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starting relationship counselling

3 replies

dammedeitherway · 09/12/2010 11:29

long rambly post - please impart wisdom!

dh and i are on the rocks. original thread here.

we went on holiday and had a fab time - no arguments at all - as i predicted. had argument the other morning which dh dragged out all day and the next morning big blow up. got as far as negotiating a split but i said i feel like we're letting dd down so dh did a big back track. i said what do you want and he replied to go to counselling so i said make an appointment....

we went this week for the initial interview appointment. i think i was quite construtctive. dh did this weird character assasination with a bit of praise sandwich thrown in. for example he'd say 'dammed is blah blah nasty stuf but shes such a nice person'. i did actually say to him stop doing that its patronising. i have been thinking it over since and i think dh has some idea in his head that he was being apparaised at relate!

after a while though the consellor did get us on to that what did we want out of the experience part. i said i wanted conflict resolution skills for us both and dh said he felt unrewarded in the relationship and went on and on about sex. tbh i feel uncomfortable about what he said. i think sex should be something mutually desired and enjoyed and not a 'reward' given unwillingly because the man 'deserves' it. dh quantified this statement by sayinng that he provides everything in the relationship. in the financial sense, yes this is true.

otherwise hearing our arguments in front of someone else they sounded really childish and ridiculous but dh behaved as i thought. he did admit he had 'anger problrms' but everything else he said was a big defense about how all our problems stemmed from me. i would guess they are 50 50 as in most relationships but i feel like nothing will change unless dh takes responsibilty for his own behaviour and how it affects our relationship/sex life.

on the plus side before we went in i requested that if things got heated that he wouldnt drag it out for the rest of the day. he did not - he actually seemed a bit shocked by it all, said he felt better for getting it out and left it at that but gave me a hug and said hewanted to stay married to me.

i don't really know what i'm asking - i suppose i just want to chat about it :-(

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DearMrsH · 09/12/2010 17:11

Boy, that sounds really tough! The only thing I would ask you is do you know what it is that you really want out of life - you know the bigger picture?

At least if you have that in your head it gives you some context in which you can set all of this that is going on. I'm not sure that's much help though.

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Tanee58 · 10/12/2010 11:17

Hi DEW, as it was your first session, it was bound to be traumatic (that's been my experience anyway) as it's a chance to get out a lot of bad feelings in a safe place - ie, with a third, disinterested party. These things need to be said, as they've been festering within both of you. Stick with the counselling for a few sessions to see if the counsellor can help you both towards constructive thinking.

It could be that your partner's 'patronising' description of you as nasty - but nice, was his attempt to say that there are things about you that bother him, but that fundamentally, he loves you. You will probably feel the same way as him!

It's good that your DH didn't let it leak into the rest of the day. And that he was shocked by it all - he may have surprised himself by some of the stuff he felt, and by what you expressed. Something he may learn through talking about it, is that financial support and sex are not supposed to be a tradeoff!

The good thing about counselling, is that it helps you to face up to and think about things that you're been trying to suppress, but remain your gut feelings - and those feelings, left there, will rot your guts! Once they're in the open, you can then move onto thinking about solutions. Part of that thought will be, what do you want for the future - do YOU see yourself together in 5, 10, 30 years' time, or are you doing this just for DD's sake (which may not be the best idea for any of you as she will know if you are unhappy and just sticking it out for her).

Good luck to both of you.

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dammedeitherway · 11/12/2010 19:40

thanks for yours words :-)

to be fair dh has been very loving since then. i think it shocked and scared him a bit, that we had really gone down the counselling route, which is make or break stuff.

however now i have thought it over the more sceptical i am that it will help unless i feel like dh is taking some responsibilty for his behaviour. when he wazs attacking me verbally to the counsellor he was pointing at me but looking at her and starting all his statements with 'dammed does xyz - its because dammed does blah blah - the problem with dammed is and so on' and i feel a bit unconvinced by this.