Brother - at the end of my teether

[mamatomany]

Basically 25 years old, 2 kids, not with their mother any more.
Cannot seem to keep a job for more than 3 months, partly because his chosen specialism is construction so he earns good money for a short while but then the work dries up. He hasn't worked since September.
It's always through agencies. No future at all, just hand to mouth.
So he lives between my mothers and his fathers and whoever the latest girlfriend is.
We are a good 250 miles away so he doesn't want to live with us, but we have had him for 6 months during which time we paid for various exams to do his job, HSE etc, took him to get paperwork done so he got access to his kids.
Nothing ever gets seen through to completion, the children being a perfect example, he needed the ex girlfriends signature on a form, so when they were getting on he didn't bother, now they aren't getting along he has no rights at all and if she's in a bad mood he doesn't get access.
Then there's the support, when he does have money rather than pay her, he'll take the kids up town and blow £100 on toys and clothes, so the kids are ruined but their mother doesn't have the money for electric. It winds me up something rotten.
She now has moved on, is engaged, I am delighted for her, he gets moody and upset but can't see that it is good for the children to have a happy mother.
Anyway today there's another blow up between him and my mum, who phones me in tears. I have very little sympathy with her because you do reap what you sow and she was too busy at college, having her own social life when he was a teenager and now this is the result. Equally he is very difficult to guide, god knows we've tried and he knows better than anyone else, except of course he doesn't.
So the latest is that he is getting kicked out after Christmas and will be homeless.
I don't have room but of course will make room, but DH doesn't think the right thing to do is bail him out again.
If he was easy to live with and worked then mum would have him at hers.
Am just at a lost to know what the right thing to do is. I feel I could easily have ended up in his shoes had I not married DH.

[CheerfulV]

I would not take him in, because if you do so, you're enabling him. However, I know that's a hard call to make. :(

Hopefully someone with experience of this will be along soon..

[minxthemanx]

Mmm, poor your, a tricky one. My instinct, like yours would be to support bro yest again - but actually, him having to sort himself out is probably the kick up the backside he needs. Otherwise this will go on for ever. Think you need to tough this one out.

[spidookly]

It's a toughie - your DH is right that it sounds like you all run his life for him.

But my understanding is that a homeless 25 year old single man is very vulnerable to ending up on the streets.

I would not let him stay without setting out clear conditions in advance and booting him out if he didn't stick to them.

Does he respect your DH?

[perfumeditsawonderfullife]

I would not take him unless he was working, at the very least a bar job. Otherwise, as someone said, it's enabling him.

At twentyfive i think you are all the man you are going to be.

[MadeUpNameForAnonymity]

"So the latest is that he is getting kicked out after Christmas and will be homeless.
I don't have room but of course will make room, but DH doesn't think the right thing to do is bail him out again."

So you don't have room but you're willing to inconvenience the rest of your family so your waster of a brother won't have to face the consequences of his choices.

How is this a good thing, exactly?

[mamatomany]

Does he respect your DH?

No and this is another issue if you like, he was on bail for arguing in the street with the girlfriend, mother of his children, they are both as bad as each other but anyway you'd think on bail he'd be on his best behavior but no he was shouting at my mum like a 5 year old because she refused to give him a lift, he upsets her and then she finds it hard to drive with the atmosphere in the car.
Anyway after calling my mum all the names under the sun in front of my children, he then goes out into the street and holds the car door so she can't drive, shouting at mum in front of all the neighbors. DH goes out and tells him to pack it in, he doesn't. That really annoyed DH as you can imagine.
What worry's me is that his dad is in poor health and his dad is basically giving him money to live, brother won't sign on because they might tell him to get a fcking job. But what happens when his dad isn't here any more ?
Do you think he has mental health issues ? His dad was an alcoholic for about the first 10 years, very bullying and controlling but loved him so much, my mum is the opposite, really selfish never let having a 9 year old get in the way of her holidays leaving him home alone etc.
I just don't know how to help tbh.

[spidookly]

If he doesn't listen to your DH, and doesn't respect him then no, I wouldn't take him.

It's unfair on your family to bring an unpredictable, abusive waster into their home.

I don't agree that by 25 you're all the man you're ever going to be, but I do think that by 25 any changes have to come entirely from you - not your Mum, not your sister

As sad as it is, this is not your battle.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not your fight.

Would urge you not to take your brother in; its has not worked before when he has lived with others and it won't now. Your DH dislikes him for what I would consider good reason.

Enabling only gives you a false sense of control; enabling does not help him either and lets him avoid the consequences of his actions. Long term enabling by your parents have contributed to this; they are responsible here as well as he - he has a choice.

My ILs have my BIL who is now in his late 40s living under their roof and he's a bullying, unemployed waster as well. Do not make the mistakes they have made.

[mamatomany]

I know deep down, I just feel sorry for him, but he has had a chance of a nice family and blew it.

[Snorbs]

You can feel sorry for him of course. But it doesn't mean you have to do anything.

[GraceAwayInAManger]

Unsurprisingly, my sibs and I all had this issue with each other at various points. The general solution was "You can stay for 3 weeks / 6 weeks (never longer!), after that you're on your own. Use it well." I can't say we all used it 'well', but it's a clear and compassionate approach for fucked-up relatives. You have to mean it.

Sounds like he could do with a stern lecture on what the benefits sytem is for, btw. I paid approx a third of a million in whilst I was working - I'm claiming now, but am a long way off getting back what I paid! He has my permission to claim on my contributions.

Good luck!

[tb]

Also, if you have dcs, if they see him treating you and your dh without any respect, they could well start to copy treatment of you. Not something I'd think that you would want.

[Lizzabadger]

Don't take him in. He's young and fit. He can sort himself out.

[walkinginaWUKTERwonderland]

I think what Grace suggested is a good idea.

3 weeks to get sorted, so in the New Year it's a new start for him.