withholding information or lying?

[simperingwhimperingchild]

Am feeling a bit wretched and furious with dp who failed to tell me that a new employee (he's the boss) is an ex and that she accompanied him on a business trip.
I found out after they returned and still he didn't tell me she was an ex until I put two and two together in the middle of last night, did some middle of the night googling and realised who she was.

I confronted him (he was away on another trip - with her AGAIN!) did the whole 'why didn't you tell me and don't give me that "because I knew you'd be like this" crap'.
He did little to reassure me but it was even later in the middle of the night where he was

He's back tonight and I am still reeling.
Not sure where to go from here...

[glitzy]

Oh thats a hard one! See, if it were me, and I had a new employee, and he happened to be an ex, and I had to go on business trips with him, I dont think id be that keen to tell my DH either (and thats without it being any specific ex or anything). I just know by telling him, it would make a whole load of issues that would be totally unneccessary.

But...

If my DH were in the same situation as yours is, and I found out, I would not be happy either!

Double standards bigtime... so I cant advise really.

[mamas12]

So did he employ her then?

[roses2]

Did he hire her then?

[msboogie]

need more info in order to make a proper assessment, did he hire her? did she need to go on this trip? how did they spilt? that kind of stuff.

but IMO withholding info like that is lying; lying by omission.

[clam]

What sort of ex? Who split with whom?

[fluffles]

hmm... depends really, i wouldn't be bothered if DH worked with an ex or went on trips with her (am personally friends with a couple of exes and their new wives/partners) but it sounds to me like there's backstory to this and you don't trust your DH for some other reason??

[tastetherainbow]

that is tricky, i can only give you my advice. If it was me i wouldnt be happy especially if he is the one that employed her. He wouldnt like it if it was the other way around, how long have you been with him for. What you have to think of now is, if he is the boss...he cannot just leave his job. he cant just sack her because how you feel so you are pretty much going to have to put up with it.

[tastetherainbow]

i quite like this this is juicy!!!

[atswimtwolengths]

Not for the OP, tastetherainbow.

[Elmtree1Ems]

I too would be a little weirded out if he employed her. But then again...if she was the best person for the job and he didn't employ her as thye had a previous connection isn't that against some sort of employment law?

Still it seems weird he didn't say. I know some guys don't like to deal with this sort of tihng and so bury their head in the sand as they worry it will look odd. Of course by not being open about it from the word go it makes him look shifty, but I would imagine it is innocent, unless you have other reasons not to trust him.

[simperingwhimperingchild]

Yes he did employ her and I thought (or it is possible that I wasn't paying attention) that she had a connection with someone else who works for him.

No I don't have (or haven't had) any reason not to trust him which makes it all the stranger.

We've been together 7 years and he was only single for a year or so before that so she's a recent(ish) ex and I had no idea that he was still in contact with her which presumably he must have been.

I don't like it.

[sugargirl1]

I don't like it either OP. What was he thinking? It's not fair that he hasn't even given you a chance to be reasonable by not telling you about her. He's just assumed you would be upset - and surprise surprise takes the higher ground when you explain that you are.
Try not to yell and scream at him when he comes home - just calmly explain how dissapointed you are that he would chose not to tell you about his ex working with him and then subsequently them going away together. See what he says - if he's contrite and immediately apologetic then there's definetly hope. If he gets defensive and tries to make you sound like the crazy person - calmly tell him you don't appreciate being spoken to like that - and when he can have an adult conversation about your relationship you wil be willing and ready to listen. He has to respect you enough to accept your feelings even if he doesn't understand them.
Good luck.

[Elmtree1Ems]

Or just smile and say it's ok and then go out for a friendly drink with an ex. Lol. Bet that would go down like a cup of cold sick.

Ok so thats childish kindda but the point is It's so much easier for people to take the high ground when it isn't them who is having to feel uncomfortable.

[LadyLapsang]

Well unless they work in a very specialised industry where there is only a tiny pool of people to choose from, then I think this is v v strange. If he has been open about being in contact in the ensuing years since they split up I think I would be less suspicious somehow. Think someone is still holding a flame ....

[simperingwhimperingchild]

Yes LadyL he does...

I got his story which was he was never in love with her and she finished it because he wouldn't take it any further.
He made conscious decision not to tell me as he knew I wouldn't like it and clearly regrets that.

The fall out from this doesn't just affect me as dd (18) heard the state I was in last night and has now turned against him.
this is awful - we are about to move home.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

He is so out of order. If he was really concerned about your reaction he would have spoken to you before he hired her. He says he didn't tell you because he "knew" how you would react, so was he planning to keep it a secret forever? Did he really expect that you wouldn't find out?

[SheWillBeLoved]

If he knew you wouldn't like it, he shouldn't have bloody done it, should he? I'm sure she wasn't the only applicant. Yet he chose to hire her, take her on business trips, and keep it from you for god knows how long.

Maybe he needs to sit back and ask himself what his motives were for hiring her, other than professional.

[msboogie]

well, hiring her isn't the issue, if he worked in say, the construction industry, that's quite a small world and everyone moves around and knows everyone else. Why shouldn't he hire her if she was the best person for the job?

What is dodgy is him not telling you, and his expressed reason for not doing so. Unless you have bunny boiler tendencies OP I think you may have a valid grievance. However, you say your daughter heard the state you were in - given you don't actually know he has done anything wrong why would you be in a state?

[StuffingGoldBrass]

He dumped this woman eight years ago. You have had no reason to doubt his commitment to monogamy before this.
She may well have applied for the job without either of them realising who each other was - while I am not sure it would be illegal for him to refuse her the job on the grounds that his wife might have a monogamist tantrum, it would certainly be unethical.
Sorry but get over yourself.

[simperingwhimperingchild]

Apparently the reason they've stayed in contact is because they are in same industry and would bump into each other occasionally.

And SGB she dumped him.

I was in state because I was so angry/upset about discovering the deceit.

And... no job was advertised he just got her on board. Is that worse?

[msboogie]

maybe but OP, if they were in touch anyway he wouldn't need to get her on board in order to have an affair with her, would he? In fact doing so would actually make an affair a bit more complicated since there are a lot more people to hide it from and various other complications.

[gingerwig]

I think your reaction is over the top and agree with SGB

[StuffingGoldBrass]

So they are in the same industry. He harbours no bad feelings about her. She is, presumably, good at the job she has been hired to do. WHy on earth would he not hire her?

'Oh, Wifey will have a hissy fit.' SOrry but that's not a good reason to try and do someone out of a job. Like I said, get over yourself. Have you got form for irrational whining jealousy, by any chance?

[aurynne]

SGB, I don't think the issue here is the appropriateness or not to hire her... but the secretiveness. If I was an employer and one of my exes applied for the job, I would make sure to mention it to my DP as soon as I learned about it, and talk with him about how he would feel about it. Keeping this information secret during all the appointment process, interviews, start of work and business trips together sounds very suspicious and a breach of trust for me.

[sugargirl1]

Whether you agree with it or not the OP is clearly upset by the deceit - which I can understand. I don't think you're being unreasonable - it's not about why he hired her it's about why he chose not to tell you. Advice to just 'get over yourself' isn't constructive in any way. OP keep talking to your DH - I think that's the only way you're going to feel able to get past this.