How to say to DS (5) that Daddy's going..?

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Bound to be long, you know this old bird doesn't know when to STFU...

HUGE row yesterday, I told 'H' to go, even got out the bin bags and chucked stuff into one.

Sadly lost my temper, he wouldn't stop shouting so in the end i caved. threw a brush at him. deeply ashamed of myself.

Had to go out to a party, came back, no sign of him, but his stuff is still here, his shaver in charger so he'll be back tonight.

He is going back to his country in Feb, early Feb. He has friends in london. He could stay elsewhere.

I know it's only for a short while longer, but I can't take this any more. I really don't want him anywhere near me.

He is surly, does literally nothing. only sits rolling his cigarettes smoking, talking on the phone to his friends, or watching YouTube. He doesn't wash or clear behind him, it's not his job apparently. Any conversation we have he twists into a fight, he has bad mouthed me to my dearest friends H, to try to get him to ban her from speaking to me, he has hit me on a number of sporadic occasions, he has verbally abused me, he has insisted I cut contact with friends he didn't like,

He has humiliated me (screaming, swearing) in front of literally everyone I ever met in Egypt (Not THAT high a number as he refused to take me out in the beginning, 10 weeks without leaving the flat with a 6-9m old. He was tired/busy)

Snapshot, but you get the picture. In short I have been the most stupendous ffing idiot.

So I plan to tell him he is welcome to spend time with his son until he goes, but that tbh, he needs to stay elsewhere as often as possible.

WTF do I say to DS? Daddy loves you, but it's not working out? Daddy shouts at mummy and DS too much and it's not good for any of us to live like this. Daddy doesn't like living here, he wants to go back to Egypt.

Poor DS said, Can't daddy miss his friends in Egypt?, and Monkey (his favourite toy) is crying because he doesn't want daddy to leave.

Of course he doesn't want his dad to leave, but his dad is a tool. He is ffing useless. he is actually harmful. The fight broke out because DS used the dustpan to sweep up some crumbs from the side.. He started to shout at DS through me, and I didn't see why there was a problem, not THAT big a problem.

So please fellow MNers, some pointers as to how to tell DS and not have him hate me in the end for telling his dad to go.

[UpsyDaisyOne]

LittleMissHoHoHoFit so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Not sure I can offer much advice, but just wanted to offer support as I am going through something a little similar. But my h has not been controlling or abusive as yours has. He has certainly been a tool though- lied to me throughout our whole relationship by having a relationship which has resulted in children with a woman back in his own country, and hidden it from me for years. I found out when I was heavily pregnant with our second child. It has been a massive shock and I want to break up, but it the guilt is so awful. My dd is nearly 4 and loves her dad. All I can say is that your ds will always love his mum and that you deserve to be happy, and you can't be happy with this man, nor is he at all a suitable role model for your little boy. Your little boy will not hate you- he will be a bit sad at first but he will be relieved that you are happy and everything is more settled without his dad there. Also kids are perceptive- my dd knows that it is her dad who is making me upset, and she has been angry with him about this. You just need to get him out of the house so you and your son can focus on your lives and not his negative presence.

[UpsyDaisyOne]

tbh, from what you say about him having hit you and the argument provoked by something your son did (by the sound of it not even something he needed to be told off for), I would say you should consider getting him out of the house much sooner. I am sure others can advise better on this- but if he can stay elsewhere he should. Does he own the house/ pay rent? Are you close to any of his friends? Can you just change the locks or perhaps ask one of his friends to help you persude him to stay elsewhere? I imagine 'losing face' is an issue for him but might be an idea to tell him he will lose more face if you have him arrested for abusing you...

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

thanks so much for replying.

Did you post about your situation?, it rings a bell. That really sucks.

I just feel such a shit, choosing a really crap dad, a really shit man for him. He deserves so much better, he is such an amazing little chap.

H has no power over me, he doesn't hit me any more, last time was when we were back in egypt, though he did posture and shove yesterday.

I suppose Actions not words really, he knows the shouting is bad, he knows we don't have so many problems between DS and me when 'H' is no longer here.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Sorry he came back and he talked.

got a million sorries, but we all know they aren't legal tender. Told him how I feel, told him if he is not going to behave like a human being, like a proper person, then he can stay else where.

Apparently he loves me, apparently this is why he did it all.
I told him that people who love don't do that to those they love.

Told him that he is not good enough father material, that I deserve better, DS deserves better.

Sure that hurt him, but how exactly can I say it any other way?

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

I have passport, no worries on that score.

[allouttalove]

Hopefully just a paranoid thought, so ignore me if it is.....How is your H about leaving? Is he just going to go back to Egypt on his own? He wouldn't think of taking DS would he?? Just a thought, but I know it happens.

[allouttalove]

ohh crossed posts. sorted then

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

No, we have had this discussion here already, it's not going to happen.

Trust me. He is a shit man, a crap dad, but not a monster. He knows the only place DS needs to be is here. He knows there is the last place to bring up or educate a child.

[perfectstorm]

Please, please get some legal advice. There are such things as duel nationality passports, there are replacements for "lost" passports. It sounds very possible that if he does return to Egypt he will try to take your DS with him. Please, at the least post in legal for advice on how to prevent that eventuality. Because if he gets him to Egypt you may have extreme difficulty in even seeing him, far less getting him returned to this country. I don't mean to sound paranoid but everyone thinks it wouldn't happen to them.

I'm so very sorry you are in this position.

[perfectstorm]

LittleMissHoHoHoFit people usually think they can trust the other parent not to abduct their child internationally. Until it's too late. The world is not full of monsters, but it is of men who never see/pay for their kids, and conversely women who totally unreasonably deny contact.

The sad fact is a lot of people behave in ways you would never believe them capable in the heat of a breakup. I would ensure you have that nailed down so it is not a risk.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

I have already gone down these routes unbeknownst to him, Passport office etc.

Did this when I found out he'd been talking shit behind my back to my friend's husband.

He is never alone with DS, DS himself knows not to go anywhere without Mummy, that if H turns up at school to tell his teachers that he must wait for mummy.

[blackeyedsusan]

Sorry that it is so rubbish at the moment.
A wise friend told another friend that she would be a better mummy without her dp around and to tell this to the dcs. Tell them too that daddy will be a better daddy without mummy around if that helps and is true though I am not sure from your posts.

Read somewhere else on here that you don't always know how things will turn out and can only make the best decisions you can at the time with the information avaiilable.

You deserve better than being hit. Not goood for ds growing up thinking that is ok.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Thanks bes, we did today talk about that and he said in his own way that H shouting made everyone shout at everyone. I said that is Daddy is not here, we would not shout as much.

[perfectstorm]

Oh phew, that's a relief. I'm really sorry to have gone on about it, but it's horrifying how the most unlikely people can be absolute shits over this kind of thing. And forgive me, but he doesn't sound the most unlikely, from what you've said here.

I'm so incredibly sorry. This sounds horrendous. I suppose the best thing to remember is that your DS will grow up thinking women are property (he tried to get your best friend's husband to ban her from talking to you?!) too. At least you can model a different sort of family for him.

I do think if you can get a formal separation, preferably by mediated consent, complete with prohibited steps order re. foreign travel, that might be a very good thing.

[Maelstrom]

Ok, I was told the following many years ago, when I was splitting from my ex:

Children are not hurt by divorce/separation, what hurts them is to witness all the shouting/fights/etc that preceed the split.

If he is going anyway, I would try to do some damage control to avoid DS being hurt further. Don't even mention about the situation until you both have clear facts of what is happening next like WHEN he is leaving, where he is going and HOW contact is going to take place. Uncertainity is bad for everyone, more so for children so don't get into details until you know for sure what is going to happen.

Instead of chucking your ex's things out after an argument, calm down and plan his leaving together CALMLY (if possible) once DS is out of earshot.

And a word of caution, keep your son passport in a safe place, as well as his birth certificates, pay a visit to reunite.org just incase. I don't want to scare you but sometimes even the sanest parents do things out of desperation. My ex tried to obtain a second passport for DS without telling me about it. Fortunately, his consulate decided to check everything was ok by ringing home before issuing a new one.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Oh I know, it's so easy when you've been on here for long enough to see disaster in everything.

I am queen of worst case scenario, there are a few things that he has always, always maintained, that he would never take my money, nor would he ever take a child from it's mother, even from before DS was born, and before we talked about having DC together.

PSO only count in the UK, but you can alert the passport office and get residency orders.

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Passport/Cert are in a safe place, off site.

Things have calmed down, there will be no chucking out of bags.

Thanks for all the advice on the hows and when to discuss, good points!

Sorry for my clipped responses, have had a glass and a half of vino, and it has gone to my head..

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Thanks to al that responded, i really appreciate it!

I have to trot off to bed now, early start and shlightly pished..

[UpsyDaisyOne]

I did post a little about my situation- didn't want to say too much though in case I was recognised. It is shit yes . Best of luck with your situation. One thing I would say, I agree it is easy to worry about worse case scenarios, but it is good you have been careful- my h has always said he would never take a child from its mother, but then we were watching the news the other day, when such a case was being discussed. he said again a child should always be with its mother- but then went on to say in a case he had heard of the father had no choice as the mother was 'not bringing the child up the right way'. He did a quick backpedal when I challenged him, but he did say it, and I took note.

[perfectstorm]

Unfortunately afaik Egypt has not signed up to the Hague Convention, so I don't think that there is much you could do outside the local legal system if he was removed, so presumably prevention is key. I would maybe call the Reunite helpline, if you haven't, and get their advice? Some high street solicitors are more used to dealing with wills and conveyancing than issues like this. A friend had real problems in a difficult child contact dispute until she moved to a specialist. And the Reunite helpline is free.

It isn't MN that has made me so paranoid, sadly. It's doing an MA in family law. The worst thing of all was the reading of case after case where someone thought they knew their loved one, and got royally screwed over precisely because of that faith. I love my DH very much, but I'd not trust anyone on earth now in certain areas. Even him. You never know anyone, at base level.

Glad about the vino, hope you have a good night. Again, I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

[Maelstrom]

Egypt has signed, but the keywords here are prevention and... a residency order. Not much can be done without the latter.

Every time I hear the words "oh but DH would never do something like that" I don't know whether to laugh or feel sad, I would have NEVER believed DS's dad to be capable of all the bad things he has done to both DS and I over the years since the split. In his view this is a war and in war EVERYTHING is allowed.

[perfectstorm]

Ah, okay, I didn't realise.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's terrible that people can do that to one another, never mind their own children.

[perfectstorm]

Maelstrom, I could be completely misreading here, and maybe it happened in the past year, but both Reunite and the HCCH website omit Egypt as signatories as of 2009.

[ChippingIn]

LittleMiss - I have read your other threads :( and I know H is on his way out (thank fuck).

I know you say he wouldn't take DS with him, but we have heard that before :( I would go and see the school again, vamp up the teachers about not letting anyone else take DS especially his Dad but anyone without it in writing in blood from you!

Do you have residency? If not, why not and when are you going to?

I would also do whatever has to be done re passport control again too....

You just cannot be too sure or too careful.
x