I'm so angry, my husband is so selfish and immature!

[LillaC]

I've never posted anything here before but I'm so angry and have no one to talk to. I'm in a, what I think at least, loving marriage. I'm 36 w pregnant with our third child and we have a 2 yr and 4 yr old. I'm really struggling with this pregnancy, I'm so uncomfortable at this stage, very tired yet can't sleep at night and have had a terrible cold for over a week that's completely wiped me out.

Last night my husband went out on a bender (without any indication that he was going to be late from work, so I was really worried and couldn't sleep) and came back at 3 am this morning. Then he called me this afternoon and said that didn't I understand that the reason he got so drunk last night was that it is so hard for him right now and that he misses his wife - i.e. I don't give him enough sex. I'm so tired and emotional I burst into tears. He then went on to go drinking all afternoon with a colleague and came home at 7 pm tonight again really drunk - when the kids were still up! He went straight to bed without talking to me. I'm fuming!

Normally we have sex a couple of times a week and we've kept pretty active throughout the pregnancy as I know it's really important to him but the last week I've been so sick I really couldn't. Also, last time we had sex I had a big bleed afterwards which turned out to be nothing but really scared me. What does he expect from me? It's so selfish to escape to drinking - I wish I could escape too sometimes but I'm stuck at home always with the kids - and does he think I'm enjoying being heavily pregnant, with back ache, the cramping, varicose veins, incontinence, you name it. The last thing on my mind is sex!!! What's the big deal if we don't have sex for a few months, we're in this for the long run and there are other ways of showing love and intimacy.

I'm so disappointed, I had expected him to be much more supportive and mature about this. What should I say to him? :(

[notnowbernard]

I'm very sorry for you

What a dickhead. Really, what a horrible way to treat you

Does he have an alcohol problem, do you think?

[LillaC]

Thanks, notnowbernard, I wouldn't say he's got an alcohol problem, he rarely gets drunk like this. But he finds it very difficult to talk about his feelings so occasionally he resorts to drinking when he's upset.

[bundlebelly]

Agree with notnow. Your opinion of him sounds, sadly, truthful. You have your children, and you need a man to partner you in bringing them up, not another child making demands, stropping off, drinking etc. Does he know how you feel about the way he is treating you? You poor thing. I hope you have loads of support from other sources, friends and family.

[notnowbernard]

Someone who has difficulty expressing their feelings - so resorts to alcohol to manage them - sets warning bells ringing in my head, I have to be honest

Even if they don't do it "that often"

The communication issue aside, I feel he is being a total wanker wrt your sexual relationship. It really isn't on, but I think you probably know that

[LillaC]

I realised as I wrote it, that resorting to alcohol because you don't know how to talk to your wife probably is a form of alcohol problem! Not great I know.

I don't know if he knows how I feel about the way he's treating me. I did manage to tell him I thought he was totally immature for coming back drunk again instead of talking to me.

He did keep saying today on the phone how he loves me so much and how it's not my fault that I can't give him what he needs. At the same time, he manages to make me feel really bad that he is so unhappy that I don't give him what he needs he has to drink himself to oblivion.

[notnowbernard]

Is the behaviour you've described relatively new? Or does it pre-date this pregnancy?

[bundlebelly]

what he NEEDS ??? Or what he wants?
What about your needs as a pregnant woman, with young children, who at the very least needs support.

[fannybaws]

Tell him you love him, life will return to normal then list calmly all your physical and emotional problems at the moment.
Then tell him to go and have a wank!

[LillaC]

The sex issue is not a new one, we had a big discussion about 7-8 months ago, where he did manage to speak about his feelings and was very unhappy that we weren't as sexually active as he would like, he felt rejected by me and that I never really wanted to do it. I could see his point of view then, he does have a very strong sex drive and, with being a fulltime mum with two young children, mine isn't so strong anymore. It was a good discussion and our sex life improved a lot after that but now that I'm weeks away from giving birth I just can't be his sexy wife right now.

As for his difficulty in communicating, that's something that has always been there, he is very closed/private person, his whole family seem to have communication issues. We've been married 5 years and I think it's slowly improved and he's tried to open up more.

As for the resorting to drinking, it's never happened before because of problems in our marriage but he did a similar thing last year when he was really unhappy at work. I did tell him it was very stupid and irresponsible and he agreed at the time.

[notnowbernard]

Do you mind if I ask if DC3 was a planned pregnancy?

[LillaC]

It was planned, my husband has always wanted lots of kids, I wasn't sure at first as I'm quite keen to move on past the baby stage and I was a bit worried about how it would affect our marriage, knowing he feels he doesn't get enough of my attention etc. When we discussed it he said one more child wouldn't make any difference to our marriage but that it was obviously up to me in the end. I'm not regretting it but it's been the hardest pregnancy and it's definitely my last one!

[notnowbernard]

Just wondered if the chatyou had 7-8m ago which led to improvements led to the pg... IYGWIM!

I've just had my 3rd and I am with you on how hard it was/is - the hardest by a long way. Physically and emotionally. I just can't imagine how I would have coped with additional DP/DH fuckwittage

I do feel strongly thatyour H needs to hear how utterly out of order he's being re your sexual relationship. Do you feel in a safe enough space to read him the riot act?

[notnowbernard]

(Meant how hard the pg was - I fely utterly refreshed the moment DC3 arrived!)

[LillaC]

I think I was already pregnant when we had the big discussion, albeit it was early days.

That's exactly how I feel - I can't cope with anything else right now!

Part of me really wants to tell him exactly how I feel, ie he's being v selfish, immature, acting like a child etc, and how I don't understand how he can bring this up with me now, but I'm also scared of how he'll react and if I will just push him away and feel even worse afterwards as he will stop talking to me for days when I just need him to be sweet and supportive. Also he might say that he tried to tell me how he was feeling and look where it got him and he's not going to tell me next time.

[notnowbernard]

Yes but he is responsible for his reactions - you aren't making him feel a certain way, he is feeling it, and needs to take responsibility and ownership of it - does that make sense?

I can understand your hesitance in a way if I think back a couple of months to when I was heavily pg... I would have ranted and raved and come across like a complete loon-bucket. But at the same time this isn't hormonal bleating, this seems like a serious issue that's affecting you and your relationship on a deeper level (and that pre-dates pregnancy)

[chattymitchy]

what a total, total, selfish arse - i honestly am open-mouthed with disbelief that he gets stroppy and buggers off drinking when his heavily pregnant, tired and uncomfortable wife does not want sex. it beggars belief.



I'd be reading him the riot act for sure and worse

[LillaC]

You are right in everything you say! I'm not so worried about coming across all hormonal or crazy, more that I don't have the strength to fight with him and that I'll just end up more upset in the short term at least if he reacts badly.

But it is really comforting to hear that I'm not overreacting in feeling really angry and disappointed in his behaviour. Also, I start doubting myself and think maybe it's selfish of me not to be giving him sex regularly even now.

At some point, I really do need to talk to him properly.

I think I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight - I really do hate it when he's drunk!

[LillaC]

chattymitchy - it really makes me feel better hearing that! i know, it's so childish, not to mention mean to me!

[notnowbernard]

You really need to get HIM on the sofa tonight, Lilla. Honestly

"Giving him sex regularly" - that turn of phrase alone suggests all is not well, doesn't it..?

You are NOT over-reacting in any way at all, IMO

[Dansmommy]

I'm not normally one for playing games, but I'd be setting out to shock him on this one. Pack his bags. Make it crystal clear that this behaviour will not be tolerated.

It sounds to me like he's not actually a total git, but you say this is the second time he's resorted to drink? I'd be telling him he got a second chance and he's blown it...to get a third he needs to prove himself.

[LillaC]

I would get him on the sofa if I could :) but he's completely passed out in bed, nothing could wake him up!

Thanks notnow for taking the time to listen and give advice!

[msboogieHallowqueen]

what chattymitchy said, basically.

[notnowbernard]

I hope you find some resolution. Post again if you feel the need to vent/get support or whatever. Lots of good posters hang around the Relationships board

Make sure you get some rest this weekend

[LillaC]

Dansmommy - wow, I wish I were that strong! I just don't have the emotional or physical strength do do anything that drastic right now.

But I will tell him tomorrow that I won't accept him coming home drunk like that again, I think he knows he's in the wrong there. Especially not when the kids are up.

[Dansmommy]

I know what you mean, I'm sorry if my post wasn't helpful. But I just think he needs to know you mean it.

Hope you feel better soon...I agree with the poster above who said that the third pregnancy is the hardest...was for me too!