DH thinks it's over

[totallysadtoday]

Hi,

DH came home drunk last night and told me that he doesn't think we should carry on - married for 18 years, DC (one with special needs).

He says that although we love each other that isn't enough. There's a list of ongoing unresolved issues between us, such as the fact I choose to work part time (which he sees as inconvenient), our respective parents (his in particular are v difficult).

DH says that I'm sad all the time, not the person that he married, and that whatever he does he can't make me happy. He is also unsatisfied with our sex life. DH basically thinks that we should call it a day and be "best friends" rather than muddling along (don't a lot of long term couples?)

I would agree that I am often grumpy due to the stress of dealing with our DD (SN).

I don't want our marriage to end over this....but can we really recover? He says that he is prepared to try but tbh he seems so defeated already.

He seems so unsatisfied with his life, in particular his job, our problems with DD, and I think he is really looking for an easy way out. He's also just turned 40!

What can I do?

[dignified]

I hate to say this , but is it possible theres someone else on the scene ? Is this just out of the blue ?

[totallysadtoday]

I asked DH outright and he denied it.

It's the first time that we have ever discussed the prospect of divorce, but the issues about our parents, my working etc have been in the background for a while.

[mumblechum]

What do you want to do?

[Tortington]

to his face i would talk and be calm and rational.

behind his back...i would be off the solicitors finding out my rights, get advice from cab and diverting any cash funds i could

[totallysadtoday]

I want to make it work - not just for the DC but for us too - I always thought that we had a fundamentally strong marriage.

I am so sad that DH appears able to think about giving up on it, without really having even talked it all through.

Things seem to have suddenly escalated from issues being background grumbles to full blown problems...without any inbetween stage.

I really don't understand what's happening.

[Teaandcakeplease]

I think if he is prepared to try, some marriage counseling with Relate would be a good idea.

Have you spoken to your GP about how low you feel?

It seems to me with all the stress you're both under with your DD, his disatisfaction with life, various unresolved issues etc it is no wonder things have hit crunch time. However if you're both prepared to be patient and honest with each other and seek marriage counseling, this can be turned around from what I've read in your post. It also sounds like he's verging on a mlc too and he should maybe speak to the GP separately as well.

My post seems so lame reading it back but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. Have a cup of tea or something stronger and sit on mumsnet tonight, the virtual support and help you'll receive tonight, will help you feel more resolved whatever you decide x

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Counselling, definitely. There's a lot you need to talk about here.

TBH, it also sounds like a bit of a mid-life crisis (assuming there's definitely no-one else involved).

If you can't face/get to counselling, then you need to talk, talk and talk some more. (Oh, and when sober!)

[sungirltan]

he osunds really depressed op and don't take that as a criticsim of you. agree with others he should see gp. men seem to reach out blindly for solutions when things get too much for them

[ScaryFucker]

I am sorry, but the rapid change from "grumbles" to "it's over" points to an exit relationship

he has met someone else, or someone else is suddenly occupying a much more elevated position in his life

[TDaDa]

It could also be his way of saying "it's not working and can we please find another way". Dangerous though, for him to go that way.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I'm so sorry, but like others on this thread, I think there's more to this than you are being told. Even allowing for drink, this is a big leap from "grumbles in the background" to "I think we should split". I hope you are verifying what you are being told, OP.

[LaurieScaryCake]

If it's not an affair and taking it entirely on face value then you have quite a range of problems.

IME long term relationships take a lot of work and need re-defining every few years. They need to be explored and talked about.

It's just so easy to get out of fairly sedentary relationships and go and screw someone else.

The relationship needs a reality check - you both love each other which means you will be showing it, which means that your children are growing up in a loving environment.

Go to couples therapy and give it a year - your children and your love deserve every chance

[totallysadtoday]

Hi,

Thanks for all your messages.

DH has willingly agreed tonight that we should go to counselling.

Would he agree to this do you think if someone else were involved?

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

My ex did, I'm afraid. It was a total farce and we managed 4 of the 6 booked sessions before I went to the last two alone (the most useful of the lot!) It was a way for him to say, look, I tried everything, and absolved some of the guilt.

[ScaryFucker]

well, yes he would if he is invested in keeping another relationship secret

and it will be a total waste of time if that is the case

an "agreement" is not the same as actually attending and being completely honest, is it ?

however an agreement to attend is a positive 1st step, I would say

[dignified]

Mine did , although i strongly suspected anyway . I think it was so he could say " i did everything i could but you are just impossible to live with ". I also think at that point he was still unsure and didnt want to completeley burn his bridges with me until he was sure about Ow.

I hope this isnt the case for you as it puts you in the position of unwittingly competing with someone while hes just going through the motions. If i could replay it i wouldnt bother , id state i didnt want to be married to someone who felt that way , so good luck , goodbye , and id have made sure he saw me going out and having a good time without him.

[loves2walk]

It does seem odd that he would go from having issues to thinking about splitting up in such a quick leap. It does seem rare from Reading other threads that
men leave a long term relationship to set up their own home without there being another person involved. That is such a massive step so do be on your guard for an affair. Affairs aren't always physical, is there anyone he works with that he might be developing a friendship with? Even this type of seemingly innocent friendship can make someone rethink their relationship and see their partner in a different, more critical light.

But if you really think this is not the case, then it could be a knee jerk reaction to feeling really low and fed up. He may be depressed. He may be feeling so down about his life that he can't shift out the good from the bad bits so is sort of throwing it all away in despair.

The fact he is discussing counselling is really good. My DH and I are having couple counselling and it is powerful. Our issues are more on my DHs side and this is coming through strongly - that he is depressed so is helpful for him. I am convinced that I would know if my DH was being untruthful in sessions - the emotions from him are so raw and genuine that they couldn't be faked.

[totallysadtoday]

Oh dear I really don't know what to think...

I had thought that there wasn't anyone else involved but perhaps I am being naive.

Assuming that there really isn't anyone else is counselling likely to turn things around? I don't know anyone else who has gone through this so am unsure whether I am in fact wasting my time.

One other thing.......apart from me being sad DH's main gripe is that we don't have enough sex (when drunk he said that he would have to get it elsewhere if necessary). I obviously said that threatening me was going to make it even less likely to happen....but the issue remains. I think that having more sex would obviously make him happier, but in my current state that is the last thing I want to do.

Can't see what to do. Don't want to make a fool of myself if there is really someone else in the background.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

OP, this is yet another case of listening to what you are being told. He has already said he will go elsewhere for sex. When was this, exactly?

I have so often come across this situation, when someone gives a justification for what might happen (i.e. infidelity) when in fact, it is already happening in earnest. Going to counselling proves nothing. There are countless men and women on this board alone who will tell you that their counselling was a complete waste of time, because their H or W was metaphorically "hiding someone under the bed".

Like another thread on here at the moment, I want you to focus on some specific things right now. When did he stop giving to your relationship to this extent? When do you think he started to detach from you, emotionally? What behaviour have you been noticing and when did that start?

[loves2walk]

I think that if there is noone else then counselling offers a pretty good potential to help. If someone goes into it prepared to be honest and open and face really tough comments/thoughts about themselves, and all the aftermath of that - then I think it can have a huge effect.

So for example with us, I can see that each week my DH becomes 'on edge' before the session, is honest (as far as I can tell), sometimes cries during the session and sometimes I do at seeing him in emotional pain, and he is shaken up afterwards. He then goes on dealing with 'stuff' over the next 24 hrs. So it is powerful but painful. During this process we are finding ourselves closer at times and further apart at others. But I feel it is worth a shot, worth a few months of trying.

That comment your DH made about getting sex elsewhere is horrid. He may have been drunk but like you say that is a threat designed to put you down. When sober I would be asking if he is thinking of going elsewhere for sex, or is there a possibility he is tempted to explore? You need to know whether this was just drunken crap or whether there is something else going on.

IS there anything consistent about the times that you DO fancy sex that you could identify? Things that you could focus on increasing in your relationship? What I mean is that for us I identified in our counselling that I needed more affection, cosy/fun chatting, time lying together on the bed, baths together, just intimate time without an expectation of sex. And that when we did more of those things, we both felt closer and it resulted in better sex (not more sex) but the better sex was good for both of us. Prior to that my DH was kind of expecting me to be 'up for it' after a busy day with kids/work/houseworky things followed by a boring evening watching news and listening to him moaning about work. It just doesn't work that way for me! So we're compromising on less sex than he'd like, but better quality as it's now something we devote good, special time too.

[loves2walk]

Sorry didn't mean to cut across you there WWIFN - didn't see your post before I sent mine.

Hard to know whether this is depression/midlife crisis stuff or that there is someone else involved.

totallysad could you start doing a bit of searching around to see whether there might be someone else involved? Look at his phone bills? You are working in the dark a bit right now.

[totallysadtoday]

WWIFN - DH said that he would have to go elswhere for sex in our discussion at the weekend when he was drunk. He hasn't repeated that threat - but just says that we are now more like best friends. He says that whilst he fancies me I don't fancy him -he states that I never initiate sex. Is he just trying to put the blame on me do you think?

The emotional detachment point is interesting....looking back I think he has really struggled with DD's diagnosis (4 years ago), and is not really very supportive when I am trying to deal with difficult behaviours whilst he is at work. He wants the "old you" back - the fun carefree one that he married - I guess you can read into this that he's given up on me and will look for a new improved version with no baggage and no child with SN. He even suggested (whilst drunk) that another man may be better at dealing with DD - not good I know

Lovestowalk - the last para of your post absolutely describes how I feel - I need the whole affection/cuddling/emotional closeness to want sex. DH doesn't seem to get this (or perhaps can't be bothered I just don't know any more)

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

There's a lot I want to say to you, but there are so many similar threads at the moment, it might be worth having a look at them in the meantime.

Have a think about what behaviour you have seen in recent months. Have any of the following things been happening?

• Absence of small, kind gestures that would make your life easier?
  
• Defensive behaviour in response to something he has done wrong or cocked up? Do you get accusations of "nagging" and have arguments appeared out of nowhere?
  
• Has he been finding fault in you, or your behaviour, much more so than usual?
  
• Does he pretend he wants sex, but appears to be ignoring what usually gets you in the mood for sex, e.g. non-sexual affection, attentiveness, listening to you properly?
  
• Does he sigh when you say "no", yet this situation has been entirely manipulated by him because he knew you would say "no"?
  
• Has he stopped caring about his appearance and even hygiene standards, when he is with you?
  
• Secretive behaviour, especially with phones and laptops. Is everything password-protected and is the phone switched off or on silent when at home?
  
• Is he irritable and stressed and picking fights and arguments?
  
• Does he seem incredulous about everything you say? Do you find yourself doubting yourself and what you have just said?
  
• Is he disengaged from family mealtimes and situations when all the family have to interact with one another?
  
• Has he no interest in seeing in-laws or joint friends?
  
• Does he stare into space and seem pre-occupied?
  
• Despite what he says about still fancying you, does it feel as though "he's just not into you?"
  

Have a think and there's much more I can help you with.

[loves2walk]

totallysad - you never really know how much your own experience of relationship problems will mean to anyone else, so ignore this if it doesn't resonate with you! In my situation, my DH had absolutely no empathy or understanding of life from my perspective. He didn't get (or didn't attempt to try and get) what my daily issues were juggling work, small children, dreary house jobs and all the supporting of him. We now think he has been depressed for years, but to me he has just seemed really moany, always complaining about work and being very draining. He used to say that I had stopped fancying him, stopped being affectionate to him. But as he was yet another drain on me, rather than a positive connection, I hadn't stopped fancying him but I certainly had less interest in meeting his needs. So taking the time to be close and intimate on my terms has made a massive difference.

The other thing was my DHs empathy for me, took a massive nose dive when he met a work colleague who was young, attractive, single with no kids. So she was the fun, carefree alternative to me and this friendship made him switch off from me even more and be more critical of things that he might have teased me about before. That's why it may be worth looking out for signs of someone else.

Not sure if that helps, but maybe your DH is so wrapped up in his own life/issues, he can't see what you're going through with your daughter etc.. Maybe the best thing would be to have counselling to get all these issues out in the open. I find it so much easier to say certain things with a counsellor there.

[totallysadtoday]

WWIFN - I've had a look at the other threads - what is wrong with these men?!

Your list is tellingly familiar - I would agree entirely with 9 on the list (but luckily not the hygiene standards)

I think the shock has now worn off and I actually feel very angry. I am usually a very logical, calm person but feel like telling him to get out of my life if I'm no longer enough for him. I don't really feel inclined to give any more to someone who can't decide whether I am enough. Probably not the best attitude to adopt if we're going to counselling.....but why should I settle for being only just good enough? I'm better than that and he should know it.

Loves2walk - Your first para describes me exactly. I suspect that unfortunately your second para may also apply.....I just don't know about it yet.