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Relationships

just everything

31 replies

luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 08:34

I dont even know where to start!
My GP has put me on anti-depressants as of last friday, and i feel like there making me feel worse as well as a bit ill.
I broke down about a month ago, my baby was not sleeping well and not taking her feeds well and i think i just got to the end of my tether and cracked just as my husband was about to leave for work! I told him i was not happy and felt isolated and hate living where we do.
felt a bit better after getting that off my chest,and we had a long chat when he was finished work and he said we would look into moving back north.

Now i just feel i'm getting so unhappy here, there's more that happened just before we married and i lost my best friend because of it, and i've never been able to talk to anyone because ofit.

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Anniegetyourgun · 04/11/2010 08:50

ADs can make you feel anxious and queasy, and can affect your sleep, before your body adjusts to them - typically about two weeks. The GP should have warned you about this. Hang on and they should start doing their job very soon. However not all ADs suit everybody, so be prepared to ask the GP to change them if these don't work for you.

Could you get your GP to refer you for some counselling? It might help a lot if you can talk to someone whose job is to listen and not to judge.

It's a good thing your husband listened and seemed to take you seriously, but don't let things just drag on; he might think when you're on the little pills you'll calm down and he won't have to bother about moving (though I could be doing him a disservice). Medication doesn't solve your problems, it just stops you feeling overwhelmed by them. The reason for your upset still needs to be tackled.

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queenrollo · 04/11/2010 08:54

would it help you to talk on here about what happened just before you married?
Or as Annie suggested ask your GP for a counselling referal?

She's right about the AD's too, they do often make you feel a little worse before they start working.

Are you isolated because you live rurally or because you don't have friends where you are?

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 11:35

We moved just outside glasgow, because thought that would be best for jobs! so we are near his family!
A few weeks before we got married, i found out that he had been sexting/texting other women, i was completely broken with that, and naturally i had to speak to someone about it and it was my best friend. she told me i needed to speak to him about it which i did, and after several hours of talking, he apoligised and was quite upset.
The following week i felt there wassomething not right,and i found more texts.
I confronted him straight away and told him this was his last chance.

i think it really knocked my confidence and i guess some of my trust in him but i love him and wanted to make it work, much to my friends dismay as she thought he did not deserve me after what he done. Therefore we have never spoken since! i miss her so much.

We bought our house a year after our wedding, and i think since then i wasn't truly happy living down near Glasgow, but i got on with it and thought things would settle down, but since i was pregnant its gradually gotten worse and now i really hate living here.
i feel like i'm doing everything around the house, and looking after my wee one (she's a treasure) i have said to him plenty for some help and he does for a couple of days then its back to me doing it all.

Now i feel like i'm runing on empty.

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tallwivglasses · 04/11/2010 12:19

Quite upset? Shock

He should be devastated that he nearly ruined your marriage!

Does his family know what he's done (I'm guessing not). Why aren't they rallying round and giving you some support?

Would moving again really help? You'll still be in the same situation (low confidence, wary of trusting him, acting like a servant)albeit with more people you know around you. That struck a chord because I remember once thinking moving would be the answer to my problems, but I just took my unhappiness with me!

As for your friend, I've been in her situation and I'm not surprised she's had enough. It's horrible trying to support a friend when she won't take your advice but continues to moan about her situation. Could you call/email her and say that while you've decided to stay in your relationship, it will be off-topic next time you meet?

I couldn't live like that though. No wonder you feel overwhelmed by it all x

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 12:30

i absolutely hate living here,

No no one knows what happened before the wedding! i'm too embarrased to even mention anything knowing how my parents would react, but they wud support me in my decisions.

i would love to get back in touch with her, but i dont know what to say.

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malinkey · 04/11/2010 12:43

Just say you miss her and see if she's open to reconnecting?

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tallwivglasses · 04/11/2010 12:58

I think you need a holiday. Can you take your little'un back north for a few days - a chance to get some support and re-charge your batteries?

It also might make your H realise what he'd be missing if you never came back.

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 13:05

i go up every 3-4 weeks! orders from my dr!

i was up for a week last time and H was working that week so came up at the wknd.

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RudeEnglishLady · 04/11/2010 13:16

Don't really know what to say about all the husband stuff but I know that ADs often make you feel worse before they make you feel better.

ADs are pretty serious medication IMO and need to be used with care. So its vital that you eat properly, get outside for a walk once or twice per day, have your husband on board and helping with chores etc. IME and O they will not work if you take them and carry on in the same way as you have. Depending on what kind they are, you could be feeling a bit 'high' and disorientated, you could have trouble sleeping or once I even had the runs for a week. In fact I have found them so difficult to manage that I just obsess with keeping my moods up through natural methods. I don't mean ADs don't work - they totally do, but they are not an alternative to you and your husband looking after you properly.

If you start to feel really bad you must go back to the GP and tell them exactly your physical and mental symptoms.

Hope you feel better soon - sounds like you have a lot to process. Maybe speak to your HV about a baby group type thing in your area. I hate joining stuff but its great once you get into it!

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 13:17

omg i just sent her an email, didn't even know what to say.have i done the right thing?Hmm

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prettyfly1 · 04/11/2010 13:28

Yes you have. If she is any sort of a friend she will be there. If she isnt she wont. What did you say.

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 13:32

hardly a thing! said "we used to be best friends, can we try and make amends"


i go to a baby group on thursday afternoons and starting to go to a baby&toddler group once a week too.

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LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 04/11/2010 13:52

Depression affects way more than just your mood, it affects the body too, so you will feel physically tired,your concentration goes, your sleep. And that's without having a baby!

Agree with REL, you can feel abysmal before you start to feel better.

Now, the changes in your life recently are enough in themselves to trip up your mood. Add to this the strife with your H, it's much more likely that you will struggle to cope.

Take you away from your surroundings, in a new area without much access to family, friends and familiar places and I'm afraid the ducks are all lined up!

Incidentally, do you feel better for talking about this with us? I hope so? You can't keep that bottled up, any one of us would need help and advice on how to get through it.

I hope your friend DOES come back to you. Perhaps your DH behaviour since can convince her that although he was wrong to do it, he has honoured you and respected you ever since.

You need to get DH on some kind of routine. He needs to be responsible for certain things happening, to help you with housework, child care and anything else you need help with.

Even without you being diagnosed with depression I'd say this, but with it, I say he absolutely has to support you. he needs to be asking how he can help you.

Keep talking to us, it ought to help. Depression loves isolation! Thrives on it. The only way to beat it is to not lock yourself away, but to get out and to do things even depression is telling you there is no point. There is always a point to living.

coconuts, you are doing really well, considering what you have on your plate. Count on us however you need to, and we'll help you feel better.

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 04/11/2010 19:37

I knew the tablets would probably make me feel worse before better. i'm tired and feeling a bit sick with them but i'm not loosing any sleep, my baby is up once through the night, sleeping through for the first time one night lastweek was just wonderful.:-)

I know i'm really bad at keeping things to myself and just bottling it.

i think there is still a part of me that hasn't forgiven him for it. so i should also say that he slipped and done it a month after the wedding. felt like throwing him out but i didn't,just tried to ignore it.

its affected things in the bedroom dept for me, even now!

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LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 04/11/2010 20:50

How long have you been married. What I'm asking is how long ago did he do this again?

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Antalya1 · 04/11/2010 21:28

Sorry I completely disagree with your friend abandoning you. No matter what happens your friends should be there for you, in a way it's similar if a grown child follows a path that you disagree with, you wouldn't abandon them, neither would you say I told you so if it all went belly up. I would always be there for close friends, I have done things that they disagree with and vice versa, but we're there to support each other, not judge and cop out when the going gets rough.

I agree with how ADs can make you feel at first, it does take a couple of months to settle down and really start to kick-in.

You can't ignore the sex-texting, but probably at the moment by the sounds of it you don't feel strong enough to deal with this. You will, but maybe not for a couple of months or so. There certainly seems to be some talking that you have to do when you're feeling more on an even keel.

The house move sounds like a good idea, feeling isolated will only compound things, can you get your house on the market and then at least you may feel as though you are heading in the right direction and more importantly you may feel better that you have made a positive step.

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 05/11/2010 11:08

we have been married for 3years.

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LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 05/11/2010 11:50

I'm sure that part of you has not forgiven him.

That's understandable, the situation has not been dealt with. You can't just sweep that all under the carpet, and hope it all goes away. The immediate pain might, but the resentment and loss of trust won't.

Have you suggested counselling? I think now, more than ever, some relate counselling might help you both. It'll definitely help you to have a safe and supportive place to talk out your feelings.

You need to calmly talk to your DH and tell him that you are struggling to cope with everything and any help he can offer you will really help get you all back on a better footing and help you find your way back to being you. Smile

If it helps to organise your thoughts, write down the stuff you do, all of it and ask him what tasks he could take on, so that you are no longer overwhelmed.

If going back home up north would be helpful to you, then look into it. It's not going to happen overnight anyway, but if it gives you hope and something to look forward to, check it out!

Hope you are having a good day today!

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 05/11/2010 11:54

It's so hard sometimes, i try and talk to him about everything and he does listen but quite often its over with in 10mins! grr. and i still feel like its not completely resolved.

whats worrying me now is i seem to be having thoughts of being on my own, as in us not together.

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 05/11/2010 15:32

please help?

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mumonthenet · 05/11/2010 15:42

Coconuts, just seen this thread and just want to send you some good vibes. Sorry you're having a tough time. I think it was a great idea to email your old friend. If she's a good friend she'll remain so, even if she thinks your dh is twant. I hope she replies soon.

I'll have to post and run but hopefully someone else will be along soon.

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tesrocks · 05/11/2010 15:48

Hi coconuts, I have had a v rough time with my DH and one night when we were out with 3 other couples I just broke down - think the wine might of helped!

Anyhow since then these 3 friends who I only used to see/speak to once or twice a year are there for me. We e-mail, meet up for coffee and generally support one another. I now know their lives aren't perfect and they need me as much as I need them.

Basically a good friend will be there for you. However I do think you need to sit your DH down and make him listen, explain that you are still hurting and might be happier on your own if this can't be resolved. I think men sometimes like to keep their heads down and fingers crossed that everything is OK when its not. Good luck x

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 05/11/2010 17:17

i dont know what to do, jst feel like there's nothing left in me anymore?

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luvlybunchofcoconuts · 05/11/2010 21:18

?

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mumonthenet · 05/11/2010 22:48

coconuts,

don't DO anything at present, but take good care of yourself and your baby. Probably your anxiety is a side-effect of the AD's. Just try to relax, treat yourself well, get some sleep, eat something you love, light scented candles, you and your baby are the priority at the moment. Tomorrow, plan a weekend back home to see your family and friends.

Then, when you're feeling calmer, which you will, you can address the probs with your dh.

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