just need to talk to someone, really

[Gherkinsmummy]

Sorry, a bit of a long story; my DP and I have a four month old son, who we both love very much. Before DS was born, DP took on several fairly major work commitments, one of which I suggested might wait until DS was a bit older as it would be quite stressful. DP works from home, and we only have a 1-bed, so since DS's birth I've done as much as I can to give DP quiet time at home.

He's doing a PhD and most weeks is away from home at least one night a week, which is ok, but recently he's either been busy or away for the last fortnight, because of this event he's organised. Yesterday I went along with DS and there were a few problems, so DP was very stressed. He texted me later to say he had been smoking (he stopped when DS was born), and I texted him back to say I understood. But when DS woke me at 4 am I realised DP hadn't come home, nor were there any messages from him. I've tried to call him twice this morning and he's not answering.

Since DS was born I've sometimes really struggled with my new role as mother - I used to be a very social person and though I go out a lot during the day I miss meeting friends in the evenings, going to the cinema etc. DP knows this and has been promising that once this busy period is over (he's away again next week from Tuesday til Saturday at a conference) he'll give me a break.

I am SO ANGRY with him right now. All he had to do was text to say that he was at the party and had missed the last train.

We are supposed to be moving next year to be nearer his university and I'm seriously questioning whether I still want to move (I'd be giving up work to move) and whether I still even want to be with someone so thoughtless and selfish. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading this far!

[midnightoil]

Hi there, just wanted to let you know that have read it and feel for you. Just so I know is your little one the only child you have together? so you are both new parents?

[LittleMissHissyFit]

hmm, he needs to be sat down and asked which of the responsibilities he'll be covering.

How dare he just not come home, who the hell does he think he is.

Right, you need to assign him a few tasks, shouldering all of this on your own when he is in the picture and, i'll hazard a guess, creating work for you, cooking cleaning and washing/washing up??? He needs to seriously set his priorities straight.

[Gherkinsmummy]

Yes both new parents. Yes, LittleMissHissyFit (great name) I do 90% of the housework, which I accept as he's supporting us now - I only get statutory MP so DP is paying the rent and most of the bills. He has promised to help out round the house once the busy period is over but I am beginning to seriously doubt that we'll ever arrive at this mythical Nirvana.

[perfumedlife]

He is bang out of order Gherkinsmummy. Have you heard from him yet?

If it is snowing, I imagine he will use that as the 'reason' for staying out. But there is no excuse for not calling/texting.

How much longer is the PHD going to take?
Wish I could come and take babyGherkin out a walk and give you some peace.

[Gherkinsmummy]

No - and today is the last day of the festival he's running so he wont be home til late again.
I actually would understand him staying out; its the lack of communication that hacks me off.

little gherkin is listening to Desert Island Disks and seems riveted by the bit of Vivaldi they just played.

The course is another 18 months. I am thinking that he might be moving on his own; I seem to be a de facto single mum anyway...

[midnightoil]

The only reason I ask, because this may well be a perfectly normal adjustment period for both of you. And yes it sucks, I know. But this time is a massive test of strength and commitment where you are both dealing with your different roles now surrounding your DS.

Men do tend to throw their toys out the pram a bit, feel generally useless around this time. unfortunately, they seem to think it comes more naturally for women to deal with! When in actual fact, you are both in a state of shock and adjustment.

This time can either make or break you as a couple (until the next big tests make themselves known of course). Your baby is very young. It sounds like he has thrown himself into things that he feels he can deal with and control. Leaving you feel out of the loop and alone. Some idiots tend to do this, and never know what they are doing, some more enlightened souls may actually open their eyes and see what its doing to you, and his child...especially if he is eventually faced with losing it all.

I don't know your partner hun or your relationship together, but even the strongest of relationships would struggle in a one bed place, working from home with a new baby around! At this time , the best you can do is let him deal with it in his way, and find your own way to cope with the changes. Its an important time for you to bond with your baby. God knows, I know its tough, but right now you have to concentrate on finding a social outlet you can do with your baby and get yourself feeling good about yourself again, try not to take it personally. But don't stop talking to him about it, tell him how you feel and be sure to find yourself again amongst all this. Very important!!.

Best I can do having been in this situation, and in a similar one now again 6 years and two kids later . Be sure that if you keep strong and see it as a natural progression the chances are he will see you emerging victorious, and want to be part of it. Only time will tell. Hope it works out for you! good luck. :)

[Gherkinsmummy]

I've tried to be as supportive as physically possible, taking DS out during the day, and helping with publicity for the event. I feel exhausted and fed up and - just sad. I love DS so much but I wonder if we should have had him.

[midnightoil]

Well you have had him my and the worst thing you could do is question after the fact whether or not you should have had him. Its not his fault his parents are unfortunately human and fallible. Don't support him, if he is not showing you any respect...your home is where your work with your baby is for now too, and if doesn't want to be part of it, and the poor lickle love is finding it difficult to work from home where his family live (:/), then kindly point him in the direction of an internet cafe to work for the day. assuming its mainly by computer. Computers don't need bums changing, feeding on time, love and cuddles and kept out of the winter weather. we grow as people and develop by problem solving, him working from home is not just your problem or your fault. that is one thing he has the power to change, as you can't change having had a child.

[perfumedlife]

The thing is, there is rarely an ideal time to have children. And if you get through this rough period, the rest will feel so easy by comparison, which helps. If he only has another week or so of this busy period, try and hang in there, get a couple of evenings out arranged with your friends and re charge you batteries, then decide on the move next year. Will it be possible to get another job if you move there?

He cannot get away with not contacting you re staying out all night though. That is so rude and thoughtless.

[perfumedlife]

Good point midnightoil. Why must he work from home? The work you are doing with the baby is just as valuable, more so imo. You need space to breathe and relax there.

[Gherkinsmummy]

We've had all these conversations - he was supposed to start working at the library but somehow it never quite happened.

[Cookie26]

Your other half needs a God almighty kick up the arse. Why is it that as mothers we put everyone elses needs before our own yet our partners think about themselves first? The PHD and the work can be picked up at anytime, our children are babies for a very short time and that's time that you can NEVER do over. I completely understand your position. You go from being your own person, enjoying friendships and freedom to having this little person completely reliant upon you. Yes, it's our choice to have children and I know I'd never regret having mine but sometimes you just want an adult conversation with someone who doesn't think that anecdotes of motherhood is all you have to offer.
Can you tell I'm in a stinking mood? hahaahahaahahahaha

[LoudRowdyDuck]

What is his PhD in? I'm asking because in many subjects, a PhD ought to be a very flexible way of working so unless he is a scientist tied to his lab, it sounds a bit odd that he can't manage his time better. If you're doing 90% of the housework that is just not on, you'll be exhausted. I know a few people who're working and also studying, and your DP's attitude isn't the norm.

[mamatomany]

My DH "works from home" and because we have a 6 month old that is now the local Costa, i think he may have registered it with HMRC as his business address seriously it should not be you staying out the way during the day, has he a laptop ? if so there's the library, cafes etc HE needs to go out.

[Gherkinsmummy]

I'm not defending him just repeating his arguments - he has all his books here which he needs to refer to unless he goes to a specialist library (he's studying cinema). He gets quite a generous studentship, which is why it had to be now.

The festival, on the other hand, he was talked into doing this year by friends appealing to his ego - I said I thought next year would be better but they promised to help out loads, of course it hasn't worked that way. I know he's not happy either - our DS had forgotten him the last time he was away for a week.

He rang - predictably no real explanation, missed the last train and just didn't think I'd be worried!

[mamatomany]

He's studying cinema to Phd level ? Is this going to lead to a career that will support a family or is he indulging a hobby (don't mean to sound harsh but i expected it would be something else).

[Gherkinsmummy]

He's a published writer, lecturer and cinema programmer, so the PhD will lead to an academic posting (hopefully) and a steady income! His studentship is already more than most writers earn.

[LoudRowdyDuck]

Gherkin, I think your DH's argument is rubbish, to be honest. If he needs to go to a specialist library, he should go. He surely cannot have that many books at home, unless his studentship was phenomenally generous.

I study at home and have my books and paperwork here, but I can't imagine a situation in which I couldn't organize my time so as to work outside the flat for at least some of the time. I can't help suspecting your DH is rather overstating his needs here, because it's nice and convenient for him to work in your cosy home.

[LoudRowdyDuck]

mama, a PhD studentship can be quite a lot. I earn more than DH off mine.

[pooka]

Are you in London? If so then there the bfi library that he could use as his 'office'. But most cities have university libraries within which there'llmorecthan likely be a cinema/film section. Or a faculty library that could be his base camp. I studied f&tv at Glasgow but used the bfi library during holidays, when I couldnt access faculty library as lived in London.

[LittlePickleHead]

Gherkinsmummy I can totally empathise with you and went through very similar with my DP (though in different situations). I too found it really hard adjusting to the lack of social life and felt really isolated from the fun my friends were having (even though it didn't bother me at all when pregnant).

DP obviously felt the same thing, and unfortunately when they are the one going out of the house and doing other things, it is far easier for them to just go ahead and take part in the life they feel they are missing out on, whilst we are stuck at home with no choice. There were several occassions where I too would wake up in the early hours with DP not there, after him swearing he would be back by midnight. Usually it was because he was getting drunk and falling asleep on the train and ending up in some random place. Totally unacceptable and unfair.

I posted under a different name at the time about how I didn't know if I should stay with him, DD was 4 months at the time as well. I really felt like having a baby had meant the end of my life and my relationship :(
I had some really good advice about not making any rash decisions about the relationship and to work on communicating and letting DP know just how out of order his behaviour and attitude was. I would be surprised if any relationship didn't suffer during the first year though, all my friends have said similar.

Now DD is nearly 2, and it is SO much better. It did all come to a head with DP, but now we are much more equal, and I make sure I have as much of a social life (if not more) than he does. I found being off work the hardest time, once I was back everything started to feel more normal and more equal. Please think very seriously about giving up your job if you are not sure. You have to have YOUR life as yourself as well as being a mother.

Having a baby is without a doubt on of the hardest things in the world, and what you are doing by staying at home and looking after the house IMO is actually the toughest of the two options.

[Gherkinsmummy]

Thank you LPH - you make a lot of sense. I am very uncertain about the move, and will think long and hard about it, but have to go now as we're about to go out and my own little pickle is screaming with rage in his buggy!

[midnightoil]

Maybe another gentle reminder of that conversation would be in order. perfumedlife is also right , there is never a right time for a mini babyshaped meteor to hit. You need to find your own groove. Its weird but there is almost a grieving process involved in having a child.... I know it sounds weird but with a birth of a baby (joyful and momentus) comes the death of an old life, and old perceptions.

Mourn the death of those and look forward to the new life with you being a mum, with or without dp you will cope, it just depends how quickly you both get through this grieving process for the life you had, and see it as a new one. it is normal, and whatever happens there is a life, a long and more fulfilling one as long as you make the right choices for you first and foremost.

Don't panda to his grieving process, just show him how it should be done. You get used to it, you cope eventually having lost something or gained something... and this case you have lost and gained one of the most important lessons in yours and his life. Take the reigns and show him now what needs to be done to make it better, and if he can't then he will find something else to grieve about, he'll have missed the point completely and will only regret that for the rest of his life. There is nothing for you to lose if you make the choices to keep you and your son happy. no more of this talk about never having had him, his little perceptions of life come from you now. your partner has some fast growing up to do.So its you and baby till he gets over himself. or not. either way you have your future bundled up next to you. You will never have any regrets about your son. If you had not had him your relationship may or may not have lasted in the long term with your dp. Who knows, but you can be sure it will be one you will have thick or thin with your son.

[grumpypumpkin]

Brilliant post midnight!
I also have a baby of similar age, and a partner who thinks I have the life of Riley, going out for lunches etc while he goes to work. He thinks I am being self indulgent when I ask if I am a good mother, doing a good job? But you really need to know that it is work that is appreciated and that it's valued.

[Gherkinsmummy]

Midnight that's so true. And women are expected to squeeze into a mother shaped box, no matter what they did before. I think I most resent DP when he implies that his work is more important than mine.

He called again to say sorry..