fed up and fuming

[MarvellousMary]

Fuming over my dp's reaction last night and this morning and soooo frustrated that it's been turned around to make it look like I'm over reacting - again.

My DP and I both work - I work part-time in the week, 30 hrs - but take in freelance work which I fit around it - moneys v v tight so we need all we can get.

I got a call yesterday about meeting up at 7.30pm to go over an urgent job. Great. But as it was dd's cub night (local) and I was due to pick her and her friend up at 7.30 I thought I'd see if dp would step in and do it instead. I tend to share the drop/pick up with a friend but didn't want to ask her to pick up as well cos she has a baby and her dp was away and I didn't want to interfere with her bedtime routine.

Anyway, I sent a nice email: 'hiya love,have to go out early tonight, a job's come through blah blah blah, you'll have to pick up and drop off dd and friend. Hope that's ok. x' DP:Hi, No it's not alright, they'll have to cancel. Me: Are you serious? DP: Yes, I would rather not have to run around all night, I've been in work all day.

I was pretty stunned but not surprised iuswim - he hates being told what to do. But his job isn't overly stressful, he never works long hours, he brings no work home with him ever. He really has no decent excuse not to help out other than couldn't be bothered. But also it was the tone of it which upset me as I'd been nice and friendly initially and couldn't see why he was being so abrubt. Luckily my friend stepped in to help. After I got home from my meeting I said I'd been really dissappointed by his response - his reply: 'I'm sure you were' - and that I was upset with him. But I just wanted to eat, unwind and sleep so didn't push it.

Then this morning he moves in for a cuddle in bed, and I say no, I'm still annoyed with you. He says, 'You know what I don't give a sht. You really area f*cking nightmare at times.' Also 'If you didn't order me to do things then maybe you'd get a better response.' I tell him to stop talking to me like that, dd was in our bed - asleep but could have heard. He says he didn't know she was there but then keeps on saying 'So when do you want to talk about it then?' over and over again when I've said we'll discuss it later - which I find quite bullying.

When we're on our own in the kitchen and I try to bring it up he tells me that I need to grow up, that he would have moved on from it by now, that I just want an argument. I told him the way he spoke to me was out of order, he denied swearing at me earlier, tells me I'm the one causing the problems.

This sort of thing is not unusual, but we've been through counselling and we've both made some positive changes. I feel so cross and kind of impotent though because it seems impossible to have any kind of rational discussion with him at times and tbh I hate him for speaking to me/treating me like that. Or is this kind of normal in relationships? Sometimes I honestly don't know what to think.

[boohoo80]

I have to say when I read your post I thought your email may have been better received by him if you had asked him to pick up rather than you will have to.

But then again as you need the money he should not have said no and if he had issues with you ordering him about put them aside until later and picked up dd letting you earn some much needed money.

[MarvellousMary]

True. And I did think shall I say 'please could you' but then I thought someone had to do it and as we are both her parents I thought he should step in. I do just about all of the sorting out the kids with regards to taking them to/picking them up from friends/parties/clubs and its quite rare I need him to step in. Also - does it justify his reaction this morning? Should I be apologising for ordering him around which is what he wants?

[warthog]

well the resentment is seething right through.

i think you will get further if you do request rather than tell and i really really do understand your frustration. but you also need to have a hard think about what you want the outcome to be:

1. to get his back up and be the martyr who works more than he does and was stymied even at that.
   

1. get him to pull his weight and both of you have a constructive attitude.
   

because this resentment is eating you up.

[pooka]

His response tovyour email was completely out of order. I would be livid if dh refused to pull hus weight wrt dealing with kids/activities. But then he wouldn't refuse.

He sounds like a pillock to me..

[Portofino]

I can kind of see both sides. He could have a bad day and he was then being committed without any discussion to picking up/dropping off a FRIEND as well as dd. And then you obviously sulked about it a bit. On the other hand he should be willing to pull his weight without making a big deal of it. And he should understand that if you have the chance to earn some cash at short notice, that he needs to be more supportive.

As needafoot puts it, TALK to each other. Don't rely on text messages and huffs.

[perfumeditsawonderfullife]

My sister has just split up with her h over similar agruments. She, however, in my opinion, is to blame for a lot of it. (not saying I blame you here, op, not atall)

She takes all work that is offered, is forever running around at night, her dh did all the ferrying around of kids, they rarely sat down together on the sofa at night and just chilled. So, he got fed up and started opening a beer and going online, playing games, nothing more. She then cracked up that he had two beers every night. He just couldn't do right for doing wrong. We all tried to advise her to slow down, take on less jobs at night, spend time with her family, that was all he wanted. She thought he should get a grip. He thought she should prioritise family time and they would get by with less money, it was only spent on frivolous treats. Divorce is going through, he has met a nice girl, sees his kids at weekends and sister is bitterly regretting it. She can't change though, she has trouble relaxing.

Your situation is different though, if you need to bring in more money for the family. I think your dh should be much more supportive, it's not like it's forever. And they are his kids!

If it is simply the wording, does he have a real problem with seemingly being 'told' what to do? It strikes me as an over reaction. Could it have been a bad day at work?

[MarvellousMary]

I'm starting to feel a bit chastened actually regarding the wording of the email but I think really I put it like that because I knew he would say no if I asked him and I kind of wanted to make it seem like his responsibility. Believe me I'd love to sit down and talk it through with him but it immediately seems to escalate into him blaming me. I try to find the right words but they're rarely the right ones and he's very logical in his reasoning. Thanks perfumed for your post, the 2 beers a night made me smile. My dp drinks practically every night - prob about 4. He feels bad about it - particularly about the money - but the habit is so ingrained he finds it hard not too. I don't give him a hard time about it though as I don't think its my place to nag him over it really and I doubt my asking him to would make him stop anyway.

Yes, he does hate being 'told' what to do. We used to argue a lot over how I said things, my tone of voice etc. It got to the stage where I was treading on eggshells - one of the reasons why we went to counselling. I have tried since to not let it affect me so much and I think our communication is a lot more open - believe it or not!

[spidookly]

There are few things more dishonest than pretending your laziness and unwillingness to do your share is some principled stand against being "told what to do".

It's not even plausible from a stroppy teenager, but from an adult and parent it is ridiculous.

If DH said to me "you'll have to do x because I have to go and do y" I would not think he was ordering me about if the tone was friendly and y was about important work.

Why are you doing so much more than he? Why is he so resentful of doing his bit?

[perfumeditsawonderfullife]

hmm, his enjoyment of a beer straight after work was probably the reason he didn't want to be doing the driving. That would bug me. He sounds like he is in a bit of a rut.

My dh used to have a couple of beers every night. All it did was make him lethargic and put him off excersise. He gave it up and really feels the benefit, plus he enjoys a drink more at the weekend for not having any in the week.

Could this be becoming a bit of a problem for your dh?

[spidookly]

In fact here's an example from earlier:

me: can you pick up the girls tomorrow so I can come home early and rest? (am recovering from op)

him: no, you'll have to pick them up tomorrow because it's my Christmas party

me: oh right, fair enough. What a pain in the arse!

him: well I could leave early and get them

me: how can you get them if you've been drinking?

him: I won't drink

me: what kind of shite Christmas party would that be? Don't mind me, I'll be fine.

[spidookly]

4 beers every night = drink problem

that's the real reason he didn't want to help out.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

this is the kind of bloke who "babysits" his own kids, right ?

[MarvellousMary]

Spid - that is exactly the kind of balanced conversation about such things that I had hoped I would have when I was all grown up with a partner, a mortgage and 2 kids! My dp would never ever suggest not drinking to help me out. Even on the night I went into labour he had a few beers (he couldn't drive then). He is aware its a problem, as am I but as it's reasonably moderate in terms of consumption and he's not progressed on to vodka over the last 10 years I think its never seemed a big enough issue to tackle.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

ah, a drink problem

explains a lot, doesn't it

[SantasENormaSnob]

He sounds like an immature, self absorbed twat.

[spidookly]

I think it was quite mean of me to even say it was was a pita about his Christmas party. It's not really, I was just feeling so tired and had planned tomorrow so I could have a big rest.

Do you know that many men stop drinking entirely from around 37 weeks in case they need to drive their wife to hospital?

I know this from MN threads, not experience. It is quite shit that he was too drunk to drive you to hospital when you were in labour.

It seems like it might be (past) time to tackle his alcohol dependence.

[boohoo80]

Apologise for "ordering" him then your back on an even playing field and go from there. Really talk about the things that bug you.

[warthog]

in light of the new information i have to say that his alcoholism is a problem here. not the way you worded your email.

i agree with spidookly.

[spidookly]

Don't be diverted down the "ordering" about path.

What you asked was reasonable, and the way you asked was perfectly pleasant.

Your playing field is uneven because he is a drunk. Apologising for the excuse he gives to cover his drinking is not going to help.

[spidookly]

Don't be diverted down the "ordering about" path.

What you asked was reasonable, and the way you asked was perfectly pleasant.

Your playing field is uneven because he is a drunk. Apologising for the excuse he gives to cover his drinking is not going to help.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

do not apologise

it is another step down the path of colluding with his drink problem

[MarvellousMary]

Well to be fair he wasn't too drunk to drive me to hospital, he only learned to drive after ds was born. But- there's another story there in that I 'ordered' him to ring his brother to drive over to look after dd (1 hour journey) so we could go into hospital, he didn't think it was time (like he'd know) and I ended up going in on my own in an ambulance.

I do know some friend's partners who did stop drinking entirely from 37 weeks spid - even over xmas and new year! They were well aware what a pain in the jacks it was but they did it with only a few grumbles.

I grew up in quite a heavy drinking household. My dad was an expat and led the expat life to the full, I was brought up in club houses and bars. And I do like a glass of wine myself - several at times. But I have noticed that I can abstain where as he can't. But is 4 beers a night an alcoholic? They don't seem to get him drunk. He's at his xmas do tonight and I know that a few pints will have him paralytic.

Think what I'll do is tell him I didn't mean to order him, I assumed it was reasonable and ask him why he thought it wasn't. He'll prob tell me I'm twisting things but at some point we have to open communication. I won't apologise!

[spidookly]

I think any amount of booze is a problem if it's being prioritised above all else, which it is here, and in particular if the person is unable to stop.

It seems like he also has unpleasant control issues, as people who object to being "told what to do" often do. To be getting on your high horse with a woman in labour about her "commanding" people to do necessary things is pretty fucked up.

[believeyourtruth]

I don't like 'the attitude' he has when talking to you eg. this morning.

(Maybe my radar is over-sensitive because I recognise the attitude of 'I don't give a s... You are a f...... nightmare.... - especially the arrogant indifference, refusal to cooperate.)