Faked orgasm... how do I rectify this?

[Nameynamechanger]

Can't seem to have an orgasm these days. I need a long build-up and then I get stressed about how long I'm taking and of course that puts me right out of 'the zone'. Plus he doesn't really know what he's doing :( DH and I are each other's only partners so neither of us are very experienced here. I try and tell him how to do things but I don't want him to feel like he can't do anything right, bless him, and don't want to sound like I'm constantly criticizing. Also we both seem to be very shy in talking about sex - this isn't healthy and I would like to discuss things with him but how do you go from 13 years of not discussing it to suddenly saying "darling, here's what I'd like you to do" overnight?! I try but I find it embarrassing! We had a loooooong period of celibacy (no libido due to exhaustion from kids) but I feel like we are just starting to get our groove back a bit. But it's not good yet (I don't climax and I don't get anything from penetration). Anyway, the other night I faked an orgasm and feel terrible about it. I'm not sure why I did - I felt bad that I was taking too long and didn't want him to be disheartened, I guess. Now, of course that was a stupid thing to do and had I thought about it I would never have done it, as obviously it doesn't solve the problem. So, my question is - what do I do now?! I don't want to tell the poor man that I faked it but is he going to be expecting it to be that quick every time?! I keep telling him that I need him to slow down but surely he will he think "well you managed without being slow last time, so what's wrong this time?" If he thinks that I orgasmed from what he did last time then he's just going to think that what he did was fine - which it wasn't.

Heck, sorry that was so long.

[Hullygully]

Can't you tell him that you find it all horribly difficult and embarrassing but...and then tell him the truth in a lovely kind way? Most women are the same as you, and most men do need telling, honest!

[Hullygully]

(You don't have to specifically say you faked, just say you get all uptight and worried about how long etc etc)

[Malificence]

Simply say that your responses have changed as you have got older ( which does happen for all women - something that worked well at 25 will probably not work at 40) and you need to try some different techniques, encourage him by saying that you want sex to be better for both of you.

Pressuring yourself to have an orgasm is a guaranteed way not to have one - you need to slow down and learn how to enjoy sexual feelings again.
If you say you don't get anything from penetration you need to find a position where you will get something from it - either on your back with hips up on a pillow / you on top with him at a good angle / on all fours with head down and bum up - and use lube , lots of it .

Sex is meant to be fun.

[Gay40]

You could start by mentioning that not all orgasms take the same time to arrive. Also, the majority of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone (some can).
But I do foresee a problem with faking it. Better to tell him straight away why you did, and then put both of your energies into more foreplay. And he's not allowed to orgasm before you do (in a non-pressurised way).

[allgonebellyup]

Malificence - that was a bit harsh, wasnt it??????

Whats wrong with a sex toy when you want to cum?

[Mummiehunnie]

What exactly do you both contribute to your sex life? Is it the same old positions etc?

[Malificence]

Not harsh at all, it's a regular spamming troll who gets paid per click.

If people don't click on the links , the troll will soon vamoose to a more gullible audience

[fizzfiend]

....the answer for me was to close my eyes and fantasise...whatever turns you on....

make sure your phone is switched off...door firmly closed....one glass of wine down your neck....

don't fake any more tho..if he asks why you didn't orgasm, just say that it honestly doesn't matter, that you love the closeness and intimacy....and that it feels AMAZING! (Even if it doesn't)

[Nameynamechanger]

Thanks, everyone! Hully, you are right, I should just say that yes it's embarrassing but blah blah blah. Maybe after a few glasses of wine... :)

Malificence, I feel a bit to ask but do most women really get physical pleasure from penetration? I can understand the psychological pleasure but if it's not hitting the right nerves then... well it doesn't do anything for me. Does that mean we are doing it wrong or just that's what I'm like?!

fizzfiend, if I tell him something is amazing when it isn't, that isn't going to solve the problem either though...? That seems as poitnless as faking it...? Thanks for your thoughts though, I appreciate it!

Mummiehunnie, er not much really I think because we are both pretty inexperienced we don't really know what else to do. Perhaps that is the problem - it's a bit too predictable?

You know what I think I can't shake the idea of? 'Nice girls don't talk about sex'. I'm being utterly ridiculous when I say that, I realise, and if somebody said that to me I would tell them not to be so stupid. But I don't want him to be shocked by me. Though he might love it, I guess :)

If somebody else posted all this I would just think "get over yourself".

[Cyb]

one word

oral

[Gay40]

Most women get physical pleasure from penetration but only the minority can orgasm solely from this. Most need something else going on beforehand or during.

And believe me.....nice girls DO talk about sex. If they want good sex, that is.

[santascoming2town]

Can you just show him what to do? take his hand, put it right where you want it and then you can say faster/slower etc and when he hears it clearly works he won't mind at all and will be encouraged for next time.

You can always ask him to show you what he likes 1st and then he will be even happier when its your turn.

[Mummiehunnie]

have you ever looked at any manuals together?

[Anabellesmumanddad]

I think as many as 75% of woman need external stimulation to come as penetration alone doesn't do it. (It doesn't for me!).

Another idea is for one of you to be blindfolded. It helps people feel less embarrassed if they can't see the other persons reaction.

One tactic might be to say; 'hey let's try something different' and you take the lead and just have fun, explore, do oral, spank him, fingers in surprising places ;-) My dp was surprised but pleasantly so! You could watch porn together and point out stuff that looks 'fun'.

I would highly recommend you stop faking immediately as that won't help. Sometimes I can't come but I let my dp know and we just carry on until he does. But faking it is a bit of a slippery slope. It would be awful for him if he found out. especially if you keep doing it.

[QuietTiger]

How about getting the game "Monogamy" and seeing where it takes you? (With several bottles of wine ).

I was DH's 1st and although he's relaxed enough to suggest different things he can be a bit reserved, so I found that Monogamy made it "OK" for DH to really discuss stuff because it was "only a game". (and we had a lot of laughs too).

It takes the embarrassment out of the discussion IYSWIM.

[biryani]

I think an embarrassment in talking about sex is more common than you think, so please don't feel awkward about it. Also, the press hype up other people's (fab) sex lives so much that anyone who isn't at it like a rabbit is bound to feel insecure. Perhaps you could try being a bit more relaxed, try something out for fun and see where it takes you.

[BibiThree]

It is worth having the initial embarassing covnersation about how you think your sex lives could be improved.
Then agree on some early nights where you just hold each other, stroke, touch etc, get to know each other's bodies again, but with no pressure to continue onto sex.
Then move on to more pleasurable activities, find out what you both like and don't like the feel of, and agree beforehand no offence will be taken to one of you saying "no, not that".
Don't put the pressure on yourselves to have amazing sex right off, it will take time and lots of patience and possibly embarassment, but once you're over those, things will get a lot better.
Good luck and don't give up!