I want to end my marriage and don,t know how - hep and advice needed

[karen1961]

Without boring anyone who reads this (if anyone) to tears, brief synopsis of the circumstances.

Married 22 years with two children, a daughter 21 on 19th and a son 12 who has aspbergers syndrome. Husband disabled and on extremely strong medication which has changed him completely. That is the crux of the problem,I can no longer talk to him, Im scared of setting of his temper and the vocals that follow.

I really want out now, but dont work so cant get money for rent, and he wont leave because of our son. I couldnt afford to keep the house going on my own.

Any advice anyone, I have glossed over the problem by the way, it is serious and has been going on years, I have no self esteem and cant bear to look at myself.

[IWantWine]

Hi,
I am in a similar situation.. my 'husband' wont agree to a divorce, has frozen our joint bank account, wont agree to sell the house and I cant afford to move out on my own.

I hope that there is someone out there with some useful advice for both our sakes :)

[karen1961]

Know what you mean, I have to ask for money and cant even buy new glasses. I hope things work out for you I really do, if you get a breakthrough would you kindly let me know how you did it?

Take care.

[IWantWine]

oh K... same here! I am working, and luckily I really enjoy my job but all I earn goes on food, petrol and the house. He buys his own stuff and - would you believe - he locks it in the garage. I buy food for myself and the kids, they are both working but dont contribute enough! I would give up but I dont even have that choice.

[lalalonglegs]

Have either of you considered seeing a solicitor to see what your options are? Wine - I'm not sure someone can unilaterally freeze a joint account indefinitely. karen - the situation may not be as hopeless as you feel. You have already said that you have no self-esteem which may be colouring your view of ways of breaking free. Do you have to stay at home to care for your husband or son? If not, is looking for a job, (even one that may not be your dream job) an option? It will help you save for a deposit and may give you some confidence back.

[whenallelsefailsmaketea]

Hi karen1961

You do sound very trapped and miserable. Have you suggested maybe you and DH go to Relate and discuss things with a referee who will prevet things escalating into frightening arguments? And has DH been back to his doctor to ask for different medication?

IWantWine you don't need your husband to "give" you a divorce you just decide to go! You make it sound like something you might get for Christmas.

[whenallelsefailsmaketea]

prevent even...

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

Here.
YOu don't need to be being beaten up and in fear of your life to talk to Women's Aid and get help and advice. Men who shout and threaten, men who keep you short of money while indulging themselves, men like this are abusive and you don't have to put up with it.
WA will not insist that you leave with nothing but the clothes you stand up in, they will support and advise you to make yoru own decisions in your own time - it i also a good idea to have a chat with CAB about what you are entitled to if you separate from a partner who is horrible in terms of benefits, the family home, etc.
NO ONE has to live with a bully, everyone has the right to end a relationship that is unsatisfactory.
There is lots of help out there, please take it.

[karen1961]

I loved to work, but when I did, he continually phoned me to get me home causing untold trouble with my boss as once, because I said I couldn't started yelling down the phone, the whole office heard him Im afraid and shortly after I felt I had to leave before I was pushed. He now won't let me go to work as h says our son's welfare comes first, correctly, but I can't even work part time when our son is in school. Just not an option.

[lalalonglegs]

Then what SEGB said - get outside help to move away and start a new life. It may seem a non-starter at the moment because you are so worn down and used to him telling you that you can't do things but, I promise, as soon as you are free, your confidence will come back and you will create a new, much better life.

[bees474]

IWantWIne that sounds bloody terrible, did not realsie you had got to that.. citizen's advice bureau?

[Jux]

Both of you, ring Women's Aid. They will help you.

Karen, your dh needs to return to his doc and talk through the effects the medication has on you both. Do you both have the same gp? If so, you could see him yourself and tell him what your dh is like.

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

Karen: Please get outside help to get away from this horrible man. He is not worth a minute more of your time. He is a textbook controlling abuser and he will get worse and worse. You Can be helped to get away, honestly. ANd it will do your DS no good at all to grow up in a house with a man like this.