another broing housework thread

[mrscleanerupper]

what are your opinions?

My Dh does no h/w at all- except put the rubbish into wheelie bins and wheel them out.He does the grass cutting in summmer and DIY but has to be forced to decorate- every room in house need doing and he doesn't- can't be arsed unless I nag for weeks.

We have had a traditional set up for over 20 years- me working p/t, him working an 11 hr day- out from 8am-7pm.

I do everything else- cook, shop, housework, garden, etc etc.

I am now working more than ever- I work from home mainly, am self employed and because the work I do is creative, I sometimes work evenings if an idea comes to mind.

we have 1 adult son at home post-uni but he is leaving soon.

I am beginning to really resent the fact that DH does nothing. I was ill recently for a week, and he had to be told what to buy for food, did no washing ( mainly his own) which just piled up, and no h/w. He doesn't see dirt. He never offers to do anthing in the house though he will pick up food if he is in town.

There is no way we work the same hours- he works much more than I do- but I still feel that I am chief cook, bottle washer and cleaner and taken for granted.

I was happy to do this when the kids were young, but now they are gone I feel it should be split more equally.

Am I being a whinger?

[mrscleanerupper]

Oh I forgot- he does load the dishwasher sometimes but this is a recent improvement- he used to disappear off to the gym every Saturday morning, then slope off to have a coffee in town, soout all morning, leaving me with last night's dirty washing up ( we eat late and no one can be bothered then)until I blew a gasket. Then he started stacking but not doing pans, work tops, or top of cooker. At the weekend he might load it now and then but often delays to start it, or doesn't realise there are no plates left, so we end up with no clean plates when we need them. I feel I have to oversee him like another child.

[1Catherine1]

Directed here from the other thread

To me it sounds like you have trained him. You know like when you get a puppy and you train it not to bite people and let it sleep on your sofa, it gets used to this set up and becomes very happy with it. Years later if you decide your dog is now not allowed on the sofa (maybe it's a new one) it can be a difficult for the dog to get used to this and it will need telling plenty of times before it gets the message. Before anyone thinks I am only comparing men to dogs I'm not, I'm comparing everyone as people - we are all creatures of habit.

You need to have a chat with him explaining why your expectations have changed and direct him to the help you need. Expect to have to give him particular tasks and don't criticise him if he does do it badly. Teaching an old dog new tricks isn't easy. Don't assume he knows what you mean when you say "clean the kitchen" because that is subjective. Instead try "load the dishwasher, wash anything that won't go in and wipe down the tables".

Of course you know better than anyone if he is just taking you for granted but I would consider the possibility that maybe after all these years he does see you house as your territory. I know with my parents cleaning is my mum's territory because she is obsessive compulsive and will only redo it if my dad tries. So he doesn't bother.

[mrscleanerupper]

You are right.

Because I am a good cook, he has never learned. because I am efficient , he has never learned.

I got married when I was 30, and had had a career which I put on hold when I had Dcs. I was happy to be a domestic goddess for a while, as he was away a lot and I had no choice.

But my master plan pre-marriage was always to be an equal, not a skivvy to anyone.

I work at least 5 half days a week and spend the rest of my time cleaning, shopping, cooking, doing laundry, garden etc.

What I resent is that he makes mess. he is very untidy- any surface is fine IHO to put things on. He leaves 4 pairs of shoes in the hall which I trip over and then can't hoover round. No matter how many times I ask him not to do this, he still does it.

I clean the bathroom ( our en suite) nad fold towels etc- he has a shower, leaves bathmat on floor, doesn't open window, and flings towel on rail any old how.

Until recently- when I flipped- if I had wasked the towels and he needed a clean one for himself after a shower- he would take 1 from pile but not put out 1 for me! Excuse was he was in a hurry.

He won't open blind in bedroom in morning- dresses with light on sometimes, etc etc.

All very very tiny things but when you add them up, it makes me feel I have another child here now that my 2 DCs have ( almost) gone.

On the decorating front, we have about 4 rooms that are in need of a lick of paint. I am at home all day working so I see it- he is out. it drives me mad and he has no interest in haing a nice home, despite the fact it is £££ and worth half a million.

Sorry I am offloading.

[2cats2many]

The only way we keep the peace in my house is by having a cleaner. It would be carnage otherwise because DH only lifts a finger if I totally blow my top.

I am still left with all the washing, but I've given up arguing about that. Its just easier to do it myself.

[ItsGraceAgain]

When X#1 and I split up, I had to write him a manual so he'd be able to look after himself. I hadn't even realised the selfish bugger didn't know how to work the kitchen appliances! So you're one up on me; you are aware of who's the 'domestic' in your house. On the other hand, you've been putting up with this for twice as long ...

My ex did actually become a good cook & housekeeper. You could try writing your manual, then sitting back whilst he learns to be a grown-up (highlight the fact that he doesn't know how to feed himself or run his own home). I'd better warn you, though, writing the thing is a very time-consuming task!

A similar approach, often recommended on these forums, is to itemise the home-related tasks you each do, then share them out more equally. Include your paid work if you feel it's necessary for fairness. Should you meet continued resistance, work out how much it will cost to farm out your domestic excess to professionals (cleaner, laundry, etc) ... and do it!

You should be able to focus his mind on it :) Good luck!

[mrscleanerupper]

I used to have a cleaner once years ago when i was ill and hated it- I felt my privacy was invaded. I also don't want to waste £20 a week paying someone to do it.

I think what annoys me is that he makes mess ! I can cope with the routine stuff such as dusting and hoovering etc but what I cannot abide is him not clearing up his own stuff, and being a hoarder and very untidy with it.

I regret taking over the household things as now it is hard to change but it's not the set-up I envisaged.

All this was brought home to me last week when I was ill, as all he could offer me were ready meals - he cannot cook anything. When I emerged from my sick bed the house was a tip with mud all over the hall floor ( wood) , and nothing cleaned. It's as if he doesnt know what needs doing. he lived onhis own until he 30 so it's not as if he went straight from mummy to me.

[nottonightdearihaveaheadache]

Sounds to me like now your children are grown away you are taking a good look at your life (understandably) and maybe thinking of how it could be should you choose to make a new life for youself on your own? I could be barking up totally the wrong tree here but it's just the impression i get from your posts.

[mrscleanerupper]

You are half right- I don't want to be some 1950s style housewife, looking after my DH like he's another child. I was independent and feisty before I got married, but did the full domestic goddess bit as he earned more than i ever could have and was away a lot. Had no relatives near so just got stuck in- and I do like cooking, and gardening etc. But not all the time.

And now it could be different. I am NOT going to do all the housey stuff for another 30 years. That's not what I want.

Can you believe that an educated man in his 50s who went to university cannot even cook a stir fry- or pasta, or anything without having to have his hand held?

Or even offer to take me out to give me a break or show appreciation? (Except if it's a birthday etc.)

[mrscleanerupper]

To make matters worse, my kids- on DS and one DD- are both brilliant cooks who love cooking- so they have picked it up along the way when he hasn't!

He sidles up to me asking if he can "help" which basically means he gets under my feet- to which I say "Why don't you learn to cook- something simple" he says he will but after years of this he never has.

[ItsGraceAgain]

How about Mary Berry's How to Cook book? It's for adults.

[RandyRussian]

So you were perfectly happy to cook and clean etc for your DCs but are not prepared to do same for DH?

Wonder if he feels the same about you?

[quiddity]

Why on earth should she, Randy? The marriage is between two adult, equal partners, not one man and his doormat.

[merrywidow]

I'd get some of those big bin storage things from Ikea and throw everything in together that he leaves all over the floor/sides etc instead of tidying up after him then he can rummage in them for whatever he needs. If he complains simply state you are fed up with the mess and are working too so don't have time to tidy his stuff aswell

[ItsGraceAgain]

Randy: DC and DH refer to people of differing ages, status and responsibility. Unless OP has, in fact, married a child, which is illegal in this country.

[violethill]

Sounds like you need to have a frank discussion.

TBH, I get the feeling from your posts that actually you were perfectly happy to take on the domestic goddess role, being the chief homemaker etc while your ds was younger, and while your DH got the benefits of that, you reaped the benefits of him working much longer hours than you and having to be the chief provider.

Now that your ds is grown up, and you feel you've changed, you want something different. Nothing wrong with that, but how is your DH supposed to know unless you make it clear? And with that, comes the possibility that he might say, 'ok i'm up for change, but it works both ways'. For example, how would you feel if he agreed to learn to cook, and do more about the house, but expected you to give up the luxury of a p/t job and start f/t work?

I'm just throwing that into to melting pot, because it seems a little as though while YOU will benefit from him doing more at home, HE won't benefit unless you also shift a bit. It's a luxury to have worked p/t for 20 years, especially as your ds is now adult, so maybe it would be a good opportunity to find out if your DH wants to make changes too.

[mathanxiety]

First of all, I had the opposite of your DH for many years. He had the attitude of 'anything you can do I can do better'. I hated it. Home was my turf and I was edged aside by a punctilious neat freak who wanted to out-mother me and out-clean me and was convinced of his own superiority. It stunk.

Second of all, 20 quid a week on a cleaner is not a waste of money if it saves your sanity and your relationship.

Third when he sidles up asking how he can help, tell him something specific instead of giving him a job for life (learning to cook presumably with the aim of doing so a few evenings a week). Can he wash lettuce and assemble a salad? Can he set the table? WRT the shoes inside the door maybe he needs to be told specifically where to put the shoes if not on the floor just inside the door.

Enlist him as part of a team instead of setting him up as captain, a role he may or may not be able to play. Some people need to have someone else in charge. Could you tackle the cooking together, or cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry? You may have to instruct him that he is to make arrangements for taking you out to dinner once a month... Not exactly a spontaneous gesture of appreciation but I don't think by the sound of him that he is capable of taking the reins.

He sounds like a creature of habit, maybe even even slightly on the autistic spectrum, with the hoarding, the fixed routine of gym and coffee on saturdays, turning on the light instead of deciding there might be enough natural light to open the curtains, the inability to sense your growing impatience about the housework, the inability to see his surroundings and where improvement is needed -- much as you might like a break from being Captain, he doesn't sound like the man to be your understudy, I'm afraid.

But he could probably benefit from the specific instructions mentioned by Grace.

You seem to be looking back with sadness on the way your life has turned out and comparing it with the hopes you had when you were younger. Do you get out at all by yourself for any activities with a group of friends, any you time comparable to the time your DH gets on a saturday morning?

[RandyRussian]

I'd get some of those big bin storage things from Ikea and throw everything in together that he leaves all over the floor/sides etc instead of tidying up after him then he can rummage in them for whatever he needs.

I tried something similar with DH's clothes so the ======= went out and bought more with money we could have used far better.

MEN!! What can you do with them!!

[RandyRussian]

Damn. Meant to put the quote in italics not heavy type. Still getting used to this.