cheating husband, when will I feel better?

[twinkle1010]

Husband left two months ago, walked out saying that we had grew apart, loved me not in love me etc... Lots of people made suggestions that perhaps he had been cheating. He looked me in the eye and denied it numerous times.

Checked his emails on sunday and found out about another women. He had infact taken her away for the night a couple of weekends ago. (There was flights and a hotel booking.)Although we were not together at that time it has still sickened me and feels like a betrayal. There were also emails that were very suggestive from before we split up although no more hotels etc

I am devestated, whilst we were together I trusted him completely, we have been together since we were 16 (14 years, two years married with a child.) and I dont know what to do next.

He admitts that they had been texting/flirting etc for several weeks before he left but that was all that happened. But I just cant believe him, I feel so betrayed.

I want to move on and get on with my life for the sake of my child but I feel like Im back in that dark place of two months ago.

What do I do next? Feeling so humiliated and hurt atm.

[celticfairy101]

These feelings will go with time, and I'm afraid that will take months. However, believe me, you will feel better, stronger and ready to move on.

How an adult can look you in the eye and tell lies is beyond me. I always believe that despicable behaviour such as having an affair, texting and flirting is an affair, leads to poor behaviour anyway.

I wish you all the best in the forthcoming months.

[gettingeasier]

I am so sorry this has only come out now it would have been better to know what you had to deal with from the start instead of beginning to recover and then being thrown back into emotional chaos. I doubt your H realises his cruelty in lying to you about this.

In terms of what to do next that depends on whether you want to find out everything that may have happened or you want to accept some kind of EA went on but he has left and to draw a line beginning the process of recovering and moving on. Only you know what is best for you on that score.

Sadly Celtic is right it will be a long journey to recover from this not just the end of your marriage but that he is with someone else is very painful.

I am one year on and yes there have been some dark times but you do get better and move on.

In the meantime talk to your friends and family and get as much support as you can it makes a big difference. And of course keep posting/ranting/venting on MN because there are so many of us who have been/are where you are now

[TheFantasticFixit]

Oh I feel for you so much - it is heartbreaking to see your ex start to move on and know that there is a possibility that their 'new' relationship may have started whilst you were still together. Don't feel humiliated - it isn't your embarrassment to feel although it hurts, I know. These feelings will pass - keep saying that to yourself over and over again. Allow yourself to mourn. Celticfairy is right - how an adult can lie like that is beyond me and I think always the hardest thing to understand post split.

I wish you so much luck and warmth - I really hope that the pain starts to slip away soon for you - you will be okay. You will.

[Karmann]

The others are right Twinkle, the passage of time heals and it is a painful journey but you will get there.

The hurt this causes is immense but it lessens with time, especially if you are able to start doing things that interest you. It's difficult, I know, but do try and do something each day, however small it is, to make yourself keep functioning and take your mind off it for a while. You will find that not thinking about it for half an hour extends to an hour, and then to two hours.

There is no need for you to feel humiliated, this is in no way your fault. The humiliation is his to own for his inability to be a decent human being.

Keep posting here, you will get lots of support.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Twinkle It doesn't surprise me in the least that you feel propelled back to that dark place, now that you have discovered he was having an affair all along. What's actually going to help you somewhat is if you can get angry about that; angry that you were lied to and that he would have preferred your continuing pain, rather than honesty about his real reasons for leaving.

Men in your H's position would rather prolong your agony than live with the consequences of the truth. They would rather pretend to be a tortured soul wrestling with changed feelings and huge soul-searching, when the reality is that they are a common-or-garden adulterer following the same life script as a million men, the world over.

Your post is also a salutary and apposite reminder to women who are currently hearing the same tired old lines that you heard 2 months ago. Thank goodness you know the truth now. Celebrate that Twinkle, because knowledge is power.

Now back to that script, because there is some good news ahead for you. Looking at your OP, you are only 30. You have one much-loved child. If you've been with your H since you were 16, the world is now open to you with all its opportunities. At some point in the coming weeks and months, that's going to feel exciting.

Statistically, very few relationships that start as an affair go on to be successful. Some do, of course, but IME, only if the couple regret some of their actions (if not the relationship) and try to do right by the people they have left behind, including giving them some closure and honesty.

It is far more common that men in your H's position have confused lust and excitement, with love. The fact that he was also inexperienced when he settled down, lends weight to that. At some point in the future, that "new relationship" phase will end and other competing pressures will start to intrude, such as seeing and maintaining his child, facing up to the people who have in the past, believed his hackneyed tale of lost love, etc.

I bet he has woven an incredible tale to friends and family that he met this woman after he left, or that "nothing happened" with her, before he left you. I hope you will now disabuse them of this notion, if you get the chance, but if it helps, few people with even half a brain would fall for that tale anyway.

Meanwhile you can and should move on now. Use your anger wisely and in ways that will help you, not harm you.

[twinkle1010]

Thank you for your relies and support.

The whole thing feels like suh a cliche. She is 22 and works in his office!

I feel like such a fool for believing him. He was distant and sometimes unkind during the last couple of months of our marriage and now it all makes sense. Im so sad that it had to end this way, before I found out the 'truth' I had though that perhaps in time we could have had some sort of friendship for the sake of our child but no I wonder if I can ever forgive him.

I feel torn between contacting her and telling all his family what he has been up to or just trying to quietly get on with life. I dont yet feel anger I just feel pain.

Have phoned in sick at work, they know what is going on and have been very supportive, as have family and friends. Just wish I could go back six months ago, I felt happy and thought that my life was perfect!

[gettingeasier]

I wouldnt contact her or his family twinkle. One thing that has stood me in good stead is knowing I have behaved with dignity and dont have anything to look back on that makes me cringe. If you have great support from your own family and friends then rage/cry/vent whatever with them dont sully yourself with contact with the ow.

Oh and dont feel like a fool for trusting him he was your husband of course you trusted him.

[twinkle1010]

The thing is I see members of his family (mum, dad, brother etc) on a regular basis. MIL looks after my child one day per week and I often see her about as we all live nearby. How will I pretend everything is ok? Im also quite good friends with my SIL and we speak regularly.

I doubt very much that he will have told them.

Dignity sounds good but Im not sure if I can :(

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

But twinkle you can tell people the truth, without compromising your dignity. I wouldn't contact the OW, but that is vastly different to feeling you have to collude in a lie. I'm sure they've got their own suspicions anyway. When a member of my extended family left his wife and young DCs all of a sudden, the first question I asked was "Who is she?" and of course, there was someone else involved.

It doesn't mean you have to vilify him to his family, because they will have conflicted loyalties as it is. But you can quietly and calmly point out the facts and tell them how much worse this has made you feel. You do not have to keep secrets for him and it is not your responsibility to protect him from others' reactions.

[twinkle1010]

Yes your right, they probably do all have suspisions. I just hope that they didnt know all along because the thought of that it too much to bare. Although in my rational moments I really think that they didnt know as they would have been horrified.

Im trying very hard not to contact her, although it would be very easy to.I just keep thinking that if I found out more lies later on I could end up back here again! Wish there was a way to know the complete truth but I guess that is impossible.

He has been keeping his distance at my request and yet I am torn between wanting to contact him to get the truth (and unbelievably missing him) and ignoring him and trying to get by without him.

I am so confused x

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

I've been where you are now, it's horrible and I really feel for you.

Don't contact the OW, it won't achieve anything apart from a very fleeting sense of satisfaction. It helped me to write her lots of emails and then delete them. She may not be on the scene for very long, and you will feel better in the long run if you just manage to keep your dignity. I totally understand how difficult this is though.

Try and focus on you now, don't torture yourself thinking of your H or OW. It's all about you, and what you can do to protect yourself and move on from this. And believe me, you will move on. Wishing you lots of strength. Take support wherever you can. H's family were fantastic with me, I just told them the truth and they've continued to be incredibly supportive.

[twinkle1010]

I might try the writing/deleting emails. Ive started a diary im hoping that it will help to clarify my thoughts and feelings.

[ll40]

hi, this might not be good advice but i struggled on for months trying to hope that time would ease the pain and i got worse and worse. eventually i saw the dr and got anti depressants. i know this is not ideal and i do still have lows but i definitely feel a lot stronger and more positive about the future now. it is impossible to erase the feelings you have had for another person and hurts even more when they have lied to you and cheated on you. you have to know you deserve better but everything is easier said than done. i know as i am still going through it and the pain is still there. good luck and be strong for your child x

[AnyFawker]

twinkle, you sound wonderful, and sensible, and much, much more grown-up than your cheating husband

you will be fine

I feel it in my water

very hard times for you just now, but you will be ok

because what is the alternative ???

[twinkle1010]

Thanks for the replies.

The thing is I know I will be ok in the end because I know deep down I can be strong and because I have to be for my daughter. Im just not sure how at the moment.

I dont want to make bad decision and judgements whilst I am such a mess. Just wish that I could fast forward to a time when it doesnt hurt so much. If only I could stop thinking about them for a while so thact I could focus on me and how I feel.

I know that lots of you have been here and have survived through the pain and hurt. Why do they do it to us?