He proposed but now doesn't want to marry me

[reddaisy]

DP and I have a turbulent relationship and we have had counselling in the past but it didn't work for us.

He proposed to me 18 months ago and then we hit another rocky patch and any tentative plans to get married were put on the backburner. We have both agreed previously that we wouldn't make any wedding plans until we were on an even keel.

For around six months we have been getting on loads better and avoiding conflict by being more considerate, not overreacting and not dragging minor arguments into the next day.

But on Friday we were due to go away for the weekend together and we had an argument about housework. During the argument he told that he didn't want to marry me anymore.

I told him that if after four years and a DD together that if he didn't want to marry me that I didn't know why we were still together and I went to the lovely hotel by myself.

He hasn't tried to retract what he said and I feel he means it. He has been through a messy divorce in the past and has always said he couldn't face that with me.

I didn't ask him to marry me, I haven't been nagging him to marry me and despite wearing a beautiful ring we barely discuss it.

Now I am left in a quandry where I have to decide whether it is enough to be with a man who says he loves me but doesn't want to marry me when previously he loved me enough to propose and plan our future life together.

I'm blue today.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Your relationship does not sound very good, does it? Aside from dd, I dont quite understand why you would want to be married to him.

[TheProvincialLady]

TBH if your still relationship is 'turbulent' after trying counselling and after just 4 years, I think your partner is right and you should not get married. Marriage is a sensible step if you are settled and content, but it is a daft move if you are arguing and can't resolve your problems.

If it is marriage you are looking for, you would be better to either deal with your problems once and for all, or to find another partner. This one is telling you that he doesn't want to marry you ayou have and you have to listen to him.

I don't blame you for feeling blue

[reddaisy]

Because I love him. And our relationship can be amazing and we are best friends who had got into a pattern of arguing too much but we both have been working hard to stop that.

[ChickensHaveNoLips]

Sorry, have to agree with the others. If you're struggling this much after just 4 years, he's probably right. It shouldn't be this hard this soon.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Chickens is spot on - it shouldn't be this hard this soon.

DH and I are 6 years into our relationship, 3 years into our marriage. Yes we argue from time to time, and get narky with each other when we are tired and when life is stressful, but it isn't hard work.

The thing is, how can you stay with someone who has stated that they won't/can't/don't want to commit to you? I think you have to accept that things are over.

[MmeLindt]

How can you go from arguing about housework to him not wanting to marry you, and you questioning the whole relationship?

If he uses marriage as a stick to beat you with then it is not a good idea to even consider it.

What do you argue about?

[reddaisy]

We argue about him not helping out enough around the house. We both work and I do 90 per cent of everything.

[Faaamily]

It's quite childish of your DH (not to mention incredibly unromantic) to withdraw a marriage proposal during an argument. And it all sounds very stressful. Four years isn't a hugely long time, and if you are rucking non-stop in these early years, how does that bode for the future?

[purplepeony]

I suspect that it wasn't the housework issue that broke the camel's back at all. I suspect that he has had 2nd thoughts about marriage for ages and this latest argument was a convenient place to fling that comment at you.

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious talk about where your relationship is heading.

Does he want you- or you and not marriage- or does he not want you any more either?

[MmeLindt]

Is that the thing you argue about most, or are there other issues?

Since you both work, then he should be sharing the household chores. Why does he think that he should be exempt from this?

[reddaisy]

PurplePeony - You're right. The argument on Friday could have blown over quite easily. It was what he said during the argument that is now the problem iyswim.

It isn't good to argue too much but actually we have had a tricky year or so but things have been great between us on the whole.

It just seems like we are going backwards instead of forwards.

[reddaisy]

MmeLindt - If it was up to him the bare minimum would get done around the house. In the argument on Friday he pretty much said that as I am the one who wants it clean and tidy then he doesn't see why he should have to help.

Day to day things like the washing up, laundry, cooking etc get done and I straighten round once DD is in bed. But I tend to blitz and do the whole house with bathrooms, hoovering etc once every 3 weeks or so so it isn't like I am a clean freak but he thinks I am.

We argue about other things too but the housework is a recurring theme.

[purplepeony]

Time to call a truce then and try to be nice to each otehr- and maybe forget about marriage for a bit

[purplepeony]

He doesn't sound very loving. Most men would happily exist in shit but if it makes their DPs happy by helping, most if they fcare, will chip in.

yesterday i did loads of h/w but at one point had had enough so i simply asked DH to do the stairs please- he wouldn't in a million years but I said I'd done enough ( have been illfor over week with terrible cold) so it was his turn.

[ChippingIn]

Reddaisy - I actually think it's got to the stage of calling 'time' on the relationship. It is not making you happy. It's making you 'try' all the time, it's making you 'upset', it's making you 'unhappy'... it is not making you happy or content nor making you feel loved, wanted, special nor valued.

It is not good.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Honestly, is the housework the only issue?

Can you get a cleaner in once a week?

If you like it clean, and he could not care less, then at least he should respect that you like it clean, and agree to get a cleaner.

If you both work full time, and have a young child, you are both busy. It is not fear that you bear the brunt of the housework.

Does he ever cook?


My dh is not great on housework, but he does a fair bit of diy, is responsible for the rubbish, help clean up after dinner, put the kids to sleep most nights, and help tidy up after dinner. We eat out once a week to relieve me of cooking every day.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

reddaisy, save yourself the legal bills. A divorce costs money.

there is no way on earth you are going to make this work successfully.

Be glad you found out now. Cut loose and get out. In a year or so, you'll meet someone who IS prepared to muck in with you and shoulder responsibility.

If you stay in this, take it from me, it'll consume you and eat away all your self esteem and self confidence. Your DD doesn't need to learn that.