Do you judge a partner by your previous experiences?

[readywithwellies]

I was married, exh had affair, left me and now divorced.

I can't help worrying this will happen to me in my new relationship, even though I have absolutely no reason to think it will. DP is loyal to friends, never cheated on exw etc.

Anyone else feel like this and anyone got any advice other than to pull myself together?

[overmydeadbody]

It takes a long time to trust again, once we have been hurt.


I think it is normal for us as humans to protect ourselves from harm happening again, it is a survival instinct, but with time your partner can earn your trust, and as long as you see him as a different person and don't assume he will behave in the same way you should eventually get over it.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I think that once the penny drops that infidelity is all about the person and not their partner or their marriage, it makes it easier to put your faith in someone new.

However, in any relationship, I think it's crucial to have a discussion about attitudes to fidelity and especially temptation, because no-one is immune to the latter and nothing, literally nothing their partner does or doesn't do, can build a defence against acting on it. That has to come from within.

[readywithwellies]

WWIFN - I have had the 'talk' and we agree on fidelity. Thats all OK.

Exh thought it abhorrent to have an affair but still managed to run off with the secretary, what a cliche!

[tb]

I think for a while people are extra sensitive/vigilant and are on the lookout for any signs of things that have happened before, even if there is no logical connection, it's just how we're wired.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Yes, but that's because very often, people who think that affairs are abhorrent think that they have some mysterious invulnerability to temptation, so they miss all the signs and convince themselves that they are "in love" when they are invariably "in lust". So, while it's great to have had the "infidelity talk", I often feel the more honest chat about how you will both deal with temptation when (not if) it happens, is the more important conversation.

Very glad that you have moved on and have found happiness, by the way.

[readywithwellies]

WWIFN I will do that, we have touched upon it. In DPs job he sometimes gets offered sex so they get the result they want. He has told me how he deals with this, but will ask him how he would deal with other situations

[ninah]

he's not simon cowell is he
my reaction following cheating ex was to pick someone v 'safe' and not v attractive, although I can only recognise that in retrospect
I think it does take a while to rebuild trust and I will never trust 100per cent again, maybe a working 95 or so

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

I think it's natural, I often feel the same but have to try and rationalise myself out of it. DP is nothing like XH, but I sometimes find myself flinching if there's even a hint of frustration in his voice. I just can't deal with it.

I think talking it through is often the best way.

[Suda]

Yes fruitshoot thats right but it must be a bit insulting almost - to a gentle person - but he understands its more of a deep rooted reflex reaction than personal to him. Its like we have a very nervous rescue dog - and me and him both run for cover if a voice is raised - DH often jokes too many neurotics in this house and I only got that dog cos I can empathise with him so much.

[MidnightsChild]

I'll be really interested to see what views people have on this, as had many rows with an ex on this very subject.

I think its natural to learn from any previous negative experience and so be wary of making the same mistake again, whereas he was utterly fed up of being blamed for the shitty behaviour of those bastards who'd come before him which - unfortunately - was his previous negative experience. I completely understood his point but couldn't see how to change my instinctive (and self-protecting) reaction.

Ex is now a really good friend, but this is the one and only subject that we simply cannot discuss.

[HammerMouseOfHorrors]

I did and still do with my now DH. Not in a sexual way, in an emotional way.

It has taken him 6 years so far to try and prove to me that he is here to stay.

To prove to me that he isn't going to shag around behind my back.

To prove to me that he won't beat the shit out of me, rape me or steal from me.

To prove to me that he isn't trying to destroy me from within my own mind.

To prove to me that he loves me. So very much......

He is amazing. But I feel that I will always believe he will leave, one day he'll get sick of my insecurities and my fear of losing him and he'll go.

He swears that he wont, that it has taken him years to find me and for me to let anyone near me again took so very much too.

I hope that he proves me wrong. I hope that he is nothing like ANY of my Xs.

[readywithwellies]

Hammer that is EXACTLY how I feel.

[Suda]

Midnight - was his previous experience being 'blamed' for an exs behaviour or was it that his ex behaved badly - IYSWIM.

It must be very hard on the subsequent decent partner - I once said to my lovely DH and instantly regretted it - that he sounded just like my EXH - and he was absolutely horrified - he just happened to have shouted at me that day - nothing major and it blew over in 2 mins but I cant help but instantly think - oh here we go - another perfectly nice normal man I m changing into a psycho !!

Because the thing is most of these psychos do seem normal at first - otherwise we'd never hook up with them - so I dont know about any of you but I have had a couple of 'seemed normal to psycho in less than 12 months' experiences before my lovely DH - and sometimes I think is it me ? - do I bring out the worst in men - they seemed normal after all. But logic usually takes over and I think well no and that they would obviously hide these traits to start with.

[Suda]

Hammer that is really sad that you think like that still - but I am sometimes the same - you just have to keep trying to be confident and tell yourself its not you and its not because we are not worthy of the love of a good man - its these psycho exes that were not worthy of us.

Also what usually makes me pull myself up by my boot laces is the thought that my exes - one in particular have spoiled enough of my life already and I am not going to let them have anymore of it and by letting them affect and/or threaten my happy life now I am giving them another chunk. But I know its not easy.

[MidnightsChild]

Suda although his last "significant" ex did behave badly, the problem is that he feels blamed for the behaviour of men who came before him whenever anyone he's dating says "sorry I'm a bit sensitive on x y or z subject". His immediate reaction (when I said similar) was to explode and all I've been able to establish is that this happens to him a lot. Its out of character because we're very close (he's one now of my two best friends) and we talk for hours with just this one taboo subject. He admits that there are certain facts about that last major relationship that he will not speak about ... to anyone. I've assumed the strength of his feeling could be explained by whatever it is he is burying and I also understand that it must be ghastly to feel judged when you have never behaved in this manner.

My main worry is how he will be able to get past this problem as, at anyone dating at our time of life (40s/50s), is going to have some form of baggage. I guess the only option for anyone becoming involved with him is to have the reaction, but to keep the thought or explanation to themself. I would struggle with that option because communication is my holy grail in relationship terms, but maybe the right person for him will not feel that way.

[Suda]

Yes Midnight - there is more than one victim of an abusive relationship it sends many ripples out and negatively affects any children who even witness it - let alone are subject to it - well into adulthood (my 2 DC are in their thirties now). It also badly affects parents in law (not nice to find out your sons a monster) and they often lose contact with their grandkids through their son being ostracised. It also badly affects parents of the victim (horrible to see your DD terrified or to find out later abused for years). Not to mention friends neighbours in some instances (one of my neighbours from years ago told me how guilty they feel to this day hearing what went on and agonised over calling police or asking me next day if I was ok etc - used to be terrified of making things worse but also terrified he'd kill me one day !).

But last but not least come these decent subsequent partners for whom it is often too much and as in the case of your dear ex also lose out on an otherwise perfectly good relationship. I also put communication at the top of the pile and my DH is a very good listener but I can tell there are times he's at the end of the line in terms of how much he can bear to hear. So I do have to dilute, play down or stagger how much I tell him to some degree but he knows I do this so he is aware theres more - just cant bear too much detail but thats fair enough I suppose.

I realise I am very lucky when I hear other peoples stories on this thread - that I have managed to end up in a happy relationship - I always tell my DH when he comments its such a shame about all the bad years wasted at the hands of my ex - all the wasted years before we met etc - that at least I got my 'white picket fence' in the end and I am grateful to be in this place at all - however late in the day (we met in late forties).

Midnights Child - I dearly wish the same for you one day and your lovely ex - and Hammer try and keep believing that you deserve your lovely DH - because you really so do. Yes I wish you white picket fences all round really.

[Tortington]

i haven't got any previous experiences, i can't help but wonder if this is the reason i have put up with a mountain of shit as well as the mountains of good stuff.

[Suda]

Sorry - how rude of me and of course you OP - I ve got confused as to who that is - sorry - I wish you one aswell and everybody else affected by this thread (sounds like an announcement at end of Eastenders now }.




< hurries off to make lots more white picket fences >

[gingerali]

My husband left me for someone else when I was 8 mths pregnant 12 years ago - it has effected all my relationships since, in that I havn't managed to let myself become close to a suitable man or have been chasing men that will never be suitable and therefore never get serious. deep down too scared to let myself become so vunerable again.

I think you are very brave and of course all men are not the same. As the Dali Lama says Great love takes great risk. I have had some CBT to help me with these issues and hope to break the cycle - however at 44 there are not that many Men out there to practice on lol

[Suda]

Gingerali - very sorry to hear your story - that is very very sad and we do have to weigh up whether being hurt like that again weighs up against the chance of meeting 'the right one'. Please dont give up hope - I was rock bottom - in a social housing bedsit at 47 - having flitted from my exh with a few basic possesions a few years earlier - had just ended another relationship with a 'nice normal man' who turned out to be a real lune and terrified the life out of me - so much so that I couldnt park my car outside my flat or he'd be kicking door down. When one evening I walked out of my block of flats onto street outside and bumped into my now DH - we exchanged a few comments , got talking - and the rest is history.

We got married last year - I was 50 , he was 51 - both had swore before that fateful evening 'never again' - to any serious relationship - never mind living together or marriage and yet there we were. Our guests cajoled me into getting up and saying a few words afterwards and when I stood up (finally under much duress) this is all I said : 'See dreams do come true - if you have one hold onto it'.

Dont give up - will be rooting for you !

[readywithwellies]

Can you weather proof my picket fence? Then I may relax a little?

[MidnightsChild]

Suda, thank you. I am now seeing someone lovely and believe it could go the distance, but would be happy to have one of your white picket fences

[Suda]

READY - I think it was WHENWILL who said you have to realise the infidelity flaw is more about the person who cheats rather than the cheated or their relationship. It is not you - I promise - I have never been cheated on as far as I know in my major relationships but two of them became controlling violent bullies and I realise now the same principal applies.

Just as it wasnt my fault or shortfallings that caused my ex(es) to be violent controlling bullies nor was it your fault or shortfallings that your ex cheated on you in such a dishonourable way when you were about to give birth to his child fgs.

Your ex and my ex may have tried to lay the blame at our door - but thats to make them feel better and /or to justify their awful behaviour - but ask yourself this - would a decent moral human being do what either of our exes did to us - even if we had 'deserved' it in any way shape or form. NO. However angry I made my ex - he didnt have to abuse me - he could always have walked away - just as your ex didnt have to have an affair and leave you at eight months pregnant - however much you pissed him off ( Im not suggesting one minute you did btw ) - he could have told you how unhappy he was and wanted out (at a somewhat better time !) - and then and only then started any new relationship.

No it is not you or I or any other 'survivors' of demoralising or abusive relationships. I know its a cliche but you have to learn to love yourself again and believe that you are worthy of the love of a decent human being. Also as I said in a previous post dont give someone who hurt you so badly any more of your time - that is my little mantra when I feel a nosedive coming on - they have stolen enough from me - enough time, enough tears, enough sleepless nights. When we sucuumb to fretting and self doubt we are letting them win. We mustnt. There are enough success stories on here to give hope to anyone who feels like we did that its not worth bothering to get up again. It is and you can.

Besides I need to shift all these fences.


< goes off muttering - 2x tins preservative - 2x tins white paint - timber - fence posts - nails .......>

[Suda]

MIDNIGHT - sorry got so carried away with my sermon post I forgot was going to say how I am so happy you have found 'someone lovely'. I know I go on a bit - as above but it really really does warm my heart everytime I hear of someone else coming out the other end of the tunnel.