some objective advice needed please

[biryani]

I have been in a relationship with my DP for 27 years and lived with him for most of that time. We have a DD, nearly 9.I have given up "proper"work to look after her as I thought it was the right thing to do. Luckily for me, DP has always been in well-paid work but has now lost his job and has started a business, into which he has sunk all of his redundancy money. This money has now run out and the business is on the verge of collapse. Inevitably, he wants me to bail him out as I have my own money and a property. I feel very disinclined to do so as he did not discuss setting up the business with me. Additionally, our relationship is, I feel, on the rocks. We have not shared a bed for years and I find it increasingly difficult to communicate with him. most of the time i am so angry i can barely look at him. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and i am now struggling to get back into well-paid work despite a string of qualifications and a faultless CV. Some of my friends tell me I should leave; others say I should stay and try to work things out. He's very difficult to talk to, being opinionated and stubborn, but to be fair, so am I. Any advice gratefully received!! Many thanks.

[PamelaFlitton]

But what will you do if you do leave? You can't get a job and you're not married to him so he only has to give you the basic child maintenance. On the other hand, I don't think lending him money is a good idea. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship

[mostlycheese]

No no no no NO don't give him your money! He didn't discuss the business with you, it sounds like your relationship is on its last legs, and you should be holding onto any financial security that you have for you and DD.

Why would you stay in this relationship? (A genuine question).

[GypsyMoth]

i too wonder why you are still there??

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Don't give him the money. You do not want to and as your relationship is already rocky, it will only make things worse.

It sounds as if you could do with some therapy. Find a good therapist and make them work for the money that you pay them by helping you deal with your feelings of anger and low self esteem. Let your therapist help you get back to the decisive, strong, independant, brilliant woman you were before anger and doubt crept in. Invest your money in yourself and you won't regret it.

Then you will be strong enough to tackle your marriage head-on and decide whether it is salvagable or not.

Good Luck.

[hairytriangle]

Why exactly do you still want to be with him?

[biryani]

Thanks for your comments. The reason that I am still here is because I have invested a lot (both in time and money terms) in the home and I do not want to undermine DD's relationship with her father, as she dotes on him. On a practical level, I will have few choices until i am back at work and mortgageable in my own right.

[GypsyMoth]

why would you undermine dd relationship with her dad if you left??

what are you teaching her about relationships??

[biryani]

Not sure if my leaving would affect their relationship, but perhaps I am being old-fashioned and a bit over-stoical in this. I have been with him for so long that I know nothing else really, so perhaps I'm just bottling it a bit. Also, I was brought up in a culture where people put up with things, separation and divorce were never heard of, and maybe it's affected my attitude to my own relationship. I take care not to nag/row/throw toys out of the pram in front of DD, but she must be wondering why we have separate beds!!

[GypsyMoth]

yes!! she really must!!

you need to show her that there is better out there!!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Everything that you guys do effects your DD. She feels it, even if she does not understand it and as children are so self-centred (not saying your DD is selfish) often they believe that they are to blame for whatever is going wrong in their/their parents lives. Please take control. Start with yourself, then exert your influence on changing your family.

This will be difficult. In the short term it may even be very difficult, but it really will help in the long term if you can deal with your anger and lack of confidence and then deal with your family. You will make things better and teach your DD how to deal with life/conflict in the future.

Ignoring it and hoping it will get better isn't working.

[Anniegetyourgun]

With reference to the employment problem, do you think it would be worth setting your sights a little lower initially to get yourself back into the job market? Whether you stay with your H or not, you're still going to need an income.