Moving in with new partner and then possibly moving away from Exh

[McCharlieMouse]

Arghh....why is life so complicated! Sorry long. I've posted in lone parents as well as its a bit of both!!

So wise mumsnetters I need a bit of advice. Currently I'm a single parent to 2.5 yr old DS. Ex H and I split up within 8 weeks of DSs birth. Ex H sees DS one night every week and then every other weekend (Sat am - Sun pm). I have an ok relationship with Ex, its civil and we discuss DS.

Much to my surprise I met a lovely man online (it does work!) about a year ago. Things have been going well and we've recently been talking about moving in together, which we are both really excited about. DP finds the stepfather role pretty scarey (understandable!) but he and DS do get on well. This weekend we started talking about the future and DP said he wants to move away from the town we live in now. He's an outdoorsy type and has always wanted to live closer to the Peak District. I sort of knew this but didn't realise how much he wanted it. I'm worried now about DP moving in as I'd never really considered moving away and am not sure I'm in position to move anyway. Obviously I don't want DP to move in then move out again. We're doing lots of talking through things (maybe too much?!) but last night got a bit emotional and we didn't know what to do.

Its all quite theoretical, DP wanting to move to the Peaks isn't an immediate thing - we're not talking next week or anything, maybe in a year or so, maybe 2 years. But basically he doesn't see his future in the town we are in now.

So advice on a couple of things....does DP move in and we see how things go. Both of us realise things might change or do we need to resolve this now?

And...I feel incredibly guilty thinking about moving DS away from his father. Ex H lives about 10 mins away at the moment. I feel quite trapped, how have other people dealt with this? How do the logistics of being somwehere in the region of 1.5hrs away from Exh work for DS visits (I would be thinking every other weekend Fri - Sun and holiday time....DS not at school yet but when he goes half of school holidays)?

Any advice/ experiences would be appreciated.
Thanks.

[BertieBotts]

I don't know if this helps at all, but when my parents split up my grandparents offered to my Mum that she could go and live near them for support. She declined due to worries about moving me & DSis away from our Dad (and Dad promised to stay in the local area to be close to us).

Fast forward around 4 years and my Dad went on a round-the-world trip with his girlfriend. When he came back (having married her en route!) they moved out of the area and bizarrely, closer to my grandparents, so if my mum had moved in the first place then we would have been closer to my Dad!

About 4 years after this my Dad decided he was emigrating to Australia. Me & DSis were devastated. Never happened in the end. But made moving to Wales seem a LOT less of a big deal!

So I guess what I'm saying is if you're basing your decisions on your ex be aware that he might also change his mind or have a change in circumstance which means that he wants/needs to move away from the area. It's probably different if you are able to be amicable with your ex though. Do you think you could sit down and discuss it with him? Maybe work out some kind of compromise e.g. agree not to move more than 2 hours' drive away?

[McCharlieMouse]

Thanks BB, yes I had considered possibility of ExH moving, it would be sods law for me to refuse to move away with DP (possibly leading to DP and I splitting) and then Ex H buggering off somewhere! I'm not sure I could discuss with ExH...we're civil but not amicable! More thinking required....

[dignified]

I dont get this , it sounds like your only an hour and a half away from the peak district at the moment anyway. If so , why do you need to move ?

If its so he can ramble over the hills in an evening thats a bit ridiculous , and the chances are he wont be doing that every night , because he,ll be living with you , presumably working ect.

Considering its only an hour and half away , why can he not just drive up there when he wants to , as opposed to you moving away from your ex , your freinds and possibly your family ?

Im wondering if hes so keen on that area why he didnt make the move when he was single ? Im a bit cynical im afraid , but attempts to move your son away from his dad wouldnt sit well with me. An hour and a half isnt much if you just want to ramble around , but i dont see how that would work for your weekly contact with ds dad , and im assuming youve got freinds ect where you are now. Out of interest how often does he go up there now ?

Your going to have to weigh this up carefully , your P isnt really considering your sons needs in this and im wondering what sort of stepfather he would be when hes already putting his own " wants " before your sons needs.

[Aussieng]

Hi op - I only have limited insight as dh and I are still together and my step child situation is so unusual as to be irrelevant but in principle , a 1.5 hour journey does not seem too bad and how you want to share custody is likely to change overtime anyway (the one night away scenario can be very hard work when there is homework / pe kits etc thrown into the mix).

Dh is Australian, something I found quite daunting when we met as I knew he wanted to return there to live some day and my thoughts on this and his thoughts on perhaps having to stay in the uk (if I did not want to go to Australia) had to be discussed before we moved the relationship on beyond a certain point. I think the key was agreeing that nothing would ever be off the table (ie not open to discussion). Agreeing that we would keep the issue under review, be open to each others views and of course dependant upon specific crcumstances at the time enabled us to continue the relationship, marry and have our ds.

You and dp do do not have to make a decision on this now but it is very important that you can agree that no door us closed and that you can both be open to other possibilities than what you currently envisage as your future.

[McCharlieMouse]

Thanks for the thoughts dignified and Aussieng.

I am starting to think I got my pants in a twist last night and got a bit overly emotional when in fact we don't have to make a decision now, like you say Aussieng its about keeping the door open for discussions and seeing how things go.

I know that DP is struggling to work out how his needs fit with my DS's needs...it is all a bit new to him and pretty tricky to get his head round. DP does spend a lot of time in the Peaks at the moment, the evening thing is precisly what he wants, or he just wants to pop out and climb/bike for an hour or so after work or at the weekend without making it a days expedition! Yes it is selfish but I love that idea too...we do have those things in common!
...and yes I have wondered why he didn't move whilst he was single....so more discussions to be had with him!

Family doesn't come into it, mine don't live locally. In terms of friends I haven't lived in this town for that long myself, ExH and I moved here for work, so I whilst I have made Mum and baby type friends most of my close friends are scattered around the country as it is!

[Aussieng]

Lol - I remember dh and I having a discussion over the merits of uk vs Australian education systems in the early days and me crying! i thought he was just sayin he would never stay in uk cos it is crap and warning me this was just a fling (not at all what he was saying) but he was just trying to impress me about Australia hoping I might be the kind of person who would be open to living overseas - so I know all about knickers in a twist!!

[McCharlieMouse]

Oh yes there were tears.... DP just looked at me and said he was just trying to be romantic and talk about us buying our own house somewhere new and being together with my DS and poss other joint DCs! He was a little taken aback by me!

[BertieBotts]

I don't think it's selfish to think about moving away. It's not like you want to move so far. You can't base your whole life around the setup as it is now, things change. It's about looking at the whole picture and what will be best for DS overall, not getting hung up on this one detail of him being able to see his dad on a weeknight every week - he'll still be able to see him regularly, maybe he could go down on a Friday night to a Sunday afternoon?

It would be a much bigger deal if for example you suddenly decided you wanted to move countries or much further such as to the Scottish highlands!

[McCharlieMouse]

When I was trawling through previous posts to see if anyone else had been in a similar situation I did spot a comment someone made about how unrealistic is was to expect 2 seperated parents to remain in the same area until DCs leave home! I sort of think thats right...Ex H and I have no attachment to this town, we moved here for work about 6 years ago. DS is only 2.5, am I supposed to stay here till he's 18?! Neither of our families are here and our friends are scattered all over the country. I also want whats best for DS. Much more thinking for me and DP and for maybe for Ex H too if I can pluck up the courage to discuss.

[Eurostar]

It's really rubbish having your separated parents living further apart than a short bus journey/car ride away. Your life and friends as a child get torn in two to suit the parents. Children go through all sorts of guilt over having to decide between things such as traveling to seeing a parent or going to a birthday party/playing in the Saturday league/going to regular dance class etc.., let alone wanting to see both parents on Xmas day etc.. Sometimes a move has to happen due to financial or support reasons but I think we really need to change this attitude that ex partners can't be expected to do their utmost to stay close to each other for the sake of DC that they brought into this world. As someone who experienced both I can tell you it was an utter relief when both parties moved back closer to each other.

[clam]

That may be true, eurostar, but I was talking to someone recently whose ex lives 5 minutes up the road and it's still proving a pain to reconcile "his" weekend with the kids' (teens) social lives.
So there's no easy answer, I guess.

[primrose22]

My ex lives a 3 hour train journey away, its not ideal but he see's our dcs every other weekend from fri pm to sun pm. They all stay at his parents house, who live very near to me. They still have a good relationship with their dad and have adjusted well to the situation. I agree with others who point out that its unrealistic to expect 2 seperated parents to live near one another until the dcs are adults!