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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I don't fancy him anymore because he's TATT, dull and annoying

58 replies

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 30/11/2010 01:31

He works all the time, for the family, but he never spends any time with his family.

He's tired all the time because he doesn't sleep when he should/has the opportunity.

We never speak because of his workload.

OP posts:

Report

madonnawhore · 30/11/2010 15:22

So what are you gonna do?

2rebecca · 30/11/2010 15:35

Could you work a bit to spread the load?
Why does he need to work "all the time" for the family? Is it crap underpaid job, family with unrealistic expectations or workaholic?
Most folk I know have busy time consuming jobs but still manage to speak.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 30/11/2010 15:55

I don't know...

I work 3 days a week (no point doing more really as childcare/tax/transport would cancel out further income)

He works all the time because his job is so demanding.. he often does 13 hour days and has to commute 2.5 hours each way 3 days a week. He's on call a lot, so every other week works in the evenings too.
No wonder he's tired...

tbh, we prob could make more time to speak, but the only time we have is in the evening at about 9pm and both of us are so bloody shattered that we just don't have anything to talk about.

tis rubbish.

OP posts:

orangina · 30/11/2010 16:02

(what does TATT mean/stand for?)

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 30/11/2010 16:02

Tired all the time.
(sorry)

OP posts:

Ormirian · 30/11/2010 16:03

Well to be fair, I think I would be TATT, dull and annoying if i did those sort of hours.

orangina · 30/11/2010 16:04

Oh that's me then (TATT)....

(useful to know...!)

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 30/11/2010 16:05

that's the main problem Orm.. :(

His work is just taking so much of his time/patience/sanity that he just has nothing left when he does get home.

He is a bit of a workaholic though, and it's hard to tell exactly what is work being demanding, and what's him 'just wanting to get this bit finished before I leave' etc...

OP posts:

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 30/11/2010 16:08

God.. I sound like such a bitch :(

it just feels like there's no relationship there, as there simply isn't time to DO anything together.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/11/2010 16:16

Why does he "have" to commute 2 1/2 hours? Couldn't you move?
Could he reduce his hours?

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 30/11/2010 16:25

We moved to this area because it was a cycle ride away from his work, then the bastards relocated him to London. We can't afford to move any closer, it's just too expensive and we're in negative equity too.
Plus, we really really like where we live, and he doesn't want to move.

There is a possibility of him doing another day from home.. I wish he'd push that a bit more. 2 long days in London with possible overnight stay is fine, it's when he does 3 days straight, leaving at 6:30 and often not getting home until 8:30, then having to do hours of work in the evening too.

He's really worried about changing jobs in the current climate, but something's got to give..

OP posts:

Taghain · 30/11/2010 23:47

There's the "dull and annoying" bit as well.

What was he like before he started working so many hours?

Is he willing to downshift work? Can he negotiate working at home some days or could he just stop working so hard?

It's time to talk seriously about what you are both getting out of your relationship.

whenallelsefailsmaketea · 30/11/2010 23:54

My DH was like this for years. He became internationally famous for his work, I became miserable had an affair messed up our marriage and left him.

It's not a good long term way to live! It's not worth the extra income or the professional success it brings if it leaves you lonely bored and miserable.

You need to tell him how fed up you are. Seriously.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 30/11/2010 23:59

I'd be dull and annoying if I worked those hours.

I'd be seriously talking to him about his workload / presenteeism / talking to his management about his hours.

It's affecting your relationship.

This kind of thing really annoys me that women are expected to have work / life balance (you do three days) but that men are expected to work all the hours god sends. It's not sustainable and he needs to sort it out.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 01/12/2010 10:50

It makes both of us so miserable.. He feels very trapped by his job though as he can't find anything that would earn him similar money, and we've got a fair bit of debt to pay off.

Thing is, I could cope with it (and so could he) if it was just a short term thing. It started when the third member of his team left, so the work of 3 had to be shared between 2 of them. This was meant to be temporary, but then the recesion hit and that person was never replaced. The company was bought out, relocated to London and the workload increased further.
It's always 'once this project's done, things should be easier' but its bollocks and more and more things are getting heaped on him and his colleague.

He wasn't dull before this, at all. It was great when he was close to home, he was generally home by 5:30pm, we had plenty of time in the evenings as a family etc. Most of all he was doing sensible hours so wasn't stressed unless it was a particularly difficult time at work, was all fine.

He's changed though.. stressed and miserable all the time, and he just doesn't seem to be able to leave his work behind.

When I have friends over, or my Sister, he comes out of his shell and sort of goes back to how he was before - funny, lively etc. It's refreshing to see that this person is still in there somewhere, but in a way it almost makes it worse because as the weekend/evening is over he just reverts back to sad old grump. :(

Another thing that's changed recently is that we've stopped eating together. I just couldn't do it anymore as we'd end up eating after 9pm every night, so now I eat with DS and DP gets himself something when he gets in . He's not bothered about food though, so that's not an issue for him - but it's even less time spent together IYSWIM.

Really been feeling like everything is down to me lately, and yet another bone of contention. Not the housework - that's split fairly well considering.. it's the responsibiliy for the running of the house, organising everything, and most of all I make all the decisions where DS is concerned because DP doesn't see him unless it's the weekend.

OP posts:

Taghain · 01/12/2010 12:10

OK, so now we know that he can still be fun so it's worth your while staying together.

Firstly, pay off ALL those debts. That's the driver for him working too hard. Debts are crap.
Then he can change jobs to make life easier for you all, even if it means less money.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 01/12/2010 12:34

True.. I think paying off the debts has to be something to aim for. The two biggest loans are due to end in about 18 months, so if we can get through that... something to aim for IYSWIM.

DS will be at school then to, so unless we have another child (not likely atm) then I'll be able to work a bit more to take the pressure off.

I reckon he could find something around here for about 20% less than what he earns at the moment, which would be a huge loss atm, but once the worst of the debts are gone it's certainly feasible.

That's actually really helped - 18 months is a long time, but it sort of gives some light at the end of the tunnel..

He can't continue doing these hours.. he'll end up having a heart attack or something :(

OP posts:

springlamb · 01/12/2010 19:58

It will really help if you have this conversation with him.
DH and I are in pretty much the same situation, but now we have a scribbled-out plan of how we're getting ourselves out of it.
We signed a 5 year business lease three years ago and it's been a disaster. We don't like where we're living and want to move elsewhere. We're worried about DS's college options and DD's secondary choices. The situation leaves no time for ourselves.
But since we sat and scribbled out The Escape Plan (with time slots) we're both much happier.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 01/12/2010 20:09

Escape plan - great idea. Of course.. I'm the one doing all the whinging here (poor me feeling all neglected) but it's HIM who's doing 50 hour weeks. He does earn a good salary, but it's not worth it IMO.

We do need a proper chat about all this.. I need to find time and book it. This weekend's out, perhaps next weekend. hmm..

Lots to think about.

OP posts:

deepheat · 01/12/2010 21:41

There are so many relationship threads where it seems pretty obvious for the OP to simply read out their post to their DP. This seems like one.

Its impossible for any of us to know, but to me it seems like you love your DP a great deal and you're simply resentful of your current situation and what its done to him. No shame there - it sounds like a bit of a nightmare for both of you.

Encourage him. Next time friends or family come round, tell him how much you love it when he comes out of himself like that and make plans for an evening/weekend/whatever you can manage where he can relax in the same way, but just with you.

Let him know what you want from a relationship and that you want it from him, because you love him.

Sorry, this is all bog-standard, obvious stuff. My hunch is that this may simply be a shitty period that you both have to get through and that you're feeling it pretty hard right now. Really all the best with everything.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 01/12/2010 21:54

I can't possibly read this out to DP, he'd be so hurt :(

You're completely right though deepheat.

Love him though... he only came home with flowers tonight!

(am ignoring the fact that it's almost 10pm)

OP posts:

maltesers · 01/12/2010 21:59

Sounds like he has blown it. . . .for the time being anyway.
Try to talk to him and make him see some sense. , pick the right time, when he is calm, not tired, not hungry and its peaceful.

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ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 01/12/2010 22:01

why does it sound like he's blown it?

OP posts:

maltesers · 01/12/2010 22:05

Because you dont fancy him anymore .

MaeMobley · 01/12/2010 22:08

Just read your posts to DH. They describe our situation too. I still eat with DH but it is past 10pm most nights and it is making me fat, resentful and miserable.

Most evenings we sit on the sofa (as we are at this very moment) and don't talk either.

When we are out together DH hides behind his iPhone.

I just wanted to sympathise and I will watch this thread. It makes me feel like shit.

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