Argument w 'D'H

[Ieattoomuchcake]

I have nobody in RL to talk to and really needto off load. Six months ago DD born nine weeks prem. The labour and birth were horrific for us both. She was in hospital for a month. DH went back to work during this time incl a week overseas. I spent 12h per day in hosp, DH nipped in for ten mins once or twice a day.

He never changed any nappies in hosp, and has changed less than ten in the five months she's been home. He has never bathed her. She is such a lovely good tempered little thing but whenever she gets a bit grumpy he is so cross about it.

He has a stressful day which involves travelling and working long hours. I always knew I'd do the majority of DD's care but he seems to do nothing. Actually that's an exaggeration. He has come swimming w us a couple of times and will hold her for a while if I ask. But I always feel he's doing me a favour and it's a nuisance to him.

He came home yesterday from a work trip. I fetched him from the airport and on the way home we had an argument about whether to wean DD onto purees or lumpy food (!!) and he stropped off to the office. Today in the half hour before bed DD was a bit grumpy and he got all stroppy about it so I called him a dick. And said he was being really unfair to DD. When I got back from putting her to bed he said he didn't want any tea because I'd called him a name. Then I went out of the room and when I came back DD was crying on the monitor. So I was grumpy and said 'have you just been sitting listening to that'. He said it had just started. I went upstairs to settle her and while I was up there he has gone out who knows where.

I just feel so guilty about DD. This is not the father I want her to have. She is so wonderful and I want her to grow up loved and cherished. I don't know whether to suggest relate, just tell DH to get his act in gear, accept that he is just really stressed at work...

Typically she is having trouble settling tonight (because of stressed out mummy?) so I need to go cuddle her again.

[WarriorQueen]

You must concentrate on your daughter... try not to worry about the other child in your relationship (h).

He maybe having trouble feeling with the pressures of having a prem baby .... have you spoken about the trauma you both suffered ?

[stinkypants]

it sounds like youre both having a hard time of it. you both will have found the early days stressful and maybe dealt with things in different ways. your dh may not have felt confident with a tiny baby. he probably still doesnt feel confident because has so little time to gain the experience and build a relationship with her. he may also be nervous of your criticism of his methods. he might feel overwhelmed by the financial burden. he may also feel he has been usurped by her. none of this means he is a terrible person. i'm not suprised he went out after being called a dick!!!.
obviously i know nothing about you both but i'm just trying to suggest how he may feel . remember you are a couple, not just parents, and try not to obsess over the baby to the exclusion of having fun together.

[Frrrrightattendant]

It could be he is one of those blokes who just doesn't get babies...it's possible that in a few years' time he might be suddenly much more involved with her.

Or, it might be he will never pick up his part of the parenting.

It depends - but it sounds like you need a proper talk x

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Hmm. Thanks for your responses. If I'm totally honest I expected everybody to be all 'poor you. He really should help more. He is out of order for stropping off'. It has been a reality check to hear that our situation must be tough on him too and that walking out after being called names is fairly reasonable.
I am just so overwhelmed by everything. And I want him to adore our daughter like I do. It's been about an hour since he went out so I'll try him on his mobile and see if he's going to pick up. And start by apologising for being so rude to him

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Well he didn't answer his phone. I started to leave a message but started crying so hung up. And have sent him an email (he has iPhone so gets emails on his phone). Probably really ill advised. But I wanted to apologise and try to explain how I feel.
This has all brought out some deeper feelings re DD. I have the health visitor on Monday so may ask her about counselling. I don't want to mess up my relationship w DH on top of everything else.

[scallopsrgreat]

I'm sorry but I disagree with the rest of the posters and from what you have written I think he is a prick. He doesn't support you at all with DD; he's just left you without a word tending his child; he gets stroppy when your DD is grumpy or restless. I don't really care how he feels tbh, his actions are speaking loud and clear. Calling him a dick wasn't the greatest move but you sound like youa re at the end of your tether and he is behaving like one!

What will he do if you don't apologise?

[RuggerHugger]

Hi,

My DD was born 10 weeks premature and like your DH my DH went back to work while she was in hospital for 6 weeks. This was unbelievable hard on my DH as he didn't get to spent much time with her or me - long hours and distance from hospital.

When DD did come home he was afraid of her - her small size( DH is a rather large rugby player), health issues, you name it. He just didn't know what to do, so his response was to do nothing. I also didn't help as I critised everything he did and thought anything he suggested was a criticism of me as a Mother.

It was an awful few months for both of us, not helped by me getting PND and going back to work fairly quickly.

We did thankfully come out the far side but it took a lot of talking and listening to each other to get through it.

I don't think your DH is a prick, probably just struggling with everything just like you.

Best thing to do, is sit down and talk to each other.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Hi rugger. I think our situations are actually really similar. DH also large rugby player type and was probably really shy around 3lb baby. So I just got on with it and took over everything. To the exclusion of him. I think there is fault on both sides and I am a bit hacked off that he's literally run off and left me holding the baby. But I think I needed reminding of his side of the story.

Our DD also has ongoing health issues, caused by problems in utero. We both find this hard to cope with and my feelings of guilt about it have bubbled to the surface this evening, while getting myself upset about DH.

I think half my problem is that I've been presenting a facade of coping and feeling fine about everything. And the strain of that has made me maybe a bit more critical of DH.

He's still not home. I have to go to bed as DD still isn't sleeping great at night so I really need to try to get to sleep. I would have liked to have spoken to him before bed but I guess thats tough.

Thanks all for answering me. I don't have anybody really to talk to and I do appreciate a bit of virtual friendship.

[RuggerHugger]

Hi IETMC,

My god,I know exactly what you are talking about.

The guilt - felt so quilty and for a long time thought it was my fault DD was born prematurely.

The coping facade - my mantra was " I'm fine", never the type to ask for help I struggled on for ages before giving into the PND.

It does get better, DD is now 6 and a healthy happy little girl, DH is wonderful with her.

Hope all goes well with your chat with your DH.

[ilovesooty]

What lovely replies from RuggerHugger. I hope things work out for you Teatoomuchcake: it sounds tough for both of you.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Well, DH came home last night after I was in bed. Slept on couch. And went out as soon as he heard us stirring upstairs. I am guessing he'll stay out till he knows I've gone to church.
So it looks like this chat will be more than me saying sorry for calling names. I just don't know how to handle it. Do I say sorry, all my fault, I'm just feeling overwhelmed etc. I think that would be the easiest option. Or should I say sorry for calling names but I feel things need to change. I think the majority of posters think his lack of help w the baby is fairly understandable. So maybe I should just work on accepting that. And not put any additional pressure on him (he's already under lots of pressure at work).

Sorry to keep coming back. I am just in such a pickle and want to do right by everybody, but not necessarily to the total exclusion of me and my needs.

[SaggyHairyArse]

I had my first at 34 weeks, H behaved like that, it never changed, ten years later I asked him to leave.

[loopylouwitchywoo6]

You come back as often as you need to, there's usually always someone here to chat to. I don't think his behaviour is fair and you need to corner him over it, one thing I have thought of as a reason for lack of contact with dd, maybe he's scared to bond with her as she has health issues and was born very prematurely, was it touch and go of her survival being born so prem?