Is DH cheating

[Ray81]

Ok alittle embarrassed by how paranoid i am but here goes.

Just over 6 months ago found Dh had fake facebook account, msn and yahoo, talking to women getting pics of them in underwear and looking at alot of porn. confronted him he apologised said would never do it again was about him not us and he hasnt done anything like it since.

Well just recently he has been giving this woman a lift to work on a sat (not every sat), he goes out of his way to get her and then takes her home. I dont like it realy but dont want to seem like the paranoid wife by demanding he doesnt take her. He is the manager and the more bums on seats the more work that gets done, targets are met and he gets his bonus ifswim. But she is tall, long blond hair and very attractive.
Now i am not proud of myself but i used to work with him and thats how we met and i have a very good friend who works there and i asked her what their relationship is like at work and she said she hasnt seen anything untoward but she wouldnt want this girl around her DH, she dresses very provocativly, short skirts low cut tops etcetc.

Ok so i do all the washing and it seems his pants have some, dont know how to put it but i think you all know what i mean in them.

Other then this there isnt anything i have noticed that is different other then he is VERY attentive at the moment. is this a good sign that nothing is going on?

What should i be looking out for re an affair bearing in mind that he didnt act any differently when he was staying up to talk to women on the internet.

sorry if this is alittle garbled could just do with some advise.

[MumblingClothDoll]

HAve you checked his phone?

[overmydeadbody]

Don't you trust him to be faithful?

[Ray81]

yep checked and nothing on phone.

I am finding it hard to trust completely because of the fake fb, msn and yahoo thing that went on for a yr without me knowing.

Im just being paranoid arent i?

[GypsyMoth]

i would be cautious....you have reason to be from last time. computer history?

[GypsyMoth]

where was he 'finding' these women to chat/swap pics with?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

ray I know your story and remember your recent thread.

What's stopping you from sitting down with your H and telling him that before the online infidelity, you wouldn't have been overly concerned about his colleague, who might be a lovely person after all, with absolutely no designs on your H and doesn't deserve her clothes and appearance (and her morals) being discussed in such perjorative terms by two other women?

However, after the trauma you went through, you are feeling uncomfortable about it and uneasy. If your H is even half-way reasonable, he would understand why situations like this feel more threatening than hitherto.

Did you get that book Not Just Friends, that I recommended on your other thread? Have you both read it?

I always get the feeling with you, that as a couple, you haven't properly discussed fidelity and what efforts you as individuals need to make, to preserve it. Have a think about why paranoia and snooping are preferable than a conversation about how you really feel.

You don't have to pretend that you have no paranoia, or misgivings about your H's interactions with another female. You just need to reassure eachother that this is a perfectly safe friendship - and one that you might enjoy with this woman too, if you gave her a chance.

[phipps]

Being very attentive is ringing bells for me.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

ray the thing I forgot to say was that the deposits you found on the underwear could be something or nothing, but if they are sinister, would point more to a resumption of porn use, I think, than an affair. Have a think what you'd want to do about this - and your boundaries about porn, if this turns out to be the case.

[woolymindy]

i agree with phipps about the attentiveness - he already has a history of deception and personally i put a lot of weight on gut feeling.

That said, I really hope you are wrong.

[SJLTM]

The you know what in the pants was my ex-h's give away !!

[SJLTM]

Just to add, that I only noticed it when he 'worked late' or had a meeting with his boss . . . .the other woman. Clearly lots of in car action going on !!

[Ray81]

WWIFN- you are very intuitive, i honestly cant beleive that you seem to know me and the relationship i have with H.

No we havent sat down and properly discussed fidelity and what efforts we should take, before the online infidelity it did not even cross my mind tbh as i trusted him completely and him giving this woman a lift would not have been an issue at all.

The reason i am feeling dubious about raising the issue is when i found out re the online infidelity we talked for a long time and after i was exhausted i said i didnt want to discuss it again but didnt want it to happen again, i was wrong it plays on my mond alot.
The only time i have brought it up since then he said "i thought we were over this " i explained i wasnt but i tend to stick my head in the sand and dont like to rock the boat so to speak.

I need to sit down and talk to him about how i feel but dont want it to get into an argument, i am awful with confrontation tbh

i have the book but havent read it yet.