hates, At that point we put the matter to bed and to be fair is the last said about it for a couple of months now, None of the emotional blackmailing that you sometimes hear of.
I have to confess I am not a ?well its tough luck take me as I am or not at all? person, I do truly wish that we had the fairytale relationship and the frogs that I have kissed along the way have really done nothing for me, It was all ok but knowing that DH was coming along I would have waited and read a good book lol. Our relationship is close and sex is amazing.
I know that DH is still affected by his thoughts (he says he is envious of others rather than jealous!) just every now and again I catch him in a bit of a daze, He does not always sleep well and he goes downstairs for a cuppa in the middle of the night, and importantly lol ! Whilst we still have sex pretty frequently it defiantly takes him some time to rise to the occasion now.
My dilemma is whether to leave it well alone and hope that time will do its thing or should I attempt to tackle the jealousy/envy issues and try and boost his obviously low self esteem?
Thanks x

[Gay40]

Presumably you were his first sexual partner? Otherwise, he needs telling to grow the fuck up. Dwelling on your past partners and spoiling his day? For christ's sake. How old is he - 13?
It's not your job to build his self-esteem. After 15 years of marriage, he needs to give up with silly headgames.
BTW fairytale relationships are just that - a fairytale.

[violethill]

I assume he was either her first, or there is a pretty big disparity in their sexual experiences.

Does he feel that, to put it bluntly, you weren't too picky? Maybe that's what he feels threatened by? (I'm just going by what you say, that actually, your previous partners meant nothing to you, and that you'd happily have not had sex with them). In a way, it might be more reassuring to your DH to know that actually, you had some amazing sexual relationships before him, but that he's the most amazing of all and that's one of the reasons you're with him. Does that make sense? I just wonder whether he's picking up on some feeling that you maybe slept with men without really thinking about it?

[SleepingLion]

He sounds worryingly childish, TBH, but more worryingly, your post seems to imply that you think he has a point and he is not unreasonable to want to have been your first sexual partner.

You do realise how irrational his behaviour is, don't you? Reading your post, it sounds to me as if he has the potential to develop rather disturbing control issues (he has a real problem with the fact that you were once on the pill, before you knew each other? How is this any of his business?) The 'daze' and the not sleeping well are alarm bells for me - I think you need to suggest that he sees his GP and perhaps gets referred for counselling to deal with his obsessiveness before it gets really out of hand.

[TurkeyBASTer]

"My dilemma is whether to leave it well alone and hope that time will do its thing..."

No. You'll be waiting a long lime and things are likely to get worse rather than better.

"or should I attempt to tackle the jealousy/envy issues..."

No. These are his issues. He needs to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them and stop using them as a viable excuse to behave in a childish and marginally unhinged manner towards you.

"and try and boost his obviously low self esteem?..."

Yes. There is nothing wrong with encouraging a partner to feel good about themselves (by genuine praise, gratitude when due, compliments, etc) but this can't extend into allowing him to pass judgement on your past life and partners to make him feel good (or conversely, worse) about himself and essentially gain leverage as a means to control you.


He needs to sort himself out! I agree, GP first port of call. This is a very unhealthy obsession about himself but concerning you ...and not in a good way. How does this make you feel?

[ChippingIn]

I agree with all of the others.

You have been married 15 years - this is barking.

[Gettingthere1]

Hi,
Thanks for that so far some stuff for me to mull over as normal a great range of views lol. Really dont think I will hear any more of the issue if I wish as we are too busy !! Interestingly he is always delighted if I get chatted up when out so no great problem there ! Phew lol
Thanks

[foxtrottango]

When I met my fiance we talked about our pasts and found we had both had roughly the same number of previous partners. Not an issue. I am not in touch with anyone that I have ever been intimate with, my fiance on the other hand has remained friends with a good number, usually by facebook.

I was never a particularly jealous person but Ive never loved anyone like I love my fiance. Ive never had such a good match sexually either (sorry if tmi :)).

I find out every so often that he has had contact with one of these partners (just a chat on fb) or one will come up in conversation with mutual frends. I must admit that I get a bit preoccupied, I end up thinking about what he did with them, how he did it etc. I remember in particular I once found out he had done it with one girl multiple times in a night. Although we have a good sex life we have never done it more than twice lol. I was quite upset at this, despite the fact it was years ago when my fiance was much younger (I have done the same thing in the past). I just felt like he must have fancied her more, although I know thats rubbish, I felt a bit 'off'.

I think I get the sticky end of this as we live in his home area, Im miles from anyone I may possibly have been with and have no contact with them. I though, am constantly reminded that he has had previous partners and this may contribute to the way I feel sometimes.

It never makes me go into a 'daze' and it never ruins my day but it does irk! Im not obsessive, or controlling. We sometimes have a chat about it and then we move on. I know its silly but it doesnt cause us any problems. I dont know if its jealousy as such, more nosiness and wanting to be reassured that Im the best hes ever had (I know I am :o). It might just be because he loves you so much, he does sound like he should relax and let go of it a bit more. I have my 'moment' and move on, it never lasts longer than a few minutes! It does sound a bit odd that he reacts so extremely. Sorry this is so long but I just thought I would let you know that although mine is far less of a reaction I have similar feelings sometimes.

[Gettingthere1]

Hi FxTrotT,
Thank you for that it is really really helpful. I must confess I would like to help the old chap (he is a fair bit older)LOL We have only just started talking about past cases and we are united thankfully that what we have together is the best sexually that either of us have had phew ! I have not long found out that he had a couple of past partners do the dirty on him one with a relation !! yeuk ! Absolutely no chance of me being controlled if I thought I was then I would stomp on it, It could be said I am a little on the controlling side (blush) however DH seems happy with that lol. I think I am going to work a little on the issues he has, Perhaps the FB one first and if it goes away and stays then great it was the right decision?
Once again thank you really helpful x