Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I NEVER want to speak or see my Ex again

(31 Posts)
NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 09:21:20

A bit of Background.

My Ex-Fiancee and I were engaged, everything was happy, we were working brilliantly I thought.
We were both working and saving towards a house deposit, essentially everything was happy and I was in first non-abusive relationship of my life!

Our split came when during some bickering about something inconsequential, she completely lost it and started sobbing and confessed to having been sleeping with at least 4 different people the entire time she had been working in her office. (Essentially the entire lenght of our time together of 3 years)

We broke up, she moved out and then a few weeks later tried to convince me to come back to her saying she had changed and would never do anything like this again.

while that was going on, one of the people she was sleeping with from work, got hold of my number from her and phoned me, essentially exposing her "I've Changed" nonsense as the shit it was and she was still sleeping with those 4 guys seperatley and sometimes together (I had to try really, REALLY hard not to be sick at that bit of information..)

I told her no, If she wanted we could be friends but never anything more, she got VERY upset by this and responsed by Posting rather intimate details and pictures of us on her facebook wall.

On that I told her no contact, ever again, I neither wanted to speak to or see her ever again, cue more screaming and crying.

She has been in touch today though (Hence the soul searching and bearing it all for people too see.) She believes that since she was able to GET me my job, half of all the savings in my account belong too her, and until she gets the money she is due I will never be rid of her.

*sigh of relief* That is everything! Comments and Advice are welcome, although I just needed to get this off my chest before I lept off a bridge!

ConstanceFelicity Wed 24-Nov-10 09:23:56

She is nuts and you owe her nothing.
<<hugs>>

send a solicitors letter

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 24-Nov-10 09:29:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abedelia Wed 24-Nov-10 09:30:42

The facebook thing is illegal and she can be prosecuted: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/811 2576/Spurned-lover-publishes-sex-photographs-of-ex -girlfriend-on-Facebook.html

IamKatiePrice Wed 24-Nov-10 09:31:36

um

DuelingFanio Wed 24-Nov-10 09:32:05

change your number.

if she didn't put any money in the account then she can't claim it.

unless of course by 'We were both working and saving towards a house deposit' you mean you were both saving together in which case she could have a claim and if she has evidence that she put money in then she could make a legal claim.

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 09:36:49

DuelingFanjo
All i meant by that was that we were both saving, but in our own accounts?

She did bring up the subject of the joint account, but that never sat right with me so I always refused.

WHAT? Nutter alert!

Print off the FB pages for proof, save all emails/voicemails etc, and go and see the CAB.

As I am sure you know, we are mostly women here, and very often it is a woman here telling us the woes and dreadful treatment they receive at the hands of a man.

If we were advising one of our own we would tell you that this is nothing you have done, you are in shock, clearly, as anyone would be, but that this will pass. We'd tell you to run as far and as far as possible away from this creature and never, ever look back! That advice still stands for you. smile

Thank god you found out now, before you bought house, got married or had kids.

Count yourself lucky, you don't need to have anything to do with this woman ever again, get some legal advice, get a solicitor's letter sent to her warning her of the dire consequences of harassment. Oh and you know that the friends thing is not going to happen now, don't you. You do need to cut all contact and you do need to have it enforced if she won't respect that.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of, this is no reflection on you.

<<<hugs>>>

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 09:47:33

Of course, I have done that at the momment.

I refuse to talk or have any contact of any kind through her, Luckily all my friends have been good and cut her out too, so I deffinetly have a good support network with my friends!

Thank you for the replies and the advice! smile

Although, about the facebook photos, I am a little bit nervous about that, since well, you can't actually tell that it's me due to my face being covered blush but i know for a fact it is me..Thats why im worried about reporting it

malinkey Wed 24-Nov-10 09:50:19

"I was in first non-abusive relationship of my life" - sounds like you need to be on your own for a while and work out why you are always in abusive relationships.

DuelingFanio Wed 24-Nov-10 09:57:17

In that case she has no legal claim.

How old are you NerdyFace? What abusive relationships? Agree with malinkey, you need some space and introflection as to why this is a recurring issue, but if you can bear to share more with us, we may be able to point you in the right direction to try and help you tackle this.

Do print off the FB pages, you can decide to use them as a last resort.

My guess is that this woman will get a solicitor's letter, and she will get the message and leave you alone.

Only if she refuses to leave it, do you need to call in the big guns.

This is about you arming yourself with the biggest weapons you can, IN CASE you ever need to use them.

Glad to hear your friends are being supportive, that is how they are supposed to be, and how all of us here feel for you too.

The money in your account is yours, the right to be left alone, the right not to have your photos splashed all over the web, being insulted publicly, are all yours too.

Go see the CAB, get a free hour from a solicitor.

Change your phone number and your email.

Hoping she doesn't contact you at work.. if she does, block her address if you can, or speak to HR if it really doesn't go away.

I'm guessing it won't get that far, but I'm thinking worst case scenario, so you know what to plan for if the situation arises.

StuffingGoldBrass Wed 24-Nov-10 10:03:00

You do not have to ahve any contact with her again and can have her charged with harassment if she continues to make contact attempts.
I owuld not waste too much energy on the Facebook photos if your face isn't in them - devotethat energy into working out, perhaps with the help of a counsellor, why your nutter radar is so fucked (never having had a non-abusive relationship is something you need to address) - and make a promise to yourself not to date anyone for at least a year while you sort out some healthy boundaries for yourself.

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 10:11:38

Well, My last relationship before her was actually my introduction to dating and that was fucked up beyond all measure.

LittleMissHissyFit I don't mind sharing at all, before i met my current Ex i had been single for a year. Also i'm 23.

The relationship before lasted from when i was 16-19 and was formed around my then addiction to heroin which if im honest didn't put me in the best frame of mind to make decisions.

In the relationship before my latest Ex i was essentially used and abused for my partners drug habit aswell as my own.

I am fortunately now clean but some of it still affects me, in the respect that i'm probably FAR too trusting and easily led, my memory is awful and I can be difficult to live with at times.

I think your right though, some time to myself is the most important right now, rather than focusing on her i should be focusing on me.

You are 23, you have survived a serious addiction and are clean! Woo HOO! Well done!

Everyone is difficult to live with at times, don't beat yourself up, you have overcome so much for someone so young.

Let 2011 be YOUR year, where you focus on you, your job, your life and building friendships with decent people. Hang back a bit, observe and weigh them up, see if they are positive forces in your life before you get overly involved.

Have you had any post addiction counselling? Is such a thing available? Could you contact a drug charity and find out if there is someone you could talk things through with?

tb Wed 24-Nov-10 12:20:48

Also, as well as the legal stuff it might be worth getting yourself checked for sti's. If she's been sleeping with others she could have picked up something.

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 12:23:10

no, nothing at all like that really.

She beat the shit out of me one day (Had used the last of the Heroin apparently!), left me with a black eye, two chipped and one missing tooth and some nasty scars on my back and thought "I want something better than this..".

Went to a friends house and stayed with him till I was clean!

Aside from some friends i never told many people at the time!..Only now am i coming to terms with being able to talk about it!

Well, 2011 will be the start of my uni course!..So hopefully it will be my year! grin

Looks like it could just be your year!

tb, good call on the stis, get yourself checked, better you get the all clear for sure than assume you are.

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 12:39:27

I will do!

Thanks for the advice everyone, being young and male i wasn't entirely sure of the response i would get!!

But im glad it was so positive and helpful!

She is a nutter. Unless she's sort sort of recruitment agency with whom you have a contract, she's not entitled to anything you've earnt!

Congratulations on being clean, getting into Uni and breaking up with this idiot of a fiancee. I hope you get the new start you deserve.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Nov-10 13:36:31

Just being young and male doesn't mean you will get a bad reaction on Mumsnet !

Good luck with your Uni course

oh absolutely, <agrees with AF> being young, male, single and on MN will not get you a bad reaction on MN...

Ooh, young man....

<old gimmer>

AnyFucker Wed 24-Nov-10 14:07:22

stopppp ittttt, HerHissyness grin

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 14:07:41

Hahahah!! blush

It was just, I see a lot of critical reaction to men in Threads, but I should realise those men DO something to be talked about in the way they are!!

There is the thing about me not being a parent! Although I do like this website, it's good to get other peoples opinions, it really helps smile

AnyFucker Wed 24-Nov-10 14:10:20

You will be a parent one day, I assume

There are quite a few regulars on here, who don't have children

Only fuckwits (of either sex) get a negative reaction wink

NerdyFace Wed 24-Nov-10 14:12:14

Hopefully, even my shit experiences haven't stopped me wanting to be a Parent!

Infact Marriage+Kids is "Goal No.1" on my list of things to achieve!

We are lovely. Honest.

We don't take crap, and we don't put up with people that treat others badly. Regardless of gender. We don't do fluffy banners, moderation or text speak. grin We do Friday night threads, drunk threads and general silly bugger threads.

We do have blokes on here, quite a few, and we have lots of non-parents.

If you enjoy being here, stick around. grin

<whispers> young man...

Plenty of time Nerdy, enjoy life first, get an educashun... grin

[old enough to be your mum emoticon]

prettyfly1 Wed 24-Nov-10 14:47:19

Nerdy well done on getting clean and sorted. Get a solicitors letter asap and get on with your life. Having a child and family should maybe not be goal number one right now - perhaps getting yourself into a place where you can be a great man, then a great partner in a healthy relationship and then a great father, would be the best way to go (pretty feels like old lady)......

StuffingGoldBrass Wed 24-Nov-10 17:19:32

Nerdy: It's not uncommon for people who have had a shitty time to yearn for marriage'n'parenthood - when actually it's the last thing you should be looking for unless and until you are sorted out in yourself, like yourself and are in fact capable of living comfortably and happily on your own.
Desperation for commitment and babies is dangerous as it blinds you to the faults in people who seem to be offering it to you, because people who are desperate and clingy or very vulnerable are offputting to nice people but an absolute magnet to abusive ones. Hence your going from one nutjob to another.
YOu are very young, there is plenty of time to work out whether you actually do want to marry and breed - and shitloads of time in which to make sure that, if this is what you want, you choose someone nice to do it with.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now