ExP emotionally blackmailing ds

[narcissistssuck]

ds12 has said that he doesn't want to visit his father this new year as we have relatives visiting from abroad and he wants to spend time with some cousins.

His father has stated on several occasions that if ds doesn't want to visit he doesn't have to. He sees him during school holidays because ExP moved 200 miles away. ds never misses a visit.

ExP has basically gone into emotional blackmail mode and is becoming quite unpleasant on the phone. He is a bullying, controlling person and ds is afraid of him.

There is another reason why ds can't visit at new year and it's a safety reason about a condition that he has that his father isn't looking after properly. I need to see the paediatrician before he next visits and I don't have an appointment until mid January.

ds definitely doesn't want to visit and I'm not comfortable with him visiting until I've seen the paed.

This is a very difficult position for us to be in. How can I get ds to stand up to him? He has the right to express some preferences regarding contact and he has the right not to have his health put at risk.

[narcissistssuck]

Ex has traits of NPD btw and everything is all about him. He doesn't respect other peoples' views or rights.

[dhn]

Your son's health comes first, never mind your ex. He is just trying to wage and win another WAR, and as you say, it's all about him, him, him, his rights.......

Maybe you can do something regarding this situation - legally - and someone will be along to advise you about this.

They love blackmailing, don't they.

[narcissistssuck]

They do love blackmailing. Sadly, ds is too young to realise what emotional blackmail is, so he's tormented at the moment.

I have taken legal advice and was advised to get a letter sent to ExP by the paediatrician to see if he will be more willing to take proper care of ds' condition.

[Janos]

Your poor DS. I agree he is well within his rights not to go.

It's understandable he's scared of his Dad. Can you step and say no for him if he doesn't feel able to?

[Plumm]

Have you explained to your DS exactlywhat emotional blackmail is, and how his father is using it as a weapon? He may not completely understand, but it might give him the strength to see that he can stand up to him as he is being unfair.

[narcissistssuck]

I'll have to write to him again if he keeps the pressure up. He has him for extra days to what the court order states because he has him for all the half term days, instead of only half the week. It's not as though he's being 'diddled' out of time.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

why does your son have to stand up to your ex ?

he is 12

you stand up to him, you must have had enough practice at it

just tell him that you are awaiting paediatrician review as you require extra advice on managing his condition

you are putting too much responsibilty on a child, IMO

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

have you posted about this before ?

[narcissistssuck]

Yes, but have namechanged.

[narcissistssuck]

He speaks to him over the phone for his contact calls and that's when he puts pressure on him. I only communicate with ExP via letters.

[narcissistssuck]

Have not spoken to him for 7 years.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

maybe you should ?

or at least spell it out in a letter

yes, I realise you have namechanged, but I recognised the situation. I am sorry that things are not getting resolved.

Your son should not be put under pressure though. Not by your ex, and not by you by expecting a 12 yo to "stand up to" a narcissist.

Many grown adults are incapable of standing up to a narcissist, as I'm sure you are aware.

[narcissistssuck]

I don't know how to communicate with him other than by letter. If I did have to speak to him he'd just lay the law down. He's a total dictator. He has telephone contact as spelled out in the court order, so he's taking the opportunity to have a go at ds when he speaks to him.

I'll have to write another letter if he does it again. I know I can't expect ds to stand up to him. I'm the only one who's ever stood up to him and I've been plenty punished for doing it

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I'll bet you have

I hope you realise I am not having a go at you. I feel for you, and I feel for your son x

Could you post this on the narc's thread ?

[narcissistssuck]

is there a section about narcissists? I didn't know that there was.

[narcissistssuck]

Oh, I'm sorry, you mean thread. doh, my brain isn't working

Will look for the thread.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

it is a long running thread about dealing with narcissistic parents, partners, ex-partners etc

will try to find it

[ivykaty44]

at 12 years old your ds is old enough to have a lot of say in where he spends holdiays etc - and actually although you have a court order I think you will find it may be consuidered out of date and if your ex wants to "lay down the law" he will find that he can't

tell him to either like it or lump it and if he really wants to take it to a solicitor and get advise then do so

as a court will take notice of your ds and what he wants and not your undear ex h - so let him knwo this and let your ds have soem peace and tranqulity

[CarGirl]

Get your son to put the phone on speaker phone and teach him that he is allowed to say back to his Dad "I don't like the way you are talking to me" and hang up? Can you tape the phone calls with your son's knowledge/permission.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

narc thread here

[blackeyedsusan]

You want the paediatrician to write to exp regarding his condition right?

Have you contacted a solicitor?

can you somehow record exps phonecalls? speaker phone and dictaphone? would that help to show to a solicitor?

Would contacting ss help as if I remember rightly your ex is putting ds at great risk?

sorry not sure what to say. I hope it all sorts itself out or someone comes along with some good advice.

[colditz]

Give your son a script for phone contact. put it on speakerphone so he doesn't feel that the comments are so precisely 'aimed' at him, and drop your arm round him while he speaks to his dad.

Train him to say "Dad, I don't like it when you try to make me feel guilty. I have to go now, I have homework to do. Bye."

And if you can, record the conversations.

[narcissistssuck]

The conversations are all being recorded. We don't have a speakerphone on our phone, but I could buy a new phone as our current one is just a basic model.

The solicitor told me to get the paed on board and that she must write to him regarding ds' condition. If he then goes on to ignore the medical advice, I can then apply to the court for a specific issue order and if he breaks that, contact can then legitimately be stopped.

ExP as ds completely browbeaten. He's so meek and mild on the phone, whereas he's not normally like that and usually speaks up for himself, but that's the effect these people have on us I suppose.

I appreciate everyone's advice, thoughts and insight. We have nobody here to talk to about this. People generally understand what npd is all about and how horrific it is to live under the threat of one.

[Tambasher]

I would have it handled by my Lawyer. I do not know where you live but we have Contact Centres here for fathers to meet their children should their be any concerns over his parenting.

Thank you for the link anyfucker.

[narcissistssuck]

I can't afford a lawyer. My legal advice comes from a family contact who is a lawyer. I would probably have to represent myself if it ever went back to court. I've done it before and it wasn't easy, but I survived.

I did try to get it into a contact centre last time, but they weren't interested. That only works for abuse and not neglect it seems. ExP is neglectful and the abuse comes in the form of the mental stuff which nobody is interested in.