Narcissistic Rage

[ilovehens]

How do you cope with it?

I am shortly going to be in the position where I will be provoking this in my ExP. It is entirely unavoidable and I need to stand up to him for ds sake.

What do you tell yourself about the narcissists rage and being on the receiving end of it?

ExP is vindictive and bitter.

[Gettingagrip]

Ha! I have just had this today with my mother. DO you really have to do whatever it is? Can it not be avoided?

[Fizzywaterlover]

I coped with it by reminding myself that the person in question was behaving in an irrational way, and it was not MY problem, it was hers, and if she chose to behave like that, then good luck to her.

But that was not an ex-partner. I do NOT envy you.

Keep remidning yourself that they are not rational, and do not let this person twist it into being your fault.

[IfGraceAsks]

Well done you :) I'm assuming you know what you're up against and would have avoided it if you could. The knowing is the thing - so you'll be okay.

Just my suggestion: watch it with detached interest. I always think of a particular night in the Alps, when I went outside to watch a lightning storm rage across the surface of a lake. Terrifying power, lethal if you get too close, but ... a force of nature, nothing to do with me, and quite fascinating.

Don't respond. You know it makes no difference what you say. Do some umms & uh-huhs, so he doesn't think you're not paying attention

It will blow over, just like the storm. Make sure you ay something affirming AT THE END, like "I can see you're upset" or "I take your point". He'll be knackered and confused, so make a tactical exit.

Obv, if he's physically violent you need to put a locked door between you before he flips.

Good luck!!!

[ilovehens]

Thanks for the replies.

It's not something that I can avoid, but I won't be facing him in person - will have to do it by letter, but I know he's going to go ballistic. I find it difficult to psychologically distance myself and just get stressed as a result.

I will send the letter next week and let you know how I get on.

[NicknameTaken]

I don't suppose you could subtly direct his vindictiveness do you? Write "I know you'll be upset, but please don't do XYZ!" when XYZ isn't something you really care about? Part of me used to find it almost funny when my ex used to start screaming at me that I was a fat crybaby who slept too much. I didn't those insults were particularly hurtful, but my ex clearly thought he was wounding me horribly.

Even if it doesn't work, looking at his rage from an intellectual distance (which you are clearly already doing) is a way of protecting yourself.

[ilovehens]

Oh, I didn't think of that. Not a bad idea.

What I have to explain to him is that ds can't visit at new year because he's asked to stay at home as some relatives are visiting and he's dying to see them. Also, ds needs to see the hospital consultant before he visits again because ExP is putting his health at risk.

So, I don't know what to say really as him not going to visit ExP will cause a small nuclear explosion and will unlease terrible forces upon me He has had him extra days during the year, so he does kind of owe some time back really, but he won't see it like that because he is so bloody important in his own mind of course.

He used to take me to court all the time to punish me for standing up to him, but that didn't work, so he tries to turn ds against me.

[ilovehens]

I usually maintain a strict 'no contact' rule because any attention at all gives him great pleasure.

I'll be glad when I'm rid of him when ds is a little older. He can make up his own mind when he sees him then.

[NicknameTaken]

You have my sympathies, ilovehens. I suppose the only hope is that your ex will have planned some exciting New Year activity for himself. You couldn't try bossily ordering him to have your DS over NY so that he'll push back and refuse to have him? Risky strategy, I suppose.

[Gettingagrip]

I like Nickname's idea.

The thing about these narcs is that they are very stupid, but think we are stupid. So that strategy might just work.

If not, could DS just be ill at the last minute?

I am all for reducing any chance for them to get on their high horses.

I had an issue with my mother this week. She had said something (well went on and on about it actually)that totally undermined two years of my patient persuasion with one of my DC. I was so angry with her. I debated whether to say anything to her as I knew it would get blown up out of all proportion, but then I thought, well if she carries on in this vein she really will put DS off this very important decision.

So I called her up and asked her very politely not to say that again to him. Of course she went off the deep end. All the usual crap. So I just said I wasn't getting into all that with her and put the phone down.

A few years ago I would have been very upset, now I just think it's her problem.

It is very tiring though having to think through every little communication with them.

[ilovehens]

I agree, it is extremely tiring and trying to figure out all the plotting and manipulation is as well.

My ds has just had a birthday and ExP has, apparently, sent him a card, but nothing has arrived. This could mean either he has sent a card and it really hasn't arrived........

Or, he is just pretending that he's sent a card, but hasn't really, then will tell ds when he's next down that mummy isn't giving ds his mail from his dear daddy! Another strategy to turn ds against me. Paranoid? Perhaps, but I do know him and his disordered ways and I wouldn't put it past him.

I have explained to ds that nothing has turned up and I've given him the cards from ExPs other relatives, so will just have to hope that he trusts in the truth.

Sorry that you're having problems with your mother. I dumped my own mother 12 years ago due to the abuse she was handing out. Best thing I ever did.

[ilovehens]

nickname - I can't do that because he's dependant upon the supply he gets from ds and always likes him to go there regardless of other stuff he'd like to do. He offloads ds onto his mother for babysitting more often than not when he is there.

[NicknameTaken]

Yeah, my suggestion was slightly tongue-in-cheek. On one level, I think it's better to avoid being dragged into game-paying. You'll just have to weather the storm. But if he crosses a line with his revenge (eg. not sending DS back to you when he's due back), then stamp on it instantly. You have my every sympathy.

[matildarosepink]

Ah, sounds like you'll manage to stay adult. People will sometimes have tantrums because others will either pander to it or become parent-like (v tempting). Have you read 'I'm OK, You're OK'? Very interesting analysis of this kind of behaviour, and will help you maintain the distance on it that so many are recommending (and I agree!)

Just because he has a temper doesn't mean he gets to run the show or even have an audience.

I like the suggestion someone made about acknowledging his possible disappointment (though he's had his allotted amount of contact throughout the year). However, it's good to give notice on these things so he's got time to make other plans..

[Gettingagrip]

ilovehens....(so do I!) , my mother is very elderly now so I will just put up with it until she conks out.

In the last few years after I had my lightbulb moment with her and her stupid games I have had a couple of issues involving my DC. Her trying to turn them against me etc. I have told her to stop it...well huge row actually! She has behaved herself (ish) since then.

I knew this was going to cause a problem. Normal people would just have said 'oh I am sorry, I didn't realise...it won't happen again'. But she a) denied she said it b) said she didn't mean it c) said it again in a different way d) started to attack me e) turned on the tears f) went into full-on victim mode.

I put the phone down in the end. She won't speak to me now for ages....previously I would be feeling terrible...now I just think..it's her problem.

It truly is Shit.

[confusing]

Do Narcissistic people ever go through the apology phase towards the person they are angry with?

[confusing]

GettingaGrip - do they, as you say, deny they did anything wrong, blame it all on you and that you are the problem, will never apologise, deny that the things you are upset about even happened at all, and that they are totally blameless and they are the calm party and you are the aggressive one?

[Gettingagrip]

Yes!

[confusing]

Make you feel you are going mad.And, have you experienced ending up being a very angry person yourself, someone you just don't recognise, which further confirms your fears that you are, as they suggest, mad? Or is it just me.

[ilovehens]

My ExP only apologised when he wanted something out of me Highly manipulative person.

I am a very different person due to him. I don't recognise myself at all now due to being so cynical and distrusting. I am very angry as well.

[confusing]

What about when someone NEVER apologises because they are blameless? ilovehens-did you find your ex to be cynical about life, about nice things like love etc...,making you doubt how you have always felt about things and the beliefs you have as a person?

[confusing]

H is becoming very angry/vindictive towards me now he wants rid of me from his life.

[confusing]

I am trying to deal with his hatred towards me, try to work it out in my head, and then it gets too much for my brain to handle.

[Gettingagrip]

Your reactions are all the reactions one would esperience when dealing with a narc.

Think Gillian Mackieth... With Knobs On...and you get some idea of what it is to deal with a narc in your day-to-day life.

Who is it that you are having problems with?

[maledetta]

How interesting Confusing, you must know DS' father! I have just spent the last year picking apart and trying to work out what I did wrong to make him behave like that towards me (and his baby). You have just written the list of his tactics (apart from the cynicism- no, he finds "luurrve" a good tactic for hooking women in...)

[confusing]

Yes 'love' is very useful to display, especially initially (now I am cynical!). Really confused about alot of stuff. Hence nickname.