Am so annoyed with myself, have failed again at being assertive

[SoLonely]

I have been trying to be more assertive, without being aggressive in my relationships. I used to feel very taken for granted, walked all over and a doormat and decided it was up to me to change and not to allow myself to be treated in ways I didn't like.

I have been getting quite annoyed with DD's friends mums who are happy for us to have their DD's over to ours but never to invite DD over. I always continue to have their DD's over to ours for DD's sake but decided that the next time I arranged to have one of DD's friends over I would at the same time, fix up a date for DD to also go over to the friend's house. So I tried to do that today, the other mum and I arranged a date for DD's friend to come over to ours and I said 'Shall we also fix up a date for DD to come to yours?' and the other mum just said 'Oh no, let's leave it for a couple of weeeks and fix something up later' and I just pathetically agreed. I know the other mum, she has had DD over to hers once, whereas we have had her DD over to ours countless times. As far as I'm concerned it's just plain rude to accept so many invites from us and to never, except once, return the favour. I only bother with the mum for DD's sake, I am polite and friendly but I don't like her.

I am now fuming with myself. I should have said 'Actually, I would prefer to fix up a date for DD to come to yours because..' and just made up a reason why it had to be done now. I suppose I could have insisted on fixing a date and she would have just cancelled it later on but I just wish I could have been more assertive in the moment.

I am wondering if I should go on an assertiveness training course. Has anybody been on one? Are they any good? How do they teach you to be assertive?

I want to change and need help!

[celticfairy101]

"Actually, I would prefer to fix up a date for DD to come to yours because..."

You're getting there. Say it the next time. No need to go on a training course because you've recognised the shortcomings.

Only you can change yourself. Go girl.

[warthog]

well i would have done exactly the same as you actually. wouldn't have gone the extra 'well actually.. ' route. then if she doesn't, don't ask the dd back. or arrange to meet at the park / somewhere else. but absolutely don't have her dd over again until she's reciprocated.

i think she's getting the message already. you just need to re-iterate once more. job done. but prepare yourself for your dd's not spending anymore time together. it's not totally your responsibility. this has to work for you too.

well done - it's really hard making the start but it gets a lot easier.

[Speckledeggy]

If she doesn't reciprocate and it annoys you then don't invite her DD again - simple.

There may be a million reasons why she hasn't reciprocated. Maybe she is just a lazy cow and cannot be bothered to have both of them in the house. We're all different. I wouldn't take it personally.

[jardy]

Thought you did really well

[thisisyesterday]

you know what? you shouldn't only hae her dd over in the hope that it will be reciprocated

maybe she just doesn't like having other children over?

YOU being assertive doesn't have to mean trying to force other people to have your kids to tea does it? you can't make her if she doesn't want to

i agree that it's polite to ask someone back if they have been to yours... but i really don't think you can push the point if she isn't willing

[happypiglet]

This post has put me in a spin... I am one of those 'awful' women who struggle to reciprocate playdates for my two DS's. I have three under 7, I hate hosting playdates and hardly ever reciprocate. Altho to be fair I do always say that to people when they offer to have mine. Having 4 kids in the house at tea time when everyone is tired is hard enough but then mine fight, the others feel left out, they won't eat what I cook, no homework gets done and my mind explodes. Factor in after school clubs and its just too hard.
Some of my DS's friend mums LIKE hosting playdates as they have the children occupied by a friend but it doesn't work like that for me!
So I agree stop asking the other girl over if it bothers you.

[NotQuiteCockney]

You don't need a 'because'. You can say "Actually, I would prefer to fix up a date for DD to come to yours." That's enough.

[SoLonely]

Hello, thanks for all your replies and thanks for saying well done even though I don't feel as if I did do very well.

I did stop inviting this particular friend over for a while. But it's the friend who tells DD that she wants to come to our house and so DD comes and asks me when I pick her up from school. DD wants to have her friend over too and I would feel very mean if I always say no, because as much as I think the friend's mum is rude, I don't want to let my views on the mum stop DD from having her friend over. They have been friends since Reception (now in year 2).

I know the mum hasn't got a problem with having her DD's friends over as I know she has many other friends over quite regularly.

I am just annoyed as the other mum seems to have no problem with being assertive and in fact can be quite rude and blunt at times and I think unless I develop some assertive skills, I will forever be steamrollered by her and others like her.

[SoLonely]

Justthis, thanks for that link, will have a closer look now.

[clam]

Well, the first thing is to train your DD not to ask you to have people over to play when said friend is standing there on the playground. I had to drum that one into my DD quite forcibly. And also apply it to when she was on the phone. I got overheard objecting to the plan once, when I didn't realise she had the phone in her hand and the friend heard every exasperated word.

[SoLonely]

Have ordered the book. There is a long backstory as to why I have not developed the skills to be assertive. I am looking forward to learning these skills and being able to have the things I would like in life, but without being aggressive or going without by being a doormat.

[SoLonely]

clam, it's very difficult. They are only 6. DD's friend is always asking to come to ours and DD just comes over and asks me. I have often said no, not today, even if said friend is standing there. The thing is I am happy to have the friend over, she is a sweet little girl and they have been friends since Reception, I just think I need to stop feeling upset and annoyed that the mum never seems to think it would be polite/nice for her DD to have our DD over too once in a while and do something about it. Even if it means literally asking her to have DD over to theirs. After the amount of times we have had her DD I actually don't think it would be rude of me to ask. But I need to learn how to ask in a pleasant, nice, but assertive manner. I need to learn this skill not just in relation to playdates, but for many other areas of my life too, and this as good a place to start learning as any I think.

[Gonesouth]

I probably had other peoples DCs over to mine than the other way around. For lots of reasons but sometimes it was because my DCs didn't like going to particular houses.

Some of the other mothers were OK in the playground, but my DCs didn't feel comfortable with them when they went to play. Often because some used it as a questioning session, trying to find out personal informtion about our family.

These playdates are now a distant memory for me and they are one of the things in my life I am truly glad is now at an end.

Being assertive is also about not getting yourself into these situations and you will soon be able to do that. However, I know its hard to do when there are pressures on you to conform.

[SoLonely]

Gonesouth, yes, I am looking forward to when I am not involved so much in arranging DD's social life. I have to say, I do wonder why DD's friend is so keen to come to ours, she asks to come over quite regularly. Perhaps she likes it here, and even though i do say so myself, DD is a lovely, kind, funny and engaging little girl.

[aurynne]

I personally don't believe everyone has to reciprocate things in the same way. My DP and I, for example, love to have people for dinner, and to stay over. However, we would never expect people to ask us over... would be nice if they did, but we accept that not everyone likes the same things, or they just don't work for everyone else. The same friend that came for dinner and slept in our guest room may "reciprocate" by inviting us out for dinner another day, or taking care of our dog for a weekend.

If you're not happy having your DD's friend over that often, simply say "no, tomorrow does not work for me". You don't need to give any reasons why, it is your house and your time. But if you actually don't mind having her, then I would recommend you not to "count the times your DD stays at her" to try to make it even. Instead, think if there are other things your DD's friend or her mom do for you. Or don't worry about "getting even" and enjoy your DD being happy. You will feel much better :)

[SoLonely]

aurynne, thanks for your post and i do 'get' what you are saying. I have had DD's friend over a lot and will continue to do so occasionally because it makes DD happy. But DD would also like to go to her friend's house too and that is really the reason I feel I need to be assertive about this. I feel sad for DD when she finds out that the mum has had other friends over but not DD.

I think it is partly because the mum is part of a 'clique' and they are all in and out of each other's houses. I am not part of the clique but DD is friends with the DDs of the clique mums iyswim? But DD's friend seems to consider DD a close friend and I think it is a bit for the mum to not have DD over sometimes, purely because she knows it would make her own DD happy and nothing to do with trying to reciprocate playdates.

[AccidentalAcelotyl]

If your dd wants her friend to come to yours and if you are happy having her, then I would just keep inviting her. You are doing something valuable for your dd by helping her develop her friendships and by having a welcoming house for her friends. I would be flattered that the other girl likes spending time in your house.

My ds has a friend who always comes to ours but is never invited back - I do wonder why, but because my ds really likes him, we keep inviting him.

I definitely would not ask the other mother to have your dd over - this is not assertive, I think it is a bit rude to invite yourself to someone elses' house.

Yes, it is odd that the other mother has other children over to theirs but doesn't ahve your dd over. But you don't know the ins and outs of this - she could be repaying other favours by having their children, she might do it because she feels she has to - and would you want your dd to be in someone's house who doesn't really want her there? I know I wouldn't actaully want my child to go to someone's house if that was the case.

[KERALA1]

I dont think you should be so hard on yourself. Personally dont think it is socially acceptable to force an invitation to someone elses house, however assertive or not you are. I would be rather if someone did that to me. You can only change your behaviour ie stop having the little friend over if the lack of recipreocity (sp) upsets you. I think aurynne is spot on actually - you have to host people in the spirit of giving and not expect anything back.

[KERALA1]

Ooh flashback memory - when I was your dd's age I always went to tea at my little friend's house never my own I remember my mother getting upset about it. The reason was that my friend had a bigger garden with a toad in it which we were both fascinated by it was as simple as that.

[didgeridoo]

I agree with thisisyesterday. Does the other mum invite her children to your house or just respond to invitations from you? You can hope someone will reciprocate but you shouldn't EXPECT it. I can sympathize with the other mum as I hate dinner parties. I get all panicky when we're invited to one because I don't really want to go but don't want the others to feel snubbed. Then I feel forced into inviting people back & dread it the whole time. Maybe that's how your friend sees playdates? If the dc's get on I would just keep inviting their friends over with no expectations. There's nothing wrong with trying to be more assertive though, as long as you assert yourself appropriately, so good luck with that!

[smupcakes]

It is annoying that she doesn't reciprocate - but is it that you keep offering or she asks?

If you keep offering I'm another one for the can't force it camp. What if her husband and her are splitting up at the moment and they're always fighting etc etc etc? There may be a million reasons why she isn't in the position to have any children over. But if it's been going on for ages she is likely just lazy / hates play dates.

There's no right for your DD to go to hers just because her DD came yours though. It bothers you, just don't ask/accept again. I don't think it's entirely a question of assertiveness.

[AllarmBells]

Its hard to become assertive because its about thinking of what to say at the right time AND actually coming out with it. The fact that you SAID something to her, even if you now feel you should have said more, is a huge step forward IMO. I think you've done really well.

I second the Anne Dickson book recommendation, it's great.

Perhaps next time your DD asks you could say "Well, it's your turn to go to X's house, perhaps X could ask her mum?" Put the mum in the position you've been put in. It's mildly cheeky, but so is sending her DD off to yours repeatedly and not reciprocating.

Good luck :)

[escape]

remember - you can't change other peoples behaviour, only your own. There is an issue with the other woman, not you.
If you genuinely get sick of the other girls coming around - don't ask them!