adult friend finder

[kittymch]

I've been on before about the impact DP's pub going/footie mania is having on me, but have now found out he has been using Adult Friend Finder.

I've been unwittingly and unwillingly put into the parent role not 'allowing' him to do fun things - i.e. go to the pub, spend all day at the footie/pub, and now (presumably) pay for big bertha to get her kit off on webcam while I'm out of the house.

When I express upset and anger he seems surprised that I have a problem with any of it.

I think the penny has just dropped with me, that this is all complete bollocks, and that I'm not prepared to put up with this chilish/selfish behaviour.

Can any level headed mumsnetters out there confirm that Adult Friend Finder is a deal breaker before I go home and have the final argument tonight?

Sadly we have an 18 mo DD, and apprarently we (her and I) are the most important things to DP.

[RitaLynn]

Do you know whether he has just visited the site, or whether he set up a profile and additionally whether he's been chatting to people. If the latter, that would be a deal breaker? If the former, maybe just curiosity. I think the internet allows us to view things we would never have done in the past in RL

[Bast]

Man-child. Finish it!

[prh47bridge]

With all of these sites there are various levels of involvement. You generally have to register and create a profile if you want to browse other people's profiles. That doesn't cost anything and, if you are a man, doesn't really get you anywhere. You can't initiate conversations with anyone unless you pay. Indeed, on some sites you can't respond when someone else contacts you unless you pay. Even on the sites that allow you to respond without paying, someone has to intiate the conversation with you first. It is extremely rare for a straight man to be contacted by women via such sites. Almost all conversations are initiated by men. If a man is contacted at all, it will either be by gay men or men pretending to be women.

By the way, he won't have paid for Big Bertha to get her kit of on webcam. AFF doesn't allow you to do that kind of thing. It is similar to dating sites in that it allows people to make contact. There are sites where he can pay Big Bertha to get her kit off but this isn't one of them.

My view is that if he hasn't paid any money it may just be curiousity. If he has paid money to contact people that is a deal breaker. However, I'm a man so feel free to disregard my views! I hasten to add that I am not a current user of such sites. I used to browse them out of curiousity but I have never used them to contact anyone.

At the end of the day only you can decide whether or not this is a deal breaker.

[kittymch]

Thanks Bast - succinct and to the point!

As for just surfing or actually contacting people £250 went from his account to AFF in July, he said he was scammed and was just wanting to look at some pictures...you know just as I typed that the word 'MUG' appeared on my forehead .

That's it, I'll have no more of this shit.

[GypsyMoth]

Aw poor you!!

£250 is a he'll of alot tho!

More than a subscription I'm sure!

[RitaLynn]

Yeah, the £250 settles in IMO

[RitaLynn]

settles it, rather

[emmyloulou]

The cash going would be a bin bag on the doorstep offence for me.

[HappySlapper]

Are you absolutely sure that the money was for AFF? As far as I am aware, no sites like that cost that amount of money

[kittymch]

Yes, I am sure as the only reason I know about him using it at all is because he'd left his bank statement on the kitchen table and it caught my eye because it said 'Your main debits this month Adult Friend Finder £250' or something to that effect.

I'm not a snoop and I don't read his bank statements but that jumped out at me for obvious reasons.

When I questioned him he, in order, denied it, suggested he'd been a victim of identity fraud admitted it, but said he'd been done by the site after putting his bank details in just to look at some porn.

To be honest I didn't make that much of it at the time, not sure why in retrospect, until a bookmark for the site appeared on the computer on Sunday which made me realise he's still at it.

He's obviously not the sharpest pencil in the pack, but I feel the bigger idiot just now.

[emmyloulou]

So he has done it and lied, then no question. That would be a deal breaker the lying would seal it.

[prh47bridge]

I would say that is a deal breaker if it is genuine.

However, like others I am puzzled by the amount. I don't know for sure how much they charge - you have to become a free member to find out - but information elsewhere on the internet suggests that their top level membership for 12 months costs less than half the amount quoted.

Also such sites NEVER appear under the site name on credit card statements. I'm not sure what name AFF are using on statements - possibly Various, Inc. If it appears under the AFF name on the credit card statement it is almost certainly some kind of scam.

[prh47bridge]

I disagree with Emmyloulou. The fact the statement identified Adult Friend Finder as his main debit strongly suggests to me that it was some kind of scam. As far as I am aware AFF would never bill anyone under that name.

Not that his story entirely adds up either.

At the very least he needs to be honest with you.

[HappySlapper]

There's definitely something not right here. I know for a fact that there are no sex websites (ultimately what AFF is) that charge that kind of money. I think he's been scammed, because as others have said, somewhere like that wouldn't have their true name on the bank statement.

Having said that, where has he been visiting in order to be scammed?

Speaking from personal experience, people don't generally visit sites like that unless they're looking to hook up with someone - if it was porn he wanted, there are enough free sites for that. Sorry.

[Mummiehunnie]

I suspect he left statement 4 u 2 find for a row as he wants to be told off by mum as you describe you have both taken on those roles. Very unhealthy marriage you both created, therapy for you both would be best for your child, good luck!

[kittymch]

I agree Mummiehunnie it is a very unhealthy situation.

Needs to be resolved and I'd happily go down the therapy route.

[Bast]

Sorry ...bigger picture-

If he can't behave in a manner which is acceptable to you (as proven, if it's not one thing, it's another) then you will forever feel the need to oversee his behaviour/actions/choices.

This does create that control/rebel scenario which is so unhealthy and so unhappy.

If he can't be mature trusted with the autonomy to behave in a way that you feel is respectful and considerate towards you, finish it.

If he has no sense of what is reasonable, you won't be able to teach him (and nor should you feel you have to!), he should have an instictive awareness of what would be considered reasonable behaviour in most scenarios. You shouldn't feel you have to 'police' him.

If he is aware of what would be considered reasonable behaviour, he is mainly taking the piss.

Football/pub/AFF ...what next? Don't bother waiting around to find out unless you are prepared to shift your boundaries surrounding what you would consider inappropriate/appropriate acts -and regularly!

[kittymch]

Bast - you are good at this...In my heart I am no longer prepared to shift my boundaries surrounding what I consider inappropriate/appropriate acts.

I would consider counselling to find out why his instinctive awareness is so lacking, but of course he would have to want to do that too.

[Sarsaparilllla]

The £250 does seem a hell of a lot - if, as he says, he was scammed - did he ever follow it up with them/whoever suposidly scammed him? It's a hell of a lot money to not follow up on.

Could you do some investigations yourself, I'm sure on AFF it will tell you somewhere what their charges would show up as like, don't worry, we don't bill you as x, it'll show as y on your bill.

Do you know if he has a profile & has been contacting people, or if he's just been on the site?

If he wanted to just look at porn there's millions of free sites - I'd be suspicious of the fact the put his card details in somewhere of that nature since if you were just looking you can get that for free...

[ladylush]

H used AFF and it appeared on his statement as that. But it wasn't a huge amount - less than £50