Help!!!! Narc invasion ....again! and not even with him anymore, at a loss as to what to do for best :/

[midnightoil]

Hi, really need some strong, useful honest advice from you ladies. Don't know what to do. Am at a loss at what to do for the best. here goes sorry if its long...

The long and short of it is having escaped from a classic narc and rebuilt my life (having finally understood it from reading on here) , then coping alone until finally going on to meet a wonderful new man (totally non narc like) . we are both now faced with dealing with him. We have moved back to France so the kids could benefit from seeing him and my family too, who also live here. All in the same area.

The xp's mournful pleas where heard for two years, by us both back in Britain, about how he would do anything to have his kids back. How he was a broken man. The kids missed him , i missed my family to be around for the kids. So we caved and moved back to France a year ago. Since we arrived it has been a procession of problems. He on the arrival of his kids has done little to help, he stated it should be two weekends per month he see them and once in the week or when he can. We all work fulltime. It has now slipped to just friday and saturday night for him to have them every two weeks, and claims work in the week...although we all work. He never picks them up from school, never takes them. whenever I have asked for his help, when there has been no other options he has flat refused.

Us moving here was incredibly difficult, it is virtually impossible for a foreigner to rent an apartment other than a holiday let so for a year we have been living in one paying extortionate prices, trying to get integrated with all of our belongings in storage (sofa's,chairs,tele's, kids toys everything) in the end we nearly ended up on the street as the holiday rental agency did us over, and he still refused to help. All he would have to do was give a piece of paper stating he was the kids father and that he paid his taxes here and had lived here for twelve years. Right up until the final day of our apartment we had been trying to find someone to rent to us with our 'exeptional' circumstances and without all the required papers. Eventually I had to ask him! we had no other choice but to ask to help with some papers; Its to do with my partner having an english contract for the owners insurance etc...So he grudgingly gave them. although it meant no come back for him, no money required just papers.

He is constantly, berating us and telling us what a crap job we are doing, even though he barely sees them or contributes. He contributes 300 euro's per month, despite us having to pay some months for extra care, or school belongings , for the school canteen and even have to pay for the actual care at lunchtime ...separate from paying for lunch. we are dying on our feet here. The rent is extortionate, it seems now we have found a place to live although incredibly expensive, have all our things back finally after battling him to help.... he is now threatening that when his fiance is back next year he reckons he will take the kids full time (yeah right) bcs we are doing such a crap Job! we aren't by the way. we have done everything for those kids without him in a new country , got jobs, learning french ... I just can't believe we may have to uproute, again, leave my family again, spend the last of our savings we were hoping to buy a house with, to relocate again or stick up with his constant finger pointing, bad mouthing for very little he actually gives his kids.

To top it all off he actually thinks he is a top dad. He is nothing more than a fun (slighty scary) uncle who does nothing to contribute to the everyday grind but has vast misguided opinions about their health and what they actually are like and plenty to accuse us of. do not know what the hell to do. Any advice would be welcome. :(

[Katisha]

Do you WANT to be in France?
There's no point in staying if it makes life hell for everyone surely?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Any chance of relocating away from this narcissitic man?. Its a shame (understatement) that you fell for his lies because they will say and do anything to get what they want.

I have a narc BIL so can speak from some degree of experience here. No contact with such people is the only way forward for you.

Your children won't benefit at all from having a narcissitic dad in their lives; they are just being used currently as his narc supply and a stick to beat you with. He will get bored with them soon enough and now you're in France he already is.

[hairyfairylights]

"We have moved back to France so the kids could benefit from seeing him and my family too, who also live here. All in the same area."

I just can't understand why you would have moved back to France, all the upheaval etc, just for this reason, knowing he was abusive i the first place?

[believeyourtruth]

OP, he is all talk and no do again, about how wonderful a father HE believes he is, whereas, in reality, it is the opposite, making everyone's life difficult and complicated, trying to score points and win battles, not putting your dc first.

It sounds like, typically, you have done everything possible to accommodate what he wants, and all he does is cause grief.

How old are your dc, btw.

[Gotabookaboutit]

Move back - put why in writing to his solicitir
ie we tried but you didn't - so its on record and do everything in writing on an official basis.

You are doing you kids no favours - though understand your family is there to

[Mumi]

Move back. Are you allowed to do this with DCs? If he can't be bothered in France it'll make no odds to him that you're in the UK.

[believeyourtruth]

How old are the dc, OP?

[MeowyChristmasEveryone]

Get yourselves back over here, if that's what you want.

He's an arse - how could his treatment of you by phone/e-mail be any worse than it is in person?!?!

[Devendra]

Move back but DO NOT TELL HIM untill its all sorted and in the bag else he will make your life worse than it already is.... or move somewhere else in France.. Dont waste another second of your and your families life on this loser... start living and be free of him.

[midnightoil]

I guess there is a common theme here, suppose I knew it in my head, good advice. Kat, Attila,hairy, -have had some great opportunities offers of work here, which would truly propel my career, and my aim is to work less and earn more to spend more time with the kids. where as at the moment am in work six days a week, 9 hrs a day just to afford living here.

But realise, even though me and the kids have achieved alot in the year here,I am conversing in french, and so are the kids... well beginning to. my partner still has one foot in Britain he works remotely, and can't learn French much, as I am surrounded by French all day everyday, where as he is not and barely gets out. They will lose a grandma and Grandpa that love them very much , which was a factor in moving here. believeyourtruth-they are 6 and 4. Good advice gotabookaboutit! but am worried they will charge me an arm and a leg just for that. and sooooo havn't got it or anything at moment, xmas is cancelled and still paying off the frigging storage. working all the hours gods send with a double income and the cost of living is crippling us. Disabling our choices even to go back.

Have just been offered the possiblity of working a chance of a lifetime opportunity to blast us into a different league of living with a little patience. for me it would be the first time my career would have taken a massive step up. but so has my partner(in england) which will mean he would be in England for the next year, leaving me more or less alone...with 'The twat narc' my mum and dad have busy lives of their own, and can't see it changing. And this possibilty couldn't be taken until my contract finishes where I am now. Its a big mess.

I didn't even realise he was a narc till I had moved here and read the thread on mumsnet. Just thought he was a Dick!

now am seeing how bad this could be for the kids. Its jsut means uprooting and confusing them yet again, which I would do, but havn't got the funds to do so unless I see the opportunities here. Sorry if this is rushed, am in work. Thanks for your advice it is greatly needed and am beginning to realise the urgency from all your posts, but how do I deal in the meantime, until all of these things we are waiting for to resolve, cos it ain't gonna be soon. am discovering life here, everything takes more time and effort. Thanks again :/

[Gotabookaboutit]

Personally I think Dick/Git/Narc are all interchangeable and not sure most Narc's as defined on MN would satisfy a Phyc evaluation. But how you deal with any of them is all the same .

Talk to your parents and ask for help - They may have busy lives but people make time and somtimes money for the ones they love and hopefully it will be for a short ti

[Gotabookaboutit]

What do you want to happen ?

[midnightoil]

Thanks Devendra, I made the mistake of telling Him I was leaving the first time and he stepped up the abuse tenfold. Didn't think i would make it back alive. But I did. Suppose I didn@t know he would try it on with a now secure family unit and thought he may want to prove himself a good dad. As I know his image was so important to him. But realise thats all it is, is an image.

Meowychristmas everyone... I guess this opp needed to be taken for him to prove himself unworthy otherwise would have always been wondering ...just wish would have read it on here earlier.

and you are right Getabook about it, I guess can't deal with him in a normal way, he has proven himself time and time again to be completely unreasonable. All of the things he has done and said are just designed to get me on my ear, and choices I make for the kids from a new pair of socks to nappies turn out to be a reason to call me c**t , and tell us how shit we all are. Back to Britain I guess. I feel so defeated at running from him again. Just would have liked the chance to have the best of my family to ease the way in making life a little easier for the sake of the kids while we forge a decent life for us all , but it seems its one or the other. can never have both while he is around poisoning everything.

Bit sad about that,as they were in nursery full time when I did my training, then I became self employed.this took them up to two years in daycare constantly , so I felt guilty about that too. I think maybe you have all helped make up my mind....he is not going to turn into a reasonable person ever. It will always be about point scoring and the kids cannot be wrapped up in that. thanks all. Back to the drawing board. wish us luck.:)

[Devendra]

Good luck... remember your kids will be absolutely fine.... as long as you are fine..

[BaggyAgy]

midnightoil,
I have only read your initial post. I saw you mention the possibility of uprooting again. If you are contemplating a return to UK, beware the Hague Convention which he could invoke to attempt to prevent you from removing the children from "their habitual residence". Once France becomes or has become, their habitual residence, you could well be in difficulties.

[midnightoil]

oh shit, will have to read up on that.Thanks Baggyagy.:/

[Gotabookaboutit]

Good Luck hun - better to do it asap - and your not running away - your putting distance between you for your children's best interests.

You have tried and he has failed - not you !

[Gotabookaboutit]

please excuse the hun - have just been on facebook

[midnightoil]

Ha ha, its better than 'babe' ;)

[Gotabookaboutit]

:)