inappropriate or romantic?

[mashnbeans]

(name changer - sorry!)

my story in brief

h and are have been split for 6 months (he left for another woman) there is no hope of a reconciliation.

a few weeks go i get a surprise visit from the man who was the usher at our wedding (he lives in the USA and was over here on business)i have known him for over 11 years. he himself has been separated from him his wife for 18 months (she still wants the marriage to work but he does not want to reconcile - he left her, not sure under what circumstances tbh)

he shows up at my door in a very romantic way - nothing happened that night, he was kind and was enquiring over my welfare since h had left (basically i think he was testing the waters) he then goes home to USA and he has been emailing me since and it is very clear that he has feelings for me - I think i might have feelings for him (but it could be just that i am flattered by the attention?? )

if you take out of the equation that he lives the other side of the world (there is a chance he could move back to the UK - he is English) is this an inappropriate relationship???

1. he is not yet divorced and i know his wife is desperate for them to get back together, i know her and they were family friends before they moved to USA, they have ds)
   2)is it wrong for this man and i to start something, albeit very tentative (emails/phone calls) when he was one of h's best friends????
   
   
   I have not admitted my growing feelings for him as i am not sure what they are tbh, it could be a crush????

[LittleMissHissyFit]

When he has sorted his own life out, then it'd be less Ew.

TNBH, I think he IS testing the waters, he is having a sniff, it happens a lot.

Don't get involved with this guy until they are divorced, you know the woman, she knows you, she will always hold you to blame for her not getting back with him, regardless of the truth.

That said, I'd be inclined to say not to get involved with him at all because he was a best friend of your XH, it's just too close to home.

[mashnbeans]

mmmm that is my gut feeling

[CheerfulV]

Ah. Piss. I'm in a vaguely similar situation, minus the usher/friends with exes bit. Is it really a bit eww? I suppose my gut instinct says the same, really.
How long should you wait for someone to sort out their previous marriage before giving up on them? What constitutes 'sorting it out', anyway?

[mashnbeans]

it is really confusing tbh - we get on so so well, but at the same time i feel just awful thinking that his wife is fighting for them 9even though they have been living apart for almost 2 years)

the thought of me being the final nail in the coffin of their relationship makes me very upset - h cheated on me and i know how crap it is (not that he is cheating really is he? ??)

[mashnbeans]

it might be a crush .... what is a crush anyway???
I can't stop thinking about him and my stomach flips at the thought of taking to him

[CheerfulV]

mash, I could have written your 19.19 post. I know exactly how you feel :( It's really confusing and conflicting...

[atswimtwolengths]

I don't think he should be out of bounds, but if I were you, I wouldn't start a relationship with him unless he was divorced. It's only respectful to her - if he does divorce her, she can't realistically think they are going to stay together.

Just interested in whether you thought of him in a romantic way before, eg when you first met him?

[mashnbeans]

atswim - i have thought about this too - when i met him i was already engaged to my h.

i think i was always aware that he might like me and i knew that he and i got on very very well. but i never fancied him because i was always extremely faithful to h. if i was single though i could have fell for him all those years ago i think.

before he moved abroad i gave him a good luck charm and he still has it all these years later - he showed it me when he came to see me.

[mashnbeans]

cheefulv - yes it is; it is doing my head in tbh.
i sway from thinking go for it to - no be sensible people (his wife) will get hurt

[Lemonstartree]

Has he started the process of divorce? To me that is important- ie he intends to get divorced whether or not you start a relationship with him, he is no getting divorced BECAUSE you start a relationship with him....

I am getting divorced - process underway and have met a bloke - the decision to divorce was taken long before I met him, and I consider myself single and free. My STBExH knows I am filing for divorce and that we cannot reconcile.

[mashnbeans]

no he hasn't file for divorced yet.

[mashnbeans]

filed

[Lemonstartree]

Then I would leave it - (personally); ask him to contact you again when he is free...

[mashnbeans]

yes - i think is is the only right thing to do.

[AnyFucker]

Tell him to sort his marriage out first.

When he is properly available for a romantic relationship, then you re-assess

At the moment, it could be construed he thinks you are desperate for a shag/stroke his ego type of thing

If he is serious about you, he will make the way properly clear

won't he ?

[CheerfulV]

So, is the general consensus on MN that you shouldn't get involved until there has been an actual divorce, even if the person has been separated from their ex for a while? :(

[mashnbeans]

i won't chase him; (as a recent watcher of the film he is just not that into you)
he might never contact me again; but if he does i am going to tell him that i can't get involved with him whilst it is all so messy.

[mashnbeans]

no i think it is that the intention to divorce is there and that both parties have been informed

[AnyFucker]

no, V

but until it has been made very clear by "actions not just words" then you may be being used

who wants to be used ?

turning up on someone's doorstep out of the blue when they find out you are now single is a bit "off" if you ask me

particularly since he is still married

[CheerfulV]

You're right, AF. Wise words, as usual :)

[LittleMissHissyFit]

V, if Mash knows the woman, knows that she is still desperate not to lose the guy, even though they have been apart for 18m, it's just not cricket to throw all caution to the wind.

I'd put myself in the W position and I'd not be able to just dive right in, not while there is the merest whiff of impropriety. I'd want to make damned sure that everything was over and clean before I got involved. If she'd have booted him out, and wanted nothing to do with him, it may be a different story.

But the guy rocked up unannounced, on the look out, for sure. I'd want to see him walk the walk too before I potentially set myself for that potential grief.

There is every possibility that this guy could be genuine, that he may come right and it'll all be OK. He might just be marking his place, making his position clear, so as not to lose her again. He certainly seems to have feelings for Mash, so if it's all goign to be OK in the end, the big Happy Ending? Why the rush?

Mash, it may not seem too great an idea for you to hear this, but 6m is a very short time, if this guy is for real, is a serious possibility, I think that you could really benefit from spending more time getting over your XH and getting to know yourself, learning to love and nurture yourself, before letting someone else in.

Enjoy the ego boost, you seriously deserve it, but work on yourself and love yourself, as only when you do, will someone else be able to.

[AnyFucker]

at the moment, the only proven feelings he has for mash is "ooohh, I fancy my chances there..."

for some dickheads, newly-single women are fair game for predatory men

not saying this is the case here...but he should have to "walk the walk" as well as "talk"

if he is a genuinely nice guy, he will wait and sort out his marriage properly before (attempting to) put OP in a compromising position

[AnyFucker]

V, I respect your posts too, always have

[CheerfulV]

Thanks, AF.

[mashnbeans]

Thanks everyone .. it has boosted my ego that is for.sure ...