Hi, I desperately need some perspective on some stuff going on in my life and would appreciate some honest and straight-talking advice.
This is a condensed version of events (but it's still really long, sorry!).
A few weeks ago, my H confessed to a full-blown affair that had been going on for 2 or 3 months. Our relationship history is complicated, but we've been together over 20 years and have two DCs. Our sex life has been difficult for many years, but I've tried really hard to make that side of our relationship better, but it hasn't ever improved, TBH. We have always got on really well apart from that, and we rarely argue. I didn't really suspect the affair, but it came as no big surprise either, and it made me take my head out of the sand about how bad things were - admittedly a lot of it my fault, but not ALL of it.
We've had several Relate sessions, both separately and together, which have helped a bit.
All this time, my H has still been seeing the OW (but not intimately he says) and says he won't stop seeing her because he doesn't know what I really want. I have turned a blind eye to him seeing her, purely and simply out of a huge amount of guilt on my part. I thought I would like to try again with H, but I'm not sure we can get back the intimacy we once had - for various reasons, that I won't go in to for now.
So we've agreed that we will almost certainly be separating, it's just a question of when. One of our DC is in GCSE year, so I'd dearly like to wait until after they've finished exams in June next year, but not sure I can stand it much longer.
Anyway, H is going to a concert in a city a long way from where we live and is planning two nights away in a hotel with the OW. I feel quite sick about this. I'm pretty sure H is footing the bill for an expensive hotel as he tried to secretly cash in some shares which I found out about, but he said it was to pay for a surprise birthday present for me, but I'm not sure I believe him. My feeling is that, if he's still living with me and DCs as a family, why should our money pay for their dirty weekend away? Not to mention the moral aspect of it.
Anyway, what should I do? Ask him to move out now? Or immediately after Xmas? Our DCs will be devastated, but I don't feel I can pretend anymore and am beginning to feel like the world's biggest doormat. All I've done since discovery of the affair, is put everyone's feelings before my own, including the feelings of H and the OW. Obviously my DCs are the most important thing in the world to me, but my self-esteem is below zero at the moment.
My H is still sleeping (obv, nothing else going on though) in the same bed as me because the DCs don't know what's really going on, although they know we're going through a very rough patch.
Thanks for listening.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Advice - how to move on from H's affair?
AllmyExsLiveinTexas · 07/12/2010 11:57
Late back to this OP, but the first thing to say is that I'm glad you have concluded that this situation is untenable and of course, the DCs should be told and since you've agreed that he will move out, he should do so immediately.
I wouldn't take your approach about not wanting to know, all there is to know. I think rather than beating yourself up for not recognising the signs, you might forgive yourself instead, because there is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent his infidelity. By the time he had given himself permission to have an affair (2nd stage above) nothing would have dissuaded him from this path.
It wouldn't surprise me in the least if when you had the chat you refer to, when he interpreted your affair joke as a "green light" 
he was already having an affair. It's possible it wasn't sexual yet, but emotional affairs start much earlier, as you know.
So you could have turned into a porn star overnight and he would have still pursued this affair. Now if that were me, I would want to know all that, because I expect you have got yourself locked into a very familiar script of blaming yourself for your husband's behaviour choice of infidelity. Worse still, he is blaming you too.
It's actually very liberating to reject that erroneous blame and realise that this was outside your control. It allows you to forgive yourself and say:
"He had other choices. My choices were denied because I was being deceived. I can't take responsibility for decisions I made, when someone was hiding the most salient pieces of information that would have helped me make them. I can forgive myself therefore because had I known he had under-invested so much that he was having an affair, I would have responded differently. When he first met the OW, he could have come to me and told me that things had reached crisis point and that he was at a tipping point. He didn't do that and so I cannot take responsibility for that action."
You know what was happening in your marriage best and you know how long the sex and intimacy problems existed. However, I have often found that problems like this, that are being framed as causative in an affair occurring, turn out to be response behaviours because of a spouse who already had one foot out of the door. This is why I always urge couples to timeline events.
You might feel that it really doesn't matter, but IMO, even if you separate, you need to understand what happened here and I have a healthy suspicion that you are being sold a crock of shite by your blaming and justifying husband.
Sorry, not had a chance to come online as I can?t risk my DCs seeing anything.
WWIFN ? again you are probably spot on. I think he was having the affair (or being tempted by an affair, at least) at the time of the Green Light comment, and it was another sign that I didn?t pick up on. I still don?t want to know the gory details about the OW ? H has said that, if it was me having the affair, he?d ?be puking?.
Firstly, I should say that the sex and intimacy problems have been going on for many, many years, which is why it's so hard for me to not blame myself. The root cause (which have only surfaced through sessions at Relate) is probably to do with me taking on a 'Carer/Motherly' role towards H many years ago when his mother died. There are other factors also, but that seems to be the main problem. I don't think I have the energy or the desire to try and fix that now.
We had another emotionally charged discussion yesterday, and H has said that he knows he?s ?being a selfish twat? but he?s not willing to give up what he calls his Plan B (even though there is only ONE outcome now, it?s a WHEN not an IF) because he?s desperate to be loved and wanted by someone. He is also still taking OW away, but they?re staying in a PremierInn now which she?s offered to pay for. I told him that when we look back on all this, that day would be the moment it was over ? even though we both know our relationship was dead in the water long ago.
What hurts me most is that when I ask H, why did OW have to choose a married man, he always defends her choices? He says that he told her from Day One that he was attached, but she still chose to pursue him? I just don?t get it. They are both very needy people, OW is on ADs and has had a nervous breakdown, plus her marriage ending was very painful. I think H feels he can?t put her through another trauma ? so clearly her feelings are more important that mine. On the other hand, I don?t think I can ever love him again, so I'm relieved, in a way, to let him go.
Finally, thank you so much for that paragraph of wisdom regarding me letting go of the erroneous blame. It has helped enormously, and I?m going to print that out and read it when I start to self-doubt. I may show it to H, in fact, I may let him read the whole thread, but I don?t really want to blow my cover!
CoventryCarole, your advice gave me another perspective re GCSE timing, which I really appreciate. I think we are going to try and limp on until end June next year (which has the added benefit of pissing off the OW, but I know I shouldn't say that). The child we have doing GCSE?s is the more sensitive out of our two DCs, and I will never forgive myself if they do badly because of the split. Also, DC is very keen to go to Uni eventually and, as you rightly say, every GCSE grade will count.
hi again
I am reassured to see your latest posts (not that you have to make me feel better, btw 
)
I am glad to see you have both accepted your marriage is over. Some of your earlier comments seemd to suggest that you would try to hang on to it.
So however way you work it out now (to separate) is whatever is best for your family, and only you know that.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.