Sister blues

[nothingbyhalves]

hope i don't go on too much, but i just need to vent some disbelief.

My big sister (who is 9 years older than me) and myself had a close relationship until at the age of 25 I moved back to our hometown where my family lives. Since then our relationship has been strained.There have been times she has been so negative about my lifestyle, attitude and proffession ( i'm a teacher as is her husband and she has also recently got her PGCE!) that i have found her comments quite hurtful. Over the years she has refused many attempts on my part to forge a good relationship, including asking her to be my bridesmaid. She has refused or avoided all.

I have been very supportive to her and her family, living with them when they had childcare issues to help out, attending every birthday party, helping with organisationa and catering. I even gave up Festival tickets to help her out and a free summer in italy to attend birthday parties etc. I literally will drop everything to help her. Since having my sons 10 months ago she has babysat just once.

Thing have changed tho as i am now married and have my own babies! (hers are now 16 and 15) and even tho i now she loves my boys to bits she is being quite difficult, has said she does not want my family to go on a holiday with my parents and her family as we will row. ( we went on a group holiday 4 years ago with my brother in laws family and i was the only person who DIDN'T argue with anyone, and she argued with everyone!)
I can't have everyone round for xmas dinner as it would be 18 people and our house isn't massive! so invited just grandparents, she complained i was excluding her, my sis in law was fine about it, understood completely! since then she has stirred massively with my parents, saying i haven't asked her round at all on xmas day ( she was invited for breakfast) and has been inventive with the truth about some other things. I have asked if all is ok and she started denying things that she had said to me despite other people being present when she said these things making herself look really silly. She was tieing herself in knots with her lies not remembering what she had said. She has called me a "beached Whale" (i'm a size 14) and when confronted tried to blame it on her daughter!

I don't mind so much about me, but she is really causing problems with our parents. We had a row and she called them straight away. I would never try to involve them in that way. Its simply unfair on them! And she is 44 years old! today she invited the family to hers to watch the rugby, but told me they weren't in. She has also demanded a apology for saying she was had a drinking problem I NEVER even said that!
Sorry to go on, but not sure how to deal with this. She is supposed to be godmother to our boys in a months time and DH has said he doesn't want her anymore due to her behaviour. Also don't want to make my parents feel uncomfortable. Help!!

[1Catherine1]

Sounds like you've got some serious issues with your sister at the moment. You only really have 2 options:

1. Ignore it and hope it goes away.
   
2. Speak to her directly about what is going on and be honest with her.
   
   The relationship between sisters is indeed an unique one. I have a sister who is 5 years younger than me and sometimes we fight and others times we are best friends; it is very special. I think you need to establish where this problem has come from and not be afraid to ask her outright what is going on and why is she running to your parents all the time instead of talking to you. Could this be a case of Chinese whispers causing you to fall out "she said ".....", you said "...."" when really nobody has said anything of the sort. You're not going to find out until you speak to her. I also wouldn't let her dictate who can and cannot go on the family holiday since excluding just you is excluding you from the family. If she is unhappy with the arrangement she can stay home, not tell you to. If she is arranging it for everyone but you then I'd be tempted to call the parents and explain how unhappy this makes you feel.
   
   Good luck, and if the call doesn't go well you can always choose option 1.

[nothingbyhalves]

Thanks, Have tried option 2. Didn't work very well. She simply lied and lied and lied. NOt chinese whispers as she is lying about things she said to me! I will go with option 1.

thanks tho!

[LittleMissHissingFirecracker]

Stop trying to court her approval. She sounds jealous, petty and rude.

Give her some space and if she questions it, say you can't be bothered with the drama.

rise above it.

[Pigglesworth]

Ugh, sisters can be so difficult. And it's really upsetting when you are so willing to have a good relationship with your sister and yet she just isn't interested in that and prefers to create constant tension/ drama. My sister is like this so I know how you feel. Talking to her won't work in my experience, I've tried this too, it may help things in the short-term but she will go back to her drama-loving, nasty behaviour eventually as that's how she gets her kicks/ power trips. It feels like an emotional rollercoaster ride.

It sounds like you drop everything for her and let her behaviour dictate your life to some extent, always trying to be nice. Whereas she couldn't care less. This is the dynamic that I find myself in with my sister (I'm the older one though) - I'm always trying to be nice and "make her like me" and she tramples all over that.

I wonder if your efforts to "make her like you" are feeding into this cycle - she takes you for granted and sees you as weak. If I were you I would totally back off and be "cooler" and less available towards her. I imagine once you back away she will probably approach, trying to pull you back in. At least you'd have more control over the dynamic. It is emotionally painful to distance yourself but some people just have a toxic effect even though they might be close relatives!

I wouldn't even have her as godmother; she sounds unreliable and unlikeable, and like she'd trash that position too. Is there anyone who is close/ dear to you who you can ask instead?

[nothingbyhalves]

Thanks all, am trying to take the higher ground a bit and not involve our parents, which she is doing. Just giving the whole situation some space and letting the dust settle.