No matter how hard I try, I just can't forget....

[conquita]

I was with my ex for 15 years, we moved to Asia for his job and there he basically treated me like shit for 5 years. Constant lieing, betrayal, telling me he was on a business trip when really he was in the same city we lived in, he would just be out with his work colleagues but would not have the nerve to tell me.

I knew he was having an affair with his secretary, but he kept denying it [even though there were text messages to confirm it] I knew he was lieing but was convinced that when we left the country and returned to the UK, we would be ok. It was just living in Asia (it's a man's world) that made him the way he was, not our relationship. I was nieve and stupid. I ended up leaving the country because of becoming ill, I believed he would leave Asia and join me, but one month later he ended the relationship over the phone. Siz months later he brought his secretary back to the UK to meet his parents at Xmas, and now he is married to her.

This was 3 years ago. I am in a new relationship with an amazing person. He is everything I wish my ex had been. I know he would never ever treat me the way my ex did. But, I keep dreaming about my ex, and everyday I think about what he did, and how angry I am with myself for putting up with what I did. I have had counselling which was amazing, it basically gave me the confidence to trust my new partner, and get rid of the insecurities I had. Yet I don't think I can get closure [I hate that word but...it's true] because my ex never admitted he lied to me or was having an affair, he told everyone I left Asia because I was sick of it. No-one knows the truth and his behaviour there.

Does anyone have any advice, has anyone been through a similar situation? I am very very happy in my current relationship, it is amazing. But I feel I am unfair to my partner to still be thinking of my ex. I would just like to one day not feel the hurt and pain.

[dignified]

Ive experienced similar and i know what you mean . Things got better for me when i started to read about what motivates these people to act this way , and i read a lot too about why i had stayed and put up with it.

You say you are stil angry at yourself for staying which might suggest you need to look some more at it. If you can work out why you did stay , you might stop feeling angry.

I dont think there is ever any closure as such from this sort of thing , they dont acknowledge the things theyve done or the hurt theyve caused and you never get to have your say. Persistant lying is often a sign of being disordered .

Perhaps more counseling would help , i found too that writing letters that id never send really helpfull . When i think of him now i feel nothing but pity for him , he is severeley damaged and couldnt see the damage even if he wanted to . I think theres two parts to this , " forgiving " them , ( or letting it go ) , and " forgiving " yourself , the second one being much harder i think.

[conquita]

Thanks diginified.

I like the letter writing you suggested, in fact I have thought of doing that, but I think I am scared of the emotions it will resurface. I am angry with myself because I stayed in Asia and put up with his behaviour. If I was the person I am now, then, there is no way I would have stayed so long. But I basically lost my self esteem and self respect. I had no confidence in myself.

Thanks again Dignified and I hope you are in a far better place now.