OP is a computer!

[loisebony]

Hello everyone

Would like opinions on this please.

Have a difficult marriage but notsure for how much longer i can keep going with it now.

H is addicted to computer-plays on-line game runescape. This is his social life and this is where he gets all his 'joy' from. We dont go out-he never suggests doing anything with me.

i work full time, unsocial hours and I get very, very tired. I earn more than H and I pay the large mortgage £1000. He has a stressful job too but gets school hols off but tends to sit and play runescape-he may take younger son out.

I feel its coming to an end now as see no future because he really is not interested in me.

Im trying sort out work life as Ive just been relocated and its not working for me. i may have to take a lower paid job.

Ive joined social group (not dating) as I feel I need to get a life, when going out with work colleagues its all talk about work and I need something different.

I feel very low in mood.

My fear is having to sell, not being able to aford to buy again, will have to rent until money runs out. H wont leave house so would split 50/50. 2 boys 12y and 14y.

ATM feel I have no life, feel totally unloved, unwanted, very alone. I know the only person to make a change is me. (H does have aspergers traits)

Im 50 this year, so feel also if no change is made now i will just be left miserable as Im sure H will soon find a younger woman anyway.

Any advice from women who have felt so low and miserable in their relationships and decided to make huge changes.

Thanks for reading.
x

[loisebony]

He is ok with DC, dosent do a lot with them. 14y old son also plays game so they 'banter' together about it.

Just find H very lazy too, things need doing to the house but it normally takes a big row before anything is done.
No life is it?

[TiggyD]

People talk about having to "Work" at a relationship, but I think you also have to "work" at having a life. Sounds like your H has got stuck in a rut and needs help to get out.

[FortunateHamster]

Hi,

Quick reply as am off to bed but as others have said this is an addiction. It may be that your husband truly cannot see how bad it is at the moment.

I played an online game very similar to Runescape for a long time (not WoW) and it soon becomes all-encompassing.

They're not like normal videogames (which I have also played over the years), which you can save and switch off and nothing changes. In an online game the world and other players continue without you. If you make friends, you have to log on at certain times to see them. If you want to progress, you often have to log on at specific times to find a group of people to work with. Many of the games have lengthy 'dungeons' built in and then you can spend hours on a single mission and feel unable to stop for fear of letting down other people. You form social groups and friends with the people in them. Or you might get competitive with someone and want to keep up. You might need another real live person to make you something in-game (which they have trained to do), and they might only log on at specific times. So you see it often feels like you can't put it down - you can forget real life also has things you can't miss in it and real people who depend on you!

When I played my game I had work and my husband but no other commitments - and my DH had hobbies that kept him busy so it wasn't unusual for me to spend a whole day - literally 14 hours or more - on the PC in the game at the weekend. It never caused me to miss any real life commitments but I do believe I put far too much energy into it and got too easily upset if something bad happened in-game. I tried quitting cold-turkey once or twice and found it quite upsetting, I kept having regrets.

In the end, I just sort of outgrew it, but I still played it (with bursts of playing it too much and then playing it casually) for around four years in total. Eventually I lost the energy to keep up with game changes and my counterparts online. By the time I got pregnant last year I was only logging in once a month or so to see how people were getting on. I haven't logged on at all for six months (my son is four months old) and can't imagine ever going back. In the short time since I've stopped playing completely, so much has changed already in it - that's part of why people play so constantly, with the fear of missing anything.

Anyway that was a very long ramble and very possibly irrelevant to this situation. Your husband most certainly shouldn't be ignoring you. But I wanted to show how easily online games can become an addiction, and also how it is possible to get out of it.

Best of luck.

[mrscynical]

I was in almost exactly your situation and understand how terrible you feel. It is an addiction and I felt absolutely powerless to make my husband see sense or realise what he was doing, not only to me, but our two children. I tried reasoning, arguing, suggesting counselling - you name it, I tried. I got absolutely nowhere. To be honest I felt like I was dealing with a zombie.

I eventually divorced him which strangely upset him so much he had a breakdown. By then I was too numb to it all and could not have cared less.

I was not that much younger than you are now when this happened but felt so good when he was gone from the relationship. I feel I have got my life back and feel less 'alone' being on my own that I did when I was with him.

Funnily enough within a matter of a couple of months (whilst having the 'breakdown'!) he met another woman - over 20 years younger than him so you may well be right on that prediction! Don't know if he is still addicted, don't care.

In my youth I always avoided men who drank too much, took drugs, gambled etc. The gaming/chat room/porn addiction thing is relatively new and, in my experience, just as destructive as the old style addictions.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[loisebony]

Thanks for all your replies-really has helped and also to understand why it is so important for him to keep the 'game' going , logging in etc!

Yes i also agree, drink, gambling, drugs and addiction to computer games has a devastating effect on marriage and family life.
He has a brother who plays WOWC, his wife also plays, they are happy as they both do it and it is their 'social' life, staying in , in front of computer- it would drive me 'crazy'.

Thanks x

[montymoocow]

My hubby gets home from work and almost immediately starts playing on line games. We have 3 kids and unless they play with him they're more or less ignored. He gets really ratty with them and even ignores the baby. I feel we don't communicate much anymore and after 28 yrs wondering if this is it?

Took my ds to music lesson yesterday and the got home to find the baby had hurt himself 'cos he was in another room and hadn't watched the baby.

Difficult 'cos he works very hard and financially does more than his bit, but the rest is really lacking. Feel like a one parent family anyhow.

Did have it out with him the other week and he tried for about 4 days and now we're back to normal.