Ok so a bit of background. From my POV things have been very strained for a long time in our marriage.
I have relocated due to DH career leaving friends/family behind, I also have not had a chance to have any time to do anything for myself, nothing, no evening courses, no social events, nothing I am losing myself and my only trips out of the house are school runs, I joke not.
I'm so resentful of him, he has this career, the qualifications, the trips away, I have nothing. My kids are not nothing but I don't know who I am anymore.
As a couple sex is mainly for his benefit, I enjoy it but he does not really do it for me, in that it's all very aimed at his pleasure and that's all.
We have never spent a night by ourselves since our wedding night, I kid not. Last time we went out as a couple was 13 months ago for a few hours, I joke not.
Ok childcare is hard for us but it's not impossible, he always makes excuses, he'd sit at home all night on the net, every day if he could.
Big birthday for me coming up, his job will get in the way and that's his doing, he has made no effort to arrange anything, he thinks if he takes me out for an hour that will suffice. I have arranged back up plans to do things instead so now he thinks he does not have to do anything.
I am the one being selfish here apparently, maybe I am, but he won't listen, I feel dead inside I don't have any social life outside the house and the one adult I have daily contact with, we don't do anything.
It's reached a point where I can't continue in this relationship as it stands, I have reached my breaking point.
Today I tried to talk to him and he trashed loads of his stuff, threw things around the bedroom, saying I'd be happy if he had nothing, he'd trash all his stuff as I have taken everything, his money etc, we also have a new baby which he pushed for, (I know).
I just don't know where to turn, my HV is a good start I think. I just can't live like it anymore, it's so draining emotionally and I am running on empty. Either the relationship changes drastically or I have to leave for my own sanity.
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Relationships
Manchild tantrum.
manchildmum · 02/11/2010 12:48
Well, that's what I mean it's just crept up. I have tried raising these issue in the past but they kept getting brushed under the carpet. So it's at the point now where it's just gone on and on and on and I am jst so down about it all.
By money he means he is the one that works and the loan and stuff for the car is in his name, so I have taken all his money 
the car etc he insisted he buy.
I have no friends any more 
the 2 I have at home I am still in contact with are miles away. That's my life I have no friends, I take the kids to school, come home and wonder if DH is going to acknowledge me when he walks in the door. Or blank me, moan about the housework or go straight on the net or to bed.
I miss having friends, I miss going out without the kids for a few hours, be it to work, evening school, someones house. I don't do anything anymore, I know no-one here and he wants to move somewhere else for a different job, where I'll be isolated further.
I don't know if I want to be with him in all honesty. He thinks when I mention seperation, it's an empty threat and I won't do it, but right now my emotions for him are ranging from love, hate and resentment.
I treated myself to a new dress by mail order for a family function coming up. Really pleased with it when it showed up as I can't fit my wobbly baby fat into anything else right now and it's a very pretty dress. Rather than a compliment or nothing I got a dig "Oh you are going to get cold" FFS for once can't he be nice or pay me a compliment without it being because he wants sex.
The kids are young, I could go for a few nights over the weekend to visit family and clear my head, that could be possible.
I am just so unhappy and he won't listen or understand why. I have no-one, nothing, no life, just nothing. He thinks I am selfish, I have my kids, I have a good life provided by him and he is my friend our social life is together.
We don't do anything, I am a mum and go as far as the school, that's it, I don't have any interaction with grown ups apart from him and it's non existent.
He is abusive and controlling. Read lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"
'Just digs at my mental health, my ability as a mum and my looks, not to mention what a lifes failure I am and how fucking useless I am. How did I get to this stage of allowing him to do this to me.
I am so sad and have no one to go and talk too. I want the old me back.'
Listen to that little voice in your head that wants you back. It is your lifeline. Join in the NPD thread on Relationships [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1033653-NPD-Abusive-partner-Recovery-thread (here it is), read the excellent links there posted by ItsGraceAgain.
Give your HV a call when the H is out of the house. Do you have a local Women's Aid? See if you can get there for a chat.
So sorry you are going through this. It is so hard when you can't win for losing, and everything you do gets sneered at and sabotaged. You need to set yourself the goal of getting strong again, one step at a time, disengaging from him emotionally (you sound as if there's a lot of anger there, and that's good), and building yourself back up bit by bit.
Well it's been really hepful to post actually thanks ladies, I feel like it's all just come spilling out in a gush and oddly it feels better.
I suppose it's been a denial thing, I have been thinking for a while, well I am a naggy old cow, I have let myself go a bit etc. I also have questioned my mental health and my ability as a mum and would he use this if we split. But I have realised it's not me, I have become this person as I feel like crap, empty basically is the only way I can describe it. I feel empty because my husband won't listen and help me be me and do things for me or support me. Which I know now is why I feel so down. I know I am not mentally ill, I just want some of myself back and that does not make me a bad or selfish mum. I love my children more than life, but just want 5 mins at some point.
I know that is all me, me, me but just for once I do actually need me time and do things for me as it's always about him.
There is an old strong part of me that kicked in today when I saw this tantrum, I need to change me, us to feel better and I can do it and I will as I don't want to live like it and the children to have an unhappy mum, I am scared it will eventually break me mentally and I can't have that.
I have just been told on a quick phoncall to the dr's/hv of a local meeting for mums with young kids, (I asked) so I'm going tomorrow, small steps and that. I feel a bit nervous but I'll go and I haven't told him I'm going either. She'll still come Thurs but I will go to clinic by myself after this group.
He's just come upstairs and started being nice, saying he loves me, we can work this out. I'm not fat, if anything getting too skinny, things will change, re time together if I move with him if he changes job..........then he puts our frustrations down to lack of sex and a new baby See he is nice when he wants a shag, that's half my problem with him ahh!
Dignified Thanks so much for the offer of the book it's very kind, I'll order it from Amazon I think as it's only £6 odd with prime, so cheaper than you posting it and the added bomus I have lots of stuff coming from them at the moment due to Christmas, so he won't see it.
Glad I posted now, I did think why am I, but I just felt so desolate and lonely earlier, I needed somewhere to talk as I have no-one and it's really actually helped a lot. I am greatful for the replies.
I have just spent so long living a lie I guess, on the outside perfect life, even I thought so really, kids, perfect husband, money, lifestyle etc and all the time I have been losing myself as the price and it's clicked. So now I am isolated totally and am now hitting issues as I want to change it and undo it all. But I can change this, I think slowly but surely I can do it. I can use here for posting rants and use the doors my HV opens for the rl stuff. As none of this life is real really it looks good but is bad for me, much like a Chinese takeaway 
at like a takeaway.
Im glad its helped , and im glad your going to this meeting tomorrow . Do keep on posting , youll get lots of support from people whove been exactly where you are .
The sex thing , grim isnt it. You know what , i didnt get off for over five years. When i stated i didnt see the point anymore he was genuineley shocked and then became outraged . How dare i have feelings of my own !
After reading that book i franticly started ordering loads of similar books and spent a small fortune . If you notice any others youd like give me a shout first and save yourself some money . A fantastic one is Living With The Dominater .
Its to do with the Freedom Programme , a 12 week free course that teaches you about Emotional Abuse , i hear its great fun , childcare provided ect, and many women go several times . Theres bound to be one in your area , may be worth looking up on the net .
You havent said where abouts you are , but if your anywhere in the North West you can have a weekly night out with me , complete with bad singing and a compulsery kebab !
'he is nice when he wants a shag, ' Reading this and what you consider to be 'nice' I am going because saying 'he loves me, we can work this out. I'm not fat, if anything getting too skinny, things will change, re time together if I move with him if he changes job..........then he puts our frustrations down to lack of sex and a new baby' is not being one bit nice.
It's basically continuing to assert his right to pass judgement on your weight, and making excuses for his terrible treatment of you, and holding out a carrot for you to keep you in line instead of the cold shoulder and the outright abuse that he normally uses.
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